Email from Justin Taylor to Brian Kinney:

What am I doing here? How many times in the last year have I asked myself that question? Well, I don't really know because I lost count a long time ago. Now here I am again, sitting at my computer and staring at the screen, trying to think of some amusing anecdote or story to text you with so that you'll be able to tell yourself that everything is okay with the man you love. Well, goddamnit, that's not the truth! Listen carefully to my thoughts, Brian. Try to read between the lines this time, will you please?

Oh Hell no! You won't have to read between the lines. I'll be blunt and come right to the point!

I'm not perfectly happy! I don't feel excited about living here in New York City and being the newest toast of the town in the art world! I don't give a fuck about the success that has come to me during this last year! What the hell good is success if you don't have the love of your life to come home to after all those strangers are through patting you on the back and praising you to the heavens above?

Please tell me, Brian. Why did you really think it was in my best interest to move away from you just when we had both finally accepted that our love was the real thing? Even more importantly, why in the hell did I go along with your crazy notion? Why didn't I fight harder to make you understand that true happiness doesn't come without compromise and acceptance; that you can't always have it all, but that you should at least keep the most important things in your life? And you, Brian Kinney, are the most important thing in my life...not fame and fortune in my chosen field, but having my one true love close by every day of my life.

We've hurt each other so many times over the last six years. And each scar that we've left on one another's hearts was caused for a different reason. The first time you hurt me was not really your fault. It wasn't because you made false promises to me. You told me upfront that you weren't into 'relationships'. I'm the one who refused to accept what you said because I was young and naive. I had the faith of youth on my side. I was so certain that my love...and it was love for me from that very first night, despite what others may believe....but I just knew that my love would be more than enough to change your mind. When you rejected me that night, you sent me home in tears. Although, looking back on it, you had been as gentle as you possibly could be. I can't really fault you for that first tiny scar on my heart.

But I wouldn't give up, would I? Persistent little devil, wasn't I? That's because I believed in us. Someone had to, because we were fated to be a couple. I knew it, but you took some persuading. Somehow it worked for a while. It didn't hurt that my Dad was a total asshole and you couldn't tolerate that. The fact that I stood up to him opened the door to your heart just a crack and you let me slip inside for a while. Of course you didn't expect it to be permanent, but once I had a toehold on your heart, I wasn't going to let go that easily.

But then I screwed up big time by being an immature kid at just the right time to get your home burglarized. I thought for sure I had lost you for good that time, but again it really wasn't your fault for being so angry at me. However, one good thing did come out of the whole fiasco. Just between you and me, I had no intention of running off and staying away. I gambled on you wanting to see me protected and I was right. I know you said that you were coerced into coming for me in New York, but we both know that you never do anything against your will.

After that, things didn't go quite the way I had hoped for, which included the idea that you would beg me to move back in with you while declaring undying love for me, but at least we did become fast friends. Friends with benefits if memory serves me right, and you know it does. You may have had sex with plenty of other guys during this period but I'll bet I was the only one you made love to. Then you spoiled it all by inflicting the next scar on my heart. You got that offer for a big job in New York after winning the Ad Man of the Year award and didn't seem to hesitate at all about taking it. By then I had convinced myself it was only a matter of time before you asked me to be your partner someday and now that chance would vanish. The worst part was I was the only one crying over you leaving. I could tell you'd miss me, but certainly not the way I knew I'd miss you.

Of course your plans to leave didn't work out because fate wasn't ready to break us apart quite yet. And then everything changed again. Something seemed to happen to you after you turned thirty and it was as if you were looking at me with new eyes. It took a long time for me to remember it all, but I finally recalled the way you looked at me at my Prom and the way we danced together. If my world hadn't been turned upside down by that bastard, Hobbs, who knows how long it would have been before you gave in to your feelings for me and admitted that I was special to you in ways no one else had ever been?

I think that was the most special time of my life during that period that you worked so hard to bring me back to my old self. I could feel the love pouring off you like waves in the ocean, despite the fact that you still didn't have the balls to admit your feelings out loud. But then it all fell apart again. This time both of us inflicted wounds to the heart. You, by letting me go when my heart was screaming out to you to proclaim your love, so I wouldn't think of going away with Ethan. Me, by being too immature to recognize that you simply weren't ready for such a big step. That didn't mean you would never be ready, but by then I had lost faith. We both paid a big price for that. Far too much time was wasted while I grew up enough to see the mistake I had made. Thank heaven it wasn't too late for us, but of course I had to work damned hard to regain your trust.

Then, for a blessed year, we really were a couple. You didn't even try to deny it anymore. You called me 'partner' openly. I was content with that, thinking that someday you'd also use those three magic words. At least I now knew that your actions spoke louder than words. But then you had to spoil it all by hiding your cancer from me. That wounded me far deeper than you ever realized, Brian. It wasn't the lie so much as the lack of faith in me. You actually thought I'd leave you for something as trivial as the loss of a ball? I thought you knew me better than that. I was in love with you, imperfections and all. At least you didn't shut me out once I stood up to you.

And then came the magical moment when you asked me to move back in with you. All the scars had healed over completely by then and I thought that nothing would ever stand in our way again. Of course I was wrong. Life is never that easy, is it? I went off to Hollywood and became dazzled by the bright lights and exciting possibilities. I think I wounded you more than I was aware of by not wanting to hurry back to you. I missed you so much, but every day was an adventure and I lost sight of what was most important. The dash of cold water that I received when they canceled the 'Rage' movie was more than enough to wake me up.

The problem was that when I got back to you, something had changed once again. It wasn't just a change in our relationship, but more a change in you. Okay, the truth was that I had changed a bit too. I had enjoyed my taste of living on the wild side in Hollywood, but it made me long for stability even more than when I was younger. It didn't help that I could see how happy and content Ben and Michael were in their married lives. The more I watched them, the more I wanted something like that for myself. It was unfortunate timing for us, because you were headed in the exact opposite direction. You saw your freedom to live wild and free slipping away. Being challenged by a younger stud was more than you could handle. I began to feel that I was less important to you than your own ego.

I suppose, if I'm being honest with myself, I would have to admit that I actually did desert you this time. I made your worst fears come true. Naturally you lost control when the one thing you feared most about being in a relationship had come to pass. I had said you weren't good enough without using any words. I didn't mean it like that when I left you. I just didn't see us advancing any further and I wanted more for my life. I had convinced myself that I was making this move for both our benefits, but it was selfish of me. I should have stood by you while you worked out your fears of being second best. If I had believed in us more fervently, it would never have taken something as dramatic as a bomb to get you to admit that you loved me. It would have happened eventually.

At least it did finally happen! I thought we were golden once I understood that your proposal was from the heart. So what happened to tarnish it this time? Was it a lack of trust, or a lack of faith in each other? No! Was it someone else interfering in our affairs? No...well, maybe a little bit! It has taken me a while to work this out, but I think I know what it really was. In those last weeks together, we had both started to act out of character and it scared us. Instead of recognizing it as a natural progression in any relationship, we had let ourselves begin to believe that we would lose the person we first fell in love with once we married. Talk about a bunch of idiotic bullshit. There would be changes...naturally, but we would have adjusted to them. You are still Brian 'Fucking' Kinney and I am still Justin Taylor inside.

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of these...once every few weeks...visits either to New York or the Pitts. I'm tired of waking up in an empty bed every morning. I'm sick and tired of hearing your voice over the phone and not seeing your gorgeous face as you speak. You know what, Brian? Now they know my name in the artistic community so I see no reason not to move my studio and work back to Pittsburgh. Of course that is only if you still want to spend the rest of your life with me.

Fuck the idea of sending you a text with all these thoughts. I started typing this out on a Word Pad because I believed it would help me to gather my thoughts when I broached the subject of coming back home for good. Damnit! I don't need to gather my thoughts. You are always in my thoughts, even when I'm sleeping. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I want to come home. I'm sending this entire message to you in an email and I'll wait patiently for your reply. Maybe after reading it, you'll see what I see....that despite all the troubles we've faced, we were meant to be together. Any scars we've caused each other are completely healed now and it is time to move forward. So what do you say? Do I come back or should we end it once and for all, and end up with scars that will never heal? The ball's in your court, Brian. With all my love, Justin

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Email Response from Brian Kinney to Justin Taylor:

Come back! I love you! Brian

The End