Chapter 34 - Reunification.
Reunification: The act of coming together again, especially the returning of children to the custody of their biological parent or parents, after they have been involved in a period of foster care placement or other form of separation.
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Brian's POV
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"Jus'n. Come on! I want to go down the big slide again. Hurry up!" Gus is yelling at his playmate.
"Brian, I love your son, but he's wearing me out. How many times do I have to go down the slide?" Justin asks me, only half joking.
"Gus. Come here, Sonny Boy," I decide it's time for me to intervene and I call the boys over before Gus can make Justin climb the slide for the tenth time. "I think it's time to give Justin a break. Why don't you see if any of the kids on the play structure want to slide with you, okay?"
"Okay, Daddy," Gus says happily and runs off to make new best friends with the two other boys on the park's play structure.
"Come sit down, Sunshine," I pat the bench next to me and Justin willingly joins me. "Having trouble keeping up with the four year old, hmm? And here I thought you had such great stamina."
"Yeah? Well, I already got my workout for the day, this morning in your bed. I might have taken it easier if I'd known I was going to have to spend all afternoon running around with your son, the Energizer Bunny," Justin mock complains as he leans back against me and takes up his sketch pad which he made me pick up from my office on our way over here to the park.
"Poor Sunshine. You have to deal with both the Kinney men today."
"Actually, I don't mind. I effectively worked off all that pizza and ice cream from last night and I get to spend the day with my two favorite Kinney men, to boot," Justin says, and I can't resist leaning down to give him a small peck on the cheek as a thank you. "Besides, from the way Lindsey looked when she dropped Gus off earlier, she really needed some kid-free time."
"Yeah. It sounds like Mel's been working some ridiculous hours lately for this big trial she has coming up and that means she hasn't been around much to spell Lindsey on the mommy front. She did look a bit frazzled today, didn't she? Would you mind if I offered to keep Gus for tonight? It would give Lindz and Mel a whole night together without the kid?" I ask Justin.
"Umm, it's your call, Brian - your son and your place."
"No, it's 'our' place now, Justin," I say to him with a smile and relish the grin I get back from him in return. "You have just as much say as I do."
"I'd love for Gus to stay the night, Brian," Justin says a bit timorously.
"Then I'll see what I can do," I say, giving him a squeeze at the same time.
We sit for another fifteen minutes or so watching Gus romp and run with the other children in the park. Then, I hear jangly, tinny music playing out the melody to 'Pop Goes the Weasel' and a frenzy of children boils up everywhere around us, startling Justin into dropping his sketch pad. Before Gus reaches us on the bench where we're sitting, the cause of this commotion comes into view around the corner of the block - it's our local version of the pied piper: The Ice Cream Man
"Daddy! Daddy. Can I have an ice cream, please. Please, Daddy. Pleaseeeeeee!"
"Yes, you can have an ice cream, but only if you stop hopping up and down like that, Gus. Sunshine, here, will you take him? You can get yourself some too, since you say I worked all of last night's installment off you already. We don't want that bubble butt of yours deflating any time soon," I say handing Justin some money and patting him on the tush as he walks away with Gus tugging at his arm to hurry him along.
Justin looks back at me over his shoulder as he's being dragged away by Gus, smiling at me and wiggling his ass at me in revenge. I have this sudden urge to tackle him and kiss him violently. But, it's doubtful all the other mommies and daddies in the park would approve, so I just sit back down on the bench and wait instead.
"Hey, Bri," I hear from behind me and I turn to see Lindz and Emmett walking up arm in arm.
"Where's the munchkin, Bri? Did you get sick of Gus already and sell him to a band of traveling gypsies?" Em asks as he perches on the back of the bench looking around for his favorite 'nephew'.
"Hardly, Honeycutt. He's over there bombarding the ice cream truck along with the hundred other kids dying to get a sugar high," I indicate the seething mass of children at the curb a few hundred yards away.
"Along with Justin, I see," Lindz teases.
"I have to keep that bubble butt fed somehow, now don't I," I joke right back, smiling over as my son and my blond start back towards us, each licking away at a multi-hued Popsicle.
"How's Justin doing, Brian?" Lindsey asks in a more sober tone. "The guys said he collapsed at the club on Thursday night? Is he okay?"
"He's better. It was mostly just a misunderstanding. We worked it out."
"That was just a misunderstanding?" Emmett interrupts. "Fuck, Brian. That was one of the scariest things I've ever seen. One minute the two of you were screaming at each other, fit to be tied. And the next, Justin just collapsed at my feet. I didn't know what to do. Thank God Ben was there and took charge."
Gus and Justin have stopped for a second on their walk back, apparently to deal with a drippy situation Gus can't handle on his own. Unfortunately, their delay gives my peanut gallery more time to ask annoying questions. Cue the worried mom.
"Michael said it was some kind of panic attack. Does that happen a lot, Brian? I just think it might be pretty frightening if it happened when Gus was around," Lindsey interjects."
"It doesn't happen that often, Lindz," I respond. "And even if it did, Gus would be fine. He's already seen Justin have one of his bad nightmares and he didn't freak out at all. In fact, it helped calm Justin down to have Gus there. So don't go getting all overprotective mother on me or anything."
"Look, Daddy," Gus comes running up at that point, practically shoving his Popsicle in my face. "I got a 'fudgicle' and Jus'n got an 'orange creamicle'. You want a taste?"
But before I can say no, Gus has shoved his chocolate Popsicle into my face, mostly missing my mouth and instead hitting my nose. Gus thinks this is hilarious and almost drops his ice cream as he laughs uproariously. Lindz and Em are laughing along and making me just a tad pissed off. But Justin takes it all in stride. He sits himself in my lap, pulls my face around towards his and licks the chocolate off with his quick little pink tongue.
"Mmmmm. Chocolate ice cream kisses. My favorite," he murmurs provocatively while Emmett and Lindsey titter away behind me and Gus guffaws away on the bench next to us.
"Jus'n, you're so silly," Gus admonishes Justin. "You could have just borrowed my napkin."
We're all laughing now. It's one of those perfect moments, you know? The kind that makes you think of Norman Rockwell prints or Leave it To Beaver reruns. The kind of happy family moment I never thought I would have. But I do because of Gus, and now Justin, being in my life.
"Justin?" A voice interrupts our happy family moment and brings all the laughter screeching to a halt. "Hello. I'm sorry to interrupt, but . . ."
Justin is still perched on my lap, but he's frozen in place now, his face gone even paler and his forgotten popsicle dropped to the dirt. I instinctively wrap an arm around him, not that there's anything I can do to protect him at this point. Then I see Jennifer Taylor walk around to stand in front of the bench.
"Mrs. Taylor," I say eventually when no one else seems likely to speak. "I think I remember telling you that we'd contact you when Justin was ready. I'm pretty sure we didn't do that yet, so may I ask what you're doing here."
"It's been more than a week, Mr. Kinney. I was getting worried. I just . . . Well, I just thought I'd stop by that Diner where we met the first time and see if your mother would talk to me. I only wanted an update or to maybe find out something about how you were, Justin," Jennifer says, turning to appeal to her son.
"Debbie wasn't working today though so I was just going to have a coffee and then leave when I heard this couple here," she indicates Lindsey and Emmett, "talking about meeting 'Brian and Justin' at the park. I figured it was probably you, so I . . . I followed you. Sorry."
"I just had to find you, Justin. I want to know you're all right and I want you to know how sorry I am for everything you've had to go through. I really had no idea what your father did, Justin. If I had, I would have stopped him," Jennifer's voice begins to die off the longer she talks without getting any response from Justin. "Justin? Please say something. Please just look at me."
Justin isn't yet ready to speak but I watch as he slowly closes his eyes. Then he gingerly taps my arm with his fingers twice - its our little special signal and it gives me enough hope that I let a tiny smile reach my lips. Then I lift him off my lap and set him down next to me on the bench so he's seated less precariously before I return my attention to his mother.
"Mrs. Taylor," I begin.
"Jennifer, please."
"Jennifer, whatever. You don't know shit about what Justin's been through over the past few years. And, just because you're his mother doesn't give you the right to force yourself back into his life now if he's not ready for that. He's already been hurt too much by his so called family and I'm not going to let it happen again. So, Mrs.Taylor, Jennifer, I think you should just leave."
"Who the hell are YOU to tell me that I can't talk to my son? Justin's sitting right there. Why won't you let him speak for himself?"
"I'm his partner, that's who I am," I shout, standing up to physically block this woman's approach with my body. "I'm also the person who's going to do whatever I can to stop anyone from hurting him. And Justin CAN speak for himself, but since he obviously hasn't yet, you might just take that as a sign he doesn't want to and leave."
"I'm not going anywhere till I get a chance to talk to my son, damn it. I don't care who you think you are. Get out of my way," Jennifer yells back, more than matching the volume of my voice.
"The fuck I will. You're not getting to Justin without going through me . . . "
"Stop it!" Justin's voice cuts through all the tension building between his mother and me. "You're scaring Gus. Please, both of you, just stop."
When I look down I see Gus huddling in Justin's arms. The boy looks almost as frightened as Justin. They're both cringing away from the angry dispute going on between myself and Jennifer.
"I'm sorry, Sonny Boy. It's gonna be okay. I'll stop yelling, alright?" I say, kneeling down beside him and reaching out to run my hand through his wispy brown hair.
"Brian, why don't you and Lindsey take Gus back over to the play area. I'll stay here and talk to my mother," Justin advises, then turns his attention to the scared little boy in his arms. "Don't worry, Gus. I'm fine. This is my mother, just like Lindsey and Mel are your mommies. We just haven't seen each other in a long time so we have lots to talk about. Why don't you go play some more and then, when I'm done talking here, I'll come join you guys. Okay?"
Gus doesn't look convinced that Justin will be okay if he leaves. He starts to get up off the bench, but he's still got a tight grip on Justin's hand. I lay my hand against his small back, trying to reassure him that everything will be all right. But Gus is still looking back and forth between Justin and Jennifer, as if he's not done sizing up the situation.
"Are you really Jus'n's mommy?" he asks of Jennifer.
"Yes. Yes I am."
"Was Jus'n bad?"
"No. He hasn't been bad." Jennifer says, smiling indulgently down at the small boy confronting her.
"Then you should stop yelling. You're scaring Jus'n. And you're scaring me. So just stop."
With that ultimatum, Gus turns his back on Jennifer and stomps away towards the play structure. Lindz follows him closely. I give Justin one more inquisitive look, but shrug and leave as well when Justin nods at me to let me know he's fine. Emmett lingers and asks, "Sweetie?" Justin smiles and shakes his head at the wordless offer of support, though, so Em follows Lindz and me, leaving Justin to finally talk with his mother.
I just hope he was ready.
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Justin's POV
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"He's adorable," mom says as we watch Gus stomping off.
Yeah. He's a great kid." I agree
"He's Brian's son?" she asks and I nod.
I have no idea what to say to this woman. I grasp the fact that she's my mother. But I've been without a mother, or any other family, for so long that it's difficult to remember what you should say to one. I'm wracking my brain, but I can't seem to come up with any likely topic of conversation. So I just sit here acting stupid and wait for her to say something more.
"So, you and this - Brian - you're . . . together?" she asks, finally.
"Yeah. It looks that way," I reply happily, still excited about hearing Brian use the word 'partner' even if I don't think he realized he said it.
"I didn't know you were . . . " she can't finish her sentence.
"Gay?" I finish it for her. "There's shitloads of stuff you don't know about me, mom. Most of it you really don't want to know. The fact that I'm gay is relatively minor."
"Is he good to you? I mean, are you happy with him?" she persists.
"Yeah. I think I am."
"I heard the other two talking about you passing out in some dance club on Thursday. Are you okay? What happened?"
"I don't . . . I'm not ready to talk about that with you mom. But, I'm fine now, so there's no need to worry."
"Justin, I have some money so if you need anything - if you need medical care or anything, I can help you."
"No. I don't need anything. Brian has money. And, I have a job - I work in the art department of a local ad agency. I'm even going to have health insurance through work soon. So, you don't have to worry." I figure I don't need to tell her it's Brian's company - at least not yet.
"That sounds wonderful, Justin. You always were a wonderful artist. I'm impressed you found such a great job and that it's in a field you enjoy. I'm a realtor now, myself. I just got my license last month," she sounds proud of this, so I smile and nod at her.
"You know that I left your father," she states.
"Yeah, Brian told me."
"I should have done it years ago," she continues. "I was just too afraid. And naive. I didn't think I would be able to support myself, let alone you too. So I stayed with the bastard even though I hated him. Even though I saw what he was doing to you . . . I'm so, so sorry Justin."
I have nothing to say in response to that statement. I just continue to sit there in silence. When that gets to be too much for her, she goes on while I listen.
"I know it's really no justification, but I need for you to understand, Justin, that I never thought it would get as bad as it did. It all started off so . . . Small, I guess you would say. At first he was just a little bit more strict with you than the other dads. I really didn't think that was bad - I agreed with a lot of the things your father said in the beginning. He said he just wanted to bring our son up to be a good, morally upstanding person. But, somewhere along the way he just started to go too far."
"It's wasn't until the day that he . . . You know . . . the 'masterbation' episode," she can barely even whisper the word, "that I realized he'd finally gone too far. I'd never seen him like that. It was the first time he hit me, you know, and I was so hurt and shocked that I didn't know what to do."
"But I made sure he never hit you, Justin. And for a while after that incident, things got a little better. So I agreed to give him another chance. But then things started to go downhill and I felt stuck again."
"And when you disappeared and Craig told me he'd sent you away to his brother's, I was actually happy because I thought you'd be better off away from him. He told me you were going to community college there after you graduated. He told me a lot of stuff to keep me from looking for you, Justin. I know now it was all lies, but I guess at the time they were just lies I wanted to believe so I didn't ask too many questions."
"I don't really want to hear this, mother," I manage to tell her when she finally pauses. "It doesn't change anything. It doesn't make me feel any better. Like Brian says, 'Sorry is bullshit'. All we can do is try not to make the same mistakes a second time and just move on."
"Justin, please, isn’t there something I can do to make it all up to you?" she asks.
"I don't see how."
"Fine. Then at least, like you said, can't we try to just move on? If I can't do anything about the past will you at least let me be part of your future. I'm still your mother and I still love you, no matter what you think."
"What does that mean? Be part of my future?" I don't even know if I have a future yet so I have no idea how to incorporate this woman into it.
"I mean don't cut me out of your life altogether. Maybe we could just get together occasionally, have coffee, lunch, whatever. You could call me and tell me what you're doing every so often. I'd like, at the very least, to know how to contact you."
It seems like a reasonable thing - to know how to contact your mother and to let her contact her son. I don't really see any reason to object. So I get out my phone, ready to give her my number. But then I stop cold, fingers of ice cold fear holding me back.
"He can't ever know this," I blurt out. "Father can't know this. I don't want him to ever find me. If I give you my number, there's no way he'll ever get it from you is there?"
"No. Not that I can think of, Justin. I haven't talked to him in months myself. If you don't want him to know about you, I promise that I won't tell him anything."
And I believe her. So I give her my phone number and email address. And then we talk for a little while longer. She asks me more questions about my life - mostly mundane, everyday things - which I answer for the most part. After a few minutes, Brian comes back and sits by me, holding my hand proprietorially.
"Sunshine, I don't want to interrupt, but Gus is under the impression we're taking him to dinner at someplace called the 'Rainforest Cafe'," Brian says as soon as there's a break in the conversation. "And, according to Lindsey, we better get there early if we want to sit in the Gorilla Room, which is apparently Gus' favorite. I have no idea what that means, but Gus seems pretty intent on the idea. So . . ."
Seeing how serious Brian is about making his son happy, no matter how silly the child's requests, makes me smile. He's a good father. The best, actually. And seeing how his face lights up when Gus comes bounding over to us, proves it.
"Jus'n, Daddy's gonna take us to Rainforest Cafe. It's so cool. You're gonna love it. There's gorillas and elephants and all sorts of other animals and while you eat they come alive and dance and sing," Gus prattles on enthusiastically. "So hurry up and finish talking to your mommy so we can go, okay."
"I'm done, Gus," I say and then laugh as Gus launches himself into my arms shouting 'yay' as loudly as he can.
"You're sure about this?" Lindsey, who's come up to us in Gus' wake, asks with concern. "If you want to spend more time with your mother, Justin, Gus could come over another night."
"No Lindsey. It's fine. We're done here," I tell her. "Besides I've never had dinner with a singing gorilla before. I can't wait, Gus."
Gus starts to tug at my arm to hurry me up. I stand, nod goodbye to my mother and follow the happy eager child off towards the park entrance where we left the Jeep. Behind me I can still hear Brian and my mother talking.
"You have a beautiful son," my mother says.
"Yeah. And Justin's really good with him. They've become good friends," Brian comments, then adds more. "Your son is beautiful, too. I care about him a lot. And I won't let you or anyone else hurt him again if I can help it. Do you understand? Don't do anything to make me regret letting you back into his life or you'll regret it even more."
"Mr. Kinney, I would never . . ." my mother starts to say.
"You already have," Brian interrupts.
Brian catches up with Gus and me a moment later and we all walk together to the car and then head out for our dinner with the gorillas and elephants.