Wednesday, June 8, 2005
**Brian’s POV**
*beep beep beep beep beep beep*
I groaned as I rolled over and turned off the alarm clock at 6:30 AM.
“Fuck you,” Melanie growled from her bed.
“Who, me?” I asked as I threw off the covers.
“You, time, this place, conservatives, the world…”
I chuckled and got out of bed, then went over and grabbed my workout clothes from the top of my dresser. They didn’t smell too funky, so I decided to wear them again. I shuffled into the bathroom and began to pull off my shorts to take a piss when I noticed that the material was stuck to my junk with dried jizz. I also had a hell of a morning wood that I would never be able to pee with.
“Jesus Christ,” I whispered, realizing that sometime in the night I had a wet dream, something I hadn’t done in years. I slowly pulled the shorts off, grimacing as some of my pubes were yanked in the process, as I recalled the dream I had last night.
Thumping bass. Flashing multi-colored lights. Silver confetti dropping onto my hair and clothes. A sea of men dancing around me. I must have dreamt that I was at Babylon, where I’ve had more than my share of orgasms.
“Where’s this backroom you told me about, stud?” I remember being asked. The body that the voice belonged to was pressed up against my back, his hard-on poking into my crack through my pants. Although I don’t remember ever seeing his face, I knew that it was Justin standing behind me. I don’t remember making it to the back room, either, but just feeling his body against mine must have been enough for me to blow my load in my sleep.
“Well, that’s damn disappointing,” I said out loud. “Not even in my dreams do I get to fuck him.”
“Who the hell are you talking to?” I heard Melanie yell from the bedroom.
Ignoring her, I imagined what she was doing to herself in here yesterday, and soon I was able take care of nature. Thanks, Mel.
********************
“Good morning, everybody,” Dr. Vic said to us after we were all seated in our circle, minus that dickhead Cameron, who left the facility after his little outburst yesterday evening. “Our previous group sessions have been spent getting to know one another, but today, we are going to focus on what sexual addiction is, and how best to treat it.” He then turned to his little protégé Justin and said, “Justin, would you like to get us started?”
“Sure,” Justin said. “First off, it’s important to distinguish between a habit and an addiction. A habit is something you consciously choose to do, and it normally isn’t anything very harmful to yourself or anyone else. You can give it up whenever you want without any serious physical or psychological ramifications. For example, I used to have a habit of biting my nails. Although I wasn’t hurting myself or anyone else with my habit, it left me with unsightly hands. Walking around with your fingers in your mouth and spitting out gnawed-off fingernails all over the place isn’t very attractive, either. One day I decided that enough was enough, and I quit biting them without any outside help or any kind of withdrawal symptoms.”
“You have very nice fingernails now, Justin,” Emmett commented with a gap-toothed smile.
“Thank you, Emmett. An addiction, however, is a pattern of engaging in behaviors that have negative consequences to yourself and others, and you unconsciously continue the behavior despite the harm it causes. Unlike a habit, an addiction is something people often cannot discontinue on their own without help. Often times, when someone tries to refrain from the thing they are addicted to, they suffer withdrawal symptoms, such as changes in energy levels, sleep patterns, appetite, mood or temper, and/or difficulty concentrating.
“For example, Melanie admitted to us yesterday that although she tried to refrain from masturbating, she experienced anxiety and relapsed, despite knowing that she was letting herself and her counselor, Eric, down. Masturbating is an addiction, and not a habit, for Melanie because she feels that it is something she needs in order to cope with the stress in her life, despite the negative consequences it creates, and she feels that the urge to engage in the behavior is stronger than she is. All of you are here because you feel the same way about your sexual urges.”
I continued to watch Justin talk more than I listened. It was obvious that he was intentionally trying not to look at me. Today, he was wearing a crisp button-up shirt that had thin vertical pinstripes with different shades of blue, rolled to his elbows, and a pair of dark-washed jeans, which I had noticed when he walked in showed off his perky ass very well. He had styled his hair differently so that his bangs were swepted over to the side, showing off his unlined forehead, which made him look even younger than usual. I watched his pink lips move as he spoke, and imagined them around my-
Suddenly, he looked right into my eyes and said, “Don’t you agree with that, Brian?”
“Huh?” I replied, snapping out of my daze.
“I said that refraining from thinking about sex is much more difficult than refraining from physically engaging in sexual activity, right?”
Why is he bringing me into this little lecture of his? I’m just sitting here, minding my own damn business…“Uh, sure.”
“In fact, during our individual sessions, you often go off topic from whatever we are discussing to talk about sex. Yesterday, we were talking about sports, and you quickly changed the topic to sex.”
“Well yeah, sports are boring,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. The Power Puff Girls all nodded in agreement.
“Sex is a lot more interesting than boring-ass sports,” Ginger said.
Emmett held up his hand and said, “Um, unless you’re watching Zack O’Tool ream a football team for fumbling their balls.”
Beer-bellied Joe tilted his head and asked, “What team does he coach for?”
Emmett, Dr. Vic, Justin, and I all chuckled. “Not the team that you watch, pal,” I answered.
********************
I walked to Justin’s office at exactly noon and knocked on the door. Justin answered a few moments later, and greeted me with a “Hey” and one of his beautiful smiles.
“Hey, Sunshine,” I answered back before walking into his office and stopping dead when I noticed Dr. Vic sitting behind Justin’s desk.
“Sunshine?” Dr. Vic repeated, looking amused.
“Uh… yeah, it’s just a little nickname. You know, because he’s… blonde,” I said as I stood glued to the carpet. What the fuck is the old man doing here?
“Brian, since Cameron isn’t here anymore and he was Dr. Vic’s twelve o’clock appointment, Vic decided to observe some of our session today,” Justin said as he took his usual seat.
“Since Justin is newly licensed, I wanted to watch him for a little bit, to see how he’s doing,” the doc added. “But please, carry on like I’m not here.”
Yeah, right… “Okay,” I said before walking over and sitting next to Justin. I kicked off my flip-flops and tried to relax.
“Alright,” Justin said, stealing a glance at my feet before looking at his clipboard. “I spent some time last night coming up with some questions I wanted to ask you today. First of all, I believe there might be some things that you’re not telling me.”
“Like what?” I asked, trying to crane my neck to see his list of questions. It was all in chicken-scratch from what I could see, but there were several questions. Shit… I imagine that our “tit for tat” game is over.
“Like what ultimately influenced you to decide to see professional help for your sex addiction?”
I raised my hands palms-up and said, “I don’t know what else you want me to tell you.”
“Well, you told me during our first session that you’ve felt a bit out of control with some aspects of your life lately, and that your friends seem to be moving on in their lives while you’re stuck in the past.”
“Yeah…”
“And that you have noticed that you have become more sexually active since… you know.” He looked at me a bit uneasily.
I looked over at the doc and said, “I went through treatment for testicular cancer last year, which caused temporary impotence.”
“Oh,” Dr. Vic said, obviously hearing this for the first time. At least I know that Justin kept his promise of not revealing anything I’ve told him during our previous sessions, even to his superior.
“But I’m in remission now,” I assured him.
“Yes, since your cancer treatment,” Justin said. “But you said that the cancer didn’t scare you, and although you’re uncomfortable that your friends are progressing through their lives faster than you are, I’m not buying those as reasons for you deciding to come here.”
I stretched my neck from side to side and decided to just get this over with. “Alright… A few weeks ago, I found this, uh, bump-thing on my dick. I went to get it looked at, and the doctor said that it was a canker from syphilis. It was easily treated with a shot of penicillin and it cleared up in two days, but I had the unfortunate task of having to inform my recent sex partners of it, so they could go and get tested.”
“I imagine that took a while…” Justin said, biting his bottom lip.
I nodded. “Yeah… I spent the next few days hitting the bath houses and clubs I frequent to give everyone the news, and had to send out emails to the guys I had met online, along with calling the escort agency I use. It was fucking humiliating. Everybody fucks everybody, so it spread through the neighborhood very quickly. I’ve even started driving to other clubs out of town, so I will have a new pool to choose from.”
“So, that’s what made you decide to come here?” he asked. “Lack of clean sex partners in Pittsburgh and the humiliation of catching and spreading an STD?”
“Well, that and…” I sighed and said, “There’s this guy named Brandon- he’s pretty hot and probably a little older than you. He moved to Pittsburgh a few months back, and when I put the moves on him in the backroom at Babylon one night, he pushed me away. That rarely ever happens to me. He started making the rounds, fucking everyone in sight, establishing a reputation as a top. A couple times, I would be with a trick, and the guy would see Brandon and decide to get with him instead.”
“I’m sure that Texas-sized ego of yours was mighty bruised.”
I smiled at Justin and said, “Yeah. I mean, I’m certainly not the only popular top in town, but they all respect me enough not to step on my toes. Then one night at Babylon, I saw Brandon getting his dick sucked right in the middle of the dance floor, and it pissed me off enough to have him banned from the club.”
“Brian owns Babylon; it’s a gay dance club,” Justin informed the doc.
I nodded and continued, “He confronted me at a bar I often go to, called Woody’s, a couple nights later and told me that my place as ‘top dog’ on Liberty Avenue wasn’t going to last much longer. We came up with a little competition, where we made a list of ten men for each of us to fuck. If he fucked all ten first, he could go back to Babylon, and if I fucked them all first, I’d get to fuck him.”
“And you lost?” Justin guessed.
“No- I won, actually.”
Justin scrunched up his face and asked, “What was the problem, then?”
“Well, he came to my loft the next night for me to ‘collect my prize.’ He took off all his clothes and climbed ass-up onto my bed. I stood there for a minute looking at him, his tight little asshole mine for the night, and I had no urge to fuck him. I wasn’t even hard. It just felt so… empty, like what did I really win? The chance to fuck him? Big fucking deal.”
“So, winning that contest didn’t stroke your ego, since it only proved what you already knew.”
“That I can fuck anyone, anytime- a fact that I had known for two decades.”
“What did you do?” he asked me.
“I told him to get dressed and get the fuck out. Before he left though, I told him he could go back to Babylon, if he wanted to. I’ve seen him there a few times since then, and we always give each other little salutes.”
“Hmm…” Justin thought for a few seconds, tapping his pen on his lips, and said, “I think I’m starting to understand now- because getting the opportunity to fuck your competition wasn’t appealing to you, it changed the way you felt toward your lifestyle? Turning down sex isn’t something an addict does very often, and for you to turn down the opportunity to fuck another top…?”
“Exactly - it proved to me that I’m getting bored by the whole game. I’ve felt that way for at least a year; I guess that’s why the number of partners has increased.”
Justin clicked his tongue and said, “You’ve created a tolerance to it, like substance addicts do. You have to have more sex to get the same exhilaration you used to get.”
Dr. Vic chimed in and said, “And now that you’ve experienced the added of risk of STDs in your usual stomping grounds, having numerous anonymous sex partners has lost its appeal.”
“Yes!” Justin yelled, pumping his fist in victory. “Now, we’re getting somewhere.”
The doc and I both chuckled at the kid’s enthusiasm.