Brian

This is the hardest one; that’s what I tell myself. Everybody else will be easy. Except Michael. But he loves me, he’ll come around. Jennifer doesn’t love me and she’ll never come around. Much less will she ever forgive me.

“Well,” she says bleakly, “Here we go again.”

We came to the condo straight from the airport; Justin’s upstairs gathering some of his stuff, next weekend we’ll move the rest over to my place. Our place. Not my place, OUR place, damn it. I’m sitting on the edge of the sofa trying to look casual, wishing like fucking hell I’d gone upstairs with Justin as he asked. But I knew I had to get this part over with. Let Jennifer have her say.

All I can do is look her in the eye and nod agreement. Here we go again, all right.

She leaves her post at the foot of the stairs and walks over to stand in front of me. “Haven’t you done enough damage? When will it be enough?”

There’s no way to answer her questions, I have nothing to say. All I can do is just look up at her and keep swallowing the bile that’s rising in the back of my throat.

“Brian – you told me you’d let him go. You told me that more than once. And yet – “

“I did.” I clear my throat and repeat, “I did let him go. More than once.”

“And each time – “ Jennifer’s voice is too loud, quickly she lowers it so Justin won’t hear. “Each time, you’ve dragged him right back again!”

That’s not true and she knows it but I won’t defend myself; let her say what she wants. She knows the truth – Justin always came after me. Almost always. Could I have kept pushing him away? Should I have?”

“I – “ I stop and look away, shaking my head. Shut up, Brian.

“What? What? Have the courtesy to finish your sentence, please.” Jennifer’s voice is cold as ice.

“I can’t anymore.” There, I said it. I look back at her again and repeat, “I can’t anymore.”

“Can’t what?”

“I can’t let him go anymore. I want him in my life.”

“Hunh.” Snorting is unladylike but Jennifer Taylor manages to snort in a dignified way. “And for how long, Brian? For how long do you want him in your life? How long till you get tired of him and throw him away?”

It’s a reasonable question but I don’t know the answer. I want him now. I think I want him forever, but how can I say that, how can I know? I won’t say ‘forever,’ because how do I know that it’s true?

“Answer me,” Jennifer demands, and abruptly I stand up. I tower over her, she’s about the same height as Justin. Jennifer takes a step backward, and that’s when I break.

Dragging my eyes away from her face, I turn for the door. “I’ll wait outside.”

Just as my hand’s on the doorknob, Justin calls, “Brian, help me with this.” I turn and he’s halfway down the stairs, his arms full of an overstuffed duffel bag. I move quickly across the foyer and take the bag from his arms.

“I’ll put it in the jeep. Got everything you need?”

Justin looks at me and does a double-take. Something must show on my face though I was sure I was giving nothing away. He turns quickly toward his mother, her face is flushed and she looks angry. Well, she is angry. “What’s going on?” he demands.

“Nothing,” we answer in unison.

Justin hesitates and quickly I say, “I’ll wait in the jeep.” I should say goodbye to Jennifer but I just can’t, so instead I turn and head out the door, pulling it closed behind me. I dump the duffle bag in the back seat and then light a cigarette with hands that shake. There aren’t many people who affect me like that, but Jennifer Taylor can do it every time.



Justin

“Mom, what did you say to Brian?”

“Nothing,” Mom repeats. Then, “I’ll do laundry and you can pick up more clothes after school tomorrow if you want.”

“Mom.” I walk over to her and take her hand. “Mom, please don’t be mean to Brian.”

“Mean!” she exclaims, shaking her head. Then she sighs deeply and sinks down onto the sofa. “Justin – I’m your mother. I can’t sit back and watch somebody ruining your life and not say a word about it. I’m sorry but I just can’t.”

“He’s not ruining my life.”

She just shakes her head again and I see that she’s crying. “Mom. Mom?”

When she says nothing, I tell her, “Mom, please be happy for me. This is one of the best days of my life. Brian wants me to live with him.”

“I’ve heard this before,” she says dully, turning her head away and letting the tears roll down her face unchecked.

“No Mom, you haven’t, that’s the point. This is different – Brian loves me.”

“Honey,” she turns and smiles through her tears, “Honey, you told me that three years ago, remember? You told me and your father that Brian loved you. I didn’t believe it then and I don’t believe it now.“

Then I smile proudly and unfasten my bracelet. “Now I have proof,” I exclaim, holding the gold link for her to read.

She looks at it, then her eyes are on my face again. “Proof,” she repeats tonelessly. Then she rubs her hands over her tear-streaked face and stands up. “I made a quiche for dinner tonight – let me send the leftovers with you. Are you hungry?”

“Sure.”

I’m disappointed in her response but I decide not to push it, instead, I fasten the bracelet back on my wrist and follow her into the kitchen, lean against the counter while she slides two-thirds of a spinach quiche into a Tupperware container, snaps the lid and hands it to me.

“Thanks, Mom.” I lean forward and kiss her and she smiles then, just a tiny smile but I guess that’s the best she can do. When I turn to go she says “Call me tomorrow. You can tell me all about San Francisco.”

“Great, I will. It was fantastic, we saw Alcatraz and everything! Maybe you could come to dinner at – at our place soon, and I’ll show you the photos I took.”

“Okay.” She nods, she’s still smiling, but I feel sure that the minute I leave, Mom will start crying again. I wish she liked Brian. And I wish she would be happy for me.



Michael

It’s just so wrong. People want to think I’m jealous but it’s not that at all. I love Brian like a brother, I want him to be happy, and no way in hell can he be happy with that kid.

They spent the weekend in San Francisco, Brian told me he was going there on business but I didn’t know he was taking Justin. Now they’re back and Jennifer called Mom last night to give her the news, the news that Justin’s moving in with Brian again. And Mom told me, and then she had the nerve to tell me not to make waves. Brian’s called me, he’s on his way over, and my mom tells me not to make fucking waves!

Not make waves! Brian’s been my best friend almost longer than that blond brat’s been alive, if anybody has a right to talk about it to Brian it’s me. But I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say to Brian to make him see how wrong it all is.

There is no way in hell that kid deserves to be with Brian. Christ, he’s lied and cheated and even stolen from Brian. Ran off to Vermont leaving Brian with egg on his face. And then he dumped Brian in public, humiliating him in front of everybody after Brian spent a fortune on the Rage party. Brian did everything for Justin, rescued him over and over again, let Justin move into his loft, let Justin move into his circle of friends.

It’s just so wrong.

I’m waiting on a customer when Brian comes into the shop, I know it’s him without looking up. I try to keep a mask on my face, I learned from Brian that sometimes it’s best to mask your feelings from people. But I’m not him, it doesn’t work for me. When the customer leaves, I look up as Brian walks over to me, he’s all smiles.

“Hey, Mikey.”

“Hey,” I say coolly as he leans over the counter to give me a kiss.

“What’s wrong?” he asks immediately, and I can’t even pretend to misunderstand him.

“I just heard the news. You’re not expecting congratulations from me, are you?”

He pulls back, then leans sideways against the counter, one hand idly playing with a Spiderman Pez dispenser. “I wanted to tell you before you heard about it from somebody else, but in this family, news travels fast.”

“What’s the difference?” I ask. “What does it matter who I hear it from?”

He doesn’t answer right away, he keeps staring at the Pez dispenser, then he lays it on the counter and paces over to the window and back again. Brian leans on the counter, takes a deep breath and looks me in the eye, then he says, “Michael, I’m asking you to take a step back.”

“How can I?” I demand, hearing the shrillness in my voice, “How can I just forgive and forget all that he’s put you through?”

Brian straightens up from the counter and looks down at me, his voice soft as he says, “Michael, it’s not up to you to forgive and forget, do you realize that?”

“How can YOU? How can you forgive him, Brian - can you please explain that to me?”

He shakes his head. “You don’t know what I put Justin through. It wasn’t all his fault, you know?” When I open my mouth to protest, Brian holds up a hand to stop me. “I’ve never discussed Justin with you, and I’ve never discussed you with Justin. I won’t start now, I’m only asking you to step back, not get in Justin’s face about this. That’s all I’m asking.”

“Why do you think I’d get in his face? What has he been telling you about me?”

Brian shakes his head. “He’s never said a word. But Mikey - I don’t know how you treat him when I’m not around, all I know is how I’ve seen you treat him when I am around. You don’t have to be buddies with Justin, I’m only asking you to go easy. That’s all.”

“Why are you doing this, Brian? Can you tell me that? Why are you getting involved with him again? I just really don’t understand.”

Brian moves behind the counter and puts his arm around me. “Because I want Justin in my life.” When I say nothing, he adds, “It’s not just wanting, Michael. It’s – it’s sort of like needing.”

“Sort of like needing?” I pull back so I can look at Brian’s face. He never lies to me and I need to hear his answer to this question: “Do you mean you love him? You’ve always said you don’t believe in love.”

Brian raises his eyebrows. “Nobody’s more surprised than me.”

"But," I persist, "Do you LOVE him or are you IN LOVE with him? There's a difference."

"There is?"

Before I can answer, Brian picks up the Pez Spiderman again and asks, "Do you think they'll ever make a Rage Pez dispenser?" Then the door opens and some kids come in, so Brian moves away from the counter. The boys quickly make their selections, and while I'm ringing them up, Brian calls, "Later, Michael," and when I look up he's slipping out the door.



Melanie

Talk is cheap, even when it's engraved on a gold bracelet. Still, I have to admit that I was surprised Brian would make that kind of gesture, he must have been desperate to drag Justin back to his bed, but dropping a few hundred bucks on a piece of jewelry would be no big deal to him. Lindsay thinks it's incredibly romantic but then she's got such a rose-colored view of Brian Kinney and always will have.

Naturally, we'd heard the news right away, that Justin was moving back in with Brian. Lindsay and Deb are all starry-eyed about the situation but I'm sure Jennifer Taylor is shitting her pants. She and I are the only women who can see through that man.

Still, I went along with Linds when she excitedly proclaimed that she wanted to invite the guys over for dinner this Sunday - she really wanted to give them a party but even Linds knew that Brian would balk at that. Linds actually thinks that Brian and Justin will have a commitment ceremony some day! The only commitment ceremony Brian would be part of - and then not willingly - would be if some big men in white jackets dragged him off to a padded room.

Meanwhile, Linds called Brian and he agreed to come over - he hasn't seen Gus for a week or two, sometimes he'll stop by after work to see Gus for a few minutes before bedtime and I guess he considers that a visit. Maybe once a month he'll actually spend time with Gus, take him to the park or the zoo. His schedule was interrupted by the car accident and he's only recently gotten back into that routine.

We haven't heard about the bracelet - probably Brian forbade Justin to show it to anyone - but the way Justin throws his hand around at the dinner table purposely draws attention to the gold link chain and when Lindsay exclaims, "What a gorgeous bracelet - did you get it in San Francisco?" Justin laughs and blushes and says yes. Then he adds, "Brian gave it to me."

"Is it like an engagement ring?" I can't resist teasing, ignoring the look Linds sends across the table.

"Oh, it's nothing like that," Justin answers quickly, 'It was just a present."

"Please pass the carrots."

That's Brian, trying to change the subject.

"You mean," I pursue - knowing that Linds is going to yell at me later - "You mean there's no inscription on the bracelet, no promise of undying devotion engraved for all eternity?"

Justin's eyes fly to Brian's face and he says urgently, "I didn't tell!"

Brian's busy spooning carrots onto his plate. "Didn't tell what?" he asks casually. Almost casually.

"Nothing," Justin answers quickly, adding, "I need more carrots too please!"

"You mean there IS an inscription?" I demand, on the verge of laughter. I swear I didn't know - it was just a lucky guess. Actually, it was an extremely lucky guess - I'd never dream in a million years that Brian would do something like that.

"Brian, do you want more chicken?" Justin asks urgently, picking up the platter.

Brian's looking like a thundercloud but when he turns toward Justin and sees the plate being held out to him, suddenly Brian’s face relaxes and he laughs, and then he says, "I think I've got about all the chicken I can handle. It's okay, you can show them - you know you're dying to."

"Really?" Justin's smile lights up his whole face. Then he sets down the platter with a thump, jumps up and hurries around the table, unfastening the bracelet and holding it out for us to see.

"To Justin," Lindsay reads aloud, "I love you. Brian K."

"There wasn't room to add 'Kinney," Justin explains, "But this is good enough proof, don't you think?"

Immediately I wisecrack, "It wouldn't stand up in court," but Lindsay cuts me off.

"Yes, yes for sure it's good enough proof, and the bracelet is beautiful. Brian Kinney finally did something romantic!"

"Well keep your mouth shut about it or I'll deny everything." Brian's looking harsh again but when Justin moves around the table to stand close to him, Brian wraps his arm around Justin's shoulders and pulls him in for a kiss.

"Now sit down and finish dinner," he orders sharply, "I'll bet the mun-, I mean the ladies, have made you something special for dessert."

"Pie?" Justin glances inquiringly at Lindsay and then at me, "Did you maybe make coconut cream pie?"

"We're having tiramisu," Lindsay answers, "But I made a whole coconut cream pie just for you to take home with you."

Justin whoops happily but Brian complains, "Fuck that, he'll eat it in the car going home and get whipped cream all over the upholstery."



Brian

Now that the munchers know about the bracelet it'll be all over town by morning. Not that I expected it to be kept secret - I never gave it a thought.

Liar.

Standing in the jewelry shop in San Francisco, I almost broke out in a cold sweat when I thought of the ramifications of having the bracelet engraved for Justin.

There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted him back again, wanted him living with me, and I knew that he wanted it too. But Justin had made it clear to me that the way things were before was not going to be enough for him now. There was a caveat for Justin this time around, he was demanding something more binding than 'no names, no numbers, no kissing.'

We hadn't talked about it - or rather, we had talked around it, but I knew what he wanted. Not a commitment - not exactly a commitment. But some kind of proof that things would be different this time.

And I wanted them different too, though my idea of what 'different' means was hazy then; still is hazy in fact. The only clear-cut thought of mine is, I don't want him lying to me again, cheating on me again. Which is essentially what he did with the fiddler. Which is exactly what he did with the fiddler. But I can't blame Justin for that as easily as others do.

Oh, there was a time when I'd tried it; when I'd tried to convince myself that Justin completely fucked me over. But despite what some people think of me, I'm an honest man. And I remembered a conversation I'd had with Melanie after she'd cheated on Lindsay. I'd told her (and how easy it is to make proclamations about other people's lives!) - I'd told Mel that she had every right to get her needs met.

If I believed that - and I did, and I do - then what Justin did with the fiddler was an attempt to get his needs met. He hadn't talked much about 'his needs' to me - but then, I'd never let him. There were several times that Justin tried to make it clear he wanted to be with me and only me, but I'd insisted on the openest of open relationships. I needed my freedom, I needed my space.

Justin's mistake was pretending to agree with me. And looking back, I know now that I consciously decided to be convinced that Justin wanted what I wanted. We'd made rules and I'd kept them, but that didn't exonerate me from blame when things went wrong.

So there I was in San Francisco on Friday afternoon, my meetings over, my client (I hoped) won, and the weekend alone with Justin stretching out before us. I'd bought a couple new shirts to go with his damned untailored suit, and some dress socks in his size so he didn't have to borrow mine. Then when I passed the jewelry store, it occurred to me that I could buy Justin a present - maybe a new watch, maybe even a new nipple ring though he seldom wore them anymore. My eye was caught by a display of gold bracelets, chunky masculine bracelets, and I wondered if Justin would like one.

When I'd selected a bracelet I thought he would like, that's when it occurred to me to have it engraved. I'd considered 'To Justin - Remember San Francisco,' or 'To Justin from Tony Soprano.' Then it had hit me like a bolt of lightning: I could have them engrave 'I love you' on the bracelet. And then I'd never have to say it.

Hey, I said I was honest, I didn't say I was brave.

And I'm not feeling brave now, I'm feeling queasy at the thought of everybody knowing that Brian Kinney has gone around the bend. My reputation's going to suffer a blow, that's for sure.

We change clothes as soon as we get home from the munchers’ and Justin heads for his computer, he's taking summer classes and he's already fallen behind with his assignments. I check e-mail and half-heartedly toy with slogans for a new beer company Vangard's taken on. Within half an hour I'm tired of it and I log off, stand up and move quietly across the floor, and then I lean down, slip my arms around Justin's shoulders.

"Brian, you can't bother me now, I've got to finish this drawing tonight."

"I won't bother you, I just want to fuck you."

"Later."

"I can't wait till later," I tell him, leaning my face close to his, quickly snaking out my tongue to briefly touch his lips.

"Mmm," Justin moans, closing his eyes, "Stop."

"I don't want to stop." And I run my tongue over his lips again.

Justin turns and slips his arms around my neck, pulling my head down until his warm sweet lips caress my mouth.

"Brian," he murmurs, "I can never resist you when you kiss me like that."

Sighing and closing my eyes, I whisper, "Prove it."