<~> Justin's POV <~>

I'm having the most wonderful dream. I'm in a room filled with silver and white balloons. There's laughing and music. The music is made up of beautiful brown and gold and green notes. The gentle music twirls me around then wraps tightly around me and I'm warm and loved and happy. Around the edges of the pretty, colorful music there are flashes and sparkles of bright happy light. The light smells like sandalwood and spices and whiskey and something else I can't name but that I know.

This is the most wonderful dream I've ever had. In fact, I don't think I've ever had a good dream before, which makes it even more special. Most of the time I don't sleep anymore so I don't dream at all. Which is a good thing, really, because whenever I do sleep I've always before had evil, hard dreams that slowly chip away at the little that's left of my soul.

This dream is too good though. I don't want to wake up and make it stop. I know that I'm not really still asleep anymore, if I ever was, because I can hear all the daytime noises starting. Behind my eyelids there's light, which is further evidence that it's day. But maybe if I refuse to open my eyes, I can keep on floating in the dream. I still see flashes of the beautiful music and feel the liquid notes that make up the colors dripping into my ears. I would never wake up if I could be sure of holding onto this dream forever.

"Rise and shine, Blondie," Lily's voice crashes through the remnants of my dream, popping the silver balloons and drowning out the colors.

I HATE Lily this morning.

"Well now, you must have had a good night, sweetheart, judging by that smile on your face this morning. I'm sorry to break it to you though, kid, it's morning. Time to get you dressed and fed and then see what other exciting craziness you can get into."

"Here we go," Lily lifts my legs and swings them around until they're hanging off the side of the bed. Then she grabs both my hands in both of hers and pulls me up into a sitting position. Usually I'd go along with it all, but not today. I don't want to get up. I want to go back to my dream. I refuse to open my eyes and I'm not going to help Lily with the morning stuff either. I may not have the strength to fight her anymore, but no way am I gonna make it easy either.

"My, my, you are in a mood today, Blondie," Lily chuckles. "Fine, sit there like a sack of potatoes and keep scrunching your eyes closed. I'll still get you dressed and make you come to breakfast. It's fine with me if you don't help. You know how much I love a challenge."

I'm really not much of a challenge for her though. Lily's had lots of practice. It only takes her a couple minutes to get me dressed, even though I still haven't opened my eyes and I'm not really helping her with my clothes. When I'm dressed, she sits me in the chair next to the bed and quickly moves over to help Eugene, the old guy who's got the bed in the corner.

"Okay, looks like we got them all, Luke," Lily yells across the room to the other attendant. "If you take care of that group over there, I'll get Gene, Blondie and our new guy. Come on guys," Lily says, grabbing my elbow to guide me to stand up. "First stop is the john and then we go get some grub. Open your eyes Blondie or you'll trip and fall on that pretty face of yours."

<~> Brian's POV <~>

Little Lily says, 'Come on, guys', and I'm pulled out of my latest Dr. Seuss-Style Mental Rhyme-a-thon. Did I mention I sometimes get easily distracted by words? Yeah, well welcome to random psychosis symptom #15: 'Clanging - a mode of speech characterized by association of words based upon sound rather than concepts, including compulsive rhyming or alliteration without apparent logical connection between words'. It's rather a fun little symptom, I think, and really helps to occupy the time when you've got nothing else to do.

So, I'm not really paying much attention to Lily and her efforts to get the rest of the lunatics assembled for breakfast. I'm busy trying to figure out a hundred different rhymes for 'fix'. I'd only managed about a dozen when Lily announces it's time to go. I obediently close my mental rhyming dictionary and stand up, turning towards my approaching guide.

That's when I see HIM!

I think all the breath in my body is literally knocked out of me at the mere sight of the person standing next to Lily. He is beautiful - exactly as I remember him. Golden blond hair, longer than when I saw him last but still just as thick and enticing. He is as pale as always. Maybe a little bit on the skinny side, but then again it's hard to tell under the shapeless clothing he's in. And his face - well, it's the face that still haunts all my dreams and my nightmares. Those high cheekbones, cute turned-up nose, one barely noticeable dimple on his left cheek and the full, luscious, bitable-looking cotton candy pink lips that seem just made for giving the best blowjobs ever seen by mankind.

Lily is leading this vision towards me by the hand. The young man has his eyes scrunched tightly closed so he's completely reliant on Little Lily's guidance. I hate that his eyes are closed - it looks like Him, so much so that I'm stunned - but I can't  be absolutely sure until I see his eyes.

"Are you okay there, Brian?" Lily notices my dumbfounded expression immediately.

If I had already started breathing again, I would answer her, 'No, I'm NOT fucking okay. I'm experiencing psychotic delusions!' But since I don't have any air in my lungs I can't say a word. I just stand there staring at the beautiful mirage, wishing with every ounce of my being that this is really happening and not just another one of my usual hallucinations.

You see, it isn't the first time I've thought I've seen Him - not by a fucking long shot. In fact, that's one of the reasons I ended up in a place like this to start with. Right after my OD, I kept thinking I saw Him everywhere I fucking went: walking down the street, watching me at night in the loft from the shadows, hiding down alleyways and just around corners. I saw Him in every bar and club I went into. Every time I turned around I thought I saw that familiar blond head, only it never turned out to be real. As soon as I would get a clear look at the blond's eyes, I'd realize it wasn't MY blond.

The second or third time I accidentally punched out some guy innocently kissing his boyfriend, who I wrongfully insisted was really MY boyfriend, I was arrested and eventually thrown into the county psych ward. Mikey came to see me that time. He said it was probably better if I just stayed there a while until I got better. That was . . . two or maybe three years ago, I think.

So, yeah I'm shocked to see Him here, but at the same time I'm not really all that surprised. I've had a lot of time to work through my prior mistakes, though, so I can now almost always manage to control my physical reaction. Instead of running over to Him, shoving Lily and anybody else standing in my way aside, wrapping Him in my arms and kissing him uncontrollably, I force myself to wait. I tell myself to hold on. To make certain this time. To wait until I see His eyes. I'm shaking so hard trying to resist the need to go to Him that I can barely stand.

"Brian?" Lily says my name for the second time, a little louder, as she gets nearer.

His eyes pop open and I see the perfect deep blue of an ocean wave shining up at me.

It's fucking HIM!

But it CAN'T be! This isn't possible. I'm stuck in a goddamned lunatic asylum. I can hear Lily still talking to me, telling me to follow her to the dining room. I can see the untidy hospital ward with all the beds. I can smell that unmistakable stench that almost all hospitals have that's made up of sickness and filth combined with sterile chemicals. I'm fucking insane - it's already been well established by several medical professionals. Chronic Drug-Induced Psychosis - by definition, I see shit that isn't there. There's no fucking way He is here in this hellhole with me. No way!

Wow! So, if it can't possibly be him, then I really do a fucking great hallucination, don't I? I mean, he's fucking perfect! Way to go, Kinney! Even mad, I've got a fantastic imagination! If you're going to hallucinate, you might as well make it good, right?

"Jus. . . Just in my mind. Just in my mind. Just in my mind. You're not Him. You're just in my mind," I mumble, reminding myself over and over so I won't act like a stupid idiot. "Just in an hallucination. Hallucination. Hallucination. Fascination. He's my hal, hal, hal. My pal the hal. My pal Hal. My Hal. My Hal. My Hal!"

The hallucination doesn't say anything to dissuade me from my determination - of course he doesn't, hallucinations don't talk, or do they? This one doesn't seem to. He just blinks at me, with no real identifiable expression on his perfect face. I'll have to work on that part of my Hal later - maybe I can imagine him a great big smile like I remember - but, I think that for now, this Hal is good enough.

"My Pal Hal!" I announce loudly, looping my arm through his and taking over from Lily. "Hal. Hal. Hal. It's time for breakfast my pal. Lovely Lily, please lead the way. My Hal and I need some sustenance." I'm laughing at the astonished look on Lily's friendly but confused face, but I can't seem to stop myself.

This is turning out to be such a fantastic day. I love my new Hal. This total dump of a place seems just wonderful to me now that I've manufactured the perfect companion for myself. Yes, I think I'm going to get along here just fine. As long as I have My Hal.

<~><~><~><~><~>

The rest of that first day at The Banks I spend in 'Orientation' with Lily of the Loonies and a couple other newbies they shipped over from Shady Glen last night. Of course, I adamantly refuse to let go of My Hal, so Lily lets me haul him along by the hand, trotting along with us for the entire tour and sitting through the lecture about the rules and such. My Hal doesn't object - in point of fact he doesn't say anything at all, which must be some sort of glitch, I think.

You would expect My Hal to be much more talkative, considering the original upon which he's based. But, whatever. This IS my very first completely manifested hallucination. I even managed a cross over between tactile, olfactory and visual phenomena. That's got to be considered pretty good for a first attempt. I'll just have to tweak it a bit over time and see if I can manage an auditory manifestation as well. But otherwise, My Hal seems almost ideal. Somehow he even sort of smells like Him. God, I'm good at this hallucination shit, aren't I?

Come dinnertime, Lily wants to take back My Hal in order to get him washed up and such before we eat. I'm having none of that, though. He's My Hal. My responsibility. Mine! Lily needs to keep her grubby little paws off him.

After a few tense moments, Lily wisely bows to the inevitable and the standoff in front of the men's room door is called off.

"Fine, Brian," Lily concedes. "Since it seems you've permanently adopted Blondie here, then I'll let you take over his care. He's your responsibility now. Do you understand what that means?" I'm nodding, thrilled that she finally gets it. "You need to make sure your pet stays clean, gets fed sufficiently and gets plenty of sleep. I'll let you be in charge for now, but you're still on probation. I'll keep an eye on you both for the next few weeks. If you do a good job taking care of Justin . . ."

"My Hal!" I interrupt her, since the name she mentioned is NOT allowed.

"Fine, 'Your Hal' . . . As I said, you better do a good job and be nice to him or you'll lose your Hal privileges. Do you hear me?"

I nod again eagerly with a fucking huge grin plastered on my face. Yes! I win. I win. I win, win, win. He's My Hal and nobody else gets to play with him unless I say. I start to head off to the john to get my twink washed up and ready for dinner.

"What the hell are you doing, Lily," I hear the other attendant saying as we're walking away. "The kid isn't a fucking pet you can foist off on the first nut job who comes along. Blondie needs a shitload of care. He's barely ambulatory most days."

"Calm yourself, Luke," I hear Lily laughing at him. "I've got a feeling about this. I think it'll be good for both of them. Blondie can use the extra attention and it'll keep Brian out of trouble. . ."

The rest of their conversation is cut off when the door of the bathroom closes behind My Hal and I. Fuck Mr. Luke. I don't care what he says. He's My Hal. Mine! Mine! Mine! This time he's Mine!

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<~> Justin's POV <~>

'Brian.'

I keep seeing Brian. And hearing Brian. It's really sort of freaky. Why would I be seeing Brian now? I haven't seen him since that night. He told me that I'd see him again. I thought it was a promise. I even warned him that he shouldn't wait too long, because at the rate I was going, it might soon be too late. I thought I was joking. It wasn't a very funny joke and I never saw Brian again.

I used to think about him a lot. I really did think that eventually I'd see him again. I knew my mother didn't want me near him. She always blamed him for Hobbs - even though that's so fucking not true. At first I thought that maybe she was responsible for keeping Brian away from me. Sometimes I'd overhear part of a phone conversation between her and Debbie, they'd say his name, but I never found out why he didn't try harder to see me.

Eventually I gave up wondering. I knew why he didn't want to see me again. I was broken. Flawed. He was perfect, so why would he ever want to be seen around a gimp like me? I was so naive to think I ever meant anything to a god like Brian Kinney. And that was back when I was still whole.

So much for all that hard work I put in to get out of rehab so fast. What was the point? I was never going to be good enough for Brian Kinney. I quickly gave up on the physical therapy. It seemed like a big waste of time. Everything seems like a waste of time these days.

Most of the time, I try not to even think about Brian. That's at the very top of the list of things I try not to think about. I try not to think about Brian, my father, my shambles of a life, how sad I've made my mother, the fact that I'll never draw again and that I'll never be good enough to be loved. I also try not to think about how pathetic I've become or that I've been exiled by my family to a 'long term care facility' since nobody was able to deal with my shitty mood swings, my violent episodes or my night terrors. To my credit, I've become really very good at NOT thinking about anything. I finally found that elusive 'off switch' in my brain. When I'm turned off I'm protected in this cottony haze. It's so much easier to just switch off most of the time. Nobody cares anyways, so why should I?

Which is why I find it so strange that all of the sudden it's not working. I'm doing my thing - I flip off the switch in my head and zone out just like always - but then when I do take a moment every so often to check back in on life, I keep seeing Brian's face. Why isn't it working correctly anymore? I really like my off switch. Normally it works for me. But lately I'm experiencing this annoying glitch.

If I actually cared enough, I might be able to figure out why it's not working right. But I don't even care about that. I guess I'll simply have to put up with it, like everything else that's broken about me.

So, when I see his face next to me at the table during meals, or seem to see him sitting next to me on the couch in the TV room or even when I feel him watching me in my room at night, I mostly just ignore the anomaly.

I DO have a tougher time blocking out his voice, though. I don't listen to the words, but I've always been a sucker for his soft drawling baritone voice. I find it's kind of comforting to have it going in the background now. I don't remember Brian Kinney being so talkative though. Maybe the voice track is on some kind of endless loop or something. Whatever. It doesn't bother me. I can easily overlook it.

There HAVE been a few incidents lately however that are a bit disconcerting. One time (or maybe more than one time, time is slippery these days, you know), when I became aware of what was going on around me, I thought I was in the men's shower room, standing naked in one of the tile shower surrounds with Brian. It totally threw me for a minute or two. It felt so familiar, like all the times we used to shower together, back before I was ruined. Brian was being so gentle and caring. He was washing my body and my hair so tenderly, without any sexual overtures at all. It didn't seem real. I quickly went back to off mode.

Then, there have been a couple of times where I thought I heard Brian crying. It would be totally out of character for the man. It couldn't have really been happening.

Finally, this morning, I'm having another of these experiences and it's just so out there that I don't know what to think or how to act, but I'm having a tough time discounting this particular encounter.

I think - unless none of my senses are working properly - I'm lying in bed with Brian. It feels like it's real. When I open my eyes, I can see light coming through the window of the hospital ward where I always sleep. I think I'm in my usual bed. But, instead of my cold pillow, my head is snugged up under Brian's chin, his chest is warm under my cheek and I can feel my body raising and lowering as he breathes. His left arm is wrapped around me, holding me tight against his side. I can even feel his warm silky skin where my left hand is lying palm down on his smooth chest. I can hear that adorable little wheeze he makes when he's asleep. I can feel his breath rustling my hair as he exhales. I can smell his musky, sweaty skin, and easily identify the scent of my former lover. This feels like more than a mere memory.

And I'm lying here trying to keep as still as possible, wondering if this warrants some type of reaction, when Brian's eyes flutter open and he's looking directly at me. He smiles. I feel his long body stretching out beside me and then his right arm comes across to join his other arm, hugging me carefully.

"Good morning, my beautiful Hal," his low voice rumbles quietly and I can feel his words echoing through his deep chest under my ear before they hit the morning air. "Call me crazy, but this has got to be the perfect way to wake up." He's laughing at the silly joke he made and it ripples through my skin too.

I can't help it. I let myself hug him back. It just seems like the right thing to do at this particular moment. It feels good, too. Maybe too good. So good it's dangerous. A good like this could easily erode all the numbness I've worked at so hard.

Maybe if I close my eyes, it will all go away again?

<~> Brian's POV <~>

What a fucking great way to wake up. I open my eyes and the very first thing I see are those big crystal blue eyes of My Hal. This is perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

I love feeling his warm little body wrapped around mine. He's so snugly. Don't tell anyone I just thought that - it's just in my head. Just in my head. Just in my head. Nobody else can hear it, right? Is anyone listening in?

I guess I wouldn't mind if My Hal heard it. Should I tell him now? He still won't talk to me though. Maybe I should wait and tell him later. Right now he's busy pretending to go back to sleep. He's fucking adorable. Just seeing him makes the day seem brighter.

"Brighter. Lighter. Fighter. Tighter. Tighter. Tighter. Yes, I should hold him tighter. Shhhhhh, Kinney. Stop. Stop. Stop your blathering. Let the boy sleep. Sleep. Sleep deep. Deep sleep."

There's just no sleep for the deep, though. I no sooner manage to stop my clanging words than I hear Lily and Luke opening up the ward doors, preparing to roust us off to breakfast. Good thing, too. I bet My Hal is hungry. He always used to be hungry. And he's definitely too skinny. I need to feed him up. Got to keep that bubble butt fed, Deb would say.

"Brian! What have I told you about staying in your own bed at night?" Shit. I forgot about that rule again. Lily caught me.

"Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry Charlie?" I don't want to get in trouble - maybe if I explain? "But I can't sleep way over there, Lily. My Hal needs me. He doesn't sleep well without me. He has bad dreams. He cries. Cries. Sighs. Cries. My Hal shouldn't cry."

"What AM I going to do with you, Brian?" Lily shakes her head at me but I'm heartened that she doesn't sound angry. "Fine. But if you get caught, you're on your own, brother. In the immortal words of the great Sgt. Schultz, 'I know nuffink!'"

"Yay! I get to stay. I get to stay. Stay. Stay. Stay all day!"

"Nope. Sorry to disappoint you, Brian, but nobody gets to stay in bed all day around here. Besides, it's almost time for breakfast. So get yourself and Your Hal out of bed. Oh, and it's shower day, so you better hurry if you want your food hot!"

"Yay! Hooray, hooray it's shower day!" I'm already halfway out of bed and trying to get my bed mate moving. "Let's go, My Hal. You HAVE been smelling a bit ripe, my pal. So, don't delay, it's shower day, today!"

Lily is laughing at my extemporaneous little ditty. "You should really write some of these down someday, Brian. You definitely have a way with words. You could be a rapper or write jingles for TV or something."

"Or, maybe, be a big shot Advertising Executive and make tons of money selling worthless shit to people?" I offer with a rather suggestive smirk.

Lily just laughs thinking I've made another witty little joke. If she only knew. That wasn't me, though. That was Brian Fucking Kinney. Me, I'm just Brian. Brian, Just, Brian!

I quickly and efficiently gather up the shower stuff we'll need and some clothing for both myself and My Hal.

"Blue shirt. Blue sweats. Blue shoes. My baby blue boy."

I'm just muttering, not even listening to myself as I get our things together. But My Hal seems much more alert today than usual. He watches me as I sort out his clothes. I see him wrinkle up his nose as I comment on his limited wardrobe.

"Blue," My Hal says, his voice dripping with contempt at the plebeian nature of that specific color. "Blue is the new white," he adds before once again falling silent.

I'm personally thrilled at this miraculous pronouncement! I can't believe I finally did it. I fucking ROCK at hallucinations! I just managed a full out auditory manifestation.

My Hal can speak!

"Yes, my little boy blue. It's very, very blue around here. We should really redecorate. What would you like? Maybe a bright happy yellow? Yellow. Yellow. Lemon yellow. Yellow is the happiest of all colors. How does that sound, My Hal?" I ask, hoping for a reply.

But it's too much, too soon. My Hal is once again silent. That's okay, I'm wearing him down. I just need to give it some time.

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