Of course, the rental car would never truly be the same as it was prior to the exploding head cheese incident, but after Justin and Daphne power washed the interior for an hour at a nearby car wash, it was at least bearable to sit in. They had to go to the closest sundries store and buy a bunch of cheap-o beach towels to cover the still-damp seats, but that was the only negative to their plan. By the time the car was ready to go again, and they’d rounded up Emmett after his late morning tryst with Officer Feel Good, everyone was eager to get back on the road. They were only about two hours behind schedule.

Just beyond Oregon City, the countryside opened up into farmland with picturesque little towns dotted about every few miles along the small two-lane highway they were following. Justin was inspired by all the vistas of endless green fields and trees - he thought there would be a LOT more shades of different greens in his next few paintings. And, while the young artist was furious sketching away, Emmett provided a running commentary for the whole car about how ‘quaint’ the countryside was. Justin thought Em sounded way too much like that guy on the old PBS painting show - talking about ‘happy little trees and barns’ all over the place. That was Em for you, though, unquenchably enthusiastic.

Unfortunately, they only made it about ten more miles before Daphne insisted they stop again. She’d been spending more time researching the area on her laptop than she had looking at the scenery they’d been driving through. While everyone else was looking at the view, she was engrossed in looking up random factoids about whatever the other two mentioned. When Emmett announced that they were entering the city limits of ‘Historic Aurora’, Daphne immediately started demanding that they pull over right away. After a very short, but heated discussion between the three - Justin was anxious to get to Yamhill to find his man and Emmett wasn’t thrilled to stop in some dusty, tiny little burg that reminded him far too much of his hometown of  Hazelhurst - Daphne convinced them that it WAS almost lunchtime so they might as well stop here as anywhere else and get something to eat while they explored.

With her laptop open, Daphne led the way from the car into the little ghost town, reciting its history as she tried to walk and read and not trip all at the same time:

“Nearly 600 people, almost all German and Swiss emigrants, established and lived in the Aurora Colony, a Utopian Christian communal society led by charismatic mystical religious leader William Keil, from 1856 to 1883,” Daphne recited as the group came up to the Old Aurora Colony Museum. “Keil was a reputed mystic and faith healer who had emigrated from Prussia to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in the 1830’s, reportedly as a result of having his fortune told by a gypsy. Along with his followers, Keil founded a Christian Living commune in Bethel, Missouri in 1844. In the 1850’s, about half of the Bethel colony decided to move on to the great Oregon Territory in hopes of finding an even more perfect Utopia. The colony members supported their lifestyle through agricultural production and the application of their manufacturing skills. They made most of their own products including furniture, textiles and baskets. When William Keil died in 1877, he left a power vacuum that eventually led to the colony’s dissolution in 1883”.

Old Aurora Colony, Oregon. - http://www.auroracolony.org/

William Keil - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Keil

The group, led by Unofficial Historian, Daphne Chanders, walked around the one block square ‘downtown’ area, looking at the old German craftsman-style buildings which had mostly all been turned into antique markets. They stopped briefly into the small museum and looked at the original Oregon Territory Land Grant papers that had been the start of the commune and the many old photos of the the Colony inhabitants and their descendants. Then they sat on the porch of one little antique shop that also served small snacks and ate a light lunch in the shade of the big old building discussing the irony that this Utopia had only lasted twenty-some years.

On the way back to the car, Emmett got momentarily distracted by an antique sign in the window of the last little shop in the town. “Drink Queer-Cola! Do you see that? It says, ‘Drink Queer-Cola’! I HAVE to have that sign,” the big nelly queen insisted and immediately dashed into the store.

“Do you think we should tell him that that last letter is an ‘N’ not an ‘R’,” Daphne asked Justin after their friend had already run off.

“Nah. Why ruin the wonder of it for him,” Justin assured her and they both chuckled to themselves as they headed back to the rental car, sure that Em and his new ‘queer’ sign would follow.

“Can we please get going, finally,” Justin groaned from the rear seat as the three finally got back into the tiny compact rental. “Em got his fling with some park ranger in Oregon City and Daphne, you got your ‘History Detectives’ fix, but all I want to do is get to Yamhill as fast as we can. Maybe I can find Brian early and we can actually . . . “

“What? Go on, finish your sentence,” Daphne kidded her lusty friend. “What exactly would you do if you met him early. You could barely put two words together to speak to him the other night at Babylon. So, what ARE you going to say when you finally do meet up with this incomparable Stud Muffin? Maybe - ‘Hi, I’m Justin and I’m stalking you. I just followed you clear across the country to beg you to fuck me. . .”

“Ha, ha, ha, Daph,” Justin responded lamely, not really sure WHAT he was going to say if he ever did find Brian. “I’ll think of something. I just have to be myself, right? I’m a likeable guy. He’ll see that and . . . Fuck! What the hell AM I going to say to him?”

“Why SAY anything, Honey,” Em commented with his usual outrageous flair. “I think you should just walk right up to him, grab his luscious raspberry-red lips and plant a big wet one on the man. You can talk later, after you fuck.”

“Emmetttttt,” Justin whined out his embarrassment. “I’m not going to fucking attack the guy at some business meeting he’s supposed to be directing. I need to think of something more . . . subtle. Something sexy and . . . I don’t know . . . smart, witty, alluring . . .”

“Oh, oh, oh! I’ve got it,” Daphne screeched as Justin’s complaint tapered off into nothing. “Remember, we were dancing to Lady Gaga when you fell into him, and didn’t he say something about how you couldn’t help being clumsy cause you were ‘born that way’? Well, you need to remind him of that. Something like, “not only am I clumsy, but apparently I have a need to chase hot guys halfway around the country...hoping to get laid. Can’t help it. I was born that way!” Daphne chortled at her own little joke and Emmett laughed in concert.

“That’s perfect, Baby! You were Born That Way! You simply HAVE to follow your man. Even if it means stalking him around the world!” Emmett simply had to rub it in.

“Fuck you both!” Justin complained. “I’m sure I can come up with SOMETHING that isn’t quite as lame as that. Besides, I wasn’t the one to think up this stupid cross-country trek to find some guy I met only once - It was you two who talked me into this whole thing. Don’t you dare call me a stalker! I’m just an innocent bystander. It’s you two who are stalkers!”

The only response Justin got was more laughter as his two cohorts started singing the chorus from Lady Gaga’s hit . . . “Baby, you were born that way!” they paraphrased and pointed to Justin who was still scowling at them from the back seat.

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In spite of Justin’s complaints, the other two travelers demanded that they make a quick stop on the way to check out the Oregon Gardens, in Silverton, Oregon. The Oregon Gardens was an 80-acre botanical garden and tourist attraction that had been strenuously recommended by the Hostess at the hotel restaurant that morning. Justin might have objected harder to stopping there if the Hostess hadn’t mentioned that the only Frank Lloyd Wright home in Oregon was located there. And, while he didn’t really want to spend an inordinate amount of time looking at strange plants, he didn’t mind checking out a piece of architectural history like the Gordon House. What was even more amazing, was that this little gem of architecture was designed with average working-class owners in mind - In 1939 when Wright drew up the designs for this house, it would have only cost about $6,000 to build.

Oregon Gardens - http://www.oregongarden.org/.  

Gordon House - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gordon_House_(Silverton,_Oregon).

Even after all his complaining, though, it was Justin that delayed their departure from the Gardens. The garden vistas were magnificent and ended up too tempting for the poor artist. Em and Daph agreed that they should have forbidden Justin from bringing his sketchpad onto the site. If Jus hadn’t insisted on sitting down to sketch every SINGLE botanical display, they could have been in and out of the attraction in under an hour. As it was, they didn’t leave until after two pm.

“No more sketching,” Daphne said as she finally tore Justin’s graphite pencil out of his hand.

“Daphne! Give that back. I’m almost done,” Justin demanded.

“You said that about 45 minutes ago, Jus! We need to get going . . .”

“Don’t give him too much shit, Daph,” Emmett consoled the irate girl. “He can’t help it. He was BORN THAT WAY!”

That, and the incessant laughter, finally got Justin going. The trio was loaded back into their rental car and off to their next destination in less than five minutes. Daphne eventually relented, though, and gave Justin back his pencil once they were in the car, since it was either that or put up with his whining for the rest of the day.

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The final stop for the day was Silver Falls State Park, just a few miles away from the Oregon
Gardens. This incredible park included eighteen different waterfalls, most of which could be viewed by a short hike on an easy hiking path called the Trail of Ten Falls. Daphne, in her guise as the group’s PSA announcer, proclaimed that this park was in and of itself a prime example why the mountain chain just east of Portland was called ‘The Cascades’.

There was a short discussion about whether or not they would try to forbid Justin from bringing his sketchpad - but his complaining was too much for either Daph or Em to handle so they eventually gave in, with the full understanding that the short hike around the main falls would take at least twice the amount of time listed in the park brochure once Justin started drawing. Luckily for everyone, it was late spring and the daylight was expected to last until early evening, so they weren’t exactly worried about how long the hike would take, even with Justin and his drawing materials tagging along.

“Shit! I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much green in my entire fucking life,” Emmett declared as they headed off down the main path. “It’s almost blinding, it’s so green.”

“Some of these plants are such a bright green, they look fake even,” Daph agreed with her friend, examining a grouping of sword ferns nearby that truly were such a bright emerald green that they looked almost artificial.

Justin, the artist of the bunch, was too overcome by the beauty of the sights around him to comment. He was just busy trying to work out in his mind how to mix paints in order to achieve the exact shade of every green thing he saw around him. It was a daunting task. There were the dark green evergreen trees, the lighter-green deciduous Alders, the bright green of the ferns and bushes, all overlaid over the black volcanic rock with the trickling silver of the falls highlighting everything. It all looked and felt so dark and mysterious but somehow calming at the same time. Justin quickly grabbed his cell phone and started taking pictures of everything around him, hoping that the pictures would turn out good enough to remind him of this sylvan paradise of green.

Silver Falls State Park - http://oregonstateparks.org/index.cfm?do=parkPage.dsp_parkPage&parkId=151.

While Justin was enraptured by the artistic possibilities of the scenery, Em and Daph were babbling along, admiring everything in their own less-artistic but equally enthusiastic ways. Emmett had his cell phone out too, snapping shots of practically everything they passed. There was the gorgeous dark blue Stellar Jay that was teasing them from a tree branch overlooking the path, the shy, delicate looking white trillium flowers hiding in the darkest parts of the undergrowth and even the bright yellow flowers proliferating amongst the spiky Lincoln-green leaves of the nearby Oregon Grape bushes. Emmett almost couldn’t take pictures fast enough - everything he saw was so unique and new to him and he was just as intent on having a reminder of this wonderful panoply of nature as Justin was. Daphne was happy just pointing out new things for Emmett to capture with his digital camera app.

The main part of the pathway through the park led in a short loop from the parking area, down into the canyon carved by Silver Creek and then past a few of the bigger and more spectacular of the falls. The biggest waterfall of all, South Falls, was at the far end of the first loop. The three easterners were amazed when they discovered that the entire hiking trail continued on underneath and behind the big, multi-chute fall. According to their pseudo-guide, Daphne, who was reading from the park’s brochure, “the water of Silver Creek flows over a thick basalt lava flow that is resting on softer, older rock, and as the water loses elevation this softer layer beneath erodes and creates a natural pathway under many of the falls.”

From inside the cave behind the falls, the amazed visitors looked out through the silvery floods of water and down the canyon at the enchanting and almost magical scene. Under the falls, the sound of the rushing water overhead was almost deafening. There were a myriad of little dribbling leaks of water dripping from the walls and ceiling of the cave and making puddles of water on the pathway. There was a small sign near the cave’s entrance warning hikers that the path might be slippery, but the excited visitors weren’t really looking at signs when there was so much else to capture their attention.

Both Justin and Emmett were snapping photo after photo while they explored the little cave. Daphne was pointing out plants and flowers and interesting little outcroppings of rock that she deemed photo-worthy. Somehow, nobody pointed out the thick blanket of moss that was growing at the edges of the hiking trail. Emmett certainly didn’t notice anything as he backed further and further towards the edge of the path near the cave mouth to try and get a better picture of his two friends posing and waving from the back of the cave. He also didn’t notice the rather large, bright yellow Banana Slug that was making it’s way through the moss looking for edible lichen and small insects for it’s dinner.

“Everybody say ‘Oregon’,” Emmett directed as he finally got the picture he wanted framed. The chorus of ‘Oregon’ from his buddies, however, was subsequently drowned out by Emmett’s own screech as he took one step too many backwards, his right heel landing on the squishy big slug and his left foot sliding completely out from under him across the thick slippery moss. Em’s arms flailed helplessly and he tried to recover his balance before tumbling down the rocky slope at the front of the cave and into the caldron of water below the waterfalls. Justin and Daph rushed forward and grabbed at their friend, which only served to confuse things enough that they all three fell to the mossy ground amid the ferns. Luckily they didn’t roll too far and avoided taking the steep plunge into the creek below.

“Shit! Shit, shit, shit!” Emmett cursed as the three of them lay there trying to catch their breath. “I dropped my fucking cell phone with all our travel reservations and pictures and stuff.”

Looking around, it was pretty clear that the phone had gone over the cliff and wasn’t retrievable. Em just sat where he was, pouting about the loss and the destruction of his clothing which was now torn, dirty and wet. As he continued to mumble about ‘fucking nature’, the other two retrieved their own stuff then went back to try and cajole Emmett into getting up and finishing their hike. Em wanted nothing more to do with hiking or caves or fucking moss. He wanted to turn right around and head directly back to the car and he wasn’t moving until they all agreed with him or until his little drama queen moment had run it’s course.

They might have been sitting there for the rest of the afternoon arguing, too, if Mr. Banana Slug, not deterred in the slightest by his previous run in with Emmett’s foot and determined to get past the big obstacle that was now sitting in his way, laboriously climbed his slimy way up the brightly colored pleather pant leg. Em was too busy pouting to notice that he had a slimy passenger at first. But, just as Mr. Slug had crawled far enough that the eyes on the tips of his antenna-like eyestalks could finally glimpse the bed of moss he was so interested in returning to, his slime trail led him to a portion of Em’s pants where the fabric had been torn. As soon as the cold, gooey slime the slug used to help him slither along made contact with Emmett’s skin, the big scared queen jumped up, screaming at the tops of his lungs and started running wilding about demanding that someone, “Get it OFF Me! Get it OFF Me! . . . “

Mr. Slug almost immediately slithered down off the hysterical queen and happily landed back on his soft mossy bed. He was tired after that long slow journey, but at least he was back where he had wanted to be all along. Now, time to find some insects to engulf for dinner . . .

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“I was SLIMED! Do you hear me? I was fucking SLIMED! That is the MOST disgusting thing that has ever happened to me in my entire fucking life. Why do they let those slug creatures live here, anyway. You’d think the government would eradicate them or something. . . “

Emmett hadn’t stopped grousing about the slug encounter for the past hour. His rant about the slug was only somewhat more annoying than one of his rants about his equally slimy boyfriends. Justin and Daphne, however, had lots of experience ignoring one of Emmett’s rants. They just let him complain all the way back to the car and all the rest of the way while Daph took over driving to the hotel they were supposed to stay at that evening.

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