heartbreak -  betrayal - tears

Brian's POV

Sitting at his desk, making every attempt to look like he was accomplishing something, Brian stared at the picture of Justin that he kept in his top drawer, and tried to control the emotions that threatened to bring him to his knees. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, and he was a mess at work, the one place that was always his refuge. When life with the family reached crazy on the drama meter, that was the one sane place he could always count on. Until now.

Justin had come home from the hospital, or at least the place where he called home. He refused to move into the loft, insisting that he needed space and couldn't concentrate on getting better with Brian pressuring him. He wouldn't even let him accompany him as he got settled into Debbie's spare room, where he and Michael had spent so much time in their teen age years.

As for how things were going between them, well, he had never been more confused. Even when he did stop over on his lunch break, Justin was simply distant, engaging in only the most superficial conversation and almost never smiling. He criticized everything Brian did, and although Brian was used to his efforts never being good enough for those he loved, it hurt more than he wanted to admit, even to himself, to know that this was now true of the one who he had allowed into his heart.

When Justin wasn't ignoring him, or yelling at him, then he was most likely staring off into space. It was impossible for Brian to get even a few words exchanged between them. He was going crazy trying to kill him with kindness, and not lose patience with him, or just give up altogether.

Tonight, Brian would try once again. What was it about this man that made him do things he would never have done for any other person on the face of this earth? If he believed in soul mates, then Justin would be his. There was just something about him, there had been from the start. He was not really physically his ‘type', although no one could deny that his body was sex on wheels. And when he flashed that kilowatt smile that he missed so much, well his dick never failed to respond.

It was more than that, though. He was on his level in every area of their lives. No one else had ever come close to matching his sex drive, to be sure, yet always Justin did. Beyond that, their conversations challenged him, and kept him interested, always wanting more. His passion for life, his unique view of the world and everyone in it, and the enthusiasm he brought to everything he did, at least until recently, all this and more made Brian keep coming back for more, sure that he could never get enough of what Justin had to offer. He was different than any man he had encountered before, made him feel different than any man he had ever been with, and anyone who knew him at all, knew that he had encountered more than his fair share.

Brian continued to contemplate just what it was about this blue eyed dynamo that made him want to throw the rule book out. To be sure, Justin was the strongest, most determined little fucker that he had ever met, so why was he giving up so easily now? He couldn't understand it, and he hoped beyond reason that this current alternate version of Justin was temporary, and his blonde bombshell would soon return - along with his joy for life and love for fucking.

They had barely kissed since Justin was released, and even when they did, it was brief, chaste, and unfulfilling. Brian wanted him every bit as much as ever, maybe even more, but he also knew better than to push when Justin had made up his mind on something.  

He walked up to Debbie's door, and opened it quietly, wanting to catch Justin by surprise, before he could prepare a defense. That thought brought a lump to Brian's throat. How had they gotten to this place where he was he was walking on eggshells around the man that he loved and needed more than any other person or thing in his life. The loft, the designer clothes, the imported Italian countertops,  even the job he loved and built his persona around, he would give them all up in a heartbeat just to have Justin back - to have their relationship back as it was right after he came out of his coma. He was dumbfounded to realize that such a thought has actually passed through his mind, and even more stunned to have to admit that it was the absolute truth.  

He tried to push the questions out of his mind - the how, the why - the when...all the things that he wouldn't allow himself to think about, because there were no answers.

Justin looked up as the door opened, and a smile spread across his face before he caught himself and forced himself to replace the mask that he had been hiding behind since he left the hospital. Brian entered, noticing the momentary slip, and was thrilled to realize there was no one else was at home, leaving them all alone.

"Hey," Brian said, gazing into Justin's eyes, silently begging him to draw close. He wanted to hold him, to kiss him, and he suddenly decided to take a chance, and as he stepped forward with a long and determined stride, he reached Justin in two steps, gathered him quickly into his arms, and gently pressed his lips over the ones that he had been dreaming of for days.

He instantly pushed with his tongue, and without thinking, Justin responded, opening his lips to allow the brunette access. The kiss quickly deepened, with Brian wrapping his arms around Justin's shoulders and running his fingers through the hair at the back of Justin's head.

He reluctantly came up for air, so afraid that the break in contact would also break the spell, and Justin would once again retreat into his shell. Justin's eyes were glazed over with lust, however, and as Brian let his tongue run down the side of Justin's neck to capture the throbbing vein where his shoulder and his neck meet that always drove the young man crazy, he felt his lover's body quiver in his arms. He reached up and bit Justin's earlobe, following up immediately with his tongue to sooth the bite. As he kissed and sucked relentlessly, he removed Justin's shirt, while letting his mouth continue to trail down  his chest. He took one nipple into this mouth, alternately kissing, sucking, biting and licking, nearly overcome with desire.

He moved on to the other nipple, as he tried to shift his body to relieve the pressure that his cock was creating in his jeans. He reached down to palm Justin's growing hardness, moaning as he pulled down the zipper and his hand came in contact with his partner's deliciously naked cock. Oh how he had missed it.

He slipped the jeans off, letting them fall around the blonde's feet, and Justin stepped out of them as he brought his hand up behind Brian's head, drawing him closer, pressing their lips together once again, their kiss quickly becoming urgent, tongues battling for control, the fire that burned between them threatening to overpower them.

Then, as abruptly as the moment began, it was over. He felt Justin break their kiss, and back away from him, pulling his pants back on so smoothly that he could hardly believe it had happened. "Fucking hell, Justin, what the hell are you trying to do to me?

Justin turned away quickly, steeling himself to respond with all the ice and venom in his voice that he knew it would take to undo the damage that his weakness had done to his charade.

"I didn't ask you to come here. In fact, I distinctly remember telling you to stay the hell away. This doesn't change anything.  It's just like you to take advantage of the fact that I haven't had sex since before the prom. I could get off right now rubbing against a bare wall. That doesn't mean I wanted you.  Why can't you just accept that it's over and leave me the fuck alone?"

Brian gaped at him, wondering if he had finally lost his fucking mind. Justin wanted this as much as he did. He felt it, and from the tent still evident in the front of the younger man's jean, so did he.  He was trying to be patient, to give Justin all the time and space he needed, but there was only so much he could take.

His dick throbbed painfully, and he knew that once again he would have to give himself the relief that he had hoped an afternoon of making love to Justin would take care of.  This had nothing to do with being horny, although he couldn't remember a time when he wanted anyone more, and he always wanted sex, it was just a part of who he was.  

More than that though, although he never imagined he would even entertain such a thought, he just needed to touch his lover, to hold him, to smell his hair as he ran his fingers through the softness, to feel him melt into that spot where he fit so perfectly. He missed him so much, it actually hurt. Brian could feel his eyes fill, and wondered once again when he had turned into a muncher, and why he didn't care as long as he could get back what he lost. He wanted his Justin back. He needed it like he needed air.

"Justin, please, we have to work through this. I know that you have been through hell, and I wish I could make it all go away, but I can't. But, you need to talk to me, or to someone. This is killing you...it's killing us. I can't lose you. Please Justin, look at me," he pleaded as Justin started to walk away.

As Brian reached for Justin's arm, the blonde yanked himself free forcefully, almost causing the brunette to lose his balance. "You don't know anything! You think you know me, but you don't. There is no us, how many times do I need to say it. Whatever you think we had, I don't want it. Don't you see, you say you love me, and if that's true, then you will just give me what I want, and move on."

It took every ounce of control that Brian had to not grab the younger man and shake him. How much of this did he think he could take? "I'm going back to the loft, Justin. Call me if you need anything. I can't be here right now, but that doesn't mean I am giving up. If you think you can push me away, then it's you who doesn't know me very well. Once I have my sights set on what I want, and believe me Mr. Taylor, you are what I want, it would take more than you can dish out to make me change my mind. Never underestimate me, Justin, I will wait as long as you need to get back to what we had.

He turned and stomped out the door then, slamming it behind him. He took a moment on the porch to allow his breathing to return to normal. Not exactly the scenario he wanted to be left breathless from. No, this was not what he had in mind for this evening at all.

He sat in his car, trying to decide what to do next. He thought about going out to the club, and grabbing the first guy who showed even the most remote interest , letting him suck his dick and then moving on to the next, and the next, and the next, allowing whatever pleasure he might receive to distract him from this pain his heart had never thought possible. 

He couldn't remember being this sexually frustrated before. He was the stud of Liberty Ave., could have any guy he wanted begging to do whatever he asked, and he was so horny he could barely sit, his dick was so painfully hard. He willed himself to think about Debbie and the cop doing it, or the munchers in a heated frenzy, anything just so he could get his dick to soften enough to drive wherever he decided to go.  

Instead of the club, he drove to the office. He wasn't going to get any sleep tonight, he was sure. He might as well take all the excess energy his anger was creating, and put it to good use. He slammed around for a while, trying to work on some boards, with no luck.  He sat down on the couch by the window, laid his head back as he ran his fingers through his hair, and within minutes, exhaustion took over and he fell asleep.

He woke up the next morning, feeling worse than any hangover he could remember. He stumbled into the bathroom in his office, brushing his teeth and washing his face, glad that he had toiletries that he left there for those times when he had to work all night to finish a campaign.

By the time Cynthia arrived, he was awake, but one look told her that he had been there all night, and was not having a stellar morning. She knew better than to question him, but silently wondered to herself why he would have slept there when there was not a deadline due today, or even that week, for that matter.

His foul mood lasted the morning, and as a result, she left him alone all day, not approaching him at all unless he bellowed at her for something. She was relieved when 4:00 rolled around, and she saw the back of his head as he grabbed his jacket and headed for the door. "I'm headed for the diner. Don't call me for anything unless it is an emergency...like someone's dead or something..."

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Justin's POV

Justin frantically ran around, gathering all he would need for his plan to work. He had called the office, to see if he could get an idea of Brian's plans for the night from Cynthia, who quite accidentally let it slip that Brian was at the diner, which meant that he had at least an hour to put everything into motion. He began to make the calls he needed to make.

"Hi Mom," Justin spoke in almost a whisper, his voice sounding tired, and something else...sorrowful perhaps? "I need to go over to the loft and pick up some stuff. Can you drop me off there, and I'll call you when I'm done? Also, I need you to make a call to Brian to let him know I'll be there, but don't tell him I told you to call. Make it seem like you are just calling to check up on how I am doing, but let it slip that you know I am at the loft. "

"Justin, what's going on? Have you and Brian still not worked this all out? I don't understand, sweetheart. Please talk to me."

"Ugh," Justin hissed. "Why does everyone want me to talk? There is nothing to talk about mother. I just know what I have to do." As quickly as he could, he explained to his mother what Chris had said, his fears for Brian, and what he felt needed to be done in order to keep the man of his dreams safe from harm.

He hung up with his mom, and as he waited for her to pull up, called Ethan, asking if they could meet a little earlier than they had planned. Ethan didn't hesitate for a moment, thinking it could only be in his favor that Justin was so anxious to meet up with him that he couldn't wait until the time they had originally talked about. He told Justin that he could leave right away, and that he couldn't wait to see him.

When he arrived at the loft, he was very glad that he had a few minutes before Ethan would arrive. He had been working so hard to keep his emotions under control so that his act would be believable, that he was not at all prepared for the overwhelming reaction just being in the loft caused in his body and his brain. Tears fell freely as he looked at the bed where Brian had first made love to him, where until not too long ago he thought Brian would continue to make love to him, as they began their life together.

His head throbbed, as he looked around, every space a reminder, pictures running through his mind of fucking, and spooning, kissing, and showering, until he became dizzy from it, and had to force all such thoughts from his mind, or else lose all ability to carry out his plan, wanting nothing more than to just call Brian and beg him to rush home and hold him, and then fuck him into the mattress that took up the center of the bedroom he now found himself standing in.

He closed his eyes to shut out the unwanted images, just as the intercom buzzed, and he walked over to answer it. "Hey, what is this place?" Ethan said into the speaker?

"Come on up," Justin said curtly, "I'll be waiting." He turned around and pulled open the metal door. This is it, he thought to himself, as Ethan stepped off the elevator. He waved his arm, letting Ethan know to enter, and followed him into the loft.

"Who lives here?. " Ethan whistled. "This place is like nothing I have ever seen!". He looked around at the obviously expensive furnishings, thinking to himself that Justin must have been holding out on him. No starving artist could afford anything like this, or had friends who lived this posh lifestyle.

"That's not important," Justin stated flatly, drawing up quickly to stand in front of Ethan, before he could change his mind. He looked into Ethan's eyes, and knowing that the time had come, and that he had no choice but to follow through, for Brian, he leaned over and softly, but with absolutely no feeling, brushed his lips over the other man's, drawing a gasp from him as he did so.

"Well," the fiddler responded. "I had hoped that we would get to this when you invited me here today, but I can't tell you how thrilled I am that you are so anxious to get started. " He placed his hand at the back of Justin's neck, running his hand through the soft hair, and gazing into his eyes.

Justin back up quickly, and nearly shouted, "just get out of those clothes and fuck me," as he ripped off his own tee shirt and jeans, kicking off his shoes and walking just as swiftly over to the bed, and sat down. He knew that if he tried to allow this to take the course it naturally would if he had any attraction for this man,  that he would be found out. He could will his dick to rise to any occasion, that was just fucking. But there was no way he could fake passion, or want, or even desire. No, he had to do this fast, and could only hope that the other man liked his sex quick and hard.

He was relieved to see Ethan throwing his clothes to the floor and walking over to join him. As the curly haired man sat down, Justin nearly jumped on him, throwing him on his back, and crawling up his body. He raked at the other man's chest, kneading his ass with his other hand, in an effort to make it seem like his lust was taking over.

Ethan's eyes looked up at him, the hooded slits making it quite obvious that he actually liked it quick and rough, which to Justin was the best news he had had in a week. He continued to work the man's body roughly, grabbing the lube and a condom, which he placed over his cock, which had hardened despite himself, from nothing more than the intensity of the moment.

There would be no kissing, he had decided that long before he began. That would always belong only to Brian. He spread the lube on his fingers, and with no warning, pushed into the anxious man's hole, eliciting a groan from him that let Justin relax, knowing that the other man had no idea the turmoil that he was feeling. Ethan was buying his act completely, and loving every minute of it.

As he lined up his cock, and pressed forward to enter the tight channel, he heard the key in the door. He had been so intent on keeping his mask in place and not letting any of his real emotions show, that he had not heard the elevator hum.

As the door slid open, Justin turned his head slightly, and lunged into the man laying under him. Ethan let out a grunt, grabbing onto the sheets under him, as Brian's eyes locked onto his lover's. The immense pain that Justin saw there almost threatened to undo him, but he couldn't let it. He had to complete this, even if it killed him. He knew at that moment that he would never be able to open his heart to any other man.

"What the fuck is going on here, Justin? All this time I have been waiting , giving you all the time you needed to come back to me, and now this? Is this the real reason you pushed me away? So you could fuck the guy you really wanted? And, in our...in my bed? Fuck, Justin, why couldn't you have just told me."

"Well, if this is what you want, fine. But you'll have to find somewhere else to entertain your tricks.  Get your stuff , and get the hell out of here by the time I get back." With that, Brian backed up through the door he had just entered, slammed it shut with a loud clamor, and ran down the steps, not even able to wait for the elevator to get to his floor.

"Who the hell was that?" Ethan screamed at Justin. "Do you want to tell me what's going on here?"

With the tears finally breaking free from his overflowing eyes, Justin sat back and sadly said, ‘what's going on is that my life just walked out that door, and now nothing else really matters."

"Hey, if you want to get rid of a guy, there's got to be an easier way to do it. Were you just using me? Did you plan this whole thing so he would catch us." Ethan asked incredulously.  "Why would you do that to me. Why would you do that to him. What the fuck is wrong with you?" Ethan could not believe this was happening. He grabbed his clothes, stopping only long enough to pull his pants up and zip them.

Gathering up the rest of his stuff, he threw open the door, and turning back towards  the bed he just left, frustrated, hurt, and angry. "I'm glad to be learning all this now,  Justin, because if this is how you treat the guy you apparently are in love with, I am lucky that I am getting out now, before I really felt something for you," he roared as he stomped out.

As he heard the door close once more, Justin lost all control, sobbing as he grieved the loss of the only man he would ever love, as well as that part of himself that could hurt two people so callously, even if it was necessary. His thoughtless disclosures about Chris had gotten him into this mess, and now his cruel and heartless actions had to get him out, and he had never hated himself more.

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Jennifers' POV

What had gotten into Justin? Maybe getting head bashed had truly changed her son forever. No matter what the reason, how could he cheat on the man he loved, on the man who had given up everything he ever believed in to become the man Justin needed.

She would never have thought in a million years that the boy she knew and loved could hurt someone like she knew this was going to hurt Brian. And for what?  To keep him safe from some unknown threat? How could he even be so sure that Chris was not just spouting off, angry at what he had lost, and making idle threats to make himself feel more in control? Why couldn't he simply tell Brian what was going on? The man could most certainly take care of himself. It just didn't make any sense.

She wondered if Justin really thought that he would be able to stay away from Brian, and for how long. He was broken, he couldn't even seem to function, she could see that in just the short drive to the loft. These two boys, well men really, were like one,  and neither worked without the other.

She knew that Justin would do absolutely anything for the man he had come to love so deeply. And he really felt as if Brian was in danger. But, to cheat on him, to rip out the heart he had only recently opened up to him, well, she wasn't sure if either of them would survive it. It was just so cruel, and so unnecessary, she thought to herself.

She had tried to talk to him about it in the car, but he had just pushed her away as well. "Leave me the fuck alone mom," he had sputtered.

She knew that this was his pain speaking, yet she couldn't sit back and say nothing. "Don't you speak to me that way - I am still you mother."

"Well then, be a good mother , and let me live my life without your interference. " These were the last words Justin had said as he got out on Tremont St. and walked toward the building where she had thought he would be sharing the rest of his life with the man of his dreams.

She decided that she needed to talk to Debbie. Maybe she would know some way to get through to him, although she knew that if she couldn't get the redhead to keep it to herself, at  least for now, that she was taking the chance that her son would push her out of his life as well. He would not thank her for going behind his back, no matter what the outcome.

She was grateful that Debbie had the day off, and they would be able to talk without being overheard. She knocked on the door, and as Debbie opened it, the toll that this was all taking on her spilled out along with the tears that ran down her face.

"Hey, hey, what's got your face leaking like that?" Debbie asked her, immediately concerned.  Jennifer had become a friend, and although as time passed there had been things shared  between them that showed that the perfectly coifed lady was not the same country club snob that she had been when they first met, there was still always a modicum of etiquette that his woman expected of herself  that would not allow her to be crying opening on her front porch unless something really bad had happened.

"What happened, is someone hurt? Was there an accident. Oh my God, is Justin ok?" Debbie tried to stop all the thoughts that were spinning through her head.  "Come in and sit down. Now, tell me what happened to have you in such a state."

For the next hour, Jennifer poured her heart out to the one person she knew would understand, at least as much as she did. She flinched as Debbie responded angrily when she found out how Justin was hurting her Brian, probably even right now as they spoke.

"I don't get it," Debbie said. "Even though I could see that he had fallen head over heels in love with Justin, I always thought it would be Brian that would send your son off, hurt and crying. Not that I agree with him, but Brian never believed he deserved to be loved. On top of that, he would do whatever it took to give the people he loves what they need, even if it meant that it hurt them, and made himself look like a coldhearted asshole. "

"I would expect that from him, but Justin knows better. " Debbie continued. The blonde woman sitting in her living room shook her head in agreement. "I know, Deb, but what are we supposed to do about it? If we interfere, both boys will hate us. But, we have to do something."

They both loved Justin, and they both loved Brian, and the both knew that they belong together .  Each of these ladies had different loyalties, each had different concerns when thinking about all that had transpired, but on this one thing the ladies agreed. Neither Brian nor Justin would ever be complete again, without the other.  

"Well, let me try to talk to Brian. He and I have a special way of openly up the lines of communication that I'm not sure you would approve of. But it usually works. At least I can try to get him to open up to me and see how much he knows. I won't come right out and tell him what's going on, so Justin can't say that we broke his confidence, but I can try to plant a bug in Brian's mind, to let him know that he might not want to take all that Justin says...and does, at face value. "

"I am sure that he is hurting right now, in a way that he never has before. I don't really know what to expect from him myself. I never thought that Brian would be the one to be heartbroken, he never allowed himself to care about anyone enough to hurt over. This is going to be new territory for both of us. I'll let you know how it turns out."

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Debbie's POV

Brian opened the door, as Debbie handed over a tuna casserole, a box of tissues, and a big bag of pot. She wondered to herself how her boyfriend the cop would react if he knew that she had stoped off to see Anita before heading for the loft? She was not prepared for the red rimmed eyes that met her on the other side. Brian was crying, this was going to be harder than even she thought. Even back in the days when Brian showing up at her door meant that the beating that night had been particularly brutal, she could only remember a handful of days that the determined young man allowed his tears to show.

Few knew Brian Kinney the way she did. His father had used him as a punching bag, while his mother kept her eyes on her Bible and her bottle, not necessarily in that order, so that she could avoid seeing the pain on her sons face, hear the hurt in his voice, or feel the helplessness in his demeanor, all the while telling him she loved him, and so did her God.

So, Brian Kinney decided early on that he would never love or be loved, had no use for God whatsoever, and would never allow himself to be anything other than in complete control. That is until a certain adorable blonde came into his life, and then everything he thought he knew was out the window.

Now, she saw standing before her that same little boy, scared and alone, wondering once again why love hurt, and just what he had done to make life be so cruel.

As he stepped aside to let her in, he set the items she had passed to him on the counter in the kitchen, turned back around, and melted into her arms, sobbing. He allowed her to lead him over the couch, and as they both sank into it, he laid his head on her lap, just like he had when he was young.

Most people on Liberty Ave. thought that Debbie could never keep a secret, but she had known his for years, and never told a soul. She allowed him to become the stud of Liberty Ave., the asshole that everyone blamed everything on, and if the truth be told, she had even fallen into that trap herself a time or two, even given all she knew.

For years they had often talked well into the night, of course the pot had been added into these late night fests only after he had returned from college, but still needed her shoulder from time to time. He trusted her with his inner most feelings, things that he had never told another living soul, not even Michael, although if Michael ever found out he would be devastated. Mikey was his best friend, but his insecurities left him still acting like a 12 year old boy, not a grown man with a husband of his own.

She thought back to what Jennifer had told her, and wondered how to start. She had seen the change in Brian, his love for Justin was obvious, especially to her. She was quite sure that she knew long before he did the depth of his feelings for the younger man. He deserved to know the truth. It killed her to know that once he had placed this pain into whatever compartment it fit in inside his mind, he would accept it as just another corroboration of what he had always known, that he would never be loved after all, that he didn't deserve to be, and that his heart should be locked up, this time forever, so that no one could ever hurt him again.

She couldn't tell him though, it was not hers to tell. As much as it hurt her to see the pain written all over his face, this was Justin's decision, and she had to respect that. She didn't like it, certainly didn't agree with it, but still, they were both grown men, and she couldn't decide things like this for them. All she could do is love them both, and be there to pick up the pieces, even though she knew that for both boys, this was going to leave pieces that even a bulldozer couldn't remove.

As Brian's sobs turned to sniffles, she reached for the stash, handed it to Brian, and waited while he rolled once for each of them. She braced herself for a long night, if he was starting out with one each, rather than the one passed between them that normally occurred on evenings when she instinctively knew that he needed her.

As she ran her hand through his hair, he looked up at her, and then turned quickly way, unable to bear the compassion and love he saw there in her eyes. No, affection of any kind, even from Debbie, was the last thing he could handle right now. Debbie knew it, and taking her hand away, simply said, "so kiddo, what's the haps?"

The corner of his mouth almost turned up into a smile, which quickly disappeared, only to be replaced once again by the pain etched into his cheeks and his eyes.

"I don't know what happened, Ma," he said quietly. "I can hardly believe any of it is real. I must really have gone off the deep end this time. I could feel his love, I knew it was there, and he wanted me as much as I wanted him. I could never have imagined that, would never have allowed myself to fall under his spell had I not known it was true. "

He looked at her again, not even giving voice to the question nagging at the back of his mind, asking why she didn't seem surprised at all, didn't seem to be asking questions, but was just listening as if she already knew what he was going to say. He would save that talk for another time. Right now, he just needed to talk about his Justin, and how he was supposed to go through the rest of his life without him, now that he had allowed all his barriers to be broken away.

"You know Brian. Things aren't always what they seem. You are hurting so badly right now, that you can't see past that, and that's ok.  For now. But tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever the fuck you can think about him without feeling like a two by four hit you square across the chest,  don't let what you think you see fool you. Step back and really try to see this thing from every side, and keep your eyes and ears open. You might be surprised what you find. "

He looked at her quizzically, unable to grasp what she was trying to say. "How else can I look at it, Deb, he couldn't wait to get rid of me, he fucked some other guy, IN MY BED, for fuck sake. He couldn't even wait the few minutes while he was packing up his stuff to get his hands on him, not to mention the rest of his body, too. " A new tear trailed down his cheek, as he thought about seeing Justin hovering over - whoever the fuck he was - and wondered if this was how Justin felt every time he came home to find Brian in the loft with some trick.

The little twat had rarely complained, and certainly had not let Brian in on just how much it hurt to see the man you love giving a part of himself away to someone else. Yes, today Justin had hurt him without a care about his feelings, but he deserved that, and so much more. What goes around comes around Kinney, he said to himself. What ever made you think that life would offer you anything else?

They smoked in silence, each lighting a new one when the first had dwindled down until they couldn't even grasp it with their fingertips.

"All those nights, when I thought that I was feeling the worst pain I would ever feel, broken bones, jarring headaches, deep cuts, whatever Jack threw my way, it was nothing compared to this. I don't know if I can take this pain, Ma. Where am I supposed to go from here? How do I wake up tomorrow and just go on with my life, when I know that nothing is the same. How do I go on without him?"

Debbie glanced over at him and actually saw the mask slowly cover his face, knowing that he was struggling to rebuild the walls that he had allowed to topple over on his way to falling in love with Justin. She knew that that this conversation was over, Brian would not tolerate any attempt to continue it. She could get further with him than probably any other person on this earth, except maybe Justin...and Gus, but even she knew when to quit.

"Call me of you need anything. And I expect you at Sunday dinner. Don't give me any bullshit. We're family, and family sticks together, you hear? "

Brian didn't respond, as she stood, and silently left the loft, looking back over her shoulder at him, wanting so much to say what she knew she could not.