Joan walked into Kinnetik and looked around. The last time she’d been in this building had been the disastrous day she’d confronted Brian about his cancer. It was still beautifully decorated and had a festive theme. She walked back toward Brian’s office nodding her head to the occasional person as she passed. This was not going to turn into another shouting match between them, she’d make sure of that. If her baby needed to trash her for her behavior she’d let him.

She noticed Brian right away. He always seemed to just jump out at her whenever she saw him. He was bent over a desk with Justin at his side and they seemed to be discussing something important. She sat down on the bench watching and listening to them.

“No fucking way, Sunshine.” Brian shook his head. “I won’t be bullied by some pompous CEO.”

“Brian, be reasonable for once in your life. Just make the changes and be done with it.”

“I’d be happy to make the changes, but that would completely ruin the purpose of the ad. I can’t have our company’s name on something that is sub-standard.” Brian rubbed his hand over his face. “I tell you what, you redo the boards to incorporate what he wants without losing my vision, and I’ll call him in for another pitch. Is that enough of a compromise for you?”

Justin smiled at Brian leaned in and gave him a little kiss. “I love it when you compromise with me.”

Joan heard Brian’s laughter and watched as he swatted the blonde’s ass. “I prefer putting you in compromising positions.” It must be really nice having someone in your life that you can talk to like that. She’d never know what that was like, but she was glad her little boy had it.

She stood and faced him as he walked back toward his office. She noticed the way his face went from happy to somewhat dazed and then to anger. She followed him into his office and looked around. Yes, her little boy had done well for himself.

“Well, what is it that you want this time, mother? Did you think I'd lived long enough without you telling me I was going to burn in hell and you figured now would be a great time to remind me?”

“Of course not, Brian. You always were quick to jump to conclusions.

“Wonder who I learned that from, mother dearest?”

Joan ignored Brian’s sarcasm completely. “I’ve been attending this group and I’ve learned a few things. Things I should have learned a long time ago, but better late than never I always say.”

“I like the sound of never myself,” Brian calmly stated.

“So in this group, I learned that children sometimes blame themselves when they have horrible parents, and I never realized how I was making you feel all those years."

“Don’t worry yourself, Mom. I never thought enough of you to feel one way or the other.”

“I know that’s not true, Brian. You were always such a sensitive child, so bright, so open, and you wore your heart on your sleeve.” Joan looked her son in the eye almost daring him to deny what she’d just said.
“Don’t pretend to know me, because you don’t. I grew up. I learned you don’t get anywhere in life believing all that bullshit.”

Joan continued as if Brian hadn’t said a word. “I know I spent half my life either drunk or on the way to getting drunk, but I do know you, Brian. I've always known you; I just didn't want to see. I wanted you to be as miserable as I was and so I punished you for things that had nothing to do with you. It was easier to blame you than to see what was wrong with myself.”

Brian leaned across his desk and asked, “You thought it would be easier to blame and punish an innocent child than to deal with your own fucking life?!”

“Yes, Brian, I did think it was easier to blame you. I never said it was right to do it, just easier. I didn't want to see what I'd let my life become. So drinking every day and blaming a child for all my mistakes was much easier than admitting I was a complete failure.”

Brian shook his head in disbelief. “But you made it more apparent that you were a failure by the actions that you chose to take.”

“I didn't come here to explain my actions to you, Brian, because I know that no matter how many times I say that I was wrong or how many times I say that I'm sorry for what I did, well, it doesn't mean anything to you at this point in your life. I know all this.” Joan never broke eye contact with her son.

Brian took a deep breath and asked, “So why did you come here, Mom?”

“To tell you that even though I was a terrible mother to you, I think you have grown into a wonderful man. I know this won't mean anything to you, but I wanted you to know how proud I am of you and everything you've accomplished in your life. Finally, I want to thank you for everything you've done for me over the years, and to tell you that it's time you stopped. Don't think you have to take care of me anymore Brian. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.” Joan gave her son a small smile.

The door suddenly swung open, Justin walked into the office, looked at her, and said, "So nice to see you again, Mrs. Kinney.”

Joan looked at Justin and said, “It's nice to see you, Justin, although you don't have to pretend you are happy to see me. I know you probably hate me more than Brian does, and with good reason.”

Joan reached into her overly large purse and pulled out a scrapbook. She placed it on Brian’s desk. “I just wanted to give this to you. I thought maybe Gus would enjoy seeing it. There are pictures and newspaper clippings of things that have happened to you over the years.”

“My son doesn’t need a book or you to tell him about my life or my success. He has been with me every step of the way.” Brian’s voice was a bit angrier than before.

“I know you are a good father, Brian. If only I had been as good a mother, but I just thought Gus might like to see the pictures of you as a child and to see how great you were at playing soccer.”

“Gus already knows all these things.”

“Okay, I'm sorry for making false assumptions yet again. If you have no need for the scrapbook I'd like to have it back.” Joan gave Brian a small smile.

“I never said that I had no need for it. I just don’t appreciate the way you are insinuating yourself in my life.”

“I won't lie to you, Brian. I'd like a chance to get to know you better. I don't want to mess your life up, though. That's not what I had in mind at all.”

“So you just expect me to forgive and forget and welcome you back into my life with open arms?”

Joan gives a little chuckle and says, “Good lord no, Brian. I'm old, not senile. Of course, I don't expect you to want me in your life. I fully expect you to tell me to go burn in hell.”

“So then give me one good reason why I should even consider letting you into my life?”

“Because you are a better person than I am. Because you took care of your mother when she treated you like scum. Because you are probably one of the most caring people I've ever known, and maybe, just maybe, because even though I was a complete failure as a mother, you still love me just a little bit anyway.”

“So what is all this really about? Is Saint Joan seeking redemption from her poor abused faggot son?”

“Now, Brian, you should know better than that. I'm the one who told you that you were going to burn in hell just because you loved another man. How do you think I feel about mothers who treat their sons the way I treated you? There is no redemption for me.”

“Well, mother, at least that is something we can agree on.”

Joan stood and gave her only son a smile. “Thank you for your time, Brian. It was nice seeing you again Justin. I'll just show myself out.”

“Thanks for stopping by, Mrs. Kinney, and for the scrapbook. Have a nice day.” Justin held open the door.

Joan smiled at the blonde man because he was nothing if not polite. She was really happy Brian had someone like him in his life. She knew without a doubt that Justin would fight anyone or anything that tried to hurt her little boy.

It was a cold day and Joan pulled her coat closer to her body as she stepped outside the Kinnetik offices. Well, she’d taken the first step in trying to get to know her son again. It had gone just as she’d figured. She never expected this to be easy, but she was more than willing to work for what she wanted.

For the next week, she stayed in the shadows and followed Brian around trying to see what was going on in his life. She learned that Brian had been raising his son full-time for the past year because his mothers had finally split up for good. She’d also found out that Gus was quite the artist and was planning on attending PIFA.

While out on one of her treks, Joan picked up a box of Christmas cards and a new scrapbook. She really had to get to work on Christmas preparations. She purchased a few sketchpads, some charcoal pencils, and an artist’s kit the shop keep had assured her would make any artist proud to own. She hoped that Gus would like it. She’d wanted to get Brian and Justin something, but what did you buy for men who seemed to have everything? Sad, but she just didn’t know them well enough to buy a gift they would enjoy or could use, and a gift certificate from her would just be in bad taste.

Three days before Christmas she received a card from Brian, Justin, and Gus. It was an amazing card. The front of it was a painting of the three of them standing outside in front of a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. Everything was covered in pure white snow and the sky was black riddled with millions of blinking stars. It was signed JT&GMPTK. The message inside the card stated ‘Wishing you all the blessings of the season.’ The thing that really caught her eye was the signatures inside the card. At first, she’d thought that maybe Justin had just included her in the Christmas card list and sent the card himself, but those signatures made it perfectly clear that this had been a family project. She recognized Brian’s handwriting immediately. Obviously, they had each signed their own names on the card. She gave a little chuckle when she saw Gus’ signature. He’d signed it Gus M. P. Taylor-Kinney. She placed the card on her mantle and finished wrapping Gus’ gift. She’d have it delivered on Christmas Eve. She’d addressed it to him from Santa Claus, so hopefully he wouldn’t feel guilty about enjoying it.

Christmas morning dawned crisp and cold but clear and beautiful. She knew Brian and his family was spending the day with Debbie Novotny. It seemed there would be a huge gathering of all Brian’s friends. She wasn’t about to ruin Brian’s Christmas by crashing the party, but she did want to drive by the house, just so she could feel close to her little boy.

She smiled as she drove slowly past the Novotny home. It seemed that there were quite a few people in attendance and she was so happy that Brian had all those people in his life. She turned around and went back to her house to heat up her dinner.

After cleaning up her kitchen, she pulled out the scrapbook and placed it on the kitchen table. She gathered up some of the newspaper clippings she’d kept and the Christmas card. She placed each item carefully into the scrapbook. Only this time the scrapbook wasn’t all about Brian. She’d kept articles of Justin’s art shows and his charitable works. She’d also found a clipping about Gus winning the school spelling bee. Finally, she put the beautiful card on a page all by itself. She picked up the marker and wrote beneath the card…My beautiful boys.

Joan ran her fingertip across the painted picture of Brian’s face. “I’m so glad you are happy, Brian.” She took a deep breath and closed the scrapbook placing it on the shelf for safekeeping. Her phone rang and she picked it up saying, “Hello.”

“Merry Christmas, Mom,” Brian whispered into the phone.

“Merry Christmas, baby. I hope you had a great day.”

“I just wanted to thank you for Gus’ gift. It was very thoughtful.”

“I’m just glad he liked it, and I loved the Christmas card, Brian. Please tell Gus and Justin that I think they are just wonderful artists.”

“You should tell them that yourself Mom,” Brian stated.

“I don’t want to interfere in your life, Brian, and I promise I’m not going to make a nuisance of myself, so if you’d just let them know how much I appreciate all their hard work.”

“Listen, Mom, I’m not making any promises, but would you like to have dinner with us some time?” Joan really hated the scared undercurrents in Brian’s voice. He was so afraid she was going to hurt him or refuse to join him.

“I’d love to, as a matter of fact, would you consider letting me cook dinner for you one night? I know I was never the greatest cook, but I’ve been taking some classes. I can’t promise anything fancy, but I can cook a chicken dinner.”

“I’ll talk it over with Justin and Gus and get back to you on that. I’ll give you a call next week and we’ll set something up.”

“I’d really like that, Brian, and son, I know you won’t believe this, and I don’t blame you at all, but I do love you.”

“Well, I’ll be getting in touch. I hope you had a good Christmas, Mom.”

“You just made this the best Christmas of my life, Brian.”

“Bye, Mom.” She heard the click of the phone as he hung up and she hugged the phone tightly to her chest.

She hadn’t even noticed she was crying until she placed the phone back on its hook. She looked around at all the Christmas decorations she’d put up. Next year she’d get to have dinner with her little boy and his family. She’d just have to keep working and believing. She’d already gotten so much more than she ever deserved.