Chapter 10  Be The Change You Want To See

As he entered, Brian looked around what he could see of the living area. His senses were flooded seeing so many things that were so uniquely Justin, yet with the simple clean lines that the loft they shared together was known for. The room was such a visual combination of the two of them that Brian couldn’t help but smile.

“Nice.” Brian stated simply. “Now, as I was saying, I know you still love me, Sunshine.”

Trying unsuccessfully to keep his lips from turning up into a smile, Justin replied, “of course I do. I love you, Brian. Is that what you needed to hear. There I said it. And…I believe you love me, too. I could see it in your eyes. I don’t doubt that anymore. It doesn’t change anything, though. You have your life, I have mine, and we are still the same people, with the same issues.”

“Now, since you’re here, in my home, why don’t I give you the three cent tour? I did just what you asked me to, Brian,” he continued smugly when Brian’s brow rose in query. “I became the best homosexual I could possibly be, became everything you ever wanted from me.”

“Not everything,” Brian’s lips curled inward as he walked toward the blond.

Clearing his throat, Justin stepped back and into the living room, pointing out a few things as he then showed Brian through the rest of the space on the first floor, including the half bath just behind the pantry door.

As they circled around and approached the stairway leading up to the second floor, Brian gasped, as he reached out to pick up the small, and partially hidden picture of himself holding Gus on the night he was born. Taking the framed photo out of Brian’s hands and replacing it in the open curio cabinet where he had found it, Justin’s ears and cheeks took on a slightly darker hue as he divulged, “I like to surround myself with things that define me, things that shaped me into who I am today.”

“Um, hmm. I’d like to surround you with something that has shaped you into who you are today,” Brian teased.

“Really, Brian?” Justin admonished.

“What?” Brian exclaimed, feigning innocence. “I am merely enjoying the tour. Do go on.”

Walking up the stairs, Justin rolled his eyes as he half turned, only to find Brian still standing at the bottom, avidly watching him from behind, licking his lips lasciviously.

When they both finally reached the second floor landing, Justin pointed the way to the stairwell leading up to his studio space. “The only thing on this floor are the bedrooms, each with ensuite bathrooms. You’ll just have to use your imagination for those.”

Pouting slightly, Brian mused, “oh, I hope that more than my imagination finds work on this floor, Sunshine.” The older man pushed his tongue tightly against his cheek to keep himself from laughing out loud, as Justin scowled at him, unable to keep his face from showing how perturbed he was becoming.

“Listen, Brian,” Justin huffed, settling himself into the tufted settee along the wall. “I don’t know what it is you’re trying to do here, but this is not a joke to me. Yes, I love you. I never stopped loving you. It almost killed me when you walked away all those years ago, and it took me a really long time to get my life back, to be able to function. I know you love me. There is not a doubt in my mind. No one, not even the great Brian Kinney, could act their way through what we shared the other night. The fact remains, though, that we live very different lives, in very different places, and that isn’t likely to change anytime soon.”

“Justin, I told you that I turned the agency over to Cynthia and Ted. I can work anywhere. WE can go anywhere.” Brian sat in the matching wingback chair, knowing there was no way he could resist pulling Justin into his arms if he sat too close.

Leaning forward with his forearms across his knees, Brian looked into Justin’s eyes. “I’ve been miserable without you, Justin. I love you and you just admitted that you love me. What I have never, ever, told you before, though, Justin, is that I NEED you. I don’t know how to be me anymore without you.”

Justin froze, lips parted in astonishment. Had he really just heard that?

“What the fuck do you want from me here, Brian? I’m not talking about geography for fuck sake. We did the long distance thing, and it could have worked. Hell, it did work, when we both wanted the same things. How the fuck can you now stand here and tell me you needed me when you are the one who walked away? I would have given you anything back then. In fact, I did give you everything. I gave you the one thing that almost killed me, I gave you your freedom when you asked for it. I loved you enough to let you walk away from me.”

“Do you have any idea what that did to me, Brian? Did it even occur to you how that would make me feel? How devastating it was to find that you were right all along and love was bullshit? Think about it Brian. There have been two men in my life who told me with their words, and actions, that they loved me enough to take care of me, and then took it back. First my father, and then you. For both of you, as soon as the cost became more than you could bear, you ripped it away leaving scars behind that I have had to deal with ever since. For my father, it was his reputation. He couldn’t stand the effect on his precious social standing caused by having a gay son. It hurt, but I got past it. Then you made it clear that being with me was not worth the cost, time and trouble it took to keep our long distance relationship going.”

“All this time, I thought it was just that being with me was simply not enough, not worth the price to you to keep this thing going between us. Now you tell me that none of that was true? I don’t know what to believe any more, Brian. The only two things I could ever be sure of with you were how great we were…we ARE… in bed, and that no matter how much it hurt, you would never lie to me. Now I don’t even have that and yet you want me to throw caution to the wind and try to grasp onto a past that can’t even claim the shaky foundation it was originally built on.”

“If it wasn’t about the struggles of a long distance thing, why, Brian? Why did you push me away that last time? Huh? There is not a second of that day that hasn’t played itself over and over in my head a thousand times. I was devastated for such a long time.”

Brian looked down, unable to look at the deep anguish he saw on the face of the man he loved more than anyone in this world other than his son. “You have to know, Justin, that you have always been worth it. That day I gave up everything... I had to, don’t you see? I had to be sure you had every chance to be the big fat fucking success you have become, without me holding you back. You were talking about wanting to come home, about giving all this up, for me.”

“Then I came here that day and saw you with the bike courier guy, laughing with him, and it just solidified it for me. I thought you’d be better off if I left you... so you could be the big fucking success you are now. Accomplished, world renowned, and with someone your own age to share it with.’

“What the fuck are you talking about, Brian?” Justin spit out, trying to remember the name of that kid who delivered his small canvases, as he laughed at the irony that Brian Kinney had been jealous of a shy, skinny teenager who had never been on his radar at all, far less garnered even a moment of attraction or attention, other than a laugh or two.

“I didn’t need you in order to make something out of my talent, Brian. I never did. I think I’ve shown that I can be a great big fucking success with or without you!” Justin stopped ranting just long enough to catch his breath, and noticed Brian wincing at his words.

“You tell me it was all for me,” Justin continued, standing now to make his point. “That’s bullshit. You never asked me what I needed. You were so full of yourself, so sure you had all the answers, that you didn’t stop to hear what it was that I wanted. I wasn’t trying to get home for you… I was coming home for me. I was so fucking lonely that I ached. Did you ever stop for even a minute to think about what that would do to me when you forbid it; how that made me feel? The only thing I was missing, that I yearned for to the depths of my soul, was to know that at the end of each day I could come home to you. I needed to know that you would wrap your arms around me and, no matter what, my world would be ok. Why couldn’t you understand, you were my everything?”

“I haven’t been able to find someone to share my life with, as you put it, because I can’t ever let myself need like that again. After you rejected me, I knew that I could never put myself in that position again, could never trust someone enough to let that happen.”

“Now you say that you deceived me by pushing me away and not telling me the real reason why. You insist that all this time it has been killing you piece by piece, as much as it has me, and yet you kept up the ruse! For what, Brian? What does that tell you? Through all of this, even after all the pain we’ve been through, you still somehow think you know what’s best for me and have the right to impose your will without including me in the decision. I have no doubt that we could do it all again, and for a while it would be great, fantastic even. Just thinking about it makes me want things I can’t afford to. How long would it last, though? How long until you get sick or hurt, or your damn insecurities override all common sense and you once again decide that what I need is something you can’t give me, and the right thing is for you to rip my fucking heart out and stomp what little is left of it to shreds? I can’t put myself through it again, Brian. Next time you push me off the famous Kinney cliff, I don’t think I will survive.”

Brian could hardly believe his ears. Justin, his Justin, not only still loved him, but would always love him, and had never let anyone else into his life the same way they had shared. What should have made him the happiest man on the face of the earth, though, instead nearly toppled him with regret.

“Please, Sunshine, listen to me. I don’t want to walk away – I don’t ever want to let you go again. I’ve learned some hard lessons. I can’t deny anymore how I feel about you, or how much I need you.”

“Yes, Brian, some things have changed. You believe in more than fucking. After all this time, Brian Kinney actually believes in love, but it terrifies you. I saw the fear in your eyes just the other night. So you hold back pieces of yourself to get back in control, and then throw me away when it gets too hard to manage. The problem isn’t that you don’t believe in love, it's that what you don’t believe in is yourself or that you deserve to be loved, and because of that, you don’t know how to believe in me. I can’t do it, Brian.”

“I’m so fucking sorry, Justin. I never wanted you to feel like this. I love you, so fucking much.” He stood and wrapped his arms around the younger man, who fell effortlessly into his embrace, both loath to let go.

“I know, Brian. Believe me, I’m sorry too. More than you’ll ever know.”

Abruptly, Brian took a step back, still close enough to place a chaste kiss on Justin’s forehead. “I’m not giving up,” he said, as he leaned his own head on Justin’s for just a moment, then just as quickly turned away and walked down the stairs and out of the townhouse.