Chapter 12  - Deafening Hush

Knowing that he had hours until he could meet Justin at the deli, Brian tried to think of a way to pass the time without losing his mind in the process.

He didn’t have any pressing agency work that would keep him occupied enough, reading a book was completely out of the question, and TV wouldn’t distract him from the jumble that was going on in his head at the moment.

Music soothes the savage…or something like that, he’d heard. So, he logged into Pandora as he changed from the dress pants and gray cashmere sweater with short leather sport coat, to black jeans, a green Armani pullover and ankle boots.

Only three songs in, he heard Bryan Adams, singing ‘Please Forgive Me’, and began to sing along. Several songs later, he realized with a start that he still had that same song running over and over through his head.

Pulling a blank CD out of his briefcase, he sat down to make a copy of the song for Justin, realizing that this song says so much of what he needed the blond to hear.

It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss
It's getting better baby
No one can better this
Still holding on
You're still the one
First time our eyes met
Same feeling I get
Only feels much stronger
I want to love you longer
Do you still turn the fire on?

publisher: ©Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
writers: Bryan Adams, Robert John Lange

Oh yes, Sunshine, it felt like the first night, only so very much stronger.

/bj/

Brian looked up from his coffee cup as the bell rang, signalling that someone had entered the deli. He knew it was Justin before he even saw him; somehow he felt it.

He smiled, a soft, intimate smile that only Justin knew, and welcomed the younger man with his eyes.

As Justin approached, he said, “hey, how’d the rest of the show go? I bet that every piece in that place has as sticker on it already.”

Pulling the chair out and placing his jacket over the back, Justin softly responded, “I’ll be right back. Let me just grab something to eat.”

“Already on its way, Sunshine. I bribed the waiter to start preparing it as soon as you arrived. It should be here any minute. I’m pretty good at knowing what you like,” Brian stated smartly.

“Brian,” Justin began flatly. “What’s going on? Why did you need to see me? You sounded so…” he tried unsuccessfully to think of a word that didn’t sound exactly like desperate, the word that had immediately come to his head. This conversation would be over before it began if he even dared to use that word.

“Drawn and quartered? Is that the phrase you were looking for, Sunshine? ‘Cause it sure as hell is what I felt like when I left there tonight. Shit, Justin, is that really what you see when you look at me?” To his chagrin, he once more found his eyes filling up, and had to turn his head away to regain his composure. “I’ve spent my whole life making sure my walls are up so no one ever sees inside me that way. Never worked with you, did it?”

“I’ve learned to read what others miss. Yeah. I lost it for a long time after the bashing, and I’m sure that’s where some of our, uh, stuff, started. Still, I can still see a lot of what you try to hide. That’s why I know our night together was real - that you mean it - now, at least.”

“Then, how can you doubt, Justin? It was all there. All the things I wouldn’t even admit to myself back then. I’ve never given that much away, opened myself up like that. Not with anyone. Not even with you. How can you say I don’t trust in you, don’t believe in us, when it was all there on my face? What the fuck will it take for you to accept it as true. I have nothing more to give.”

Brian felt a lone tear travel down his cheek, and for the first time in his entire life, he didn’t care who saw it.

“Still,” he continued, “with all that being shouted at you at the same time, I guess it’s really no wonder that you couldn’t hear what was being said. What was it you called it. ‘Cacophony’? Raucous is more like it. Confusion. Noise. I really am that fucked up, I guess. And you, oh clever one, managed to put it all out there on canvas. Even I can’t deny it.”

“I looked at that painting tonight, Justin, and realized that I’ve given you all I am. It’s not pretty, and it’s not organized. It doesn’t fit into any cubbyhole that has ever been invented. Its messy and baffling, and I want nothing more than to give it all to you. Forever. But, I understand if it’s too much. Hell, there’s not a person on the face of this earth who could put all that together and find something beautiful in it. Except you. Somehow you did it. You took all the broken pieces of who I am, rolled it all together, and made something so fucking stunning that I couldn’t even look at it.”

“I knew from the moment we met, Justin, that my life was never gonna’ be the same. I knew it, but I tried to deny it. I tried to escape it. And I tried to outrun it. I’m a better man because of you, and I’m done running. It’s so much a part of who I am now that I couldn’t hide from it if I tried. So, you decide, Justin. It’s all up to you. I’m yours if you’ll have me. If not, I’ll never regret it. I am what I am because one little blond twink took all the parts of me and made me into who I am. I love you with a ferocity that I didn’t think I was capable of. You know how to reach me. “

With that, Brian got up, threw some bills on the table, and left.

Justin stared at his food, blinked back his own tears, and sat in that same space until he couldn’t sit there anymore. Then, he packed up his things and went home.

/bj/

The next morning, Justin woke up early, unable to keep his rambling thoughts from interrupting his sleep. He had breakfast, made a few calls, and then went to his bag to check what he needed to gather for his day.

He felt the strange object immediately and removed the CD in curiosity. When the hell had Brian had a moment to place this case in his bag? He couldn’t stop smiling, even though he figured it was simply another of Brian’s grand gestures.

The difference, however, is that along with the gesture, and the beautiful lyrics, he couldn’t get Brian’s actual words out of his mind. First of all, he didn’t think he had ever heard Brian say quite that many words in a row before, ever in his life. The words themselves, though, were what he could not stop thinking about.

He wanted nothing more than to go to Brian, hold him close and tell him that, yes, he saw the beauty, and wanted to grab ahold of it and live out their days. He wanted to believe that Brian had really changed. Still, even after all that had been said, his heart was guarded.

He laughed to himself. How funny that things were now reversed. Brian Kinney was now willing to give him all he had to give, and Justin was the one with the walls up.

Could he do it? What would happen when at the first little flicker of insecurity Brian would send him packing again. Who would pick up his pieces and set them right again?

Could he not do it, that was more the question. Because Brian had gutted himself, flayed himself open in the most astonishing way, and now desperately needed to know that it was worth it. That his worst fears were not true. That he did deserve to be loved.

Deciding he needed to be sure before he acted, Justin went up onto the rooftop garden to meditate and make some decisions.

About a half hour later, his phone rang, and a number he didn’t recognize came up on his caller ID.

“Justin Taylor” he spoke into the phone. “How can I help you?”

“Justin. Thank God I reached you. I hate to have to do it this way, but I can’t get there for another three hours, and he needs you now,” Cynthia nearly shouted into the phone.

“Who needs me. Who is this? What the fuck is this about?” frustration made Justin bypass his country club upbringing for a moment as he tried to figure out just what the fuck this was about.

“I’m sorry, Justin. I’m not thinking straight. Its Cynthia. I need you to listen to me. Brian has been in an accident.”

“What? What kind of accident? Is he alright? Where is he?”

“Justin. JUSTIN. Listen to me. We don’t have time for you to freak out here. I think they said an old lady fell asleep at the wheel, and her car jumped the curb. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that Brian was hit by a car. They say he lost consciousness in the ambulance, and needs surgery, so I need you to get to New York Presbyterian Hospital now. Do you have a fax machine?”

“Yeah, in the office. The number is 212-777-7777. Let me just grab my keys, hang up, and call a cab.”

“Wait, Justin. You need to wait for the fax. They won’t let you sign for him without it. “

“What? I can’t sign for him. You need papers to do that, don’t you? This can’t be happening,“ Justin was beginning to hyperventilate, and sat down for a moment to get his bearings.

“That’s what I am going to send you. I sent a copy to the hospital, but I want you to have a copy as well in case the person you speak to doesn’t have it. Call there first, I will send their number by fax as well. They can tell you what he needs and get your consent over the phone.”

“Cynthia, what the fuck are you talking about? What are you sending me a copy of? Who has his POA? That’s who you need to be talking to, not me.”

“That’s exactly what I AM doing, Justin. You have his POA. There is also a letter attached that he told me to send along should it ever be needed. I don’t know what’s on it, but I’m sure it will tell you all you need. Please, Justin. Hang up now and let me send this to you so you can contact them and get over there. “

“Yeah, uh, ok, bye.”

“Oh, and Justin? Call me later, will you?”

“Uh, sure. I’ll do that. Yeah. I can do that. Bye”

Justin hung up the phone and ran into his office to retrieve the paperwork that he could already hear coming through on his machine.

He still had Brian’s medical proxy? Fuck. Had Brian never changed it? Mikey was gonna’ blow a fucking gasket. He grabbed the sheets off the machine and quickly found the number for the hospital, calling it as he gathered his things.

“Yes, this is Justin Taylor. I hold the medical proxy for one of your patients, Brian Kinney. I am told he needs surgery, but I don’t know anything other than that. Can you please help me?”

“Yes sir, let me put you in touch with the surgical staging, and they can help you with this. Hold one moment please. “

“Hello, this is Janine in surgical staging, how can I help you?”

Justin repeated the information he had given the helpful young lady who had first answered his call, and Janine quickly spoke to the surgeon on the case. “It seems that Mr. Kinney still has not regained consciousness and is receiving medication through his IV. Tests show that there is no dangerous brain swelling or immediate urgency, and we can wait until you arrive to sign the necessary paperwork to consent for his surgery. There is no internal bleeding, and the main concern at the moment is a compound fracture of his femur. I will let you talk to the anesthesiologist to give them the ok for anesthesia, and then you can talk to the surgeon to consent for the surgery. Since we have a copy of your medical proxy for Mr. Kinney, we can get this over the phone in case for some reason they feel they need to begin before you arrive.”

Having given his consent and made the arrangements as needed, Justin called Uber to arrange transport as soon as possible. As he waited, he looked over the paperwork that Cynthia had faxed to him.

The POA/medical proxy was indeed the same one that they had signed before he moved to New York. How very like Brian to not consider updating his fucking paperwork in five fucking years. ‘Jesus, Brian,’ he thought.

Folding and placing it in his bag, then looked at the third paper attached.

Brian’s distinctive handwriting appeared before him…

Justin – I am so sorry that you had to be brought into this. If you are reading this, then I must be in need of medical care that I cannot consent to on my own. I know you are probably cursing me right now, but truly, there is really no one else in my life that I trust to follow through with my wishes. I know this puts you in a terrible position, but I have no doubt that I can count on you to do what you need to do. Again, I am so sorry. Thank you. B

Justin was still staring at the sheet of paper when the horn sounded in front of the townhouse.  Brian had never changed his proxy; on purpose. He respected Justin enough to trust him to make the right decisions for him, even though they’d had no contact in over five years.