The sound of someone pounding loudly on the door to their room woke all three travelers up the next morning far earlier than they would have liked while being on vacation. All three of them groaned and then rolled over, hoping someone else would get up and answer the door. Of course, the knock, knock, knocking didn’t stop.
“Justin . . . Justin, Baby, since this is your adventure, I think you should have to see who’s at the door,” Emmett ordered as he pulled another pillow over his head to try to block out the sound.
“Mmmrrrphhhhh,” Justin replied, trying in vain to pull the blankets that Daphne had stolen in the middle of the night back over himself.
*Knock, Knock, KNOCK*
The person trying to get their attention on the other side of the door was apparently getting a little impatient.
“Jus . . Justin . . . JUSTIN!” Daphne finally got her friend’s attention by poking her cold, pointy toes into Justin’s ribs and eventually kicking him off the queen-sized bed they were sharing together.
“Owww! Daphne! Fuck, I’m going. I’m going. Just keep those ice cubes you call feet away from me,” Justin complained as he unfolded himself from the heap he’d landed in on the floor and then crawled around the foot of the bed.
The not-yet-completely-awake young man managed to get all the way to his feet by the time he reached the hotel room door. Tugging his tidy-whitey briefs a little higher up his hips and absently scratching at his belly, Justin finally managed to undo the night security latch and pull open the door. The overweight sweaty man waiting on the other side of the door didn’t seem impressed at all with Justin’s lack of clothing or his cute twinky bod. The older man sneered down at the youth and just shoved a clipboard with some papers on it into Justin’s face.
“I got three suitcases here from Liberty Air for Taylor, Chanders and Honeycutt. You got some ID on you, kid,” the burly and surly guy drawled without preface or greetings.
“Uh . . . yeah, hold on,” Justin blinked a few times to try and clear his head in order to remember where he’d left his wallet. Tripping over the piles of randomly strewn dirty clothing left on the floor, Justin finally found his wallet on the dresser and brought his ID back to the luggage delivery guy for inspection.
“Okay. Looks fine - sign here, here and . . . here. . .” the delivery guy directed, flipping papers in Justin’s face without bothering to explain what the fuck he was signing, let alone giving him time to read anything. “Thanks. Liberty Air apologizes for any inconvenience you’ve had and wishes you a great stay here in Portland,” the man added by rote, not even trying for sincerity, starting to walk away even before the phrase was all the way out of his mouth.
Justin picked up his dufflebag and Daph’s light weekender bag from where the delivery guy had left them in the hallway, while he kicked Em’s bigger, ‘Queen-sized’, hard-sided fifteen-ton suitcase inside with his feet. He was so thankful to finally have his bag so that he wouldn’t have to wear that tacky ‘Aspen’ T-shirt anymore, Justin almost immediately forgot the rude delivery man and his too-early wake up. Pulling out a fresh pair of jeans and a shirt free of both toddler-vomit and inappropriate sayings, he made his way to the bathroom so he could get first dibs on a morning shower.
Combined, it took the group almost an hour to get everyone up, dressed and showered, mostly thanks to Emmett’s last minute fashion crisis - what did one wear to go driving in Wine Country? - but eventually they all made it out of the room on their way to breakfast. They fully intended to make the most of the comp’ed breakfast the airline was paying for at the hotel’s restaurant before they headed off for the day, so that was their obvious first stop. While they were waiting for their food, Daphne had her laptop up and running so they could map out their drive. Justin was doodling on his sketchpad, supposedly acting as a secretary of sorts, and making notes about what everyone proposed.
The drive from downtown Portland to Yamhill - according to the computer - should only take about two hours, tops. They still had one more day until the Wine Association meeting that Justin had overheard his dream guy talking about. Until then, the man could be anywhere. So, since they had a whole day to kill, the trio figured they would take take their time getting down to Yamhill and see as many local sights as they could along the way. After getting input from their server, the restaurant’s hostess, and a whole table full of native Portlanders sitting not far from them, the group decided on a leisurely route that would take them past several historical sights looping them through some reportedly gorgeous countryside and ending them up in a place called McMinvillle, Oregon - which they were told was the only place with a hotel close to Yamhill.
With their itinerary settled, the group devoured the rest of their breakfast before heading back up to the room to pack and set off on their grand adventure. They were almost to the elevator when Justin discovered he’d left his sketchpad back at the table in the restaurant. The young artist left the others to get started packing while he darted back to reclaim his book. Luckily, the kind waiter was already halfway to the door with his sketchpad in hand as Justin neared the restaurant. They smiled at each other without words as they handed off the lost and found item.
Justin was spinning around back towards the elevators when out of the corner of his eye, he saw a glint of sunlight highlighting a perfectly coiffed mane of auburn hair, right outside the main entrance to the hotel. He almost tripped over a large potted plant in his effort to get to the big plate-glass window just in time to see the man he’d flown across the country to find getting into a big black Lincoln Towncar. As soon as the gorgeous man sat down and the car door slammed shut, the beam of rare Oregon sunlight disappeared, as if Brian had taken his personal spot light with him. Justin could only sigh as he watched the car pull away from the curb and get lost in traffic.
At least Justin knew he was on the right track!
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The first stop on the Pittsburgher’s tour of Oregon was Oregon City - the first Capital of the Oregon Territory and the official end of the Oregon trail in the 1840’s and 1850’s. Besides being a busy suburb of Portland itself, Oregon City was mostly famous for the large waterfall that the city had been built beside. Before a series of locks was built, this was the highest a boat could go upriver into Oregon. It was the territorial capital where all the pioneers came to file their land or mining claims, it was the biggest city in the territory for years and boasted the biggest lumber mills in the area, all run by the falls. It was also where the locals said that the more scenic portion of their drive would start. So, maps in hand, the easterners headed south from downtown Portland in their little compact rental car.
For springtime in the usually cloudy Pacific Northwest, it was unusually sunny and bright as they headed out. There was only room in the car’s tiny trunk compartment for Em’s huge suitcase and Daphne’s weekender bag. Emmett insisted on driving and Daphne had appointed herself the navigator which left Justin without a specific job description and therefore, unfortunately, both Justin and his dufflebag were cramped into the very tiny back seat.
The rather messy rental car smelled even less fresh this morning than it had last night on the short trip from the airport. Justin, being sandwiched in the back seat, where most of the trash from the prior occupants had been deposited, was getting the brunt of the unpleasant aroma. Now that he was wearing fresh duds, he couldn’t blame the smell on his stained travel clothes either. It wasn’t so bad when the window was rolled down, but as soon as they got onto a large stretch of highway, Daphne demanded that he close the window because it was blowing her hair around.
“Ughhhh! Justiiiiinnnnnn,” Daphne complained about five minutes after the window was rolled closed. “Gross! At least warn us before you go stinking up the whole car next time.”
“Ha ha! It wasn’t me, Daphne,” Justin tried to argue.
“Well, if it wasn’t you, then tell your stinky invisible friend sitting back there with you to quit it with the farting,” Emmett added, his own nose comically crinkled up as the odor inside the small car grew more intense.
“Fuck you, Em. It’s not me,” Justin demanded, sitting up and starting to sniff around in order to try to find the source of the smell and prove it wasn’t him. “What the fuck IS THAT?’
“Your moldy ass?” teased Daphne from her spot in the front, as she also started to squirm around looking for whatever was causing the ruckus.
“It’s not MY ass! Remember, my Aspen’s just fine,” Justin shot back even as he started to winnow through the trash on the floor of the back seat. “Maybe the guys that rented this heap before us left their moldy asses in here or something, though, cause you’re right it smells like a particularly unclean ass after a long night in the backroom of Babylon.”
“Ewwwwww!” was the general chorus at this too-descriptive comment.
Justin was now out of his seatbelt and digging around under the driver’s seat. Daphne was trying to help by climbing over the passenger seat and holding out a plastic shopping bag she’d found by her own feet so that Justin could dump the trash he excavated. Emmett was trying to keep his eyes on the road while simultaneously getting poked in the side of the head by Daph’s elbow and having random pieces of trash thrown into his face.
“So, what do you call a person who doesn’t ever fart in public,” Emmett felt he was being left out and therefore had to add in the requisite bad joke. “A private Tooter! Hah! Get it?”
Justin and Daphne groaned in unison, not only at the joke but because it was right at that point that Justin unearthed a plastic bag from under the seat that was clearly the source of all the bad smells.
“Oooohhhhhhh! That’s foul!” Emmett screamed, the car swerving as he looked over his shoulder to see what the other two had found.
“Keep your eyes on the road, Em,” Daphne yelled, toppling over into her seat upside down when Em jerked the steering wheel in order to right the car.
Unfortunately, at the same moment, Justin also toppled over and whatever he’d been holding in his hands tipped just enough so that something wet dribbled out of the corner of the plastic bag and down the back of Emmett’s neck.
“Aaaaaaaaaa!” Emmett convulsed with another scream as he almost jumped out of the seat. The car careened wildly into the oncoming lane for about thirty seconds until Daphne managed to grab ahold of the wheel. Justin, who was trying to maintain his balance while not dropping whatever was in the malodorous bag, was jostled again, this time towards the other side of the car, allowing a large dollop of gooey brown gelatinous mess to leak out of the bag into Daphne’s hair this time. Daphne had let go of the steering wheel now as well and was violently trying to pull her hair out to get away from the ‘Eau de Moldy Ass’ scent.
With a movie worthy scream, Emmett looked up right at that moment and saw the oncoming semi-truck barrelling down on them. He jerked the wheel hard to the right, and then slammed on the brakes, stopping the car just as it brushed up against the metal guard rail at the edge of the road overlooking a rather steep drop off down towards a rushing river. Justin, of course, flew forward, landing head first in Daphne’s lap while the bag of grossness splatted all over the inside of the windshield, the goop inside ricocheting off the glass and dripping all over everyone.
When the car finally came to a complete halt and everyone looked up, all three were covered from head to foot with some goopy, smelly, brown glop. They gingerly crawled their way out of the car through the driver’s side door since the passenger’s side was snug up against the metal railing. Shaking their limbs to try and get most of the muck off, they all stood staring at each other on the side of the highway as other traffic zoomed by them.
Daphne was picking largish pieces of brown and white stuff out of her long curly hair and flicking them at the ground. Neither Justin nor Em had recovered enough to move much yet, so they just stood there watching their friend. When Daphne froze, looking down at the palm of her hand to determine exactly what the large white bit she’d just found in her hair was, they all saw the thing at the same time and there was another round of untempered screaming: The big white chunks were large and rather squirmy white maggots!
“Get em off me! Get em off! Get em off! Get em off!” Daphne was running around like a madwoman and pulling at her hair in a total panic. Emmett seemed almost as scared of Daphne as of the maggots and started to run away from his friend. Only Justin managed to hold it together long enough to make sure that Daphne didn’t run out into the lane of traffic. He pulled her back to the edge of the road and held her still while they both used their fingers to comb out her hair as best as possible. About five minutes later, a bashful Emmett came walking back towards them, apologizing for running away from the tiny bugs like a scared little faggot.
The three drenched and rancid smelling friends stood there on the side of the road just staring at each other for several long minutes. Nobody really had any immediate ideas on what to do at this point. The inside of the car was a total disaster area and wouldn’t be habitable until it was well-cleaned, if ever. They were covered with filth and stranded on the side of the road and had no idea where they even were at this point. I don’t think even Emily Post would know what one does in a situation like the one they were in.
“Shit, guys. At this point, I’m starting to question whether this ill-thought out trip, and the man behind said trip, was worth all this trouble,” Daphne groused, voicing the same ill-temper they all felt.
“Now, now, Daphne,” Emmett, the unquenchable romantic, refused to accept defeat. “This is just a minor setback, Sweetie. Remember, we’re doing this for Justin, so he can find the man of his dreams. We can’t let a little thing like exploding garbage stop us when we’ve already come all this way. Where’s your sense of Adventure?” However, that being said, nobody made any move to take action for at least a few more minutes after Em’s pep talk faded away.
Daphne, the most logical of the three, came to her senses first. The town of Oregon City was still about five miles away or so from where she thought they were when the exploding garbage forced them off the road. Looking around at their environs, she saw there was a little path about fifty meters away leading from the side of the highway down over the embankment towards the sparkling river below them. It gave her an idea.
“Okay, folks. Here’s what we’re going to do,” Daphne said, taking charge. “First, we’re going to clean out as much of the mess as we can out of the car while we’re still dirty. We need to get all the trash out and make sure there’s no more of whatever-the-fuck that shit was hiding under the seats. Then, we’ll grab some clean clothes and climb down to the river and wash up as best as we can. Maybe after we’re cleaned up, we can hitch a ride to the nearest gas station and get the car towed over to someplace where we can wash it out or something. But, we’re definitely not going to get a ride smelling like this!”
Everyone agreed - not that they really had a choice since nobody came up with a better plan than Daphne’s - and they immediately commenced the onerous task of cleaning out the car as best as they could with only their hands. When they finally pulled out all the trash, they saw that the original cause of the rank odor was a brown paper wrapped butcher-shop parcel from someplace called ‘Otto’s Sausage Kitchen’ labelled ‘1/4 pound Head Cheese’. The mere thought of anyone buying anything called ‘Head Cheese’ was almost as disgusting as the rotted remains of the thing had been. Needless to say, there was more than a little bit of gagging and retching as they worked to get the car cleaned out.
Luckily, Justin’s dufflebag had escaped most of the rancid gloop so he didn’t have to resort to trying to find another souvenir T-shirt. Soon enough, they’d done all they thought they could and were ready to get themselves a little bit clean. They all grabbed some fresh clothes and headed down the dirt track leading to the river bank below.
The track was steep but not unscalable for the three young people. When they finally got down to the edge of the river, they looked around and found they had a wonderful view of the nearby Willamette Falls. It was a fairly warm day, the water was sparkling brightly and Emmett even claimed to have seen a couple of large fish jumping through the rushing water of the falls. Daphne got a little startled when she first took a tentative step into the water - her unexpected approach causing a dark brown head to pop out of the water about two meters away, the furry little face almost grinning at the humans while the curious sea lion chomped away happily on the salmon it had just caught. Daph shrieked a bit and jumped back out of the water until the sea lion decided they weren’t very interesting after all and swam off to a nearby dock where she hoisted herself out into the sun next to a couple of blubbery buddies. After a few minutes, the boys coaxed Daph back into the water, but she continued to keep one eye on the large lounging wildlife the whole time.
Altogether it wasn’t a bad spot to take a little dip in the river. All three went in with all their clothes on at first - simply desperate to get the stink off them as quickly as possible. The cool, fresh water and the sunny day eventually worked enough magic to cheer them up again. Before long, they had stripped off their ruined clothing and were laughing, splashing and giggling away - the exploding garbage almost forgotten. In fact, they were having so much fun that they didn’t notice the motor boat approaching from downriver with the word ‘POLICE’ prominently painted on the side of the hull until it was close enough for the driver to yell at them.
“Hey! Sorry to inform you three, but this is the Willamette*, not the fucking Riviera,” a tall man with a thin wiry build, dressed in a bright orange jacket and wearing hip wader boots, hollered from behind the steering wheel of the small river craft. “We don’t have nude bathing around here. So, I’ll give you about sixty seconds to get some clothing back on before I haul all three of you in for indecent exposure.”
The man talked mean, but his tone of voice was almost laughing, so the three bathing beauties didn’t panic, they just hopped out and pulled on their clothes as quickly as possible. While they were dressing, the boat operator pulled up to the bank and then vaulted over the side of the boat, landing with a little splash a few feet away from where Emmett was still trying to pull on his over-tight orange pleather pants.
“Sorry, officer,” Justin apologized, looking up into the kind-looking chocolate colored eyes of the man approaching them. “We had a bit of trouble with some exploding head cheese in our rental car up there.” The officer gave a visible shudder at the mention of the ‘exploding head cheese’ - he couldn't think of anything worse at the moment - as Justin pointed up to the road where you could just see the bumper of the rental. “We were just trying to clean up a bit so we could get a ride into town and see about towing the car to the nearest car wash.”
“I’m NOT getting back in that thing until you can promise me there are no more maggots,” Daphne added, the disgusted look on her face more than enough of an explanation for the nice police officer.
“Well, that’s a new one for me, I have to say,” the cop said with a chuckle, scratching a bit at the short dark blond hair that was curling out from under the cap he was wearing. “I’ve never had to deal with exploding head cheese complete with maggots, before, but let’s just say I’ll take your word for it rather than checking it out in person. I can call for a tow truck for you and there’s a car wash just on this side of town. But, no more public nudity, please,” the amused policeman added as he grabbed the radio mike attached to the shoulder of his jacket and asked for a tow truck.
“Well, now that that’s all taken care of,” Emmett added as he sidled up closer to the helpful public servant, “maybe you and I should go get a cup of coffee, Officer Feel-Good, while these two young ‘uns get the car all spruced up?”
Both Justin and Daphne were flabbergasted - not only were they embarrassed by their friend’s overt flirting with the police officer who’d threatened to arrest them just a few minutes earlier, but they were a little scared that his brightly burning flame might get them into even more trouble. Of course, they should have known never to doubt Emmy Lou’s Infallible Gaydar. With a sweet, shy smile, the previously business-like cop nodded towards Emmett and then crooked his elbow out in invitation.
“Sounds good to me . . .”
“Call me when the car’s ready, kiddies!” Emmett laughed as he strutted off with his latest conquest, leaving Justin and Daphne scowling at him beside the disgustingly smelly vehicle they now had to clean all on their own.
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