After another sleepless night, Brian got dressed, rode the elevator down, and walked to his car. He noticed the small package on his window shield immediately. He plucked it from behind the windshield wiper, pulled off the plastic and looked at the CD. It simply said ‘play me’. Brian got into his car, gunned the engine once and slid the CD into the slot.

His ears were immediately assaulted by the loud beat of drums and an electric guitar screaming out a very strong rhythm. He turned the volume down a bit and while this normally didn’t sound like something he’d listen to, for some reason he felt compelled to listen. The first verse was sung in a calm voice like the singer was passing on some information that was common knowledge, but when the words Make Me Believe were sung, it was in a voice that seemed to be shouting to someone begging for something that would never be given.

Throw away my dreams

This fight for my life isn't getting behind me

And I've been told to scream

Where no one can hear me, it doesn't mean nothing

So make me believe

Just take me away from this hell I've created

And I'm afraid

I'm breaking my own vows knowing I'll go down in flames

Brian closed his eyes and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. The pounding music seemed to be slamming into his body as the words screamed out his inner feelings and desires.

I know this can't be right

There's got to be something more that I can live for

And I can only hide

Inside of this sickness for so long again

So make me believe

Just take me away from this hell I've created

And I'm afraid

I'm breaking my own vows knowing I'll go down

Make me believe

Just take me away from temptation that's calling me

And I'm afraid

I'm breaking my own vows knowing I'll go down in flames

The singer’s voice was full of anguish, shouting and begging someone to give him a reason for his existence. Make Me Believe. Brian felt the tears sliding down his cheeks. He knew this was from Master. Only he wasn’t supposed to call him Master anymore, so what was he supposed to call him?

Running in circles

Confusion is calling my name

Hiding inside of this poisoning madness again

I'm tired, I'm broken

I'm walking along with the dead

Will I ever feel like I once did?

So make me...

Brian’s body was shaking. The words of the song seemed to be coming from his very soul. It was his anguish in the singer’s voice, his pain being shouted out, and his desires being ripped from deep inside him and bared to the world. Would he ever feel again the magic he’d felt with Master? Images of the weekend he’d spent with Justin bombarded his mind fighting for dominance over the words of the song. That was all it took, just the brief recollection of his time with Master and he was achingly hard. He needed, he wanted, would someone just…

Make me believe

Just take me away from this hell I've created

And I'm afraid

I'm breaking my own vows knowing I'll go down

Brian dropped his head and let it rest against the hands still squeezing the steering wheel in a death grip as the last words of the song echoed into silence. His shoulders shook violently with his attempt to stop the sobs from escaping his lips. The tears ran down his cheeks as if all the pain and suffering inside him were welling up into this uncontrollable, destructive mass. Why was his life so fucked up? Why was it always so hard? He flung his head back against the seat with his face lifted toward the roof of the car and shouted at the top of his lungs, “FUCK!”

Brian lifted his hands to cover his face, crying for everything he’d lost and all the things he’d never be allowed to discover. He heard Master’s voice echoing through his mind, “Good boy, cookie. I’m going to fuck you, cookie. Are you my good boy?”

He didn’t even realize it but he answered that voice, “Yes, Master, I’m your good boy.” The sobs wouldn’t stop. He couldn’t make them stop. His body was shaking so hard and he felt like he was going to be sick. He pulled out his cell phone and hit the number that would connect him to Master’s private line. He just wanted to listen to the recorded message. He just needed to hear Master’s voice. He was openly sobbing now, no longer able to control what was happening to him. Only it wasn’t a recording that picked up it was his Master and he sobbed helplessly, “Master, help me, please.”

Justin almost didn’t recognize Brian’s voice. He’d never heard anything that sounded quite like it. His chest tightened and he had to swallow hard just to be able to speak. “Brian, what’s wrong?”

Brian held the cell phone tighter to his ear and tried to breathe. “Master, I…” He couldn’t go on. He wasn’t supposed to call him Master. He’d been told not to call him Master. Why couldn’t he ever get anything right?

“Brian, listen to me. Are you listening?”

Call me cookie. Just please one more time call me cookie. Brian’s mind screamed over and over. I’ll be good. Make all this pain go away, and just please call me cookie. “I am so s-sorry.” His mind reacted violently and all he heard was his own voice saying, “Sorry’s bullshit.” Not if you mean it. If you mean it, it’s not bullshit.

“Brian, I need you to tell me where you are. I’ll come and get you.”

Brian took a deep breath listening to Master’s voice. He needed to tell Master where he was. “I’m in the g-garage…in my car.”

“Don’t move. Are you still there? Listen, I’m on my way, cookie. Just hold on okay?”

Joy exploded inside Brian. He’d called him cookie. Master had called him cookie. Everything was going to be okay. “I’m here, Master.”

“I’m on my way now.” Justin grabbed his jacket and ran to the elevator. He’d done this to Brian. He never should have left that CD. He knew it would affect the man, and he was hoping it would give him a push, but he never wanted it to destroy him. He’d fix it. He had to fix it. He jumped in his car and sped toward Brian’s building. He pulled into the garage and parked his car directly behind Brian’s vette. He walked over, opened the door, and looked down at the wet desolate face.

Brian almost fell out of the car as he tried to get to Master. He hugged him so tightly and buried his face against the man’s neck. He felt hands rubbing across his back and heard the soft murmur of that familiar voice whispering that everything was going to be alright. Brian felt his body relaxing and his heart rate slowed. He breathed in the scent of his Master and leaned heavily into his solid strength. He was safe.

Justin held Brian tightly and felt his boy’s body relaxing. How was he supposed to make Brian understand that he couldn’t call him Master anymore when he still thought of Brian as his boy? “Come on, let’s go up to your place.”

Brian pulled back just a bit keeping an arm tightly wound around Master’s waist and headed toward the door.

Justin helped Brian back into his loft, undressed him, and tucked him into the huge bed. Brian wouldn’t let him go, so he took off his shoes and climbed into bed with his boy. He continued to rub small circles on Brian’s back and to murmur softly. It wasn’t long until Brian drifted off to sleep. Justin continued to hold him tightly, kissed the top of that auburn head, and whispered, “What am I going to do with you, cookie?”

Brian slowly drifted out of the darkness and snuggled closer to the warm body next to him. He rubbed his face against Master’s neck and opened his mouth placing a kiss on the warm skin.

“Sleeping beauty finally wakes up. How do you feel?”

“MMMMM.” Brian lifted his head and looked into his Master’s eyes and smiled. “Much better now, Master.”

Justin looked up into the red and swollen eyes, reached up to run his knuckles across a perfectly formed cheek, and whispered, “We have to talk. We can’t go on like this.”

Brian turned his head and kissed the hand rubbing his cheek. He nodded his head and whispered, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Master. I can’t seem to get things right in my head.”

About that time, they heard the metal door rumble as it was pulled opened. Brian groaned and buried his face against Justin’s chest.

Michael walked into the loft wondering what could have happened to Brian. He’d tried calling him at the office, but Cynthia said he never showed up for work. He certainly hoped Brian wasn’t sick. They had plans to go to Babylon and Michael was looking forward to it. He wished Ben could be there, but he was away at a teacher’s conference. He headed straight for the bedroom and gasped at what he saw. “What the hell is he doing here, Brian?”

Justin placed another kiss on the top of Brian’s head and moved to sit up. He just didn’t have the energy right now to deal with Brian’s little friend. “Come on, cookie, get dressed, pack you some clothes, and let’s go back to my place where we can have some privacy.”

“Cookie? What the hell is that? His name is Brian and he doesn’t need some trick calling him by some lovey dovey name.” Michael glared at Justin with his arm crossed over his chest.

Justin sighed tiredly. “This has nothing to do with you, Mikey.” He turned and looked down at Brian. “I told you to get dressed and pack a bag, cookie. I’m really tired and I want to go home.”

“You do not order him around! He’s not your lap dog. Brian tell this loser to fuck off, you don’t need this kind of shit.” Michael glanced down at Brian expecting his instructions to be followed.

Justin felt that vice grip tightening in his chest again. Brian wasn’t ready. He swallowed hard and looked down at Brian with a look that bordered on pleading. “Well, cookie?”

Brian looked back and forth between Master and Michael. He saw the look in Justin’s eyes, but he couldn’t seem to move. His muscles wouldn’t cooperate with his mind. He wanted to get up and do as Master said, he really did, but he just stayed still. He swallowed hard and silently pleaded with Master to understand, but he knew that this would hurt the man.

Justin bowed his head in defeat. He picked up his shoes not even bothering to put them on his feet. He grabbed his jacket and glanced back at Brian. “I’m sorry, Brian, for a moment I thought I was talking to someone else. Take care of yourself. I’ll see myself out.”

Brian almost cried out as he watched Master walk out of his loft and probably out of his life forever. He looked at Mikey and croaked, “Get out.”

“I’m here to take care of you Brian. We have a date tonight remember?”

“Get. The. Fuck. Out. Now!” Brian slung his pillow at Michael violently. He jumped up out of the bed and stood over his friend with a menacing scowl on his face. “Go now, Mikey.”

Michael turned and headed toward the door. “See if I try to help you again, asshole.” He left slamming the big metal door.

Brian fell back into the bed and hugged up the pillow that had held Master’s head. He didn’t bother to try and stop the flow of tears this time. He knew he’d made a very fatal mistake. He wondered if it were possible for a person to live without a soul.