Chapter 24 - Unguarded.

“So Sunshine,” Brian asked conversationally as he and Justin lay twined together on the carpet next to the fallen Christmas tree. “Want to come to Pittsburgh with me for a wedding on New Year’s Eve?”

“Huh?’ Justin asked, ever the eloquent one.

“You. Me. Glamourous Pittsburgh on New Year’s Eve?” Brian asked again, trying to keep the concept simple this time. “Am I using particularly difficult words here or something, Sunshine?”

“No. . . But, uh . . . I just wasn’t expecting . . . “

“That call I got before,” Brian decided he’d better explain further before the nervous blond backed out completely, “was from Debbie - the woman who, for all intents and purposes, was my mother from the time I was about fourteen. She’s getting married on New Year’s Eve. I have to be there and do the loyal son thing, and . . . well . . . I thought maybe you might be willing to come along and give me a good excuse to not spend an inordinate amount of time with my crazy family.”

“I’m not sure, Brian,” Justin seemed rather uncomfortable with this topic. “I was supposed to work on New Year’s Day and . . . I don’t know your family at all . . . “

Both men fell quiet. Brian was at a loss for words. He couldn’t believe that Justin was rejecting him. He’d never been in this situation before, so he didn’t know what to expect, but he hadn’t expected . . . whatever just happened. After the fun-filled weekend Brian had spent with Justin and Gus and then the past two days of bliss, Brian had felt so sure of himself.

He had never spent so much time with one guy before. He’d rarely even spent more than a single night with any one guy in the past. The fact that he and Justin had been together almost nonstop for the past five days was, in itself, beyond compare. Brian had never felt this open and unguarded with anyone before. Shit - he’d just finished letting this little blond twink actually top him! Brian had admittedly been a bit caught up in the emotional high of the experience when he’d blurted out the invitation to Justin to accompany him to Pittsburgh, but even then, he hadn’t expected Justin to react so indecisively. Brian had thought that Justin . . . well, that Justin felt something for him, even if Brian wasn’t sure what that something was.

“Fine. Whatever,” Brian shook his head and started to pull his arm out from under Justin’s head.

Justin could hear the undertone of hurt feelings at the same time as he felt Brian physically withdrawing from him. It wasn’t a good feeling. Justin had been enjoying the easygoing, comfortable rapport they had going. It was nice in a casual, unpressured kind of way. Not to mention that the sex with Brian was absolutely fantastic. But, Justin still wasn’t sure that he wanted anything more with Brian Kinney. Well, at least not with the Brian Kinney he thought he knew. Although, the longer he was around Brian, the less Justin thought he understood the man.

Justin absolutely didn’t want any part of the love ‘em and leave ‘em, heartless lothario he’d seen when Brian had first moved into the apartment. The man who hadn’t cared a whit about kicking someone out of their home. The man who racked up sexual encounters with the same lack of emotion he would have if they were mere poker chips. The loner who didn’t give a shit about his family and friends. Justin wanted nothing to do with that man.

On top of everything else, Justin had just escaped from one unsatisfactory relationship with Connor. He was only just realizing, now that Connor was gone, precisely how unsatisfying that connection had been. Connor had been so fake, so pretentious, and so controlling. Justin was rather enjoying being free from the constraints involved in a relationship for a change. Why would he give up that freedom just to fall into another connection with Brian - a man who, what with his fixation on neatness and perfection, seemed even more controlling than Connor.

And yet . . . Justin was starting to wonder if he hadn’t yet seen the real Brian Kinney. He’d had glimpses of the man he thought was hiding somewhere inside that gruff, self-assured exterior when he’d seen Brian interacting with his son. Brian Kinney, the indulgent father, was a completely different creature than the man who’d first barged his way into this apartment less than two months before. When Brian was with Gus there was a softness to him, a gentleness and sense of peace, that was entirely captivating. There were echoes of that caring, generous man present when they’d fucked. If only the real Brian Kinney would please stand up.

While all these thoughts were going through Justin’s mind, Brian was fighting a battle with himself. He could feel the sarcastic asshole everyone back in Pittsburgh knew - Brian ‘Fucking’ Kinney - trying to reassert his presence. It had always been his first mode of defense. ‘Don’t get hurt - hurt somebody else first - and then retreat as fast as possible’, had always been his primary means of defense. So, when his first foray into caring in a long, long while seemed to be ending in outright rejection, that was Brian’s immediate first response.

However, as Brian was trying to unwrap himself from Justin’s warm body, ready to retreat in order to save himself from any possible rejection, he accidentally knocked against the wonky tree again. The jolt caused a hail of glitter to shake loose and one of the gingerbread men ornaments that Justin and Gus had decorated came free, falling from it’s tentative perch on a branch above and landing with an inconsequential thunk against Brian’s shoulder. It was an instant reminder of all the fun he’d had with Gus the past weekend. The outings, doing crafts, experiencing the pure, unadulterated joyousness of spending Christmas-time with his son. All that fun had been a direct consequence of having Justin in his life now. And, for the life of him, Brian couldn’t bear going back to being that lonely, cynical asshole again.

*****Brian had been a different person since he’d moved here to New York. For the very first time in his life, he hadn’t felt constrained by the expectations of his friends and family. Here, he didn’t have any reputation that he had to maintain. None of the anachronistic rules he’d surrounded himself with for years existed here. He didn’t have to be the carefree, rebellious club boy that his friends used to vicariously spice up their own humdrum lives. He didn’t have to be the ruthless top who fucked around without caring who his tricks were and who never did the same guy twice out of fear of forming some unwarranted commitment. His abusive father was dead and his cold-hearted mother who abhorred him was far, far away and neither could touch him or hurt him here. There were no more reasons to keep up his defensive walls, if he didn’t want them in place anymore.

In this new place - this new town, new home, new life - Brian was finally free to remake himself in whatever image he wanted. No one knew him here. Nobody cared who Brian Kinney was or who he had been before. There wasn’t anybody here who could judge him by his past. There were no more rules - not if he didn’t want to have them. Brian could be whomever he wanted to be for the first time in his long, fucked up life.

Suddenly, Brian understood. He could be a wholly new man here in New York. Nobody expected anything from him. If he wanted to be a caring, indulgent father to Gus, nobody would know it was out of character. No one would use any of the drivel he’d spouted for years against him saying, ‘But, Brian, you always said . . . ’  He could be a shy, nerdy hermit if he wanted. He could be a doting, dickwhipped, lesbionic dweeb - okay, maybe that was pushing things, but the point was there wasn’t anybody who would give a crap if he was. He could stay in every night and read poetry if he wanted. Who would know or care? He didn’t have to be the Stud of Liberty Avenue. He didn’t HAVE to be anyone.

Which was the most frightening thought he’d ever had! If there were no more constraints put on him - if Brian Kinney didn’t have to be ‘Brian Fucking Kinney’ anymore - then who the fuck was he? He had no one to please but himself. So, exactly who was it that he wanted to be now?  

Brian stopped moving halfway through pulling his arm out from under Justin. The older man seemed frozen in place for about a minute and a half. Justin looked up curiously when his lover suddenly stopped and was amazed at the panoply of emotions that he saw washing over Brian’s countenance.

“Brian?” Justin wasn’t sure what he was asking, just that he wasn’t comfortable with Brian’s silence and stillness on top of the lingering hurt he sensed.

Brian fell backward, collapsing again under the tree. He looked over at the slightly-built young man that he was still holding in his arms. He had no one to please but himself, right? And it would please him immensely to keep this beautiful, sweet, caring blond boy in his arms and near to him. So, what did he have to do to accomplish that? All he had to do was open himself up to another man and let Justin know exactly how much he enjoyed their time together. Of course, that would set him up for possible pain, hurt feelings and crushing rejection. It might also set him up to be in a caring, loving, adult relationship. It wasn’t at all what Brian ‘Fucking’ Kinney would do. So . . . maybe it was just what the new Brian needed?

“Justin,” Brian thought of what the old ‘Asshole Brian’ would have said and then forced himself to say the exact opposite. “Please . . . I would really like to have you there with me. I’d like to see where this whole thing goes. I admit I have absolutely no experience whatsoever in dealing with relationships, but I’d like to try . . . maybe . . . with you. I’d like to share more time with you and Gus together. And . . . I’d like to take you to Pittsburgh, introduce you to my family and watch their mouths drop open in utter surprise when I tell them I’ve brought my ‘boyfriend’ with me.”  

“So, you’re just asking me to come with you to shock your family?” Justin wasn’t exactly thrilled by that idea.

“No, Justin. I want you to come with me because I like being with you. Shocking my family will just be an added bonus,” Brian teased with a mischievous grin.

“Brian, I don’t know . . ." Justin wanted to protest, but his objections died out when he looked into Brian’s eyes and saw the open look of raw fear there. Justin knew that this wasn’t something Brian Kinney did on a regular basis - taking someone home with him to meet his family and friends, talking openly about how another person made him feel, using words like ‘boyfriend’ and ‘relationship’. None of these were things that a man like Brian did. Justin had always thought Brian was that guy - the shallow, uncaring asshole that didn’t let himself feel, or at the very least, who didn’t let himself acknowledge any feelings. But, that guy didn’t seem like the guy lying next to him.

“Are you sure that’s what you really want, Brian?” Justin asked warily.  “I mean, we could just chalk this all up to too much pot and move on. You told me right from the start that there could never be anything more - that you didn’t want more. I didn’t expect anything more . . .”

“I didn’t expect to want more either,” Brian confessed, unconsciously pulling Justin’s body closer to his own as he spoke. “I thought I was perfectly happy with my life. I thought . . . Well, I thought a lot of stupid shit, I guess, but it looks like it was all just a load of crap . . . This was the best Christmas I’ve ever had in my whole fucking life, Sunshine. I usually just try and hide out till it’s over, but somehow you made it . . . wonderful. And I . . . well, I just thought maybe we could . . .”

Brian’s voice died out - he simply couldn’t find the words to explain all these alien emotions he found himself at the mercy of. He’d always been bad with words, except for the type of one-liners he used for work. Brian found it easier to show than to tell. So, he did what he usually did when words failed him and let his actions speak for him.

Propping himself up on his elbow, Brian made sure he had Justin's full attention before slowly lowering himself until their lips lightly brushed against each other. He felt rather than heard Justin's long sigh at the barely there pressure between their mouths. Brian's gaze remained locked on the crystal blue eyes glinting in the reflected glow of the twinkle lights from the fallen tree. He saw his own uncertainty mirrored in those eyes, along with an equal amount of lust, and just a hint of maybe something more - some unnamed connection that Brian wanted more than anything he'd ever known. He couldn't have held back the nascent smile he felt breaking out at the moment he recognized that Justin felt the exact same longings he was harboring. Brian didn't even try to hide the happy, boyish grin that not only adorned his face but went all the way to his own sparkling eyes.

“So, come on, Sunshine," Brian whispered with a playfulness he hadn't felt in years, if ever. "Let me show you off a bit and wow them. You know you want to say yes. You know you can't turn me down. Not after I just let you top me. That would be just too cruel. I might end up being so traumatized that I don't let anybody near my ass for another fifteen years."

Justin found that he was a total pushover for the teasing enticement he heard in Brian's tone, not to mention the glint of silliness that shone out of the beautiful hazel eyes. He still wasn't one hundred percent sure about Brian Kinney. But, this playful, tender man certainly wasn't the heartless sexual predator that had scared Justin off in the first place. This person was really just a big kid that wanted nothing but a little fun and was almost as afraid of being hurt as Justin was himself. What the hell - Justin thought he might as well give this new Brian Kinney a chance.

"Well, we can't have that. Your ass is just too sweet to hide away again, Brian. And I wouldn't want to be the man responsible for causing you to deny yourself the pleasure of an occasional cock up there. I guess I have no choice," Justin tried to keep a serious expression on his face while he spoke but it was no use - his Sunshine smile broke out full blast as soon as he saw Brian's answering smile. "So, New Year's in Pittsburgh, huh? How exotic! My friends will be SOOOOO jealous. When do we leave?"

Brian's no-doubt witty rejoinder was interrupted when a fuzzy, happy, purring ball of grey fur hopped up on top of Brian's bare chest and started kneading the naked flesh. With a very loud 'Ooowwwww!', Brian jumped up, knocking the tree even further off its base as he frantically tried to dislodge the frightened cat clinging with every single claw to Brian's chest. Justin leapt to his lover's rescue and carefully pried away the claws. Brian was left mostly undmaged except for a lovely set of eight bright red puncture marks that adorned his otherwise perfect pecs.

"In case you didn't get the subtext there, Brian," Justin commented as soon as Brian's cussing quieted. "That was Winston's way of telling you that he'll be coming too. Merry Christmas, Brian!"

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*****This passage was inspired, in part, by another story I read recently. This author perfectly framed the way I see Brian reacting in this situation. I highly recommend that you check it out:

'Spin and Fall' by Conzieu