BRIAN

I wanted a chance to talk to Justin, because it was time he knew what our relationship was like. Max was right, I needed to tell Justin the truth before anyone else told him their version of it. Max and Emmett told us they would watch the kids. Justin told me that we could go to his house, since it was unlikely the Novotny’s knew where he lived. I wanted to pack the kids up and take them to his house too, but I got Max and Emmett to promise that if Deb or Michael showed up to call the police and keep the kids away. 

Once we were at Justin’s house I was trying to figure out what to say.

“Well, are you going to talk?” Justin asked me after a few minutes.

I was trying to figure out how to tell him what a shit I was, only everything I thought of would have me kicking my ass out of his life. I wanted a chance with Justin, but the truth wasn’t pretty.

“I need to tell you about the way we were before you left.” I tell him.

“Why? It’s not like it matters anymore.” He tells me.

“I just don’t think you being blindsided by our past is going to make it easy for you to trust me.” I tell him.

“Go ahead, but you need to understand that the past to me is the past. It’s who you are now that matters.” He tells me. I was hoping that after I told him everything he would feel the same way.

“When you came into my life, I wasn’t ready to give up the way my life had been. I made you think you were a pain in my ass. I set out to show you that I didn’t need or want a relationship, by ignoring you and fucking men around you. The problem was inside my head, I wanted you around, but I couldn’t let you see that. I won’t lie to you and say that I was in love with you then, but I saw the possibility. It scared the hell out of me, I didn’t want to care that much about anyone else. So when the burglary happened, I used it as a way to kick you out. I acted as if I didn’t care that you disappeared.” I tell him.

“So in essence, you were trying to keep your life the same and I was in the way. I don’t want you to feel like you have to be with me because you feel guilty for what ended up happening.” He tells me.

“It’s not guilt, I wouldn’t even being trying to get you back if it was that. It’s just, after you were gone, I missed you being there. You would do all these little things to show me you cared but didn’t push for more from me. It was nice for once not having to constantly take care of someone, but to have someone take care of me. It was after you disappeared that I looked at the people who I thought were my family and saw the difference. You didn’t want me to take care of you, you wanted me to care about you. All my life, people used me to do things for them, and doled out their love for me based on my giving them what they wanted. You confused me by not asking for things, not putting conditions on me. In a way I have you to thank for not letting people use me as a bank. I used every resource I had trying to find you. So when they came with their hands out, I turned them away, so that I could use the money to find you.” I tell him.

“Brian, how much were you putting into the search for me?” He asks me.

“I didn’t and don’t care about the money Justin. I wanted you back and the money was a way to find you and  try to get you back.” I tell him.

“I guess what I’m trying to ask you is, why weren’t there any leads?” He asked me.

“What do you mean by that?” I ask him.

“Just that I didn’t lead a quiet life. I did really well in New York, so it’s not like a detective couldn’t have stumbled onto me. I was at a lot of functions with Max, who always makes the papers. The name wouldn’t have been the same and we did keep it quiet about the amnesia, but I look the same, so how hard would it have been to see a picture of me in a paper or on the news?” He asks me.

“Good question, I don’t know. I never looked at the arts section unless it was about business, and didn’t watch segments on entertainment on television.” I tell him.

“Yeah, it was also years before I was really on the news, so it could have just been that Max didn’t want to use anything that would bring con artists out to claim to be long lost relatives. He worried about that because it happened to him.” He tells me.

“People will do all sorts of things for money, so I understand him wanting to be cautious about you and I really appreciate that he did that for your sake.” I tell him.

“Max also didn’t have memory loss, so when someone came to him, claiming to be his relative, Max showed them to the door. I can read people, but if someone offered me a chance to find out about my life, I might have listened until I realized they were lying.” He tells me.

“I just don’t want Deb, Michael, or Lindsay telling you something that is going to make you think that I was a heartless shit.” I tell him.

“If you were, that’s in the past. Show me who you are, and we can work from there. We might not have more than an attraction, neither of us is the person we were, so who knows if we would still want each other.” He tells me.

“Justin, you care about people, and always have. That is the person I fell in love with, and I want you to know I did end up loving you. You would do whatever it took to take care of the people you love, and that hasn’t changed. Amnesia didn't change that about you. It’s why I want to protect you from the others.” I tell him.

“I won’t put up with people hurting my child and now children. I just don’t understand this Deb woman, what the hell is it with her? Why is she so set on making you love her son?” He asks me.

“Because if Michael wants something he gets it. She isn’t the mom we all thought she was. As long as I put Michael first, Deb was fine. It was when you first came around that she was constantly reminding me that Michael was such a great friend. She backed off when he was dating a doctor, but I think it was her hoping Michael would get a rich husband. He dumped the doctor the minute you disappeared.” I tell him.

“You’d think if she wanted someone to support them she would have made Michael stick to the doctor.” He tells me.

“She tried to get me to do something to help Michael get David back, I told her to go to hell. She tried to get David to take Michael back, but when it didn’t work, she and Michael tried to live at my loft. They said it was because they were worried about you and wanted to help. Although telling me to leave it to your mother to find you and get on with my life was a stupid way to go about it.” I tell him.

“I don’t get why with all the ways they wanted to trap you, Deb didn’t see Jewel as a way?” He asks me.

“At the time, I think she thought your mom would take her and I wouldn’t care about a kid that wasn’t mine.” I tell him.

“They didn’t know you as well as they thought.” He tells me.

“No, because if they did they would have understood that I would care about and love anything that linked me to you. Jewel became my child, because I wanted to hold onto any piece of you I could get. Jewel changed everything for me. I had this beautiful little girl who needed a family and someone to love her. Everyone but Gus became less important.” I tell him.

“I have to say it, I’m glad they thought you wouldn’t care. I would hate to have to fight them for Jewel, because that woman and her son shouldn’t be raising a child, any child.” He tells me.

“All that aside, I need you to know that I’m through giving in to them. We might end up with all sorts of problems coming from that camp, especially if they get Lindsay in on it.” I tell him.

“What’s she like?” He ask me.

“Uber bitch would be putting it nicely, she can be all serene, mother of the year and then it’s all about her. Ted and Emmett thought it was that she wanted me to be in a relationship with her, but it’s not. She likes to cause problems. She liked that Mel and I hated each other, and would play us off of each other. We fell for it because it looked like Lindsay was trying to play peacemaker. Mel and I aren’t ever going to be best friends and a lot of that came from Lindsay alway making sure Mel knew that I was important in her life, in a way more important than Mel. Lindsay wouldn’t want me as anything more than a checkbook, because I won’t let her play lady of the manor. Mel loved her enough to allow her to do what she wanted. I still remember her trying to be nice to me when they wanted me to sign my rights away. You weren’t very happy with me when I told them I would do it, but I thought it would be good for Gus. I was glad when I didn’t sign my rights away to Gus, because Lindsay could have made my life all kinds of hell.” I tell him. 

Justin seems to be thinking of something because he looks confused and angry at the same time. After a second he looks at me.

“THAT MOTHER FUCKING BITCH!” Justin yells.

“Yeah she is, but you don’t have to feel that strongly about it.” I joke.

“Brian, I was with you when they talked to you?” He asks me.

“Yes, why?” I ask him.

“What does Mel look like?” He asks me

“She’s petite, brunette, a bit butch, would have been really pretty if she wasn’t trying so hard to be a dyke.” He tells me.

“Lindsay, blonde about my height?” He ask me.

“Good description, she comes from a well to do family. In a weird way she’s like your mom, well put together, just a bitch, unlike your mom.” I tell him. It took me a second to realize he described Lindsay without me telling him what she looked like. “Wait how do you know what Lindsay looks like?” I ask him.

“I sometimes have what seems like a daydream but it feels real. I just don’t know the people and I let it go, because I never had anyone to ask about it. So I let it go. I can’t let this go.” He tells me.

“I never signed my rights away, so there isn’t anything for you to be upset about.” I tell him.

“How about the fact that Lindsay has known where I was for at least the last four years, can you let that go?” He asks me.

“Can you explain that, because it’s going to be open season on Lindsay if you're telling me the truth.” I tell him.

He starts dialing on his phone.

“Hey Jay, you get any? Cause if I had Emmett alone without the monkeys, I’d be naked and entertaining.” Max tells him.

“My children better not have heard that.” Justin tells him.

“Jesus Jay, you think I would say something like that in front of your babies. I’m with the women folk, so we’re safe. Although your mom is turning kind of red. Mom, he obviously did the dirty with Mr. Kinney, cause you know Aidan wasn’t the immaculate conception. So Jay what you want, cause you should really end the dry spell and take a test drive on the Kinney express.” Max is my new best friend.

“MAX.” Justin said it like a parent.

“Jay, what the hell is going on?” Max asks him, but it's like silly queen turned off and Mad Max is here. 

“I need you to get to my house, because I need you to stop Brian and I from killing Liddy.” Justin tells him.

“Don’t tell me the woman found you. I know she’s been asking everyone where you are.” He tells us.

“No, but if the woman I saw in my head is Gus’s mom, then Liddy has some explaining to do. Is there a picture of her anywhere?” Justin looks at me. I shake my head no, because I didn’t want him to see Lindsay and be right.

“Tell Justin to look at his website, there’s a picture of her in the background of one of the photo’s. I took a few that day at the GLC, but I wanted pictures of Justin and I not them. Um, who’s Liddy?” Daphne asks.

“Wait Jay, I got it pulled up let me look. It looks like her, less polish than we’re used to and she is in the background so could just be lighting. Do me a favor and stay at the house, let me and Ted look into this, we are less likely to be murderers at the end of the day. Like Emmett mentioned, jail isn’t like a porno, so us gay boys don’t want to be there.” Max hangs up.

I suddenly remember something and turn my phone and show him Lindsay. I never erased it because this was someone I used to love like a sister.

“Justin, please tell me that this isn’t Liddy?” I beg him. I need to hear him tell me that the last four years couldn't have been avoided.

“Seems she goes by more than one name.” He tells me. Lindsay died for me in that minute.

“I need to go. Deb is going to tell me where the fuck Lindsay is. I’m going to make everyone who ever robbed us of a life, pay.” I tell him.

“No, Deb isn’t going to tell you anything. You can’t violate your own restraining order. Think of the kids, they need their father.” He tells me.

“Justin, I need to be the one who takes care of the shit they did to us.” I tell him.

“Brian, restraining orders work both ways, if you go within five hundred feet of them and talk to them you end up in trouble, because they just don’t give them for shits and giggles.” He tells me.

“Is there something you need to tell me?” I never asked him about other relationships.

“No, but Max has had to do them a couple times, when his ex’s caused damage to property.” He tells me.

“What do you expect me to do? I can’t sit here and do nothing.” I tell him.

Justin smiles his biggest smile. “No, but maybe you could try to jog my memory.” He tells me.

“You want to hear more about your life?” I ask him.

“Um, no.” He tells me as he walks closer.

“I could take you on a ride around to places you used to know.” I tell him.

“No, don’t want a ride in a car, Mr Kinney.” Justin looks up into my eyes.

“What kind of ride do you need?” I ask him.

“How about aboard the Kinney Express?” He asks me.

“Are you sure, because as much as I want to, I don’t want a relationship that is all about sex.” I want to kick my own ass for just not striping out of my clothes.

“At least we can see if we still fit.” He tells me.

“Why now?” I need to shut up.

“You taking charge turned me on, of course you turn me on, so who’s to say. Either way, I’d rather enjoy you than deal with them today. So what do you say, want to try to make a memory with me?” Justin turns and starts taking off his clothes as he walks through the living room entrance and up the stairs. He throws a smile over his shoulder. 

It took less than a second for me to debate what to do, sorry folks but it’s been five years since my last time with him and he’s right, we can deal with everything else later.

I followed him to his room and watched as Justin finished undressing, he filled out in his arms and chest, less twink, and why am I not undressed? I undressed under his watchful eyes, and could see him assessing me.

“Anything familiar?” I ask him.

“No, but that’s half the fun, we get to start anew. Which means I’m going to enjoy all things Kinney.” He tells me.

“I want more than one night.” I tell him. 

“Then prove to me we were more. Show me what you couldn’t say.” He tells me. 

I realize that part of what worked for us was that what I could never say to him in the past, I tried to show him. It was time to find the man he loved all those years ago. 

I walked up to the man that was a ghost haunting my dreams and touched flesh and blood. It was no longer a dream, but reality. I wanted to worship him, so there would be no misunderstanding between us. Instead of throwing him on the bed, I got down on my knees to do something I never would do for anyone but him. I slid my hands up his chest and leaned in to take him into my mouth. When he moaned, I wanted to see to look of ecstasy he got from this. We were looking at each other and it made me want to make him cum, because it turned me on when Justin reached total bliss. I began working him deeper into my throat and hummed to play with his nerve endings. I could feel he was losing control and I knew he loved having me fuck his ass with my fingers, while I blew him. I brought my fingers down to massage his entrance, but Justin seem to want more than that.

“Show me how we fit, I don’t want to be alone in pleasure.” He tells me. 

He pulled me up to him and handed me a condom. I wanted him to be sure this is what he wanted, because there would be no way to escape me after this.

“I won’t let you go. If we do this, we make it work this time.” I tell him.

“We have a clean slate, so don’t hide your love. It’s all I need from you.” He tells me.

I grab the condom. It’s time to practice no regrets, because Justin needs me to be more than a man with hundreds of regrets. Justin lays back on the bed and waits for me. I want him to remember everything, but he’s right, with a clean slate I am no longer a prisoner of my past.

I crawl over him and want us to stay face to face. Leaning down to taste his lips, I grab the lube he put on the bed and use it to help prepare him for me. Justin was moaning when I inserted the first finger, when I started to use two he was riding my hand. I needed to join us, removing my hand I moved my cock to his bud and started slowly thrusting in. Justin wanted more so I stopped trying to go slowly and thrust in all the way. I stopped and looked to see that I didn’t hurt him, and realized he was waiting for me to move.

“I’m fine.” He tells me.

It was all I needed to hear. I started to make love to Justin, because I could do it without worrying about how he was going to use it against me. I could feel the tingle that my release was coming and wanted Justin to join me. I began driving against the nerves that would have him climax and barely held off until I felt the walls of his ass pulsate against my cock. I thrust faster and faster and allowed myself satisfaction, when I felt Justin’s cum between us. Collapsing on top of him, I breathed in a scent that was always familiar to me, Justin and our love.