Blinded

Chapter 18

Justin came out of the bathroom with his towel firmly wrapped around his waist. He headed for Brian who was still sitting on the sofa. He sat down beside the man before he realized that there was a smile on Brian's face unlike anything he had ever seen before.

"Brian?" he said wondering what could have happened.

"I think my sight's starting to come back," Brian whispered.

"What? You can see?" Justin asked gripping Brian's arm excitedly.

"No, no, I can't," Brian said dashing the young man's hopes. "But for a couple of seconds I'm sure I saw the glow from the street lights outside. It's the second time it's happened."

"And you didn't tell me the first time?" Justin asked his voice full of hurt and accusation.

"I thought I imagined it. It happened so fast and it was just shadowy, but this was light. I'm sure it was."

"That's great, I guess, but now you can't see anything?"

Brian shook his head. "The doctor told me that it would most likely be gradual. I guess this is what he meant."

"But it's a good thing that you could see even for a second. It must mean that you're on the road to recovery."

"Oh God, I hope so," Brian gasped. He wanted to cry. He wanted this nightmare to be over. He felt Justin's arms come around him and pull him into a warm hug. He hugged back and then they were kissing, softly and tenderly. Justin was telling him how happy he was at the prospect of Brian's sight returning and Brian was grateful to have someone to share this moment with. This was all spoken without words. Their lips and arms and bodies pressed together did the talking for them. The kiss went on and on until Justin tried to add a little tongue. At that point Brian pulled back. He knew where this was going to lead and he knew that he had promised it wouldn't happen, not yet.

Justin felt Brian draw away and he sighed. He turned away from the man, staring at the curtained windows of the loft. He could feel tears behind his eyes and he tried to fight them. Brian was rejecting his advances once more. He didn't know how many more times he could stand being shoved away before he really did break down. He wanted Brian with all his heart and his body and his soul. He didn't understand why he was so drawn to the man. He was beautiful and intelligent, but it was more instinct than rational thought. He just knew he needed Brian, and he wanted Brian to be the one, his first, last and always. Justin cleared his throat. He didn't know where that thought had come from. Brian would shit a brick if he knew Justin was thinking like that. And yet… Justin smiled to himself. He might be seventeen and totally inexperienced but he had always known all through his life what he wanted. And when he put his mind to getting something he always was successful. He wouldn't give up just yet.

Brian knew Justin was still seated on the sofa with him. The magical moment they had shared had been ruined when he pulled back. He was sorry about that but he knew he couldn't give Justin what he wanted. And he was beginning to think Justin might want too much from him, more than he would ever be able to give. He really should say something and clear the air, but when emotion was involved words always failed him. He never knew what to say.

Justin cleared his throat. "Brian?"

"I'm still here."

"Why don't you want me?"

That was the sixty-four thousand dollar question! How could he answer that? "It's not that … that I don't want you," Brian said haltingly.

"So you do want me?"

"Yes," Brian gasped amazed that the word had come out of his own mouth.

"I knew you did," Justin said triumphantly.

"But nothing's going to happen," Brian stated flatly.

"Why? What do you mean?"

"Nothing . Is . Going . To . Happen," Brian repeated punctuating each word.

"You think I'm a kid, a baby. You think I don't know what I want. Well, you're wrong!" Justin declared.

"Don't tell me what I think!" Brian reacted.

"Then tell me yourself, because I don't get it!"

"I … I don't do relationships. I … I don't want to hurt you," Brian managed to get out, his voice hardly above a whisper.

"I'm not asking for a relationship," Justin stated even though he knew in his heart that was a lie. He would like nothing better than to have Brian as his boyfriend, but he knew it would probably never happen that way, and he was prepared to simply be Brian's friend. At least that's what he kept telling himself.

"It's easy to say you won't be hurt, but it's not so easy when it happens," Brian said solemnly.

"Are you talking from experience?"

"You could say that … but we were talking about you not me."

"I want you," Justin spat out knowing he had to say it. "I want you to be the one to teach me everything. I want you to be the first." He didn't continue the rest of his thought from a few moments ago. That would really freak Brian out. "If it's over after that, then I can accept it. I won't become a stalker like this guy that's after you now."

Brian snorted. "You would have to bring that up!"

"Why won't you help me?"

"Help you?" Brian snorted. "That's an interesting way of putting it."

"Do it! Help me, or at least fucking tell me why you won't."

"I can't."

"What do you mean you can't?"

"I promised myself that I wouldn't, and I always keep my promises."

"But why?"

"You're here to help me, and I need you and appreciate what you have done for me. I'm not going to betray that trust."

"Don't you sound all high and mighty!" Justin said sarcastically.

"I mean it, Justin. I won't betray that trust, for your sake, for your parents' sake and for my own sake."

"So let me get this straight." Justin said thoughtfully. "While I'm here helping you, while you're blind, you won't fuck me. When you get your sight back, you will?"

This kid was no dummy. He could cut through the bullshit. He knew Brian was really a lowdown dog, but a dog that he wanted. And what was more; Justin seemed prepared to accept that. And that made Brian want him even more, made Brian want to be more than he really was, made Brian refuse to treat Justin like all the others. Christ! Life was complicated sometimes. "Yeah," Brian finally said. What else could he say? They both knew that it was going to happen. He might as well set the timeline.

Justin grinned and then threw himself into Brian's arms. His lips captured Brian's and they kissed once again. This time it was Justin who drew back.

"I can wait," Justin gasped breathless from the kiss. "I've waited seventeen, almost eighteen years. What's a few more days?"

"You've waited not quite two weeks and been most impatient the whole time," Brian reminded him with a wry smile.

"Whatever," Justin said in a cavalier manner. He had Brian's promise that they would fuck when he regained his vision. "I hope your sight continues to improve … quickly."

Brian chuckled. "Me too. Although I have a little more at stake than you do."

"I'm not so sure about that," Justin countered. "This will be a very big step in my life."

"Yes, it will," Brian admitted thoughtfully. "Can we stop talking about this now?"

"Sure, but I don't see why we can't continue with the kissing lessons and maybe some other exploring."

Brian groaned. Talk about a persistent little twat! "I'm going to work on my novel for a bit." Brian hoped that would distract Justin and put him off for a while.

"Are you writing the orgy scene?"

"I don't know yet."

"I could help you with that," Justin suggested with an evil grin. "We could 'explore' that avenue."

"Think you'd like S/M?"

"Don't know yet."

"I don't think it's the place to start with your gay education," Brian cautioned. "Jackson finds that out in my story."

"What happens to him after the orgy?"

"They let him stay the night and use him and abuse him. The next morning he is sore, hardly able to stand up. They throw his clothes at him and tell him to get out."

"That's pretty shitty. His first time should have been a lot better than that."

"What have I been telling you?" Brian had to say.

"But you'd never do anything like that to me," Justin said confidently.

"You don't know me nearly as well as you think you do."

"But you wouldn't…"

"Probably not, but I'm just saying that you have to be careful. Jackson went with someone thinking the guy was nice. Nice is relative and it can cover ulterior motives."

"I see," Justin said thoughtfully. He really did have a lot to learn.

"Go read something … and not my book. It makes you horny."

Justin giggled and went back to the chaise. He took Brian's novel with him. A little more education from its informative pages couldn't be a bad thing.

Brian knew what he wanted to write, and it wasn't the orgy scene. He had been to enough of those. He'd pick one from the past and just describe it. For most people it would be a revelation. For him it was old hat. It was only a small segment of the gay population that was into slings and orgies and S and M.

He put a new tape into his recorder and returned to the sofa. He would need to get some more tapes soon or else get what he had written transcribed so that he could tape over it. He pressed play.

Jackson pulled on his shirt and shoes. He didn't know where his socks had disappeared to, but nobody seemed inclined to help him, so he would leave them wherever they were. He wished he could take a shower. He felt dirty and he hurt all over especially his ass. He had very little recollection of what had happened to him, and maybe that was just as well. He rubbed his wrist which felt sore. He looked at it seeing a bruise clearly beginning to develop. A vision of the sling swept in front of his eyes. "No," he moaned as he grabbed his backpack and ran out of the house.

He ran and ran and ran. He prayed the wind rushing past his face would wipe away the dirt and the hurt and the fear. He knew about Aids and he had no idea if the men who had used him had worn condoms. He prayed they had. He felt so helpless and used and afraid. He was gasping for air as he came to an intersection. He leaned over resting his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. The pain of someone ramming into his ass flooded through him and he knew he was going to be sick. He stumbled over to a nearby tree and threw up all over its base resting his shoulder against the tree as he retched. This was not what he had hoped to find when he came to Pittsburgh.

The smell of his own vomit made him throw up again. He moved away from the tree as soon as his legs would hold him. He walked a little ways down the sidewalk before dropping gingerly down to sit on the curb. His ass throbbed in protest but he ignored it. He was so fucking tired. And what was he going to do? His money was almost gone, and he had nowhere to go, no place to stay. He'd have to sleep in the street or a park. Somebody might mug him or kill him while he slept. He felt his shoulders shaking and heard a strangled sound. He realized that it was him crying in fear and dread. What the fuck was he going to do?

"That's so sad," Justin said from across the room.

"What?"

"What you just dictated. It's sad."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you, Justin," Brian said. "There are hard things out in the world, and you need to protect yourself."

"Is Jackson going to get Aids?"

"He isn't going to live long enough to find out," Brian replied.

"Fuck!"

Suddenly Brian felt very tired. "I think I'll go to bed now," he said standing up.

"Me too," Justin said quickly.

"Make up the sofa," Brian ordered.

"No, please Brian. Let me sleep with you," Justin begged. "Your bed is much more comfortable and I promise to be good."

Brian sighed. He was afraid this was going to happen. Once he had accepted Justin into his bed there was no going back. Brian knew he liked having the boy wrapped up close to him. He had never slept so well as the last couple of nights. "Okay, but no funny business."

"I promise."

"And just what are you promising?" Brian asked. He had learned from long experience that you had to be very specific with promises. He never made them unless he knew exactly what was expected from them and unless they were something he could keep. "I don't want to wake up with your mouth around my dick again." Unfortunately that was exactly how he would like to wake up. Brian shook his head. He had to get rid of those thoughts.

Justin chuckled. "I won't compromise your principles," Justin said. "You know, in the eyes of the law, I'm an adult as far as sex goes."

"Yeah, I know that the age of consent is seventeen, but that's not the problem."

"What is?" Justin asked.

"You and your hormones and … me and mine," Brian said shaking his head. He made his way up to the bathroom and decided to take a shower before getting into bed. That way he'd be ready in the morning when Justin left for school and Cynthia arrived. That was a whole other thing he would have to deal with.

When Brian came out of the bathroom some time later he knew Justin was already in the bed. "Comfortable?" Brian asked with a smirk.

"Very," Justin said watching Brian wrapped in his towel, and then catching a glimpse of what he so desperately wanted as Brian dropped the towel and climbed into bed next to him.

"Brian," Justin said after a minute or so.

"What?"

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"For teaching me some ground rules. For looking out for me. For trying to protect me from what happened to Jackson."

"Jackson's just a fictional character," Brian said finding it hard to accept thanks for protecting the one he wanted to ravish.

"But he's also Jason. And he's also every gay, inexperienced kid who comes to the big city looking for some kind of life."

"Yeah, he is," Brian admitted.

"So thanks," Justin said leaning over and giving Brian a chaste kiss. He snuggled down so his head rested on Brian's chest and his arm lay on Brian's stomach. He just needed to touch the man.

Brian was about to push the boy away, but it felt too right having him there safe and protected and in his arms. He felt Justin wiggle a couple of times, and then his steady breathing told Brian that he had fallen asleep already. Brian cradled the boy gently liking the feel of the warm body, so trusting and sweet. It would be a long time before he got to sleep, but that was okay. He liked where he was, where they both were.