Chapter 6

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I'm relieved to find myself in dreamland, hoping for a short respite from the emotional upheaval that has become our lives. It proves to be short-lived, however, as Brian's words follow me into the darkness.

"Stay with me."

"Don't fucking leave me."

It takes a moment to realize I'm actually hearing them rather than just reliving them in my head.

Brian.

"Brian?"

"Justin!"

Did I just speak? Am I finally to be able to do something other than lie here? "Brian?" I say again to test the theory.

"Can you hear me, Justin?"

I could always hear you, I just wasn't allowed to answer. I remember how painful it was to listen to Gus' voice and not be able to answer.

Maybe that's it.

Maybe I'm allowed to talk now because Gus is no longer here. There won't be any more visits, no more whispered words of assurance.

I can feel the tears welling behind my closed lids until one seeps out from under my lashes.

"Oh, my God," Brian breathes as a finger gently catches the drop of moisture before it reaches my hairline. "Get the doctor, Mikey."

I hear hurried footsteps leaving the room and wonder at the need for haste. It's a dream. I'm not going anywhere, am I?

"Brian?"

"Open your eyes, Justin," he says gently.

"Can't." Lord knows I've tried often enough.

"Just try," he persists. "Try, OK?"

I can't resist the desperate tone of his words and I resume the struggle I'd abandoned days ago. Slowly, with what seems like a monumental effort, my eyes open to reveal a blurry room. "Brian," I gasp.

I can hear the smile in his voice. "It's good to see those blue eyes, Sunshine," he says.

I turn my head until I can see him, blinking my eyes slowly until he's in focus. I force a smile. "I can see you in my dreams."

He chuckles. "That was ten years ago, now. Don't you ever forget anything?"

My mind finally makes the connection and I'm about to explain myself when the doctor walks in followed by Michael.

"Well, Mr. Taylor," the doctor says brightly. "It's good to see you awake. I'm Dr. Swanson."

I look at the tall, sinewy man before me and scoff weakly. "No you're not. He looks different. You're the dream doctor."

"I guess he's feeling better if he's flirting with the doctor," Michael says on a chuckle.

"I assure you, Mr. Taylor, I'm quite real," the doctor says with a bemused smile. "Been having some interesting dreams, have you?"

I can feel my brow pulling into a frown. Are you allowed to admit it's a dream when you're still in the dream? I'll have to look into that.

He's shining that damned light in my eyes again and I try to pull away.

"Take it easy," he says soothingly. "I just need to check out a few things. I won't hurt you."

"They already did all that when I was awake," I inform him.

"I'm afraid, Mr. Taylor, that this is the first time you've been awake since you were brought in."

"Justin," I tell him. "My name is Justin." Dreams really shouldn't be so formal.

"Ok, Justin," he says with a small smile. "Can you tell me what you remember?"

"Everything," I say sadly, closing my eyes. I can remember it, I just don't want to think about it. This is supposed to be my reprieve, my escape.

"Can you be more specific? Do you remember what happened in the convenience store?"

"There was a shooting," I manage through a choked voice. God, please don't make me do this.

"Anything after that?"

"I woke up here in the hospital. My mom was here first." I open my eyes and frown slightly at Brian. "Where is she, anyway?"

"Your mom hasn't been here yet," he explains patiently. "She and Charles are in Europe, remember? I've talked to her every day, though, and they're on their way back as we speak."

I do remember Europe. And Charles. This trip was supposed to be a belated honeymoon for them. "But she was here."

"I'm afraid not, Sunshine," Brian says, brushing a hair gently from my forehead.

I look at the doctor. "I don't understand."

"You suffered a head wound, Mr… er… Justin. You were very agitated when you were brought in and we had to sedate you to keep you calm enough for the swelling in your brain to subside. Injuries such as yours, in and of themselves, can be enough to trigger hallucinogenic episodes. Combined with the medication, I'm quite certain you merely dreamed you saw your mother."

I try shaking my head only to discover the pain is back. "No, that can't be right. I did have dreams, but they were dark. I couldn't open my eyes or speak. This was real. I saw her and talked to her."

"Tell me about these dreams, Justin," the doctor prods gently.

"Gus was here," I practically whisper. "I know it sounds crazy, but he was here, talking to me. I wasn't allowed to answer because…" I leave the words unsaid as I turn to look at Brian. "I'm sorry," I gasp, tears spilling once again onto my cheeks. God, will I ever be able to stop blubbering like an idiot?

"It's OK," he says with a sad smile. "Go on, tell the doctor, Justin."

Looking back at Dr. Swanson, I try to swallow the grief lodged in my throat. "I couldn't talk to him because he was already gone. There are rules. They only let him visit for a little while."

The doctor frowns slightly. "What do you mean Gus was already gone?"

"He… he died," I whisper. "I know that, but I swear, in my dreams he talked to me, told me he was OK."

"Justin?"

Brian's voice is filled with worry and I turn to look at him. "I'm sorry, Brian, but he did, he talked to me."

Brian glanced up at the doctor with a look of concern.

"Justin, look at me."

I do as instructed and turn to look at the doctor once again.

"You're right, Justin, Gus did talk to you, but he's not dead. He's fine. You probably saved his life."

I can't resist a small smile. Seems my dream reality is intact after all. "Good," I whisper. "I'm glad I still have the dreams."

"Is this a dream, Justin?" the doctor asks.

I don't know whether I should answer or not. If I admit it, will I be forced to wake up? Will I be plunged back into the sorrow and misery I left behind when I went to sleep?

"Justin?"

His voice pulls me out of my reverie, but still, I don't answer. I can't take the chance.

"Let's forget Gus for the moment, shall we? What else did you dream?"

I try to remember. "There wasn't too much, just people talking. I could hear them but couldn't answer, couldn't see them."

"Who was in the dreams?"

"Brian, Michael, Emmett… and Gus."

"Justin, those people, among others, were all here at one point or another waiting for you to wake up," the doctor explains patiently.

"But…" He's trying to confuse me, I can't let him. "They were talking about Gus."

"Gus was in shock when he was brought in. We treated him and sent him home with his mothers the same night. He did come back to see you though. Although children aren't allowed in ICU, we made an exception because we felt it was important to his own recovery."

…they won't let me stay long…

… there are rules…

"Rules?" I repeat in confusion.

"Yes," the doctor says. "There are rules against children visiting in ICU."

"Brian?" I say, turning to him for some sort of explanation.

"Justin, Gus is fine, I promise," he says. "He's home with Lindsay and Mel."

"I can call them," Michael offers. "Ask them to bring Gus."

"I think that would be a good idea," the doctor agrees with a nod.

Michael beams a smile at me and hurries out of the room.

"It's real?" I ask Brian hesitantly. "He's OK? I heard the paramedics. They said they were losing him."

Brian seemed to struggle for a moment before answering. "It was you they were losing," he finally said, his voice rough. "Your heart stopped twice in the ambulance."