Brian woke up irritated and on edge. He felt unrefreshed and unsatisfied. Neither of these states of mind were what one would usually expect after a night spent in a posh hotel, in a lush bed covered in the most luxurious bedding, after having sex with a hot guy who had not surprisingly responded to his vague but effective proposition the night before.

He lay in bed thinking back to the uninspiring fuck he had experienced with…whatever the fuck his name was. He had no recollection about whether or not the doorman had introduced himself before they got busy, and found that he really didn’t give a damn.

As his morning wood throbbed even more intensely than usual, his thoughts wandered back to how lackluster their coupling had been. Sure he had come last night. Hell, by the time the man had knocked on his hotel room door he had been so horny that he could have gotten off rutting against the bedpost. Besides that, the encounter had not been completely without pleasure, nor had the guy been a total dud in bed.

Still, their tryst had barely scratched the surface of the unbridled need lurking deep within him, and he found himself as horny as he had been before they began, perhaps even more so if that was possible. He had even uncharacteristically allowed the man to remain for a second run once they had gotten their breathing back under control from the first release.

The guy had skills, and any other time he would have more than appreciated the talents the man had displayed. But this was New York, and here in New York, nothing was going to be good enough, especially after his previous afternoon’s contemplations.

He was always a considerate lover, and had done his best to show the man a good time, but when the doorman had turned to lean in, intent on kissing the brunette’s tempting lips, Brian knew that the time had come to show the man the door. Kissing was a luxury he rarely engaged in, and there was no way in hell it was going to happen here with all the memories of Justin running rampant in his mind.

Still, the doorman had seemed to leave happy, completely unaware of the distress of the man who had made him see stars only minutes earlier.

“Fuck,” he said to himself. He wanted nothing more than to leave this fucking city and its constant reminders of Justin. Well... maybe he wanted one thing more, but that was the one thing he could never have, so there was no point in dwelling on it.

He showered, stroking his hard and leaking cock, once again attempting unsuccessfully to relieve the unrelenting throbbing. Still frustrated after his release, he dried himself off, shaved, and then quickly dressed so he could get on with his day and try to find a way to get his mind off the unquenchable desire that would not be denied.

He chose a pair of charcoal gray trousers with a shirt in a slightly lighter shade of gray, and a brilliant teal blue tie. He caught his reflection in the mirror as he walked out the door, and knew he looked hot. He tried to steel himself against the turmoil raging inside him. His clients deserved his best, and that meant finding a way to focus completely on the job at hand throughout his meetings this morning.

/~/

Walking into the conference room that Josie, the hotel meeting planner, had set up for his series of consultations today, Brian concentrated on the paperwork he had set before him. His first three sessions had been with individual company representatives, reviewing their existing marketing strategies, and helping them to think outside of the box to embrace the more trendy concepts that he had found to be successful with similar companies he had worked with.

The meetings had gone well, and he was hoping the momentum would carry him through his next much larger session, which was a multi-company symposium. As he reviewed his notes once more before the arrival of the eighty or so attendees expected to be present, Josie’s assistant began to set up the room according to what Brian and Josie had agreed on.

Since the conference was scheduled for 1pm, they had decided to forego a formal lunch, opting instead for a canapé menu, which included fruit and vegetable options, as well as a few light protein selections to satisfy every palate. He briefly looked over the display to be sure that the choices were set out according to his specifications.

Tables were set up along one wall in the room he had occupied all morning, and he could hear the staff setting up chairs in an adjacent space that also functioned as a private conference room in its own right. The wall between the two areas was actually a soundproof partition, which when folded vertically and secured in the hidden wall compartment, opened the room up for larger gatherings such as the one Brian had planned.

He always sought to offer the best to his clients, so it was no surprise that he would reserve the most elite conference room the hotel had to offer. Also, Brian knew, those who frequented the most elite venues expected nothing but the best.

Still, nothing could have prepared him for what he saw when he looked up, having heard the mechanism slide the room divider aside.

The best was exactly what he now saw before him, and he could no more deny that he would recognize any work done by the ubiquitous Justin Taylor, than he could deny his own name.

There, at what would be directly behind the head of the conference room table when the room was set up as such, was an exquisite masterpiece. It was an explosion of golds and blues and muted tans, that although considered neutral colors were anything but ordinary in the brilliance of texture and placement.

The splash of burgundy off to one side could almost be considered an afterthought to anyone who didn't know what they were looking for, but Brian knew only too well that nothing happened by chance in a work done by Justin Taylor. His stomach clenched at the thought that he had been apart from Justin for so long that he had no idea what that splash meant.  There was a time when he could look at any painting that Justin had produced and know exactly what was going on in the boy’s mind when he painted it.

He felt unsettled, even more so than he had since arriving in here in the city he used to love. This entire visit had been a clusterfuck of unwelcome emotions and uninvited memories. More than anything, he wanted to get through his current business in NY and get the hell out of there so that he could go back to the life where he had learned to just barely endure the normal level of pain his life now contained.  

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and that seemed to really prove true whenever he returned after any extended trip away from the Pitts. Whenever he got back to town, men would be lined up once again for a chance to spend just one night with Brian ‘Fucking’ Kinney.

He was planning a few weeks at home after this trip, and he knew that his pain management techniques were never so successful as they were there. Back in Pittsburgh, where everything was familiar, and he was still the most sought after stud of Liberty Avenue, he could regroup, and then he could rim and suck,  play and fuck without missing a beat. Only then, perhaps, would he be able to exorcise the beast currently taking up residence within his soul.

He was thirsty in a way that only happened when he thought of Justin. As long as he stayed here, nothing was going to quench that thirst except for an encounter that could never be.

In the moments before his speaking engagement began, Brian reluctantly allowed himself to remember the time when his own actions had made quite sure that that was so.

/~/

Unable to push his thoughts aside after seeing the canvas before him, Brian thought back to the last time he had talked to Justin.

Justin had been insisting more and more often that it was time for him to come home to Pittsburgh. Some days it seemed it was all the blond thought about, and Brian feared that it was keeping him from giving all he had to becoming a big fat fucking success here in New York. Things were really beginning to happen for the young artist, but not as quickly as either of them had originally hoped.

He had to do something. He would have to be the strong one. He just couldn’t let Justin give up his chance for his art career to take off as Brian had absolutely no doubt that it would.

On top of that, even with the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Brian still thought that Justin would be much better off finding someone his own age, someone who could share the day to day ups and downs of this process and focus all of his attention on making Justin the center of his world.

While Justin was, and always would be, the most important person in Brian’s world, and fuck if he could still figure out how the hell that had happened, he knew that the difference in their age, their station, and their experience would always be the one thing that kept Justin from being able to have the type of relationship that he deserved.

As much as he now loved the twink who would not be stopped, he was never going to be the ‘one man only, flowers and romance, white picket fence and let’s have a family’ partner that deep in his heart he truly believed Justin still wished he were.

So, that morning, he had told Justin that he had errands to run while he was at his studio, and had taken the time to pack up all of his things, every little thing he had ever brought with him to New York. He wondered to himself as he did how the fuck he had accumulated so much stuff, without even realizing that this place had become a second home to him through the years.

As he packed, the tears ran down his face, and he realized with a broken heart that somehow, without him even being aware, home for him had become wherever Justin was. Justin, who loved him with a fierceness and intensity that he never could have prepared himself for, but who deserved so much more than Brian could ever give him.

No one had ever loved him like that before. No one had ever put his needs first, loved him without condition, and made him feel safe and content no matter what crap he threw back, as he dealt with the aftermath of a life that had taught him eventually everything you love brings hurt and pain.

So, he had to do this. He had to make Justin believe that this was what Brian needed. Deep down he knew that if Justin thought that this was what was right for Brian, no matter how much it hurt, the boy would let him go. This would have to be the one time that he could offer Justin the one thing that he really did deserve…the same sacrificial love that the boy turned man had given to him time and time again. He had to love Justin back…enough to let him go.

Not long after, as he walked down the street and saw Justin laughing and talking with the bike boy, he knew that his instincts had been right, and that now was the perfect time for him to set Justin free. As he watched the two of them laughing and talking, he thought to himself that If he could manage to set his mask firmly enough in place and make Justin believe that this is what he needed, it was not too late for the younger man to move on and find someone that he could share his life with as it should be.  

“We need to talk, Justin,” he had abruptly grumbled at Justin as he approached the obviously confused young man.

“It’s time we face some facts, Justin,” he heard himself say. “We’re beating a dead horse here. I’ve been putting my life on hold for days at time for far too long, what with all the trips I have been making up here to see you. Sure, we always have a great time, but it’s really starting to get old.”

He could remember each and every line as if it was only yesterday, the words being no less gut wrenching to contemplate now than they were then.

“On top of that, all this talk about you coming back to the Pitts is making my dick soft. We can’t go back, Justin. I think we both always knew that. It’s better that we admit that now, and get on with our lives. Go out there and be the best fucking homosexual you can be, here in New York, and I’ll do the same back in Pittsburgh. I think I can do that now, you taught me how. I just can’t keep doing this,” waving his hand back and forth between them, “anymore.”

Turning and walking away at that moment had almost killed him. The pain had been tremendous, and blindsided him with its intensity.

Through the years, he had entertained the thought of contacting Justin, or seeking him out at a show, or a trip home, but each time, this one fact would stop him cold. There was no way he could survive that pain again. He knew without a doubt that he was not strong enough to walk away again if he saw him. On top of that, although he wanted Justin to be happy with a passion that surprised even himself, he couldn’t bear to actually witness Justin in love with someone else, if that was the case.

No. Things had happened exactly the way that he meant them to. He had done what he needed to do for the only man he would ever love, and just look at the result. The evidence was there right before his eyes. Justin, his Justin, had become a huge success, and everything was just as it should be.

/~/

Somehow Brian made it through the rest of the afternoon’s festivities, but by the time it was over he was overwrought and exhausted. Since it was still too early in the day to visit his any of his favorite diversionary haunts, he uncharacteristically decided to take a walk through Central Park to clear his head.

He hoped that the brisk air, along with the unique sights and sounds one could expect to find there would be enough to keep him distracted until the doors opened at the clubs, after which he planned to find and fuck as many hot studs as the venues had to offer.

He had no meetings scheduled for the next day until after lunchtime, and so there was absolutely nothing to stop him from getting completely and resoundingly drunk off his ass, imbibing all the recreational drugs he could muster, basically getting so shit faced that he could not remember his own name for the rest of the night, far less that of the man he left behind.