CHAPTER 15: WORDS VERSUS ACTIONS

Two weeks later…

Mel was in her office when she received a surprise visitor. Emmett stood in her doorway, watching the feisty attorney at work.  

“No Harrison, I’m not in the mood to deal. Craig Taylor deserves everything that he’s getting! I understand that Taylor Electronics was his livelihood, but he should have thought of that before he decided to put it in his son’s name. Well, tell me this… is he able-bodied and of sound mind? Well, then there you go. There’s plenty he’s able to do. I hear the Big Q is hiring. Tell him to seek employment there!”

Emmett stifled a chuckle as she hung up the phone. “I take the resident ‘Boys Club’ attorney felt he had to try to play on your soft-hearted, feminine sensibilities?”

“Yeah, and he just learned a valuable lesson. I don’t have any.”

“I wouldn’t say that. Only that they are aimed in a direction which is opposite of what the powers-that-be want.”

“Same goes for the powers that ain’t, although they love to believe in the opposite. But I know that you’re not here to talk about them, so what’s up, Em? How’s Justin today?”

“Definitely can’t put anything over on you, Mel. It’s not so much about how he is today, per se, but… Look, I know I’m not Big Bad and all, but I want- no I need- some assurances that he will be alright. These past few weeks, beginning with him doing what we all thought would never be possible again…”

“I know. I was so fucking proud of him for taking that step. And although I’ll never admit to him, I was proud of Brian. Getting Justin to leave the loft, even if just for a few minutes…”

“Did I hear right? Justin left the loft?” Mel and Emmett gasped as Lindsay invited herself into the office and into their conversation. “So, he’s once more joining the land of the living?”

“Lindsay…” Emmett began only to be cut off by Melanie.

“Lindsay, if this is some new bullshit that you are thinking up, I would suggests that you can it right now! Besides, once again, you are out and about without Gus. So where is he today, and why aren’t you with him?”

Lindsay frowned at Melanie’s question and the deliberate disregard of her own. It was fucking ridiculous that they all have been keeping her out of the loop where Justin’s condition was concerned. “I only asked because I was on my way to meet Adrienne Bennett. Her show is next week and I thought that I might ask you along to see her, Mel. But now that I hear Justin is out and about again, it might encourage him to see her, too.”

“I’m so sure that he was to the forefront of your mind in asking,” Emmett said, his voice laced with unhidden sarcasm. He didn’t believe her sudden altruism any more than he would believe Michael’s, only the latter would be more honest. Based on past experiences regarding her treatment of Justin, Emmett would never trust Lindsay or her motives again.

She waved her hand. “Oh Emmett, I really do care about Justin, contrary to what you think. Admittedly, I was wrong before to follow Michael’s lead…”

“Hm-mm…”

“...but I’m trying to make up for that. I know that he has to have suffered the most horrible blow to his ego and his dreams by having his hand affected. My friend Adrienne was in a similar situation not too long ago. She’s a quadriplegic but she still managed to pick herself up and paint again. I just thought that Justin would benefit from speaking with her, that’s all.”

“And just how long have you had that thought?” Mel asked her. Mel, too was skeptical of Lindsay.

“Well, just now, really. But honestly, if you had shared with me that Justin was leaving the loft daily, I would have suggested it long ago.”

Emmett narrowed his eyes. “And just how do you know that Justin has been leaving the loft daily, Lindsay? Neither Mel nor I have mentioned that fact.”

“I… well I would assume that he would have been, since he’s scheduled to appear in court tomorrow.” She refused to acknowledge that since the night Mel came home with Gus in tow, she’d been suspicious and thought that she was secretly taking her son to visit Brian and Justin and had been watching the building ever since.

When she first saw the two men leaving to walk around under the cover of darkness, she was tempted to make another appearance inside the loft. Instead, she’d gone to Brian’s office, intent on confronting him about his and Justin’s nocturnal activities. But when she entered the building and demanded to speak with Brian, she was denied access and advised to call to make an appointment with his secretary. She had not realized that the company had changed from Ryder to Vanguard and that the rules with which she’d operated all the time, were now defunct. She wondered if Michael knew.

“And just how do you know that, Lindsay? I’ve made it a point to keep you away from anything involving the case, especially after you and Michael pulled the shit at the loft where you harassed and bullied Justin to the point where Michael got smacked down. Let’s not even mention the call to good old daddy that didn’t yield the results you were hoping for,” Mel sneered.

“Wha- how… How do you know about that?! Have you been spying on me?!”

“No need for that since your father was kind enough to tell Jennifer that he wasn’t going to help you sabotage her son. Well, it was more like she threatened him and Nancy and they agreed that they wouldn’t help you fuck over Justin. It’s amazing what happens when a more powerful WASP gets an itch in her stinger and decides to jab it into a couple of wannabes, isn’t it?”

“But Mel, I promise this offer to take Justin to see Adrienne is genuine. I’ve thought about it and I don’t know what I would be like if someone took away my ability to at least see art, let alone paint it…” Emmett’s guffaw was covered immediately by a fake cough, which had Lindsay rolling her eyes before continuing. “I know that I haven’t been the most supportive lately…”

“Understated much, Lindz?” Emmett said. “You’ve been a fucking shrew! A wrong, selfish, self-absorbed shrew! Let’s just call your affliction what it really was and I believe it still is… JEALOUSY! But what are you really jealous of, Lindz? That Justin had enormous talent before this and will again? Or that Brian is taking care of Justin in the way a partner does and not just that of a guilt-ridden friend? You know what? You need to do some serious soul-searching to answer that question, but based on tomorrow if Justin agrees to go and see this friend of yours, rest assured that you won’t be left alone with him. You’ve already proven you can’t be trusted. Mel, we’ll speak later. Call me, Honey,” Emmett said as he picked up his jacket and exited the office.

“What the hell is his problem?!” Lindsay demanded with trembling lips as the tall queen sashayed away. Her eyes filled with tears, that were being so obviously ignored by her partner.

“That you even have to ask that proves everything Emmett has just said. Lindsay, give Adrienne my regards, if that’s where you’re going. I have work to do,” Mel said as she pulled the file for Jennifer Taylor from the inbox on top of her desk.

Noting that she was dismissed in favor of Mel’s work, yet again, Lindsay departed the office. Nothing was going as she planned it. Mel was supposed to think her idea ingenious and call Brian immediately to allow her to present it to him. She hadn’t been able to reach him by phone for weeks, but Mel had been speaking to him or seeing him daily. It was not a situation that she could tolerate much longer. The reintroduction of Justin into the art world, showing him that if he still wanted to be an artist he could, was supposed to be her good deed. But that bitchy queen and her butchy partner were taking it out of her hands! She needed to rethink her plan, and quickly. I guess the best thing to do will be to wait and see how tomorrow goes before formulating another plan. Fuck! I hate waiting, but in this case it’s a necessary evil.

As she passed through the lobby, Lindsay noticed a woman regarding her who looked very familiar to her. The woman was staring at her in a mixture of amusement and disgust. She was tempted to run over and ask her what her problem was but decided that it wasn’t in her best interests to piss Mel off further within the office. So pasting a smile on her face and flipping her hair, Lindsay exited the office business to the sound of chuckling behind her.

Shavonne watched Mel’s partner exit the building, shaking her head. She would never understand how her ex-girlfriend had ever found that uppity, hard-faced bitch attractive. Some things just defy all reason! Shrugging dismissively, she headed through the double doors to invite Mel to a late lunch so that they could nail down a list of questions to rattle a few cages tomorrow. Craig Taylor and Chris Hobbs were not going to find the questions easy to avoid or dismiss, if she had anything to say about it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Emmett stormed into the Diner moments after leaving Mel’s office. He was about three seconds away from decking Lindsay. It was really the only time he wished he was a woman so he wouldn’t be seen as such a gentleman.

“My Aunt Lula would flay me alive if she knew I was thinking like that,” he muttered as he took his seat at the back booth.

“Kinky, Em,” Ted said as he watched his best friend sit down. “What crawled in your thong?”

“Fucking Lindsay! Ugh! She just gets under my skin!”

“I know, Em. How is Justin doing?”

“Oh, Teddy. I haven’t seen him yet today but I’m really worried…”

“About tomorrow, I know. It’s not that we don’t believe in him, it’s just so much is riding on his ability to…”

“What’s going on with Sunshine tomorrow?” Deb asked, bringing coffee for the two men.

“He has to appear at the Civil Depositions. He’s going to be in the same building as the assholes that caused all this,” Ted said. “We’re just hoping that Justin holds up under the pressure.”

“Well of course he will! Sunshine never runs from a fight!” Deb asserts.

There was a chorus of ‘yes’ and ‘yeahs’ in the background. Everyone who knew Justin was cheering for him to pull through, except a certain few. But then everyone knew that the naysayers were those who were still being rejected by Brian Kinney, and felt that with the twink out of the way, they stood a chance. Ironically, leading the charge of ‘Dump Justin’ was none other than Michael Novotny, a former and current unfuckable amongst the Avenue, and now not even a friendable.

“He’s making progress, Deb,” Em said, sipping his coffee and smiling. “But I have a feeling it’s Big Bad that’s pushing him. Not in words, but in actions. The one thing people never got was how Justin was able to keep Brian enthralled, not the other way around. Although that’s true, too...”

“It was that bubble ass of his. Being young and virtually untouched sure did have its advantages for Boy Wonder, didn’t it?” a new snickering voice entered the conversation… one that was particularly unwelcome.

“Deb, I have to go before I actually use my fists in a completely nonsexual way. Whereas it would bring me immense satisfaction, I doubt it would be the same for the walking asshole currently speaking,” Emmett said through gritted teeth.

“Aww, come on, Emmett. I was only playing around,” Michael whined.

“No, you weren’t! Here’s a fucking tip: if you tell a joke and you’re the only moron laughing, guess what?! IT AIN’T FUNNY! Oh my God, I’ve gotta get the hell out of here before I end up in handcuffs and not in a positive life-affirming way! Teddy, I...”

“Hold on a second, Em. I really need to ask idiot-man something… Michael, were you just playing around when you said that bullshit in Portland, or to Howard Bedwetter? Or was it when you and Lindsay decided to bully Justin into doing your bitchy bidding? Or…”

“Oh come on, Ted. Let it go already! He was fine!” Michael yelled, deliberately negating Ted’s accusations about his interviews, which ultimately resulted in his return to Pittsburgh and the current estrangement from his guys. They would put it behind them eventually and get back to normal; they had to! But it would only be after they stopped concentrating on Justin!

“Oh yeah? How’s the side of your head? Getting punched in it still didn’t give you any fucking sense, huh? You know what... don’t answer that. Maybe someday I’ll be able to forgive you, Michael, but don’t count on it happening anytime soon. Deb, Em and I will speak with you later, when it’s not so crowded around you.”

“Come on, guys! You can’t be serious!” Michael screeched.

“Fuck off, Michael!” Emmett and Ted shouted back before exiting the eatery.

“Could you believe those two, M-... OW! What the fuck was that for?!”

“For not thinking before you speak; for not knowing when to shut up or apologize; for…”

“I get the fucking point!”

“Do you? Do you really? Because I really don’t think you do, Michael!”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I’ve lost my best friends because of this bullshit!”

“No, you’ve lost your friends because of your inability to not talk shit about things you don’t know, and because you’re a selfish little asshole!” Vic said, having heard enough of Michael’s litany. Deb, nor his nephew, had seen him enter on the heels of Ted and Emmett’s departure. He had intended for it to remain that way, but with Deb finally and publicly correcting her offspring’s odious behavior, he couldn’t not chime in on behalf of all of Liberty Avenue. “Michael, it’s time that you grew up and accepted the consequences of your actions. The guys may or may not want to speak to you again, but you will give them that time to decide for themselves. What you did was more than make a few ill-placed comments; you destroyed their trusts. And you need to learn to live with it!”

Deb wanted nothing more than to coddle Michael, based on the crestfallen look on his face, but she knew if she did, Michael would take advantage of it. As much as it hurt her to admit, Vic was right. If Michael was ever going to learn and grow from this experience, it had to begin now. She would just have to continue to live her life and watch him suffer silently. Lord knows Justin had, even though she and the others were well aware of Michael’s constant pettiness towards the young blond. She sighed. Looks like I’ll be doing some fucking growing of my own… and it’s going to be a real PAIN to do so!   

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian walked into the loft to find it empty. He looked around the shambled place and closed his eyes, knowing exactly what happened and what had triggered Justin’s latest episode. Having the camera installed inside the common area of the loft had been a genius idea, not only because of the former intrusion of Michael and Lindsay- he could never be sure when they would show up again, even if they no longer had keys- but because he could look in on Justin whenever he was back at his desk.

After Miguel and Nicole had left, Justin had gone to take a nap. The therapy sessions had been going well. Justin was still frustrated with his hand at times, but was still making progress. Today had been no different. First, Miguel had Justin work on the pottery wheel while having his session with Nicole. Brian watched the tension enter Justin’s body whenever Nicole would ask something that Justin didn’t want to talk about but needed to anyway. It was at those moments when Justin’s hand would spasm and he’d mess up the new creation he’d been working so diligently on. It was hard for Brian to watch and not be able to do anything to protect Justin from his feelings. He understood a little of what Justin was feeling since both of them were overachievers by nature, but Brian had to acknowledge that if Justin was going to heal, this was a necessary evil.

Then, Miguel had moved into the phase where Justin would hold his fingers in the tripod formation, trying it with a pencil every fifteen minutes. Justin was making vast improvements in that area, while Nicole worked on sequencing exercises using mnemonics with him. For the most part, having both therapies at the same time was helping, since it was restoring Justin’s confidence in his ability to multitask again. There were days in the past few weeks when the sense of accomplishment was strong with Justin, but then there were days like today.

Brian hurriedly changed clothes and made his way where he knew Justin would likely be. Their rooftop oasis was definitely one of the best ideas Brian had ever had. More days than not, he found Justin up there, listening to music and daydreaming. One thing was for certain, Justin wasn’t giving up. He often just needed time to regroup and rethink a strategy; to redefine his definition of success. This was the place for him to do that, as it was for Brian.

Alighting on the landing, he spotted Justin on the chaise lounge, a blanket draped carelessly over his affected hand. He looked small in comparison to the oversized piece of furniture. Brian knew exactly what was bothering him, but decided to make Justin speak of it anyway. Crossing over to where the young blond was seated, staring out into the vastness of the river, Brian cleared his throat. “So Sunshine, want to tell me what’s turned you so stormy today?”

At first, Brian didn’t think he was going to receive an answer, as he sat down in the chaise beside him. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for Justin to take his time about answering Brian, clearly using the sequencing exercises Nicole taught him. But Brian could see that it wasn’t the case this time. Justin was debating with himself about whether to answer. Brian noted the sudden rigidity of the young man’s formerly relaxed posture, the sudden gripping of the blanket covering his right hand. Reaching out, Brian untangled the cloth, entwining their fingers instead. Finally after untold minutes, he could tell the second Justin came to a decision.

“To be honest, it’s about tomorrow.”

Brian nodded his head. “You’re nervous, that’s to be expected.”

“Not only nervous,” Justin said softly.

“Angry?”

“Beyond that. I couldn’t stop the fear nor the rage, Brian, when I woke up from yet another nightmare. I felt so out of control. I needed to destroy…” Justin’s words trailed off as tears formed in his eyes. “God, I hate this! I hate…”

“What? What is it that you hate, Justin?” Brian asked the question, even as he feared the answer.

“Me. I hate how I am now really the scared little faggot my d...Craig, called me. I hate that I have been reduced to a shell of who or whatever-the-fuck I was before this all happened. I don’t… I don’t like me anymore. Why couldn’t he just have killed me? Why didn’t you let him? It would have been better than living in this… this PRISON of a body; better than this PRISON of my mind that can’t remember why I was bashed in the first place! This…”

Brian held him as Justin beat against his chest, before going limp with tears. Brian couldn’t begin to understand the anguish of not knowing who he is, but he could understand wholeheartedly the feeling of being trapped. Brian had felt the feelings of powerlessness every single time Jack Kinney had raised his hand to him; every single time Joan raised her hand and preached to Brian that he wasn’t worth the air he breathed; every single time ‘the family’ denigrated him for some supposed slight or another, and every single time he couldn’t help the man he held right now. He understood, better than anyone else, the trappings of a life half-lived, a life where the real you becomes lost in a world not of your own making- one where everyone else’s thoughts, idealistic dreams and opinions consistently drown out your own.

“Listen to me, Justin. Are you listening?” At Justin’s nod of affirmation, Brian spoke again. “You are worth so much more than all the Craigs and Hobbs of this world. Do you know why? It’s because of your strength of will and character. It’s because you don’t give up the things you want or rest on your laurels before reaching your goals. You are always striving to be better, to do better, to outdo even your own expectations. And you’ll get there, Justin, I swear you will!

"Now, I want you to relax. I know that I can’t go in there with you tomorrow, but I’ll still be there with you. You will be safe there. Mel will be there and so will Emmett and Daphne. Ted has even taken off from work to be with you. You will not be alone. They can’t touch you. They can’t harm you. But Justin, you have to fight them with the only weapons left to you right now. That’s your drive for justice on your own behalf and your willingness to do whatever it takes to succeed. Don’t give them the power to make you powerless. Don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you broken, because guess what? You’re not! You’re being reformed and remade, that’s all! You’re stronger and wiser and so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’re going to be a self-made man. They can’t say the same, now can they?”

He watched the effects of his words carefully as they entered Justin’s psyche. Yes, there was so much more to Justin Taylor than even he knew. He’d seen the glimpse of the young man he’d first met, the one who wouldn’t give up on his quest to make Brian Kinney care about him; the one who was determined that the older, more experienced brunet would remember his name whereas he’d never do that for any other trick. Justin reached up and gripped the back of Brian’s head with his left hand, bringing their lips together in a kiss. And as Brian opened his mouth to Justin’s sensual assault, he was very glad that he was able to restore Justin in this small way.

Justin broke the kiss as suddenly as it began. Staring into Brian’s eyes, Justin uttered the words Brian had longed to hear. “I want you inside me.”

Brian looked into Justin’s eyes, shock and a touch of disbelief in the hazel orbs. “Say that again.”

“You heard me right, Brian. I want you inside me. Please?” Justin said that last breathlessly, his hope that Brian wouldn’t turn him away evident with the slight exhale of breath Brian felt ripple through him.

“You’re sure?”

Justin nodded. “Yeah. I need this. I need you.”

Brian kissed Justin again, their lips meeting tentatively at first and then with more passion. “You wanna…”

“Here. Right here, Brian. Don’t give me a chance to think. I trust you.”

It was Brian’s turn to nod as he rose up from the lounge, bringing Justin with him. Still looking at the young man, he bent down, finding a button on the side of the furniture. Pressing it firmly, he watched Justin’s eyes open a little wider when the head of the lounge descended to form a full-sized bed. He noted the smile of wonder on the younger man’s face.

“How come you never showed me that before?”

“Given our height difference, and the fact that whenever you topped me face to face it was always in bed, there was never a reason to. But now just seemed like the right time.” Brian hooked his arm around Justin’s hips, looking into his eyes once more. He saw a bit of trepidation, but also hope. He just needed to be sure. “We don’t have to do this, Sunshine. Not if you aren’t ready to be mine in that way again.”

Justin licked his lips, trying to find the words to make Brian understand just what he wanted. After a slight hesitation, Justin decided to express himself in a way that would show Brian what he couldn’t find the words to say. Stepping out of Brian’s light embrace, Justin divested himself of the light tee shirt and sweatpants he was wearing. He was gratified to hear Brian’s breath catch at the sight of his nudity. It had been so long since he’d stood in front of Brian unabashed.

Sure, when Brian helped him in the shower, he was naked, but there wasn’t any prolonged time beyond that. Now, as he stood there, Justin realized how much he missed Brian’s unguarded reaction whenever he stood naked before him. Justin smiled and climbed onto the bed after Brian added more pillows, and shifted the glass partitions closed to keep the noise from outside out. That small act gave Justin a feeling of being cocooned, but in a good way. The stars were just beginning to show up above as the sky turned from dusk to darkness right before for his eyes.

Switching on a replica of the blue lights within the loft, Brian gave Justin a much needed sense of familiarity while embarking upon this new phase, and reestablishing themselves as lovers. Making himself more comfortable and willing his body to calm down its nervousness, he watched in satisfaction and anticipation as Brian shed his own clothes. Justin had always loved Brian’s body. From his auburn hair, to his slightly imperfect facial features, to the trim body with his athletic build and his sexy-as-all-hell feet, everything on Brian was just absolutely appealing to him. But it was more than that… the way Brian spoke frankly to him, the way he held him, the way he never doubted Justin’s abilities, the way he believed in Justin… it all made Justin want to explore all of his ‘new’ firsts with the most enigmatic man of his acquaintance.

It was true that Justin couldn’t remember all of who he was before the incident, but with the way Brian spoke about him, that Justin was someone he wanted to get to know again; this was the first step.

Brian situated himself next to Justin on the bed. At first, he just looked at him, taking in the beauty that he remembered from that first night with the unblemished skin with fine downy-soft hair gracing the deceptively long and muscular limbs, the clear blue eyes under the mop of shining blond hair. But it was the intelligence that Brian could sense beneath the surface that had kept him enthralled; the sense of adventure and boldness which radiated off of the younger man in waves that had kept his interests. Sure, Justin was nervous, but the young man he knew never let on just how much. It was also the gift of his blind trust which Justin had given Brian that long-ago first night. Justin trusted Brian with everything he had within him. He would not destroy that now.

With that thought in mind, Brian lowered his head and kissed the upturned lips, weighing their fullness and tasting the sweet breath beneath the hint of a recently-smoked menthol cigarette. It was funny that it was the one habit from Justin-of-old that the younger man couldn’t seem to give up. He’d never forget the day when Justin had asked him for one, citing that he didn’t know why but he needed it more than his next breath of air. Brian had obliged and was struck by the pleasure on Justin’s face. Yes, it was a bad habit, especially in one so young, but during these trying few weeks since Justin alighted from the hospital, a very necessary one.   

Brian began to kiss his way down Justin’s body, relearning what made the young man beneath him gasp and wiggle to get closer. One of the things he’d always appreciated about Justin was how responsive he was. He never had to guess what pleased him; it was never a game of push and pull, the way it was with the tricks. He was always so honest, so open in his emotions that it was a refreshing change for the jaded man. And he secretly hoped that it would never change.

Slowly going along, so as to not scare Justin, Brian shifted his weight, gently pushing Justin onto his side. He knew Justin still had problems with people, even him, being behind him. As Brian proceeded to plant soft kisses on the unblemished skin of Justin’s back, he crooned softly to him.

“Relax, Justin. It’s just us here and you know me. I’m not going to hurt you. Let me worship you.” He was gratified as his words yielded the desired results. The only sound in their sanctuary were the soft sounds of affirmation Justin began to make, letting Brian know of his enjoyment and trust.

Brian continued to take his time even as he felt the shift of need within Justin was making itself known. He didn’t want to rush. What Justin was offering him was so much more than just the reclaiming of his body. He was giving Brian the most precious part of himself; the same undefinable something that had Brian unable to stay away. That thought almost brought tears to Brian’s eyes as he continued in his quest to make Justin feel whole again. Unfurling his tongue, Brian made the first tentative touch to the quivering hole winking at him. He smiled as he felt the tremor race through Justin’s body. It had been so long since Justin would let him please him in this way that Brian craved the taste. It took all of his self-control and finesse not to dive right in and make a meal of the man in front of him. For untold minutes, Brian feasted, his sense relearning and remembering everything that would have Justin begging for release.

“Brian, please…” Justin panted out, more than a whisper, but not quite the way he used to command Brian to fuck him. He missed his bossy bottom in more ways than he cared to admit.

“A little more, Jus. I want you to need it, not just want it. I want to be the only thought in your head, not why we are finally here at this time, in this place. I want the Justin who craved my dick; the Justin, who begged to be fucked; I want the man, who always wanted me beyond reason back. Can you give that to me, Justin? This is about so much more than resurrecting your body from its long recess, it’s about restoring your mind, about remembering how resilient you are.”

Instead of waiting for Justin to answer, Brian crawled up the back of Justin’s body and buried his hand into the soft blond hair, forcing Justin to look at him. What he saw there was a mixture of understanding, a frisson of fear, and lust. He knew the fear was not necessarily directed towards him. If it was, Justin would have stopped him long since, like that long ago night before the afternoon Brian had given himself to the blond. No, the fear was directed towards Justin himself.

“What if… What…” Justin said even as Brian smiled reassuringly.

“Don’t worry about your performance, Justin. You’ve never disappointed in that arena.” Brian leaned down again to join their lips together, delighting in the easiness that had come over Justin with his words. It was a bit freeing to realize that just as Justin held power over him, he held Justin by the same invisible thrall collar.

Brian reached beneath the bed to the draw and pulled it open, never releasing Justin’s lips. Deftly pulling out the supplies, Brian opened the top on the small bottle of lube. Coating his fingers lightly, he began to apply them to Justin’s hole, stopping at the initial tensing of Justin’s spine. Brian urged him again to relax and to remember who he was with. Those words caused a small smile to appear on Justin’s lips, before resuming their place moving under Brian’s.

At the first breach of a solitary finger, Justin released a gasp and then sigh of relief. Encouraged, Brian began to move and rotate the lone digit into the depths of Justin. After a slow, but steady rhythm had been established, Brian added a second and then third finger. Brian took care to press the bundle of nerves within the young man that was sure to bring him a paroxysms of pleasure. Before long, the litany Brian longed to hear fell from his lover’s lips.

“Please, Brian. I’m… I’m ready, please… I can’t… Please, Brian…”

Brian smiled against the side of Justin’s face. Removing his questing fingers, Brian splayed the hand across Justin’s midsection, his other still cradling and protecting Justin’s head. Moving his hand along the turgid flesh of Justin’s cock, Brian gave it a slight squeeze, causing Justin to shiver. Brian took that moment to to press his lips to the throbbing pulse of Justin’s carotid artery, not for the first time happy to see the pulse so strong. He’d never forget how touch-and-go it was until Justin came out of the surgeries when the bashing first happened. To not have the blond breathing and full of life…

Determined to banish that particular image from his mind, Brian bit down softly in the throbbing vein eliciting a gasp from the squirming man in front of him. He knew just what that particular action always did to Justin.

“Stop…”

“Stop what? This?” Brian asked as his bit Justin’s neck again and then sucked hard on the supple skin.

Justin moaned. “Stop holding back and fuck me, Brian!”

And that was the permission Brian was waiting for! Not wasting another moment, Brian lifted Justin’s leg, positioning his muscled thigh beneath. Shifting his weight to rest mostly on his elbow, he rolled the condom down his length, adding a copious amount of lube. He acknowledged that it had been awhile for Justin and although the younger man knew what to expect, he still didn’t want to cause undue discomfort. Successfully stilling the trembling of his own limbs- partially from the effort of holding himself steady and the other from his skyrocketing arousal- Brian entered his own version of the paradise he had missed beyond words.

He stopped abruptly, hearing the sharp intake of Justin’s breath. It was taking every single ounce of willpower he had not to pounce. Instead, he kept himself in check, proceeding and pausing in increments to allow Justin’s body to adjust and adjoin with his own at will. If Justin had decided to stop all progress at this moment, he might die, but he would accept the decision. There was no other feeling that Brian had ever had in his vast experience that could compare to being inside of the heat of Justin Taylor. He was thankful when Justin no longer wanted to go slow, but impaled himself down fully on Brian’s dick. The whoosh of air left both of them as they laid there, absorbing the enormity of the moment.  

Justin pushed back and tapped Brian’s thigh to indicate that he was more than ready to proceed. Brian pulled back, then moved slowly back into the clenching hole. The soothing, easy motion of push and pull went on for untold minutes amid a chorus of mutual groans and sighs, until Justin rotated his hips, grinding against Brian in a way that at once was familiar and new all at the same time. Not being able to control his baser instinct, Brian met the next series of movements forcefully, pulling grunts from Justin.

“Oh my… God, how did I last from this feeling for so fucking long?!” Justin shouted.

“So good…. so go-” the rest of Brian’s sentence trailed off as Justin clenched and released him repeatedly upon his ascension and descension into his depths. “Do that again and I’m not going to last, Sunshine.”

“I- I don’t want you to last, Bri. Give me all you’ve got and then give me fucking more! Please,” he said, his breath trapping inside of his lungs on every pass of his prostate.

Brian shifted Justin’s leg higher on his hip and then redoubled his efforts to bring them both to bliss. Justin grabbed Brian's hair near the roots, using it as leverage to seal their lips together, stealing Brian’s breath and exchanging it with his own. His tongue danced inside Brian’s mouth the way Brian’s cock was dancing inside him. Finally when he could bear no more, Justin came with a loud cry, tears slipping unbidden from his eyes. His body shook and trembled with both emotion and the climax that rocked his world. Although he had loved being inside Brian, and loved Brian for letting him make love to him on numerous occasions, Justin missed the feeling of belonging to Brian in this way. He missed the feeling of Brian inside him, on top of him, surrounding him, shielding him… he missed being made love to, or of being fucked to within an inch of breath. The smile that graced his lips as he heard Brian finding his own nirvana within his body was unparalleled to any he had ever given before. And with it, any last remnant of fear Justin had felt in that moment, was burned away, never to return.

Brian withdrew from Justin, discarding of the condom, but still holding the quivering young man close. Never had Brian imagined that he would ever feel both torn apart and whole at the same time. He felt as if he and Justin had reached some sort of unspoken understanding, but wasn’t sure what it meant. However, he was certain of one thing: if he was a man who lived in regrets, he still wouldn’t regret the moment they just shared. He hated the circumstances that made it come to be, but he couldn’t find fault in any of the results. If his dick hadn’t just been inside of Justin, he might have reached down to check for it, but when he looked over and saw the tears of joy and the smile of freedom gracing Justin’s face… well, fuck his moment of lesbianic thought. He could live with it.