Joan Kinney sat in the little metal chair near the coffee shop in the food court of the mall. Today she had learned that everything she’d believed, or thought she had believed, was either false or flawed. All those years of believing in God and that a certain way of life was right or wrong, well, it was all just so messed up in her head. She didn’t know what to think anymore. Father Tom was a homosexual. He’d been so nice to her over the years. He was the perfect Christian, or so she’d believed. How many times had she wished her only son, Brian, could be more like Father Tom?

The thought of Brian brought back so many painful memories. How many times had she told her only son he was going to burn in hell? How many times had she thought of him as the spawn of Satan? Father Tom told her that Brian had known all along that he was gay, and yet, never once had Brian told her. Not even when she was telling him what a saint Father Tom was, or how she wished he’d be more like the good Father, never once did he ever utter a word in his own defense.

How many times over the years had she called Brian and told him to help his sister, or asked for money herself? He never said no. How many times had both she and Claire put him on the spot with something and he’d stepped in to fix things? She remembered the time he’d watched John for Claire. She’d just dropped her son off at Brian’s job and left. Then when young John had accused Brian of molesting him, what had she and Claire done? Did they ask Brian for his side of the story? No, they had immediately called the police and believed the very worst of Brian. She could still see him pacing around her daughter’s house. He’d looked like a caged animal that was about to be slaughtered. Did she offer any support or sympathy to her little boy?

Images of Jack’s abuse flashed through her mind. Had she ever once tried to stop him from hitting Brian? He’d been such a beautiful little boy. Why couldn’t she have just loved him? Well, the simple horrible truth of the matter was that she blamed her precious little boy for screwing up her life. Jack hadn’t wanted any more kids, but she just couldn’t get an abortion, so instead, she’d had Brian and threw him to the wolves on the day he was born. She’d rationalized her behavior over the years by thinking he was a willful child, or that he deserved what he got because he turned out to be gay. Yes, she’d found many excuses to relieve her own guilt over abandoning her beautiful little boy.

She recalled the day she’d found out Brian was gay. She’d been so shocked to see that young blonde boy walking out of Brian’s bedroom. Then to find out that everyone in the family knew but her, well why would he tell her anything about his life? Had she been any sort of a mother to her only son? No, she hadn’t. She’d done nothing but condemn him for living his life. Was it any wonder that her only son thought more of Debbie Novotny than he did his own mother?

She remembered how she’d found out that Brian had cancer. Debbie had told her while praying for Brian in church. What had she done with that information? Well, she’d used it as a weapon to once again tell him what a horrible person he was and that he was going to burn in hell. She still recalled the words Brian had said to her that day. When she’d told him that God had a plan, he’d answered, “To torment you. I mean no martyr was ever sainted without going through a shit load of pain and suffering. Well Saint Joan, say hello to your shit load.” Then when she’d tried to tell him to turn away from sin and to harden himself against Satan, he’d replied, “I want to be hard Mom. You have no idea how much I want to be hard. Please, Lord, make me hard so that I can fuck every hot guy I see. That’s why God gave me a second chance Mom. So that I could use the one good ball I have left.” Instead of offering support and comfort to her baby in his time of need, she’d once again screamed “Shame, shame on you.” So the last words her baby boy had said to her were “If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in hell it’s better than spending one good day in heaven with you!” That about summed up what her precious baby boy thought of his mother, and with good reason.

Ten years. She hadn’t seen or spoken to her only son for ten years. She’d never once called to thank him for paying the insurance and taxes on her house and car every single year. She never thought to say thank you for all the bank drafts that mysteriously appeared in her checking account. No, she’d chosen to believe that Father Tom had done all those things for her. She was brought out of her reverie when something bumped into the back of her chair. She turned around and gasped in shock. She was transported back in time instantly. She had to be delusional and having some sort of hallucination because she was looking into the face of her son as a teenager.

“Jesus, J.R. you almost made me kill this lady,” the young Brian said to the dark haired girl at his side. “I’m so sorry lady, did I hurt you?”

Joan swallowed hard and stared at the boy unable to make a sound.

“Lady, are you okay?” The boy squatted down so he was looking directly into her eyes. Yes, those were Brian’s eyes that beautiful blending of greens and browns. “Lady?” He turned his auburn head and looked up at the girl. “See what you did, brat?”

“It’s not my fault if you can’t watch where you are going, Gus,” the girl said.

Gus his name was Gus. Yes, it fit somehow. She raised a hand and gently cupped his handsome face. “I’m so sorry, son. If I could go back and do it all over again, I’d change so many things.”

Gus looked into the woman’s eyes with a mixture of confusion and sadness. “I think she’s a mental patient, J.R. Maybe we should get some help for her.”

Joan seemed to snap out of her daze and pulled her hand away from the boy’s cheek. “I’m sorry, young man. I don’t know what came over me. You just reminded me of a little boy I used to know a long time ago.”

About that time the little girl shouted, “Justin! We’re over here.”

Joan turned her head in the direction the little girl was looking and saw a very handsome blonde man walking toward her table. His expression, one of great happiness, seemed to change the closer he got to her table. No, it wasn’t possible. This couldn’t be the same child she’d seen in Brian’s loft that day. He moved with an air of grace and prestige; this was a man used to getting his way. “Mrs. Kinney, so nice to see you again.” Yes, he was cultured and well mannered. She barely recognized the undercurrent of contempt in his voice, but what did she expect?

“Justin, I think our last meeting was not what it should have been, but it is nice to see you.” She held her head up high and met his gaze. She was ashamed of her actions and sorry for all the pain she’d caused her son, but she wouldn’t grovel and beg for anything.

Gus looked up at the blonde man and said, “Hey Dad, do you know this lady?”

Joan snapped her head around and looked at the boy. He’d called Justin Dad. She looked back up at the blonde man with the question plainly showing in her eyes. He turned his head and looked at the boy. “Gus, this is your grandmother.”

“No way, Dad. I already have four grandmothers. One for each of my parents, and since my grandmothers from my Moms have all died, that just leaves your mother, Grandma Jen and Pop’s mother, Grandma Debbie.”

The little girl hit the boy on the arm. “Grandma Debbie isn’t his real mother, she’s my Daddy’s mother, you idiot.”

The boy’s eyes got really big and he whispered in a shocked voice, “Oh my God, you’re Saint Joan!”

“Gus!” Justin chastised the boy, “You will remember your manners, young man.”

The boy’s head dropped and he whispered, “I’m sorry, Dad.”

“Okay kids, we have to go meet Brian. It was nice seeing you, Mrs. Kinney.” Justin herded the kids out and started walking across the mall.

Joan quickly grabbed her belongings and followed behind them at a distance. She had a grandson that she never knew about. All those years lost. She watched as the boy, Gus was his name, pulled on the little girl’s hair and was told to behave by Justin, the man he called Dad. That was Brian’s son of that she had no doubts, but why was he calling Justin Dad? She saw Brian as soon as she turned the corner. He was still as handsome as ever. She watched as Gus yelled “Pop” and ran up to get a hug. She’d never seen Brian smile that way before. She watched as he hugged the boy and the little girl with practiced ease. It amazed her and she wondered where he’d learn to hug like that, it certainly hadn’t been from her or his father.

What happened next shocked her even more. He stood up, pulled the short blonde man forward, kissed his lips quickly, and put his arm around his shoulders. She heard the laughter from the kids. Brian seemed so happy. She heard his laughter ring out louder than anyone else’s at something the blonde had whispered into his ear.

Well, it seemed that her little boy had indeed done alright by himself. Being gay hadn’t caused him to be old and lonely like she herself was. He had a family that obviously adored him. If his clothing were any indication he was quite wealthy, and he seemed to be truly happy with his life.

She looked around the festively decorated mall with all the lights that seemed to scream Christmas with every blink. Well, ‘twas the season after all, and she planned to have a very Merry Christmas this year. She looked back at her baby with his family and smiled. Oh, he may think he got his looks and brains from his father, but he was sadly mistaken on that score. He was his mother’s son in every sense of the word. Claire, now she was like her father, but Brian, he was hers. She stood up a little straighter and smiled. She had a lot to make up for, but she’d win him over. This year at Christmas her baby and his family were going to be having Christmas dinner with her.

She had a lot of planning to do. She’d have to visit Brian at work because she wouldn’t disrupt his family life. She’d apologize, but she wouldn’t make any excuses for herself. She’d ask him for the chance to prove that she meant what she said, but she wouldn’t beg him. Even if he refused to give her a second chance, and she wouldn’t blame him a bit if he refused her, she’d still like the opportunity to tell him how proud she was of him, and that even though she’d never been a proper mother to him, he was every mother’s dream of the perfect son.