TEXTING THE INSANITY

“So, Brian told us that we have to redecorate on a budget, because you stranded us out here and we let you. I told you he would be mad about missing the sex.”

“Emmett wanted to know if you're overly attached to the lamp? It kind of got knocked over when we had a water balloon fight in the house.”

“Did you know that raccoons can really hiss when cornered. Don’t worry I have enough in the budget to repair the scratches.”

“Did you know that your patients tend to call a lot? I thought therapy was supposed stop codependency.”

“Hey, some guy named Ned called and said he was going to jump, but we told him that two stories would only break your leg and who needs that.”

“We found the wine in the basement, hope you didn’t like the one with cobwebs all over it.”

“Ned decided not to jump, I promised him a VIP pass to Babylon. I really should stop being a drug abuse counselor and just offer to do your job.”

“Justin wants cats but Brian said no, so we are going to adopt them and you can have them.”

“Sorry we didn’t know it would explode.” 

“Hey we talked to some chick named Kelly, she said she’s had problems with depression. Apparently she was really just bored so we told her to help think up something we haven’t done yet.”

“Why does a sex addict need curing? It doesn’t sound like such a bad thing.”

“Hey, can you give Todd and the dancers directions to this place, we wanted to see if we could have a Babylon night tonight.”

“Your mom called, she said that she would come and party with us! How could you put her in a retirement home?”

“Sorry about the hot tub, I promise the blue won’t stain.”

“Is there some reason you locked the door to your room? Don’t worry Daphne managed to get it open.”

“Hey, a guy called and said something about Michael and Lindsay putting a hole in your roof. Maybe you should drive faster.”

“Emmett wants to know if you like the color tangerine?”

“Never mind, it didn’t look as good when we painted the side of your house.”

“Brian loves me, you want to know why? Fireworks.”

“Did you like the trees around the house? If so we’ll replace them.”

“Todd said that sex addiction is ‘the bomb’. He convinced your patient that you don’t need therapy, just a backroom, or at least that’s what we are calling your bedroom.”

“We got hungry so I ordered for the forty people who came. The restaurant in the town said you have an account and authorized us to use it.”

“Brian told me to tell you that Carl had the windows to your house boarded up. Michael tried to superhero the window.”

“Monkeys do like bananas. I have my own Lindsay and Michael, but cuter.”

“Monkeys are a bit unsanitary, sorry about your couch.” 

“Brian said that you get to keep my babies, Lindsay was trying to hump his leg and Michael keeps playing with himself.”

“Did you know that pot bellied pigs and monkeys don’t like each other?”

“Hey, we had to leave your cabin. Apparently monkeys know how to turn on the stove.”

“We checked the house. Good news, three patients said they didn't need therapy anymore, they are just going to stick with Todd. Bad news, you need a new kitchen.”

“We are going on vacation, so we’ll see you later, your mom is going with her new hubby.”

ALEX

“Alex you have to work through your anger.” Blake tells me. 

“Are you seriously not talking to us?” Emmett asks me. 

“Drew and Brian promised to replace everything.” Justin tells me. 

“If you think about it, it's really your fault for leaving us in the woods.” Daphne tells me. 

“Hey we got you a new dad. Isn't that great?” Emmett asks me. 

“Lindsay and Michael seem to really like you.” Justin points at the monkeys perched on the table drinking beer.

“At least your cabin is still standing.” Emmett tells me. 

“And Todd said he could rebuild your house.  Who knew Todd owned a construction company?” Blake asks. 

“I figured he had to have something to do when Babylon was closed.” Brian tells him. 

“So see, it's not so bad.” Justin tells me smiling. 

“Your mom is having a great time being a cougar.” Daphne tells me. 

“You're really not going to talk to us?” Emmett asks.

“We honestly thought sex addiction was normal. I mean when could having sex be a bad thing?” Justin asks me. 

“You tell Justin anything different and I will make Michael and Lindsay seem sane.” Brian tells me. 

The monkeys stop chugging the beer and look at Brian.

“Not you.” He tells them.

“Have they found the other two?” Ted asks me.

“You can't really mean you aren’t going to continue your practice.” Emmett tells me. 

“Maybe you could start with patients that can be helped.” Daphne tells me. 

“Then again, I get after dealing with Michael and Lindsay why you'd want to swear off crazy people.” Justin tells me. “Not you, babies.” He tells the monkeys who cuddle up to him.

“We brought you kittens. Don’t you want Ren and Stimpy?” Emmett holds up the kittens.

“You could have Babe, Ted told me he'd get me another one.” Blake tells me cradling the pig.

“Hey I'd offer to take your step-dad off Mama Wilder, but he seems to really like older women.” Daphne tells me.   

“Will it help if we tell you we got you a present?” Justin asks me.

“Will it shut you up if I listen to you?” I ask them all.

They all nod smiling. Oh God what could they possibly have left to do?

“Okay where’s my present? Remember I am not taking any of the animals you came home with.” I tell them and Emmett holds the kittens next to his face and pouts.

“We just thought that since they tied you up all the time. We could deliver them to you the same way.” Justin tells me.

“Well almost.” Daphne tells me.

“They have to be in my office in the morning, please don’t make that impossible for them.” I beg.

I get up and follow them outside. Justin lets Michael climb up and perch on his shoulder. Lindsay tries to climb Brian but runs and jumps in Justin’s arms when Brian glares at her. 

“Brian, don’t be mean to our babies.” Justin tells him.

“Justin, I told you I’d let you have real ones if you get rid of the shark bait.” Brian tells him staring at the monkeys, while Justin glares at him.

“Where are we going?” I ask them.

“Well we aren’t going to strand you in the middle of nowhere, so it has to be close by.” Drew growls. I was surprised that Drew was more pissed about Vermont than Brian.

“Okay Todd, let them loose.” Justin yells at the top of Babylon.

“I look up to see Lindsay and Michael tied up and falling. They get ten feet from the ground and go back up and then down again. I look to see they are attached to giant YoYo’s.

“It works.” Daphne says excited.

“Hey Daphne, a bunch of guys want to do this, can we just turn them into the ball of string?” Todd yells down.

“I want to do it too.” Justin tells Brian and runs into the building.

“Baby wait for me.” Emmett chases behind them.

“Blake, we need to think of something that doesn’t sound like fun to do ourselves.” She tells him and grabs Blake to go with her.

“Drunk enough I’d do it.” Brian watches as they haul a giggling Michael and Lindsay up.

“What are they talking about ball of string?” I ask him.

“Oh, Daphne wanted to get in the book of records so they been creating a massive ball of string.” Brian tells me and walks away.

“Drew what does that have to do with Lindsay and Michael.” I ask him.

“They are the center.” Drew tells me.

I watch as a ten foot ball of string goes rolling down the road. The babylon dancers are running behind it rolling it. I look up to see Justin and Emmett jumping off the roof giggling as they go up and down and decide tomorrow’s another day but how often do you get to be a human YoYo.