He gripped the steering wheel, the tension tight in his body. By the time he arrived, he felt that he needed a soak in the hot tub before he was calm enough to attempt a conversation.  Brian pulled into the garage and walked upstairs, loosening his tie and the top button of his pants. Again he thought of the many nights Justin was waiting on their bed when he came home. I know he's not there now, but maybe tomorrow.

Brian changed into his swimsuit, grabbed a towel and retreated to the pool. Surveying the area, he noticed the pristine blue of the pool water, a reflection of the pool's painted bottom. Blue, like Justin's eyes, the mirror to his soul. Whoever said that was right; his eyes speak volumes. My actions may talk for me, but his eyes...

Brian jumped into the pool, running his hands over his face to get it wet. He pushed off the side, reached his arms in front of him, and swam the length of the pool. The water rushed by his ears as he mindlessly brought his arm out of the water, elbow crooked at a 90 degree angle, perfect for sluicing the water in the most aerodynamic manner. Kicking his legs in tight succession, he propelled himself through the water. As he neared the edge, he flipped himself and pushed off again. After swimming six lengths of the pool, he stopped, turned on his back and continued with a back stroke. While he swam on his back, he continued to keep his eyes closed to avoid the chlorinated water. As he moved, he could hear the rush of the water, although it sounded different when he was on his back. He swam four lengths of the pool, then turned over again to swim a few laps of butterfly.

___

Justin worked on his painting in the afternoon, but found painting with one hand too frustrating. He took a nap, thinking it would help relieve his tension. He closed his eyes and fell asleep quickly as he thought of the conversation with Gus.

"I made the district soccer team and I wanted to know if you could come to the game? Dad said I should ask you directly because he didn't know your schedule."

When's the game? I'll make sure to clear my calendar. It's taken me a long time to understand the game, but after watching you all these years, I think I can follow it pretty well. Besides, I'm proud of you and I'd want to be there. You're like a son to me, Gus."

"You will always be my other dad, Justin. After all, you and Dad have been together practically since I've been born," Gus reminded him.

Justin parked his car in the almost full lot, taking out his lawn chair from the trunk. The skies were grey, ominous, but he thought the rain would hold out. He searched the field looking for Gus's team, but couldn't find it. He looked for Brian, but couldn't find him either. Quickening his pace, he walked the edge of each of the fields, but no one seemed familiar. No Mel, no Linds, no Brian. He stopped, took out his BlackBerry and opened the calendar section. The game was today, at least that is what he wrote down.

He stopped to ask a spectator, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for Western Pittsburgh championship game."

"It's not here. Maybe it's at Washington Field. It's the field for Allegheny High. They usually play big games there."

"Thanks," Justin said as he walked quickly to his car.

Flipping open his phone, he dialed Lindsay's number. "Hey, Linds. It's Justin. Where is Gus's game? I thought it was at the public fields, but I don't see you guys."

"Sorry, Justin. I thought Brian told you. They moved the game to the fields at Carnegie Mellon. It started half an hour ago. I'm sorry."

"Shit. I'm across town and it would take me half an hour to get there. Tell Gus I'm sorry."

Justin felt the tears forming in his eyes, but he wiped the moisture away. "This was an important event in Gus' life and I missed it because I'm mad at Brian. I will not let that happen again. This has to stop," he mumbled to himself as he put the chair back in the car.


He sat upright in bed, the sweat making him damp all over. "That can't happen. Gus won't suffer because Brian and I are fighting," he said out loud as his stomach growled.

He flipped the covers off and went into the bathroom where he washed himself quickly with a wet cloth. He dressed and walked to the house, where he saw Rosa cooking dinner.

"Evening, Mr. Taylor. Will you be joining Mr. Kinney for dinner? I heard his car a while ago," she said as she poured the rice into the saucepan.

"Is he upstairs?" Justin glanced toward the door, half-expecting Brian to walk in.

"I haven't seen him. It's early. Sometimes he goes for a swim, you might try there," Rosa casually mentioned as she returned to preparing the vegetables for their dinner.

Justin's stomach growled very loudly.

"Now Mr. Taylor, you better take better care of yourself or you won't heal well. It'll be a few hours until dinner; why don't I fix you a sandwich to hold you over?"

Justin shook his head. "No thanks. I'll just drink a glass of milk and have a banana. Could you pour the milk? It's still a little hard with the cast."

Rosa poured the milk for Justin and he ate the small snack. Placing the dirty glass in the dishwasher, he walked through the house toward the pool area. He remembered telling Brian that he loved to watch the swimmers in high school; their strong muscles on their broad chests always made him horny, not to mention the great water play a pool provided. Within a few weeks, there was a work crew building a pool on the estates. Leave it to Brian to take a small comment from Justin to change their home. Oftentimes Brian swam in the pool, getting a quick workout to relieve the high stress of his job.

I don't know what his job is like right now, but I know for damn sure his life is pretty stressful. He walked toward the pool area, his body starting to sweat again at the anticipated encounter. The area was surrounded by glass walls, and Justin could see that Brian was in the pool before he entered the area. He is beautiful, still the face of God, just like I said when I was 17. He opened the door and stood by the side of the pool, watching Brian glide through the water like the natural athlete he was.

Brian was in the zone, not aware of anything other than his activity and Justin was thankful that he had a few moments to think. Brian finished his last lap, swimming to the edge of the pool. Looking up he saw Justin and stopped his ascent on the ladder.

"Hey," Brian said tentatively.

"Hey," Justin said in return.

"Swimming a few laps, letting off steam." Brian stood in the water, not moving to continue up the ladder.

Justin nodded his head, but stayed silent.

"It's getting cold in here. Can you hand me my towel?"

Brian got out of the pool and Justin handed him his towel. Brian vigorously dried his body, taking extra time to dry his hair. He wrapped the towel around his waist and went to sit on one of the pool chairs.

Justin continued to stand, not moving toward Brian or the door. Feeling the sweat on his body drip down his chest and pool under his arms, he looked for a towel that he could use to wipe his brow, but didn't find one. He walked over to the patio furniture and sat down next to Brian.

"Gus called me this afternoon," Justin said as he played with ashtray on the table.

"He was really excited about making the team. It appears all those Saturday mornings kicking around the soccer ball paid off." Brian looked at Justin, seeing the fatigue in his eyes. He heard Justin's stomach growl and said, "You're hungry. Why don't you get Rosa to fix you something?"

"Why don't you feed the elephant too?" Justin asked as he felt his anger surge through his body.

"You lost me there, Justin. I just said you should get Rosa to fix you something."

"There's a big elephant standing in the middle of the room and we're both avoiding it," Justin explained as he stood up and walked to the glass window that provided a view of the back of the house.

"I'm getting cold sitting in my wet suit. Do you think we could continue this after I shower and change?" Brian stood up and walked toward Justin, laying his hand on top of his shoulder.

The heat of Brian's hand warmed Justin, swelling his heart with love. "Sure. How ‘bout I meet you in the media room in thirty minutes?" Justin did not turn around, but he felt the definite squeeze of Brian's hand on his shoulder as he turned to leave the area.

Justin stared out at the yard, seeing the white flakes float down from the sky, covering everything with a blanket of white, providing their home with a peaceful scene. He returned to the kitchen, where he asked Rosa to make him a small sandwich to hold him over until dinner.

Brian peeled off his wet suit and hung it on the rack to dry. Turning on the water, he adjusted the temperature to comfortable warmth and stepped inside to shower off the chlorine. As he washed himself, he realized that it had been several days since he had helped Justin shower, and the pain of the last few days surged through his body. I'm such a jerk. Why does he even want to talk to me? He's got a broken arm because of the accident, and it was my fault. If only I had gotten the milk the night before. If only I had not gotten so greedy and tried to suck him off; then the pain from his ribs wouldn't have given him a panic attack. Who are you fooling Kinney, he just wants to tell you he's staying at the studio and that the relationship is over.

Brian got out of the shower and lay on the bed, closing his eyes for a few minutes to bolster himself for the upcoming discussion.

Vic walked into Brian's bedroom and hit him over the head, like his sister was used to doing.

"Brian Aiden Kinney. What the fuck is your problem?"

"Ouch! That hurt. Why'd you do that?"

"Because you're the biggest asshole I know, and that is the only way to knock some sense into your thick skull," Vic said as he picked up the pillow next to Brian to hit him again.

"I know I'm an asshole. That's why Justin left and that's why he's going to tell me we're better off without each other."

Vic hit him over the head with the pillow. "You're impossible." He put the pillow down and walked to the window, gazing at the back yard, where he saw the pool addition. "What were you doing before your shower?"

"What difference does that make?"

"Just answer the question. I repeat, what were you doing before your shower?"

"I was swimming."

"I see."

"Was there always a pool on the property?"

"No, but I don't see how that's important."

"Why is there a pool now?"

"Justin said he'd like one and it sounded like a good idea."

"I see."

"Vic, what are you getting at? We have a pool because Justin made a comment that he used to watch the athletes when he was in high school, and that it was hot, so I had a pool built."

"So you do things for Justin to make him happy?"

"Of course. I do a lot of things for Justin. I want him happy." Brian sat up on the bed, looking at Vic.

"Does he do things for you? To make you happy, I mean, and not just sex." Vic walked around the room, but stopped to turn toward Brian when he asked his question.

"Sure he does. We're together and that is what people do when they're in a relationship."

"So you admit that you're in a relationship?"

"I've probably been in a relationship with him for 17 years, I just didn't always admit it. Vic, why the twenty questions? I know that I had the pool built and that I'd do anything for Justin, but I don't see where that has any bearing on the situation."

"Does Justin feel the same way about you? Doing things for you because you're in a relationship?"

Brian thought for a few seconds and answered, "Of course. He's always doing things like going shopping with me--he hates shopping--or not giving me shit about the twenty new suits I buy each season.

"Does Justin ever make you mad?"

"Sure. If I had a dollar for every towel he leaves on the bathroom floor, I'd be rich-well, richer. He forgets to turn on his cell, and he gets wrapped up in painting and...."

"Does he ever get mad at you?"

"Of course he does. I don't talk to him about what's going on and I'm very private at times."

"I see. So you admit that you care for him, he cares for you, and that you both don't like things the other person does?" Vic summarized.

Brian rubbed the bridge of his nose and ran his hand over his face. "Yeah and..."

"Brian, mistakes are part of a relationship just as much as doing things for the other person, and not liking everything the person does."

"But I screwed up. He probably just came to tell me we're done."

"You said the magic words, Brian. He came to you. That's got to count for a lot. He came to talk to you. See what he has to say. Don't put words in his mouth. You have seventeen years of relationship between you; don't throw it away just because you think he'd want it that way." Vic looked out the window, seeing that the darkness had taken over and that he could barely see the snow covered landscape. "I've got to go, Brian. Give the relationship a chance. It's the only thing that matters." Vic walked out of the room before Brian could ask him anymore questions.


Brian woke from his short nap, chilled from the lack of clothing and the cold outside. "Shit, it's pitch black outside. I must have fallen asleep." Quickly, he put on clothes and went down to the media room.

Justin finished his snack and went into the media room to wait for Brian. A half hour passed, then forty five minutes, and when it had been an hour, Justin felt the tears well up in his eyes. Brian wasn't coming. He was walking toward the bathroom when Brian walked in.

"I fell asleep," Brian said, by way of explanation.

"I thought maybe you changed your mind."

"I said I would meet you here and I always keep my word."

"I'll be right back. I need some Kleenex. My allergies are bothering me." Justin went to the bathroom, dried his eyes and blew his nose. He rinsed his face to rid his cheeks of the tear tracks, took a few deep breaths, and returned to the media room, where he found Brian pacing the floor. "I'm back," he announced.

"Gus was so excited when he called this afternoon. This is probably the biggest thing that ever happened to him." Brian didn't look at Justin as he made his comment.

"He did sound really happy. I looked at my calendar and I think I can swing the game." Justin sat down on the couch.

"Gus will be happy that you can come," Brian said.

"What about you? Are you happy that I'll be at the game?" Justin looked directly at Brian, watching his eyes for the truth.

"It will make Gus happy. So, yeah."

"I dreamed about the tournament. Dreamt that I missed it, that no one told me the location had changed, and I went to the wrong field and looked everywhere for you, Mel and Linds. It was a horrible nightmare."

"You know that would never happen. I'd tell you if the game moved. Gus would be so disappointed if you said you would come and you didn't get there." Brian walked around the media room, picking up a stray video and returning it to the shelf.

"I consider him my son and I want to be there, unless you don't want me there..." Justin looked away from Brian, not certain he wanted to see Brian's face.

Brian heard the tentative tone in Justin's words and turned toward him. He walked toward the liquor cart and started to pour himself a shot of Beam.

"Don't," Justin said quietly.

Brian put down the bottle and looked at Justin. Heaving his shoulders up and down, he turned his glass upside down. "Okay."

"Tell me, please."

"Tell you what?" Brian asked, knowing exactly what Justin wanted to know.

"Do you still love me?"

Brian opened his mouth and closed it several times before answering. "Yes, I still love you. Always have. Always will."

Justin swallowed hard at the familiar words. "Did I do something?"

"No."

"Did I make you mad?"

"No."

"Are you bored?"

Brian laughed a tiny bit. "With you there is never a dull moment."

"They why?"

"Why what?"

"The trick," Justin said softly and tried to wipe away the moisture that was beginning to form in his eyes again.

"It wasn't really a trick," Brian began the explanation.

"Was it me?"

"No."

"Then it was a trick."

"I was drunk."

Justin stood up, pacing the room, finding it difficult to listen. "So being drunk is your excuse?" Justin yelled.

Brian turned abruptly, grabbing Justin by his good arm, feeling the familiar surge of adrenaline that he always felt when he touched him. He pulled Justin to him, kissing him hard on the lips.

Justin returned the kiss at first but pulled away.

"We're not solving this by fucking. That's what caused this problem. I will not let you fuck me quiet this time." Justin stared at Brian for a few moments and then walked to the window, where he gave Brian a stare that brooked no arguments.

Brian sat on the couch, slouched over, head in his hands and talked very softly, but loud enough for Justin to hear. "It was my fault that we had the accident. If I had gotten your milk the night before like you asked, we wouldn't have been in the intersection."

"So, it's your fault we were there?" Justin asked sarcastically.

"Yes."

"Bullshit. It's called an accident for a reason, Brian."

Brian continued his story, ignoring Justin's statements. "When I saw you lying there in a coma again, it brought back too many memories. I didn't think I could do that again, waiting all those nights and endless days watching as your brain healed." He wiped the moisture from his eyes with the back of his hand. "Thankfully you were only out for a day and you seemed okay. I brought you home only to realize that the accident left you in pain and with little mobility. Not only were you in an accident, but I had to accept that you still might have permanent injuries." Brian got up and walked to the liquor cart, but bent down and retrieved a bottle of water. He poured some into a glass and returned to the couch. He took a few sips and then placed it on the coaster on the table. "I was so happy to have you home, not in a coma, and wanted to show you, but then I tried a blow job and, well, I don't need to repeat what happened there."

"That was the night--after the ambulance left?" Justin asked, knowing the answer. He saw Brian's dejected demeanor, so unlike the confident man he loved. He walked over to the chair that was next to the couch and sat down.

"I caused you more pain, something that again I couldn't forgive."

"Where'd you go?"

"To Babylon. I drowned my sorrows."

Justin didn't say anything, but allowed Brian to continue.

"I was really drunk, sitting in the VIP room, and I had closed my eyes.  Some trick unzipped my pants and started sucking me off.  I was so drunk I thought it was you.  When I opened my eyes and saw it wasn't, I staggered out of there and security called the service for me."  Brian picked up the glass of water, draining it in one gulp.  He got up and refilled the glass, more for something to do than because he was thirsty.

Justin watched Brian, his hunched shoulders, head down and tight grip on the water glass, seeing Brian's distress.  Brian had come a long way from the 29 year old male who never regretted his actions, whose opinions were the only ones that counted, and didn't believe in relationships.

Brian returned to the sitting area, placing his glass on the table, but continued to walk around the couch and chair.  "Justin, 'Sorry' is a word that I usually don't have use for. I can't take back the accident and I can't take back the trick, but if I could..."

Brian waited to for Justin to respond as he ran his hand across his face several times.

Despite his anger, Justin's heart broke at Brian's anguish.  Justin walked over to Brian, placing his hands on either side of Brian's head and whispered, "I know."

Brian looked into Justin's eyes.  "Can we fix this, Justin?"
 
"Do you want to fix it, Brian?  Do you still want me?"

"Yes."

"I'm willing to try.  Are you?"

"Yes."  Leaning into each other, they shared their first tentative kiss in several days.

TBC