BRIAN 

Jen came by to see if I would consider letting Ben rent my loft for a few months. Apparently Zen Ben needs a place that isn't permanent, guess he's still holding onto the marriage. I told her that he could just use it, it's not like I'm going to need it. I figured I’d check on Ben before going to lunch, it's going to be a while before I can come back to Pittsburgh. I stopped by his office where he was grading papers.

“Want some company?” I ask him. 

“Why not, you're the only one who isn't checking on me.” He tells me.

“Jen stopped by and asked about you staying in the loft. It's fine if you want to use it.” I tell him. 

“It's just so that I have time to decide if I'm making the right decision.” He tells me. 

“Take it from me, you either stay or go. Time is just an excuse.” I tell him. 

“Deb’s trying to get Michael to see Alex Wilder.” He tells me. 

“It's still him talking to someone other than you.” I tell him.

“Michael needs someone that isn’t part of the group to listen to him. He’s isolating himself from people everyday and even if we don’t get back together, I care what happens to him. Last night didn’t help either.” He tells me.

“I know, Emmett called, worried about Michael. He feels horrible about the way it looked, like they didn’t include him in an outing. Like I told Emmett, Michael wouldn’t have been there to celebrate, so it was better not to include him. He needs to see that acting the way he has been is causing his friends to not want him at their events. You don’t need to feel bad either.” I tell him.

“I don’t feel bad about it, I just wish he would wake up and see what he’s doing.” He tells me.

“If Mel and Lindsay could do it, there’s always hope for Michael. I hope you understand that I can’t help him with this.” I tell him.

“You shouldn’t have to help him with anything, it’s time he see how the rest of the world deals with things.” He tells me.

“Then enjoy my loft and call if you have any questions.” I tell him.

“I have one.” He tells me. “Was there ever a time you thought about Michael as anything more?” He asks.

“No. It just wasn’t there for me. I never really wanted more, until Justin. Michael knows that, so you don’t have to worry about it.” I tell him.

“I really always wondered with the way you two could be sometimes.” He tells me.

“I think a lot of people thought the same thing. It’s either there or it isn’t. He never made me want to change anything about my life. If Justin hadn’t shown up, Michael would still be just my friend.” I tell him.

“I wish he could be just your friend, or anyone's.” He tells me.

I get up and leave, I know Michael well enough to know that if he really wanted something he would spend years waiting for it to happen. 

MICHAEL

Alex told me he could see me Monday morning. I dropped Jenny off last night and came home to Hunter packing a bag. He told me that he just needed space and that Daphne was offering her place for a while. I looked around my house and wondered if it was ever going to be the house that my family would live in again.

When I got to Alex’s office I waited outside until it was time for my appointment. I didn’t want to sit around with other people. I was shown in and sat in the chair in front of his desk. Alex came in and closed the door.

“Michael, let’s sit over here on the couches.” He tells me.

“I don’t want to lay down.” I told him.

“You can sit, lay down or pace if you need to, I just like to be comfortable, not sitting at my desk like I’m an authority figure.” He tell me.

I sat on the couch and started looking around. Alex grabbed a pad and sat in front of me.

“So what are you wanting to get out of therapy?” He asks me.

“I thought you would just help me with things everyone else thinks are problems.” I tell him. 

“I like to set goals so you can see progress, or that things are not progressing. You need to remember that I might know who you're talking about, but not the individual issues associated with each person. We can start with one friend and work our way through the cause and I want you to tell me what effect it had on each relationship. It's really up to you how we spend each session. “ He tells me. 

“It all started with Brian moving away.” I tell him. 

“Did he cut off contact with you?” He asks me. 

“No. It's just that from there it's like everything I did was a problem for everyone.” I tell him. 

“Give me an example.” He tells me. 

“It had been a week since he moved and I wanted all of us to see the kids at the same time. I changed my plans to be there when Brian and Justin were, and Lindsay wasn’t happy about it.” I tell him. 

“What was she upset about?” He asks me. 

“I showed up without telling her I was coming. Which she knew anyway, because someone had told her. So then, she turns around and makes plans so that Ben and I were left waiting around all day. Ben wasn’t happy about it, but how was I supposed to know Lindsay would get snippy about it?” I tell him. 

“Have you ever showed up without checking if they wanted more company before?” He asks me. 

“I threw them an anniversary party once as a surprise, but instead I find out they broke up without telling me.” I tell him. 

“So from past experience you saw that doing things without asking could cause issues.” He tells me. 

“If they had told me about breaking up, it wouldn't have happened.” I tell him. 

“Why did they need to tell you a personal matter?” He asks me. 

“Jenny’s my child, so I felt if it affects my daughter, I should know.” I tell him. 

“Were they neglecting Jenny?” He asks me.

“No, but I didn’t want Jenny being raised by a single mother.” I tell him.

“Like you were. Your mother gave me permission to tell you that it really hurt her to hear that you feel single mothers shouldn’t raise children.” He tells me.

“I never meant it to sound like I meant her. She just seemed to take it that way.” He tells me.

“She was a single mother raising you. I agree that children do better in a home with both parents but it’s just not always possible. Was there something about your upbringing that made you view it that way?” He asks me.

“It was just that Ma can be, well Ma. She did things that were embarrassing, but I know she meant well. It would have been nice to have someone else to teach me things other than Ma.” I tell him.

“What do you think the other person could have taught you?” He asks me.

“I don’t know, just like guy stuff.” I tell him.

“She gave you love, food, and shelter, that’s really some of the biggest things that any parent can do.” He tell me.

“I wanted that for Jenny too.” I tell him.

“Which she gets with her mother, doesn’t she?” He asks me.

“Yes, but they came to me for a child and made it sound like they were raising it together. Which they didn’t for a while.” I tell him.

“This was when you sued for custody?” He asks me.

“I thought that with the house we just bought and the fact that Ben and I were married, that it was a better life than what Mel would be providing. It wasn’t until Brian hired Lindsay a lawyer that I was suddenly a pornographer, living with two HIV positive people that my case looked bad. Lindsay gets an idea then we all pay for it.” He tells me.

“She was fighting for her rights to Jenny?” He asks me.

“She thought that she needed to make everyone look bad but her.” I tell him.

“You were happy to have her as one of the mothers at first, weren’t you?” He asks me.

“I guess, but in a way, Lindsay seems to cause a lot of problems.” I tell him. 

“How so?” He asks me.

“She’s the one that convinced Justin and Brian that Justin had to be in New York. I’m sure she’s probably the one that wants to move to New York instead of Mel.” I tell him.

“How is she causing your problems?” He asks me.

“If Justin had stayed here than everyone would have come back here. I wonder if Mel realizes that she’s giving up everything to follow Lindsay around.” I tell him.

“Spouses usually do what’s best for the other.” He tell me.

“I wouldn’t move if Ben wanted to. I think it’s stupid to give up stability for the unknown.” I tell him.

“Most people see it as moving forward to new and hopefully better things. It doesn’t always work, but in a lot of cases it does.” He tell me.

“They could all just stay here and then we’d all be like we were.” I tell him.

“Which is something you need to accept, that as we grow, our lives will change. When you got married didn’t you have to change some things in your life?” He ask me.

“I moved to a house Ben wanted and made friends with the people around us. Ben seemed to like getting away from the club scene.” I tell him.

“How did you feel about that?” He asks me.

“I liked the neighborhood and the way life was different there. It’s just that my friends were still into the club scene and Brian was giving me a hard time about it.” I tell him.

“How was he giving you a hard time?” He asks me.

“He threw a superhero theme night and I didn’t show up because I had Jenny that night. I sort of told him I would go if he came to dinner at my house. He came, and ended up saying shit that made me regret inviting him, so in a way not showing up was my way of letting him know that I wasn’t happy about what he did.” I tell him.

“Michael, I want you to think of what you did to cause problems. When you answer, you need to answer starting with, ‘One of the reasons my friendships are strained is because I’ then fill in the rest of the sentence.” He tells me.

“One of the reasons my friendships are strained is because I... Why do you want me to say it that way?” I ask him.

“So far I’ve heard all about the reasons you feel your friends are the problem, but not once have you told me what you see as your issues. We need to work together to get your issues under control.” He tell me.

“I just don’t really know how to answer that, other than Ben leaving because he thinks I’m avoiding tell him things. I don’t tell him because he can’t help what bothers me.” I tell him.

“Which is what?” Alex asks me

“That because he’s HIV positive he will probably leave me alone one day.” I answer.

“Why did you marry him if HIV is an issue for you?” He asks me.

“It’s not. Vic lived with it and I know that it’s just a horrible disease. I always thought that if something were to happen to Ben, than I would have my friends to help me through it.” I tell him.   

“They could still be there for you even if they don’t live here.” He tells me.

“Maybe, but I can’t just go to them.” I tell him.

“Why not, planes, trains, cars, and buses go anywhere you want to go?” He tells me.

“It’s just not the same.” I tell him.

“Our time is up, but I want you to think about that sentence and see if you could come up with a way to complete it.” He tell me.

I get up and wonder why he wants me find something to blame myself for, it’s not my fault everyone is acting like I did something wrong.