Justin ran through the airport, his stomach in knots of worry and his mind reeling with all the thoughts tumbling through his mind. He grabbed his luggage without pausing even briefly to check it, and ran outside to hail a cab.
Only 5 hours earlier, Lindsay had reached him on his cell phone, although it was all he could do to understand what she was trying to tell him through the hysterical sobs he heard clearly coming through the line. Gus was in the hospital, he had a high fever that they could not explain, and he was neither coherent nor out of danger.
In the 3 years since he had moved to New York, he had flown at least once a month to see this precious boy who meant the world to him. He had met him for the first time on the same night he met his father, and that was one memory that would never be erased. Hell, he had even chosen the baby's name, and in the months that followed had often watched him when Mel and Lindsay needed some ‘adult' time. By the time his mothers decided that Pittsburgh was not a safe place to raise a child with gay parents, the two of them had become so close that neither one could imagine life without the other one in it. Now they had all come back to the U.S., settling in nearby Butler, about a half hour outside of Pittsburgh. It was close enough to be able to spend time with the family that they had missed so much, without being so close that the members of that family felt compelled to just stop by on a whim whenever the mood hit them.
As he shouted to the cab driver that he needed to get to Allegheny Hospital as quickly as possible, he tried once again to reach Linds or Mel. He was sure when he got their voice mail that they had their phones turned off while in the hospital,, and he tried to think of who he could call that would not queen out on him as soon as they heard his voice. Deb and Emmett were out of the question. He couldn't decide which one would scream the loudest if they realized that Justin was back in town.
As for Brian, well, they hadn't spoken in the last year and a half. That's how long it had been since the strain of their long distance relationship apparently had taken its toll on the tall brunette, and he stopped calling or coming to see him. Justin's stomach clenched as he thought about it. Even after all this time it still filled him with pain and longing when he let his mind drift to the man he still loved, would always love, and the fact that by moving away he had lost the only man he would ever love.
He decided Ben would be calm and helpful, and he dialed his number, hoping that he had not changed it since he was gone. Ben answered on the first ring, shocked to see who was on the other end. "Justin", he quickly blurted into the phone, "is that really you?"
"Yeah, Ben , it's me," Justin replied, surprised with the effect that hearing Ben's voice had on him. "Lindsay called me, and I just got in. I am on my way to the hospital. What can you tell me about what's going on?"
"It's not good," the older man sighed, his voice choked with sadness. "Gus slipped into a coma about an hour ago. He is in the pediatric ICU. He has viral encephalitis, and his temperature has been dangerously high. They have started anti-viral medications IV, as well as fluids to keep him hydrated. They have also begun steroids to reduce the swelling as well as anticonvulsants to keep him from having seizures until the steroids begin to take effect. "
Tears filled Justin's eyes, and spilled over, running down both cheeks as he sniffled into the phone. He lost Brian, and there was nothing he could do about that, but he couldn't lose Gus, too.
"How are they holding up? Have you talked to Linds, or Mel?" Justin asked more calmly than he felt. "What about Brian, is he at the hospital, too? " Justin wanted to be prepared for what he was walking in to. Brian might not want him there, but he would need someone to be with him and comfort him. "Is Mikey there with him?"
"Yeah" Ben told him, " Mikey has been there all day. He just got Brian to go the cafeteria to get some coffee and get something in his stomach before he passes out. Brian has been there since early this morning, and has not left his son's side until now. The doctor's say it will be hours until they see any change, if he begins to respond to the medications. "
"Thanks Ben," Justin could barely stop the nausea that had risen in his throat. Ben had not said when he responded, but if. This was really serious. There was a real possibility that Gus could....no...he couldn't even think it. "We just pulled up to the hospital now. I'll talk to you soon, I guess".
"Sure thing. Be strong in there, I can't tell you what you might be walking in to. They are all out of their minds with worry, and who knows what that will look like, " Ben told the young blonde as he hung up the phone.
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Justin rounded the corner into the waiting room, and stopped short at what he saw. As he rushed over to the familiar blonde crying in a seat, being comforted by her wife and lover, Mel, his fears got the best of him. He pulled Lindsay into an embrace, panicked as he asked the question he was afraid for her to answer. "Linds, is he..."
Lindsay wrapped her arms around his shoulders and sobbed, but quickly assured him, "No, no, Justin, he was just so restless that the docs thought it might be better if we came out here for a little while. They aren't sure if he can really hear us, but if he can, it might be upsetting him to hear us crying and talking. In fact, Ted and Carl took Debbie and Emmett home for a little bit. You know how they can be when their emotions run high. It was quite a circus out here for a while."
Justin sank into the chair with a sigh of relief, his heart beating so strongly in his chest that he was sure they could see it from the outside. "Why don't you go in to him, Justin," Mel said quietly, the turmoil and distress evident on her face. "If he can hear us, he'll want to know that ‘his Justin' is here with him. He loves you like a father. Hell, as far as we're all concerned, you have always been his father every bit as much as Brian."
Justin looked over at her, grateful for her words, and that he would be allowed to go in to see the boy for himself. Nothing would quiet his nerves until he saw him with his own eyes.
He quietly walked towards the room where Gus lay so still and pale, and was almost inside when he heard Lindsay say "we'll be right over here if you need us. We will just try to rest a little bit while we know he is safely with you, so we will be wide awake and alert when he wakes up." Lindsay began crying softly once again, and Mel led her to the high backed seats in the corner, her arm wrapped protectively around her shaking shoulders.
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"Hey, little man," Justin whispered, as he pulled a chair over to the bedside. "You have us all pretty scared, you know?" He put his hand through the side-rail and took the little boys hand in his. His voice faltered as he continued to talk to this child who meant so much to him. "You just have to get better, you know. Our family just wouldn't be complete without you." He choked back a sob, not wanting to frighten the boy if he woke up, but couldn't stop his tears as they fell like raindrops down a window pane, leaving his line of sight blurry and his eyes red and bloodshot.
With his back to the door, he didn't see the man of his dreams, his Brian, come walking down the hall towards the room, and so he just kept talking, more out of nervousness than anything else, not quite sure that Gus was really hearing anything he said.
As Brian almost reached the doorway, he trembled as he looked up to recognize the beautiful blonde sitting by his son's bedside. He stopped without entering the room, close enough to hear what the younger man was saying.
"You know, you look so much like your dad" he said as he brushed a hair back from the child's forehead. "It's almost hard to look at your face sometimes, because I see him every time I do. But, that's also one of the many reasons that I love you so much, because I still love him so much. I think I always will. When you've found the one who completes you, your soul mate, the only one you can imagine growing old with, and then lose him, well...the love doesn't just go away. I don't know why he stopped coming, I guess it was just too much of a hassle to keep up with the trips to NY and the late night phones calls, and I guess I fooled myself when I believed I was enough for him, oh hell, I don't know. All I do know is that I miss him so bad it actually hurts, and when I see you...it's like he's not really gone from my life. Please Gus, you have to be ok, ‘cause if I lose you , too, I don't think I could really go on." Justin's sobs tore through his body, causing his shoulders to shake with the effort.
Brian was nearly overcome as he saw the two people he had ever truly opened his heart to, one lying helpless, and the other so full of love and caring that his chest did a little flip. Watching Justin as he tenderly spoke to his son produced feelings in him that he could not put into words. He leaned back against the wall, feeling like his legs would not be able to hold him up if he tried to step away.
Could it be true? Was Justin still in love with him? How could Mikey, his life-long friend, have betrayed him like that? He told him that when he spoke to him, Justin said he wanted out, but that he just didn't know how to let his lover down easily? He had believed him, fuck, why wouldn't he? And so he had stopped calling, stopped going to see him, and refused to even speak his name, all for his own good, of course. He even stopped responding to his calls and emails, even though it almost killed him. He had been so lost and alone without him all this time, missing Justin so much that some days he could barely function.
As he tried to pull his thoughts together, Michael came walking down the corridor. Brian stepped up to him quickly, and grabbing him by the collar, pushed him back further into the waiting room. He almost growled as he said, "Michael, I can't deal with anything right now except making sure my son gets well, but at this very moment, I can't stand the sight of you. Get the fuck out of here. Go home to your professor and see if he can forgive you, ‘cause I'm not sure that I ever will."
Michael flinched. Brian never used his given name. What the fuck was going on. He turned his head to the side and gasped as he saw the blonde sitting in the chair in Gus's room. He knew that the gig was up, and somehow Brian knew what he had done. He opened his mouth to try to explain, looking up at the face of his oldest and dearest friend, and was startled with the anger and pain he saw there. "Not a word Mikey," Brian hissed, " there is nothing more to say. Just get the fuck away from me." Brian turned his back on Mikey and slowly walked back over to the door of his son's room, leaning in the doorway, unsure of what the fuck to do next.
Mikey turned to Mel and Lindsay, as his shoulders slumped in defeat. "Let me know how he is doing, will you?" he asked his shocked friends. He walked out of the hospital, and plopped on a bench outside, holding his head in his hands, and crying, wondering what he was going to do now. Somehow he had to find a way to make Brian understand.
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Justin was still speaking softly to the tiny form lying in the hospital bed, unaware that the man he was speaking about was now standing just outside the room, hearing everything he was saying. "I don't know how I am going to handle it little man, when I see your dad. I know he's here, and it won't be long. Somehow I have to prepare myself, ‘cause the last thing he will be able to tolerate is any hint from me of just how much he still affects me. I love him enough to be strong, to be whatever he needs me to be."
As the tawny haired young man continued to talk, still holding tightly onto the hand of the little boy he loved like a son, his mind wondered and he began speaking more to himself than to Gus, although he still hoped the youngster would become aware that he is there and be comforted.
"I think I can hold it together until you are out of the woods, because you are more important than anything, and none of us will be able to focus on anything else until we know you are safe. But I have no intention of leaving here until you are completely well again, and I have no doubt that your dad will be back to his old routine the minute the doctors tell us you are going to be ok, and that is what I am not sure I can handle."
"Sure, I have known all this time that he is probably back out there tricking every night, living his life as if we never existed, but seeing it will be another thing entirely. Better that, though, than the alternative. Brian ‘Fucking' Kinney and sex just go together, like Emmett and his flame, but if I find out that he has someone new in his life, well, that will be like a knife in my heart. " He snickered to himself as he went on ..."if he only knew that I have been completely celibate since the last time he made love to me. Not even an anonymous trick in all this time since I realized that he had walked away from me... from us. I couldn't, I just couldn't, but I can just hear the sarcastic mockery, just imagine the ridicule that he will throw at me for being such a lesbionic twat."
As he heard this, Brian dropped the empty coffee cup that he had been unwittingly crushing in his hand. Justin's head turned to see what the sound was, and inhaled sharply as he saw Brian standing there gazing at him. He wasn't surprised to see the fear and emotion written on his face, he knew better than anybody how much this man loved his son. But there was something else, too. Surprise perhaps,at seeing him there, or could it be that he had heard his confession? Justin wasn't sure, but he felt almost dizzy with just the fact that Brian was there, in the same room, they were sharing the same air, and for once, he couldn't speak at all.
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"Justin," it was more of a sigh than a word, but Brian visibly (at least to Justin, that is) steeled himself, pulling himself together as he asked, "has there been any change?"
"None since I arrived," Justin responded, his heart pounding as Brian walked over to stand next to him. The younger man stood, and as if by instinct, the two men embraced, gathering strength from each other, each knowing that the other one loved this child as much as he did.
They pulled apart abruptly, each aware of the electricity that ran through them as they touched, and that neither man was ready to contemplate. "How does this happen, Sunshine?" Brian huffed. "What kind of God let's a child suffer like this? Why couldn't it be me? I deserve anything the fates can throw at me. But Gus, he's just a little boy..." His words cut off as his fear and anxiety overwhelmed him, and he took a deep breath to compose himself once again.
"When did you get here? How did you find out?" Brian asked meaningless questions to keep himself from thinking about what he had heard just before Justin turned and saw him.
"Linds called me in the middle of the night, and I got the first flight in that I could. I got here about a half hour ago. " Justin was glad for the small talk, allowing him the time he needed to push the heap of mush that his heart had become deep down inside himself, for Brian, as well as for himself. Within minutes, for all intents and purposes, both men were acting as if they had spoken to each other just yesterday, and nothing was amiss. They both stood silently by the bedside, not sure what to do with the awkwardness that was suddenly between them.
They were rescued from their discomfort when Lindsay and Mel came back into the room, and after a few minutes of planning, the four decided together that the moms would now stay with Gus for a while, as Brian went home to shower and change, and Justin called his mom and made arrangements to stay in their guest room until the crisis had passed. The dads would both be back within the hour, and in the meantime, the mothers would keep in touch by cell if anything changed.
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Brian pushed the button for the elevator, trying to squelch his aggravation that Justin would not accept a ride, insisting on taking a cab to his mother's. Perhaps it was better this way, he thought. Fuck me, I have no idea what to say to him, we have so much to talk about, but it will have to wait. Even then, I have no idea where to start.
He opened the door to his loft, and his irritation turned into full blown rage as he entered to find Mikey sitting on the barstool at the kitchen island, still blubbering like a teenager. When the fuck was he going to grow up and become a man?
"What the fuck are you doing here?" Brian shouted, startling the dark haired man, who almost fell off the stool. "I thought I told you I didn't want to see your fucking face. What part didn't you understand, Michael? Did I use words that are over your head?...Get....out..... Is that simple enough for you to understand?"
"Briiiiiiaaaaannnn," the other man whined, causing the brunette to press his fingers to his nose, becoming aware that his head was beginning to pound. "You have to listen to me. I was only trying to save you from being hurt. That selfish prick was going to move on without you, find someone else, that's what he does. And then where would that leave you, huh? He didn't deserve the loyalty you were willing to give him while you waited for him to go off and shine in New York, and then leave you like he always did before."
Brian used every ounce of willpower that he had to keep from punching Mikey. He marched right over to him, getting so close to his face that he could see the veins in his eyes, which had grown to an enormous size, with fear and uncertainty written all over them. "Listen to me, Mikey. Are you listening?" He didn't even wait for the other man to nod, as he continued. "If you don't shut your stupid mouth, I won't be able to be responsible for what happens. You had no right, and I am no longer going to stand by and watch your juvenile insecurities and jealousy destroy the people in this family. Go home Mikey, and figure out what you really want. Because whether Justin ever forgives me or not, even if he can't and I never see him again, you and I ... we're through, Mikey. " He ran his fingers through his hair, and almost roared, " you and I were never going to sit on the porch on fucking rocking chairs, and I'm never going to be in love with you. And after what you've done, hell, we're not even friends any more. You've stepped over a line, you fucking self-centered prick, and I can't trust you anymore. Leave your key on the counter, and get out. NOW."
Brian looked incredulously as Mikey simply stood where he was. He took one step close to his former friend, looked him square in the eye, and bellowed, "I SAID NOW." He turned around and placed a hand on the counter, trying to regain his composure as he heard the metal clank onto the countertop, shuffling footsteps approach the door, and a sniffling voice almost whisper his name. He held out his hand behind him, not even turning around to face his former best friend, and a few seconds later he heard the loft door open, and then after a brief hesitation and more sniffling, slam shut again.
He stumbled towards the raised bedroom, throwing his clothes off one piece at a time, uncharacteristically leaving them lay wherever they fell. As he reached the shower stall, now completely naked and panting, he turned the water on as hot as he could stand it, and got in, hot tears joining the steaming flow as he let the water cascade over his head and down his body, wishing it could take the stress and pressure, disappointment and confusion with it down into the drain.
As he stood there, barely able to comprehend all that had transpired over the past few hours, he began to stroke himself, needing relief from the fear, and the frustration, but most of all, needing to do something to try to remove from his mind the image of the man that he loved more than he ever thought he could love anyone. The only problem with that was, the harder he got, and the closer he got to the orgasm he now desperately craved, the more firmly rooted the picture of Justin became in his brain. He groaned loudly as he felt his cock explode against the shower wall, then soaped and rinsed with no more delay, feeling no more sated than before he started.
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