Chapter 13   Declaration of Faith

Brian opened his eyes slowly and groaned in pain as he attempted to push himself into a more comfortable position.

The first thing he was aware of, other than the excruciating throbbing in his leg, was the fact that his hand was being held tightly. He looked over to see the most precious sight he could have woken up to. There was his blond, concern written on his face, as he jumped up to stand at his bedside.

“Hey,” Brian whispered, his voice strangely rough, having only had the breathing tube from his surgery taken out a short time before.

“Hey, yourself,” Justin smiled down at him. “Try not to move. You’ve had surgery, and your leg is wrapped and in traction. Are you in a lot of pain? I can get the nurse to give you something for it.”

“Hurts like a bitch. Jesus. What happened?” Brian looked so lost and confused that Justin couldn’t help but reach out to comfort him.

“We can talk about that in a bit. Right now, let me go see what they can do to make you more comfortable,” Justin said as he walked towards the door.

“Justin! Please don’t go.” Justin could hear the panic in Brian’s voice.

“It’s ok, Bri. I’ll be back as soon as the nurse is done checking you and giving you some pain relief. I’m not going anywhere, I promise!” Justin assured the distressed man, as he left the room to locate the young nurse who had told him to let her know when Brian was awake, so she could do his post-operative care.

/bj/

Justin sat in the waiting room contemplating the last few hours. Brian had purposely kept him as his POA. He had made a decision that if the need arose, he would still give up the ultimate control to his former lover.

He thought back to all he had said to Brian over the last couple of days. How he didn’t think Brian had ever trusted him, or thought he was capable of making decisions on his own. Yet even though they were apart, Brian had trusted him with his very life.

Was it possible that Brian had reached a place in his life where he could not only acknowledge his love and need for Justin, but also that he believed that Justin could be counted on to make the right choices and do what needed to be done to take care of Brian?

As he pondered what this might mean, Cynthia arrived and sat quietly beside him.

“Hi Justin, thanks for calling me to let me know he was out of surgery. How’s he doing?”

Justin turned to look at her, a slight smile on his weary face. “He came to a few minutes ago. He was in a lot of pain, but that’s to be expected. The nurse is in with him now. I spoke to the surgeon, and he said he doesn’t expect there to be any complications. Other than his leg, and some bruising on his hip and side, there doesn’t seem to be any other damage. We can see him as soon as the staff does his post-operative care.”

The two sat awkwardly for a few moments, neither sure what to say next. Cynthia was the first to break the silence. “He still loves you, you know?” Justin just stared at her in surprise. She went on to say, “after he left you all those years ago, he was never the same. He couldn’t tell anyone about how much he was hurting, so he kept it all inside. He wasn’t going out to the same places he used to, everywhere reminded him of you. So he would get drunk in the office, all alone, and pour his heart out to me, never remembering the next day how much he had revealed. He thought he had done what you needed him to do to get your shot at success. He didn’t think he was worth risking you not getting your chance at happiness and your dreams fulfilled. His parents, Lindz, Michael, hell, even Debbie, showed him time and again that his worth was in what he could provide for them. He grieved losing you, but he truly thought the only thing he had to offer you was to let you go.”

/bj/

Several hours later, Justin was walking down the hall, having just come back from the cafeteria. As he was about to enter the room, he stopped short as he heard Brian yelling at someone. About to burst in to see what was going on, Justin stopped short as he heard…

“How the fuck can you still spout that shit about being my best friend, Mikey, when you don’t fucking know me at all? I was wrong to walk away all those years ago, Mikey. I thought back then I could be ok, that he would be ok, and I was so very, very, fucking wrong. But I’m not ok Mikey. I haven’t been ok in five years. And you know what else… neither is he. I made the biggest fucking mistake of my life, and I’ll do whatever it takes to undo it. If you can’t handle that, well then, maybe you’re not only not the friend I thought you were, but not my friend at all.” With that, Brain slammed down the phone on the bedside table, and Justin just stood at the door, stunned.

Brian saw movement out of the corner of his eye, and looked over at Justin, a sheepish look on his face. “I guess you heard some of that, Sunshine,” he stated bashfully, once again out of character for the man Justin knew from the past.

“Um, yeah, pretty much most of it. Sorry. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop.” Justin feared the reaction that Brian might have to knowing that his conversation had been overheard. “Can I ask you something?” He figured he might as well get through the question he needed to ask while Brian was already dealing with his innermost feelings being exposed.

“What do you need to know, Justin? You can ask me anything. I’ll do my best to answer anything you need to know.”

“Why did you never change your POA? It’s not that I mind at all, in fact, I’m honored,” Justin quickly added when he saw Brian start to bristle, obviously thinking Justin was bothered by the obligation. “It’s just that I’m surprised, is all.”

Brian struggled, hoping to find words that Justin would not only hear, but believe. “You say I never trusted you, Justin, but the truth is that there is no one in the world that I trust as much as you. I have let you see parts of me that I have never shown to anyone before. You know me so well, and I knew that you and you alone would make the best decision for me, should I ever need you to. Everyone else in my life would choose whatever was right for themselves, but you always put me first.”

“I thought that was what I was doing for you as well. I didn’t think I could give you what you need, what you deserve, and deep down, I guess I still think that. Most of all though, I thought that gave me the right to choose for you, that what I thought you needed was somehow more important than what you believe you need. I’m sorry, Sunshine, that I didn’t give you a voice. We’ve wasted so much time, and I’m to blame. By taking away your choices, I made you feel unappreciated and not valued. I never want you to feel less than… anything with me. I’m so sorry, Justin. Can you please forgive me? I need you in my life. Please, will you come back to me?”

Justin could barely believe what he was hearing. Did Brian Kinney actually just not only admit to being vulnerable, but admit that he was wrong? He had said it to Mikey, and now he was saying it to Justin. Never in a million years did Justin ever think he would hear those words.

“Brian, I love you. I do. I always have. I always will. You need to hear, though, that I can’t be a token for you to take care of, to shield. I’m not a child that needs to be protected. I need a partner, and to know that what I think matters, that what I WANT matters. I know now that pushing me away all those years ago, while it seemed selfish at the time, was really the only way you knew to show your love without making you want to run for the hills. It was the only way for you to really feel worthwhile, because sadly, you can’t imagine anyone truly choosing you.”

Brian gazed at the man in front of him, hope and fear and love clearly written on his face. “What are you saying, Justin?”

“Before I answer that, I need to ask for your forgiveness as well. You didn’t do all the fucking up in our relationship, Brian. I know I hurt you. When I went to L.A., when I left you for… him... when I came to New York. Then, for years I blamed you for walking away that day, but I didn’t do anything to beg you to stay. I should have held my ground and told you, as well as everyone else, that nothing was more important than you, that you are my everything. Then maybe you would have trusted my love.”

“So, what I am saying is, whether I come back to the Pitts or you move here or we travel around the whole fucking world, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we know that even when the rest of the world lets us down, we can count on each other. Sure, we will disappoint each other at times, but if we agree to never, ever walk away from each other again, nothing can stop us. The most important gift you have given me today, Brian, is a choice. And given a choice, I will always choose you!”