CHAPTER 44 – THE MYRMERICA PYRIFORMIS MAKES HER MOVE…FIRST GATHER YOUR ARMY

NANCY

I stand there for a few seconds in shock, but quickly recover myself, Lindsay is glowering hatefully at Jennifer.

                “Ah Zee, Faal, hello.  Now we can order the champagne, which one was it that you recommended Harold?”  Millicent smiles at her husband.

                “Oh the Haton Extra Brut would be my choice.”

                “And an excellent one at that.  It has the right amount of dryness.”  This Faal person smiles at him.

“Excuse me Millicent but you said The McHaigh Estate?  I had no idea you were interested in that…congratulations and also congratulations to you too Jennifer on such a coup.”

                “Thank you Nancy.  So how have the pair of you been, I hope the day has been pleasant?”

                “Yes thank you, now if you can excuse us, we need to rejoin Ronald.”

We head back to our table in silence.

MILLIE

I make the introductions and when the champagne arrives and we toast the sale; when I tell Zee about the new business arrangement between Jennifer and I she snickers and reminds me of our deal.

                “Actually, can we have another bottle of this please?”  She winks at Faal

When it arrives she stands and heads towards the Peterson table.

                “We’ve heard of your wife by reputation but she doesn’t strike me as a particularly savage businesswoman.”

Diana comments as she watches Zee saunter over.

                “Ask Gardner Vance what she’s like.  It’s incredible to watch my myrmerica pyriformis in seek mode.”

                “She’s your what?”  She frowns

                “She’s small, ferocious and deadly when she’s in…”

                “Yes I understand but what exactly that you called her.”  She asks again

                “Myrmerica pyriformis.  It’s the Latin name for the bulldog ant, the deadliest in the world; the venom can kill a human in 15 minutes.  When gets you in its mandibles and jaw, it holds fast and goes for the softest part and keeps stinging until…well you get my drift…and the female is more deadly than the male”  Patrick tells us.  “I pity the fool who upset her.”

ZEE

                “Mr and Mrs Peterson, hello.  My name is Zee Ugerstacht, my husband and I are friends with Jennifer Taylor and Millicent Foster Brown.”

                “How nice to meet you, I’m Ronald and this is my wife Nancy and our daughter…”

                “Yes I’m aware of who she is.  I just wanted to bring this over to you to thank you for enabling Jennifer to move onto representing Millicent without any undue unpleasantness.  And it looks like she will be representing those at our table too.  And Lindsay, I really hope you got all your belongings safely, I can double check but I don’t think there is anything left in Matt and Hunter’s Brownstone that belongs to you.  Do feel free to give me a call if anything is missing.   Now I must return to my table, if you’ve not already ordered I would recommend the tartare.  Enjoy the champagne.”

FAAL

I watch her come back with a shit eating grin on her face.  She retakes her seat then gives me a sweet but hot kiss.

                “Well.  Shall we order, I see they have oysters but I doubt Faal and Zee need them.”  Harold chuckles

                “No but they are fun to eat, and give you strength.”  I roll my tongue in my cheek.  “So shall we get some my lig?”

                “Absolutely.”

RONALD

Nancy and Lindsay alternate between glowering at the Foster Brown table and the menu.

                “Well this champagne looks great, who’s for a glass?”  I ask.

                “Yes please daddy.”

                “Nancy?”

                “I suppose so.”  She replies tightly.

                “What wrong now?”

                “What’s wrong?  You fire our realtor without consulting me and now we’ve lost out on the McHaigh Estate to Millicent Foster Brown and I’m still smarting about the Squirrel Hill loss.  Now when we get home you two are going to explain what Jennifer did to get herself fired; where exactly you are living now Lindsay if not at your Brownstone and who Matt and Hunter are.  Now let’s order.”

PETERSON RESIDENCE – LATE EVENING

NANCY

Ron and I are shocked, just shocked at the behaviour of Mel.

                “So you don’t know where Melanie has gone and she’s taken Gus with her?”

                “I have a feeling she’s with Zee and that’s why I’m petitioning for physical custody, luckily I managed to get that processed before she went to ground and…”

                “So you and Melanie are definitely over?  What about the father is he still, well can you stay with him?”

                “It looks like it and no mother I can’t.  Brian has turned against me too but that is an issue for me to handle on my own, what I need is to get access to Gus and…”

                “What I don’t understand is why you didn’t come to us with this before, we’re your parents we could’ve helped somehow.  Now with regards to your living arrangements…”

                “I shall be back in the Brownstone as I said, Matt and Hunter are temporary stumbling blocks, I have a tenancy agreement and that is legally binding.”

                “And Michael is happy for you to stay with him in Shadyside for the time being?”

                “Absolutely, I don’t want to have to move out again.  Look I have to go, I have an early start tomorrow.”

                “Goodbye darling.” 

                “Bye.”

                “Oh Lindsay in light of your troubles, we’ll take care of the Mitcham bill for you won’t we Ronald?”

                “Of course Nancy.”

Lindsay leaves with a smile on her face.

                “Well, at least that unpleasant phase of her life is over.  It will be nice to get to know Gus away from the interference of Melanie.  And as for this Zee woman, I think a bit of investigating is called for I wonder if Millicent knows who she is fraternising with?”

SHADYSIDE – THURSDAY LATE MORNING

LINDSAY

I’m so tired.  It has been a long week so far but at least it doesn’t seem that news of Wednesday’s debacle has spread.  And I think Jennifer owes me because if I hadn’t got daddy to fire her she wouldn’t have the Foster Brown portfolio, I shall remind her of that the next time I see her.

As for Emily, having to write a farcical letter of apology is sticking in my craw.  But I will do it just to get rid of her, its one less thing to go to court over I suppose.  And as for Brian and Justin’s comments well they are just being melodramatic.

But based on what Phil has said we won’t have to go to court for anything now, apart from the physical custody and the absurdity of the emancipation hearing.   Actually I need to speak to Phil to find out exactly how much I supposedly owe in settlement costs to Daphne and Emily, not that I’m going to be paying them quickly.

                “Philip Mitcham please?  Yes this is Lindsay Peterson.”  After 5 minutes I’m still on hold finally someone comes back.  “Yes, I’m still here, oh I see, well can you get him to call me the moment he comes back to the office.”

I wince at the sharp click of the phone going down in my ear and head to the kitchen to find something to eat.  Sighing I realise that Michael doesn’t have any decent food, I mean there’s cereal and juice but I miss proper food so I have decided to go shopping.  Michael is immersed in his comic and waiting for his bids to be accepted. 

                “Michael I’m going to get some foodstuffs, so I’m going to take the car okay?”

                “Huh oh yeah, can you get some more Captain Crunch and Mrs Chip’s Cookies?”

                “Sure let me make a list.  Now about the out of settlement costs, I have left a message with Phil to call me back to discuss the final figure, are you able to move your money about quickly?”

                “Hmm, oh yeah no problem.”  He replies going back to his comic.

                “Michael you need to concentrate on what I’m saying and remember you have to factor the legal fees for him looking over your paperwork and anything that arises from the petition for custody.  No doubt the emancipation will be thrown out by any sane judge.”

                “Oh you didn’t tell me how your court thing went?”

                “Not a problem, as I thought.  I shan’t be long.”

                “Okay, drive safe.”  He mumbles already immersed back into his fantasy land.

PITTSBURGH FINE FOODS EMPORIUM

Oh this is more like it!  I’ve not been here before but have heard good things about it.  I grab a trolley and start to pick up my produce.  After about forty minutes, I have a nice full load and head to the wine department, where I’m surprised to see Mel.

                “Melanie what are you doing here, I thought you would be in court or the office at this time?”

                “Lindsay.”

                “Well?”

                “Well what?”

                “You’ve moved out the Brownstone, how are you finding it at the Treehouse?  I suppose the car service idea of Michael’s now works perfectly.”

                “Car service?  We’re not at the Treehouse and if you had bothered to call to ask you would’ve found that out.”

                “I have called you several times and…”

                “Not actually asked the question.  Your constant calling but not leaving a message doesn’t count.”

                “I would obviously want to know where my son is!”  I hiss at her.

                “Son and daughter, you have two children remember?  Who you have yet to contact directly for all your claims about worry.  And as I was saying, we are not in the Treehouse it is too far out of town for their schooling, social activities etc.”

                “So where are you staying then?”

                “With Leda of course, where else would we be staying with everything we had in the Brownstone it was the most logical choice, oh and you need to contact the storage company about the locker.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have better things to do with my time.”

                “Ah so you’re with Leda now, you moved on quickly.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the plan all along since New Year’s Eve.”

She rolls her eyes at me and picks up her basket.

                “No Lindsay, cheating on someone is something you do not me, I wasn’t the one doing that in Canada remember.  And I’m not with Leda in that sense, we just share a house with the kids and that reminds me I need to go to the butchers.”

                “Going to get your bitch a bone for dinner?”  I drawl.

She pauses and then smiles thinly.

                “Be careful Lindsay you don’t want another lawsuit do you?  Between the two of you you’re amassing quite the collection, when can we expect responses from your lawyers?”

                “They will respond when I’ve instructed them and I shall be making strides to return to the Brownstone…”

She actually threw her head back and laughed out loud.

                “What planet are you living on?  There is no way that you would be allowed back in there!”

“I have a tenancy agreement and…”

                “Where?  Produce the document Lindsay with your signature on it.  There was one with my signature on it and there is also the tenancy agreement for Squirrel Hill with my signature on it.”

                “Well I can stay at the loft then?”

She looks incredulously at me.

                “Get help for your delusions Lindsay, you won’t be allowed to live in any house that the family owns or resides in.  Brian told me about the breach of promise prelim hearing and how you had to settle out of court not only to avoid a scandal but also because your lawyer threatened to walk if you didn’t.  And well done on winding up being ejected by Judge Maatje that takes a special talent!”

I roll my eyes at her and start to wheel my trolley to another section of the wine department but she puts her hand on my arm.

                “I know you Lindsay and I did once love you, so take my advice and sort the settlement quickly; write the letter and pay the damages within the timeframe or even better earlier.  Judge Maatje does not fuck about.  If you are even a second late, you will be on trial within a week especially since you’ve already pissed her off.”

I shake her off and scowl, just as she picks up her basket as her phone rings.

                “Jenny.  How’d the test go?  Great.  No I haven’t forgotten to get them, I’m going to the butchers after this.  Alright see you later.”

                “You could have let me talk to her.”

                “Their numbers haven’t changed Lindsay but you have and not for the better.  And as for Judge Maatje, well you can’t say you weren’t warned.  We await to hear from your lawyers.”

I shake my head at her show of bravado and continue to shop for some delicious wine.

BERNADINE WILLIAMSON

I watch the two women head in opposite directions and think to myself now that was an interesting conversation to overhear.

                “Bernie are you ready to go?”  My husband Arnold’s voice cuts through my thoughts.

                “Hmm, oh yes.  What are our plans for next week, I feel the need to entertain The Petersons.”

EMILY & FRANCINE’S HOUSE

FRANCINE

I’m so proud of her!  She went there and got some kind of justice, well she will do once she gets her letter.  I wanted to be in court with her but Emily wanted to do this by herself because she knew full well I would try and wrench that bitch’s eyes out.

It still pains us that we were unable to make her dad a grandfather but it was not meant to be.  The will reading is tomorrow, he was a good man, and he would’ve spoilt his grandkid rotten. 

                “Helbert and Fuchsia Flowers how may I help you?”

There is silence on the other end of the line.

                “Helbert and Fuchsia Flowers how may I help…oh hello Emmett!  How are you?  No need to ask you how E&ZHoD is doing!  We’re bubbling along nicely thank you.  Oh wait Emily has just come in, let me put you on speaker.  Hey babe it’s Emmett.”

                “Hi Emmett, how are you?”

                “Sweeties I am just divine and your beautiful selves?”

                “Fine thank you, what can we do for you?”

                “Wedding flowers, do you have a laptop close by, if so google Lucian Stark and Portland House.”

                “Wow that is beautiful!  So what about him and it.”

                “A very dear friend of mine is getting married there 2nd weekend of April and wants you to do the flowers but thinks, shush now it’s true stop giving me the death glare, thinks that you won’t do them for him because of who it is?”

                “Business is business, who is it?”  Emily chuckles

                “Brian Kinney.” 

We both freeze as his voice comes over the line.

                “Well I guess I have my answer then.  Look this isn’t a pity fuck or anything like that, I liked what you did at the Clayton and hoped to…”

                “Brian.”  Emily’s voice is starting to break.  “Could you just bear with me a minute.  Sorry, I just, just wanted to thank you for saying what you said to her, I know I shouldn’t have eavesdropped but the way she said you were about this well…”

                “Yeah she lied to me too Emily, I can’t believe how cruel she was to you.  For what it’s worth she’s got a lot of shit coming her way in the next few weeks if you want me to keep you appraised of the situation…”

                “I would like that.  So these wedding flowers you want doing, what’s the theme?”  She asks

                “Really!  You mean it!  Oh thank you thank you!  Oh sorry it’s Justin by the way.”

                “We figured that out, hi Justin.  So the theme of your wedding?”

By the time we have finished talking she is beaming the biggest smile I have seen in a very long time.  She sees it for what it was master manipulation by Lindsay and the biggest fuck you to her is for us to be happy, and according to Brian she’s not going to be for a long time…and doesn’t realise how unhappy she’s going to be.

SHADYSIDE – EARLY EVENING

MICHAEL

                “Wow Lindz where did you shop for this stuff?”

                “Pittsburgh Fine Foods Emporium it’s…”

                “Oh yes, I shopped there whilst Ben was recuperating, can you believe they made me pay the money back for that, correction Boy Wonder made me pay the money back for that.”

                “Justin has a lot to answer for after all we’ve done to welcome him and further his career.  And speaking of deserving answers I have found out where Mel is living, she’s with Leda at the Squirrel Hill property…”

                “How did you find out about that?”

                “Bumped into her whilst shopping, she claims that there is nothing going on between them but I don’t believe that for one minute.  In fact I think I’m going to instruct Phil to countersue for infidelity and speak of the devil.  Hello Phil thank you for finally calling me back.  Let me put you on speaker.”

                “Lindsay how can I help you?  I’ve been in court all day so have just got round to my messages.”

                “Well, first we want a figure to work with for the settlement of the suits and…”

                “You already have the paperwork, it is a matter of just adding up the figures on there…”

                “You’re our lawyer that’s what we pay you for and I want to discuss countersuing Melanie for infidelity, she’s now shacked up with her ex, rather conveniently…”

                “Fine, it’s your money.  Right for you Michael for the suit for Daphne Chanders and David Cameron it would be $15,000 and Lindsay for the suit for Daphne Chanders and Emily Mitchell it would be $17,000 and…”

                “What?  How did you come up with that figure?!”  I demand.  “I’m looking through the paperwork and I can’t see how you’ve come up with that!”

                “Neither can I and I remember on Saturday you said it was $10,000 for both of you…”

                “You were each served, so you each have to pay the amount requested.  And have you done your letter for Emily yet?”

                “No not yet.”

                “Well I would get on with it quickly and you will have to present the payment at the same time as the letter of course.  Now if that’s all…”

                “No that’s not all.  When we settle out of court I take it there are no other legal fees involved other than from you if…”

There is kind of a strangled noise and a thud.

                “Phil are you still there?  How much would it be?”

                “Yes there are court fees as documentation still needs to be drawn up and the settlement has to be looked at by a judge so that it can be deemed to be fair and just.  And it is per lawsuit.  Now what’s this about you wanting to countersue in the dissolution of your civil union…”

                “Oh before you come to that.  I think that Lindsay should sue Hunter…”

                “Hunter, as in Bruckner?  What for?”

                “Her part of the finders’ fee for some pictures that he found…he got about $27,000 for that and she was there…”

                “When he found them?”

                “Well not quite but she was close though.  A couple of rooms down from him and she knew what they were when she saw them, didn’t you Lindz?”

                “Yes I did.”

                “Let me explain this in a way you will understand.  If you were next door when a neighbour killed someone would you expect to be charged with murder?”

                “No that’s just stupid.”  I reply.

                “Finally we’re on the same page.  Now the countersuit for the dissolution of the partnership, what evidence do you have?”

                “She’s living with her now?”  I point out.

                “Which she claims is simply because it’s more convenient as its closer to their schools, it’s near the family and her work and it has their bikes up there.  But there is a perfectly good residence in Britin that they could stay at but…”

                “Why can’t what she said be the truth Lindsay?  And what and where is Britin?”

                “Because it isn’t, it’s too pat, and Britin is the home of Gus’s father and…”

                “And my best friend Brian Kinney, it’s in West Virginia.”

We hear him take a heavy sigh and then clear his throat.

                “What is going to happen is this…oh excuse me a minute.  Come in!  Judge Strickland, good evening, sorry we are going to have to pick this up later, goodbye.”

PHIL MITCHAM’S OFFICE

God those two are so fucking stupid!  Time to go home and switch my phone off, thank God I’m out of the state from tomorrow morning, so no dealing with anything Peterson or Novotny related until Tuesday.

CHASE DONALDSON & DRAPER – FRIDAY MID-AFTERNOON

HARRY’S OFFICE

                “Let me handle it okay, just stay in there and don’t make a sound!”  I tell them.

They nod and try to quell their laughter.

                “Okay Sophia, its show time, go!”

She sniffs a bit then gathers herself and strides towards Mel’s office

MEL’S OFFICE

SOPHIA

Ellen and I exchange looks and I shrug.

                “Mel, Sophia’s here, Harry wants to see you urgently.”

                “I’ll be right out.”

She comes out putting on her jacket and with a notebook in her hand.  We walk in silence to his office and I try not to look at her, I swing open the door and she goes through.

HARRY

                “Mel thanks for coming so quickly, have a seat.” 

                “What’s going on?”

                “This is very difficult for me and I appreciate that it is not your fault but it is with regret that I have to with immediate effect put you on gardening leave.  Your immediate cases will be transferred to me and future cases will be taken over by our new partner once he arrives but that won’t be for another two weeks.”

                “What!  But I don’t understand!”

                “Ever since you returned to Pittsburgh and won those two landmark cases we have had calls come in about you and it is the only course of action available to us.”

She is struggling to either not cry or explode and I hate it but it will be worth it when she finds out.

                “Can you explain to me why having won those cases I am being forced out and who this interloper is?” 

                “Interloper, now if I was the litigious type I could sue.  Isn’t it good for you that I’m not?” 

                “Charles!”  She cries.  “What the fuck?!”

She stands up and paces the office a bit, before letting out a sigh of angry resignation.

                “So you’ve taken over my partnership!  What is the package to get me to fuck off out of here?!”

                “Something that is rarer than gold plated hens’ teeth apparently.” 

                “Adam.”  She growls.  “What are you doing…wait what did you say?”

                “Rarer than gold plated hens’ teeth.  Now Mel please sit down.  We’ve been a bit unfair to you for which we apologise, but when I found out you were back in the Pitts I knew I wanted you to come work for us but of course you’d already partnered up.  Then a gold plated hen’s tooth, as you said, came up just after you won the first case and I have been pestering Harry and Melvin ever since to release you.  They said get someone as good and she’s yours.  I got to talking to Joshua at Sydney’s party and he mentioned Charles and here we are…”

MEL

In my head I am saying something but judging by their grins I am just sitting there with my mouth open.

                “Please say something.”  Adam asks.  “Like yes I accept a partnership at White & Sullivan.”

                “I…”

                “Obviously we had to wait until the case with Emily was sorted out but that’s almost done, so will you accept?”

                “Ellen…”

                “Will move with you if that’s it takes for you to sign on the dotted line, go home and celebrate with your family?  I don’t want to lose you Mel but you are too good for here, you and Adam are a better fit.”  Harry begrudgingly admits. 

                “Does Brian know?”  I ask Charles

                “The only people that know outside of here are Joshua and Carrie, we had to tell them because of Sarah obviously.”

                “So you’re moving back to Pittsburgh?!”  I exclaim.

                “Yes indeed we all will be…”  He starts to grin and me and then raises an eyebrow.  “Once of course we find somewhere to live, which is what we will be focusing on for the next couple of weeks.”

                “Oh my God oh my fucking God!  First yes and second can I tell Ellen?!”

Harry and Adam nod and I sprint back to my office, my ears were still ringing twenty minutes later as she screamed so loud.

BERNADINE WILLIAMSON RESIDENCE

BERNADINE

                “Good morning Nancy, it’s Bernadine, I’m very well thank you and yourself and Ronald.  Good to hear.  Reason for the call I would like to invite you and Ronald for dinner next Monday if you’re available, as I’ve been hearing some things that will give you cause for concern.  No you misunderstand Nancy it is imperative that you and Ronald come.  Right we will see you at seven.”

SQUIRREL HILL – EARLY EVENING

KITCHEN

LEDA

The kids and I exchange looks, Mel had not only got home early and picked the kids up but also left them to do their homework whilst she took the dogs on a huge walk…and gave them beef bone broth cube each in with their kibble when they came back.

                “Any idea what’s going on?”  I whisper to Gus.

                “None whatsoever, but I’m glad she took them out as it’s pelting it down out there.”

She comes into the kitchen grinning.

                “I think I officially exhausted them.  Remind me to get some more bones tomorrow.”

We all nod and again exchange wary looks.

                “So how was your day guys?”

                “Great, just great.  I can’t wait to start work.  I’m getting a little bored now, got another two weeks of nothingness to go through.”  I sigh

                “But you’ve got Gus’s car to work on and besides you…”

Before she could finish her sentence the doorbell rings.  Checking through the window I grimace.

                “Guess who?”

                “Let them in, we don’t want them to say that we kept them away now that they know where we are?”  She sighs.

I swing open the door and Lyndsay glowers at me. 

                “Take off your shoes before you come in, you can leave them by the door.”  I tell them.

Once they come in they are all smiles and heading to embrace the kids.

                “How have you both been?  Sorry we couldn’t come to see you earlier but we didn’t know where you were living.”  Lyndsay gushes cutting her eye at Mel.

Jenny steps away from her attempted embrace and puts the counter between them, Gus wasn’t as quick but he’s free now and trying not to ‘brush off the cooties’ as he once called her hugs.

                “You could’ve called if you were so worried that she had taken us out of the country.”  She spits.

                “Jenny.”  I warn, although I’m trying not to laugh, she’s as quick as a whip.

                “Do not to use that tone with my daughter.”  Michael berates me.

                “My bad.  You would rather she spoke to you like she wants to rip you a new asshole?”  I scoff.

                “She wasn’t speaking to me like that.”  He objects

                “Yes I was and thanks for giving me permission to continue to do so.”  She smirks.

Mel is suddenly finding the cooker very interesting.

                “So what are you doing here?”  Gus asks.

                “We’ve come to see you obviously, check how you are doing and the like.  Hopefully, we will be seeing you tomorrow too, where’s the family lunch again?”  Lindsay asks.

The only sound is the clatter of the spoon hitting the counter top.

                “Tomorrow?”  Mel repeats.  “Were we in the same place on Sunday?  What on earth makes you think that anybody wants to see you two at the family lunches?” 

                “We’re still family and…”  Lindsay begins

                “No you are not, you stopped being that when you lied and cheated on mom.  You stopped being that when you lied about giving dad the parental rights letter.  You stopped when you put your needs, wants and desires before all else.  And more importantly you stopped being family since you can’t see what you’ve done and expect to be forgiven for it as if it is nothing.  It is something and that something fucking hurts!”  Gus yells.

I watch his hands tighten on the counter until his knuckles are white and there are tears shimmering in his eyes but he’s refusing to let them fall.

                “We can’t stop you from coming here but we sure as hell don’t have to speak to you when you are.  Mom may I have the emergency praline cookies please?  Now excuse us, we don’t want to be in your company a moment longer.  I mean, their company not…”

                “Jenny, you nailed it, time for a graceful exit.”  I chuckle.

We watch the kids go and out of the corner of my eye I see Butch head towards the front door and try not to smirk.

                “So is there anything else?”  Mel asks.

                “Is there anything else?!  You and Zee have clearly brainwashed my children against me and Michael and…”

                “Still need help with those delusions I see.  Look we…”

                “I went to your office today, they said you weren’t in this afternoon.  Where were you?”  She demands

                “What I do is no longer your concern.”  Mel rebukes her sharply

                “Do you hear that Michael?  That’s the sound of guilt!”  She harps smugly.

                “The sound of guilt, really, you clearly don’t know what that sounds like since you don’t feel any.”

                “Leda please.”

I look across at her and nod.

                “I’ll go check on the kids.”

                “They’re our children!”  Michael calls out.

                “Not for long!”  I retort

MEL

                “Nobody wants you here, you need to leave.”

                “We will leave when we are ready to.  Isn’t it customary to offer your guest refreshments?  Now let’s discuss these various ridiculous suits you have saddled us with.”

I wait for her to continue.

                “Mel?”

                “Your lawyer needs to speak to our lawyer that’s how it works.”

                “But we’re settling out of court.  Well apart from the Hunter dissolution thing, I did sign it but have decided to fight it.”  Michael leans against the counter.  “Are you going to pour us a glass of wine?”

                “No.  Why are you fighting Hunter on this?”

                “Because he fucking owes me!  We saved his ass and after he almost killed Ben taking him…”

The rest of his sentence ends in a scream of agony as the full weight of Jenny’s roller derby trained body connects with his testicles and as he crumples to the floor, Leda and I manage to wrestle her to the other side of the counter.

                “Get out!  Get out now!”  She screams at them. 

Michael is groaning and in the foetal position, all of Lindsay’s attempts to help him up being firmly rebuffed. 

                “Do not fucking come back here until you are invited?  I can’t believe you said that!  You really are a cunt Michael Novotny!”  Jenny yells and then breaks down in tears in Leda’s arms.

It takes Lindsay a good five minutes to get Michael to stand up by which time Leda has managed to get Jenny out and I am looking at a stony faced Gus, who now has a death glare all of his own.

                “Butch come.”  And he turns and walks away.

                “Oh my God!  That’s disgusting!”

I hear a shriek from the front door as Lindsay and Michael discover that Butch hasn’t quite grown out of his chewing shoes issue.

DEB & CARL’S – SATURDAY LUNCH TIME

CARL

Mel had called last night to let us know that they had been round and had upset the kids to the extent that Jenny wanted to talk to us before the rest of the family arrived but wouldn’t tell us why.

Red is pottering around, she’s done her take on a Chinese style banquet, she’s still reeling from the revelation that Zee doesn’t like Italian food, she ranted for a good 20 minutes after that call, and has made it her mission to change her mind.  I’m staying well away from that one.

                “Hi Carl!”  Mel calls out jolting me out of my musings.

                “Hey grandpa, grandma.”

                “Where’s Butch and…ah there’s my boys, Gus go get the cushions.  Yes your grandma got another one just for them.”

Gus grins at me and heads to the spare room, it’s no longer Michael’s room.  Red redecorated it and put all of his crap on eBay and has been raking in a pretty penny.  Matt and Hunter gave us the double bed from the Brownstone and the rest of the family helped furnish it and it looks great.

                “Grandpa, grandma can I talk to you please?”  Jenny looks uncharacteristically timid and sounds quiet.  “I want to apologise for something that I said yesterday…”

                “Sweetheart you weren’t rude to us yesterday?”  Red points out confused.

                “No but I used a bad, very bad word, to someone and I shouldn’t have done and…”

                “You called your father the c-word?”  Red asks.

Jenny’s head whips up and then she nods.

                “Well if it makes you feel any better, I’ve called him that a few times, don’t do it again though okay?”

                “I won’t grandma.  You’re not going to make me apologise to him are you?”

                “God no!  It takes a lot for that word to spring from some people’s mouths and I’m sure you had your reasons, now the matter is closed.”

Jenny rushes to give us both a hug and then goes to help Gus. 

                “So what did he say?”  I ask Mel and Leda

Mel sighs and pulls us further into the kitchen.

                “It was about Hunter and how he owed him, he’s wanting to fight him on the dissolution order, after he said that Hunter…now remain calm…almost killed Ben and as well as calling him that word she brought the full weight of her body on his balls.  And Butch butched their shoes up something good.”

                “I don’t suppose any of that is on tape?”  Red asks once she’s recovered.

                “I think Gus managed to record it, not what he said just her running into him why?”  She asks.

                “Great, send it to Matt, seems Daph has managed to persuade him to do a best bits compilation for Brian and Justin’s wedding, so far we’ve to the New Year’s Eve Party, the trespassing thing, Michael being flipped on his back and now this…”

                “Oh my God, you’d never know to look at her how big a mean streak she’s got!”  Leda snorts.

                “Who’s got a mean streak?”  Jennifer calls out coming in with Tucker.

Mel waves a bottle at them and they both nod.  It’s amazing, a few months ago she was a persona non grata but now that title belongs to Lindsay and Soprano Boy. 

                “We’ll tell you once everyone is here.”  I snicker.

Forty minutes later the room is filled with laughter, Justin’s eyes are streaming as he managed to inhale his wine.  The kids are upstairs splicing, or whatever the word is, the videos together and we’re toasting Jennifer on her major coup.

                “Kids can you come down for a minute, I need to tell you guys something!”  Mel calls up.

When they’re down Mel grins at us.

                “I have been placed on gardening leave from Chase, Donaldson & Draper for two weeks before I have to go back and hand over the rest of my cases to the new partner in the firm.”

                “And you’re smiling because?”  Justin prompts

                “Because I found a gold plated hen’s tooth.”  She replies starting to tear up.

                “Holy fuck!  You’re kidding me!”  Ted shouts.  “Mel that’s fantastic absolutely fantastic!”

                “I know, apparently he started to hawk after I won the first case and well, um, I start in a month.”

                “Ted, Mel you want to clue the rest of us in?”  Blake elbows him in the ribs.

                “I’ve got a partnership with White & Sullivan.”

We all just stare at her in shock before swamping her in a hug, Leda is trying not to cry.

                “Were you going to tell us last night?”  She gasps

Mel nods and flings her arms round her and squeezes her hard.  Everyone pretends not to notice.

                “And there’s more.”

                “Wait, you don’t have to tell them where you work do you?”  Jenny asks worriedly.

                “No sweetheart I don’t but that’s not it.  The new partner at Chase is a one Charles Phelps-Gordon and he’s moving to Pittsburgh with his partner David Cameron and oh David’s son, some kid called, oh now he did tell me, what’s he called, it’s on the tip of my tongue…”

                “Hank is moving to Pittsburgh!”  Jenny squeaks.  “He and I are going to have a chat, you don’t keep stuff like that from your girl…I mean friend excuse me!” 

She dashes upstairs already on the phone.

                “That is incredible, Mel I’m so happy for you!”  Zee tells her again

                “Great, now all they need to do is find somewhere to live.”  Mel states.  “Jennifer I told him to contact you about that, so expect his call.”

Suddenly Zee burst out laughing and Faal grins.

                “No need to do that people.”  Faal exclaims.

                “Okay, from this point on can we have conversations that are plain and simple?!”  Red demands

                “I’ve completed the purchase of Shadyside.  Charles and David need a place to live and it is opposite Joshua and Carrie and now I have the perfect reason to get him out, but not before I make a few modifications.  You know so they can see what they have lost.”

The room erupts again, it takes a few minutes for us to realise that the door is being knocked on.  I head to open it and am surprised by who I see.

                “Um, it’s Emily and France…”

                “Francine, yes, hello Carl, um Brian and Justin invited us.”

I open the door and they come hesitantly in.

                “Emily, Francine glad you could make it, you know mostly everyone right.  Well everyone, meet our wedding florists.”  Justin announces proudly.

                “Oh sweeties, if you need any pointers, now bear with me not trying to teach you to suck eggs, but this is how Zee says it with flowers.”

Brian’s eyes got really wide when he saw the picture of the vase and he just looked at Justin.

                “We’ve found our theme haven’t we, black, purple, blood red and dark orange?”  Justin’s sunshine smile is out.  “Okay those who are on the planning committee let’s go talk wedding, Emmy Lou can you get Daph.”

After four hours where amongst other things we had five bottles of wine, three defences of Italian food, two fierce arguments over the scallop dish from the messy fest vs the lobster kedgeree, four dogs walked, a Chinese banquet demolished and a bottle of brandy shared the wedding of the century in Portland is locked down.

                “Oh Zee, what about the wedding breakfast.”  Emmy Lou asks.

                “To quote Aunt D, they come, they eat and they get married…no other shit is being told.”

SHADYSIDE – MONDAY MORNING

MICHAEL

I knew we should’ve stopped her from doing roller derby.  I actually have a bruise on my stomach where she hit me so hard and I have only just been able to stand upright since yesterday.

My deliveries from eBay are coming today and Lindsay isn’t feeling well so isn’t going in to work.  I limp over to the door and open it.

                “Can I help you?”

                “Mr Novotny?”

                “Yes.”

                “Good, my name is Warth, Malcom Warth from Warth Realtors, I represent your new landlord. This letter is for you.”

I take it warily and open it before grinning and wincing when I call out to Lindz.

                “What is it?” 

                “The new landlord is going to renovate this place!  They’re even adding an extension to it out the back.  Wow that’s incredible when does this happen?”

                “Do we get to see the plans make any suggestions?”  Lindz asks.

                “No and no.  As the tenants you don’t get that right it’s their place to do with what they feel fit.  As for when it happens it starts from Wednesday and the works should be completed by next Friday.”

                “Wow that’s a quick turnaround.  How exciting!”  Lindz smirks. 

                “So we would need you to vacate the property by Tuesday lunch time.”

                “That doesn’t give us a lot of time.”

                “For which we apologise and will be putting you up in either the Mansions on the Fifth or The Inn on Negley for the duration of these renovation works as limited compensation for the inconvenience caused and here is your amended tenancy agreement.”

I snatch it from him and we grin at each other.

                “Mansions on the Fifth definitely!”  Lindz cries out.  “Come Michael we have to pack!”

BERNADINE WILLIAMSON RESIDENCE – MONDAY EVENING

BERNADINE

I’m not sure how I should approach this, part of me wants to be smug because of their grasping nature but the other feels sorry for them.  It is an open secret how she is viewed and having discussed it with Arnold he said to approach it how I would like to be approached.

                “Darling the Petersons are here.”

                “Nancy, Ronald how nice to see you.  What would you like to drink?”

                “Oh whatever Arnold is having?”  Ronald replies.

                “I’ll have whatever you’re having Bernice.”  Nancy’s tone is hostile.

We take a seat in the lounge and there’s an uncomfortable silence whilst I gather my thoughts.

                “Bernadine, what’s this about?”

I clear my throat and mentally square my shoulders.

                “Nancy did you ever wonder why I would never sell Squirrel Hill to you?”

                “Because we wouldn’t pay the exorbitant asking price?”  She snipes

                “No, because I couldn’t bear the thought of Lindsay living there or having anything to do with it.”

                “Now just a minute!”  Ronald blusters.

                “Ronald, Nancy please listen, please?”  Arnold smiles gently at him

                “I even sold it for under the asking price so you wouldn’t get it.  Do you know…no let me approach this differently.  We’re WASPS and we love and cherish our children and give them everything they want…”

                “Are you questioning my parenting skills?”  She bridles standing up.

                “Sit down Nancy.”  Arnold puts a restraining hand on her arm and she slowly sits back down.

                “A bit.  Do you know that your children are somewhat disliked in the country club, Lindsay more than Lynette…”

                “Is this because of that phase in her life, well that’s over and done with now…”  She interrupts

                “It has nothing to do with her sexuality.  In fact the only people bothered about her sexuality are you?  And I have to apologise for the snippy remark I made the last time we met but she was so rude the time before, I had to pay her back.  What you’re not quite understanding is that Lyndsay comes across as boorish, over indulged and unnecessarily entitled and she treats people who she feels are beneath her appallingly.”

Ronald is sitting back digesting what I’m saying and Nancy is fuming.

                “Currently she’s having a lot of private issues and that may affect her mood…”

                “Since she was 14?”  Arnold asks

                “Arnold, let me handle this.  Is one of the private issues a breach of promise trial that she narrowly avoided by agreeing to settle out of court?”

                “What breach of promise trial?”

I go on to tell her what I overheard in the wine department.

                “But, but she said it was all Mel’s doing, that Mel was the one that cheated and she never mentioned anything about other lawsuits, how can I believe you over her?!”

                “Nancy, she had her back to me, she never saw me and Mel doesn’t know who I am.”

                “Excuse me I need to make a phone call.  Phil hi its Ronald Peterson, what can you tell me about the breach of promise prelim, wait let me put you on speaker, and sorry Phil since I’m paying I want to know every fucking thing."

                “Arnold let’s leave them to their phone call.  We’ll be in the kitchen.” 

Twenty minutes later the shell-shocked Petersons join us in the kitchen.

                “Are you okay?”  I ask gently.

                “I’m so angry and humiliated, does everyone know?”  She asks quietly

                “About what I told you no.  But everyone has had a taste of her personality and it has got worse she see started to associate with Zee Ugerstacht and by associate I mean try and…”

                “Her!  She’s another reason that she’s having problems!  Oh and she bought your house.”

                “She did, dammit if I had known it was her I would’ve gone for full price!”  I smile at Arnold

                “Don’t you know who she is?”  Nancy is shrill.

                “Yes of course I do she’s married to Faal Ugerstacht who Lindsay has been trying to get into the pants of ever since she met him.  Privately she a partner in E&ZHoD and professionally she’s Zaden Stark of Stark Securities, and according to Millie someone you would rather have fighting for you not against.”

They take a few minutes to absorb what I’ve said and I catch the moment that they believe me.

                “So tell me if she was your child what would you do?”  Nancy’s eyes are blazing.