“Justin, sweetheart how have you been?” 

“What do you want mom? You made it pretty fucking clear how important I am to you during our last visit, so why are you here? No...better yet why won’t you just leave me the fuck alone already!”

“Justin watch your language young man!” Grandma gently scolded me. “Calm down and everything will be explained. And Jennifer...don’t you go expecting any miracles dear daughter.”

The answer to my question as to why they were all here came a few short moments later, when Diane came walking up to join us. Why couldn’t they just leave well enough alone. My mother didn’t think I was worth fighting for and I was in no mood to forgive her for so easily walking out of my life. She doesn’t really understand what hearing her say that she would rather be behind bars, than having to deal with her queer son did to me. Diane recognized the defiance flashing in my eyes and gave an exasperated sigh before swiftly guiding us back inside the building to the nearest available conference room (with Dean Scott’s permission of course) and telling me the reason for this little surprise visit. 

“Justin we thought it would be good for you and your mother to sit down and try to work toward mending your relationship. Your ALATEEN facilitator Blake, has been gracious enough to extend his services to help make that happen.”

“I don’t have anything to say to her Diane. I don’t want anything to do with her and there is nothing you or anyone else can do to change my mind about it.”

As I looked over at my mother, it took every bit of resolve I had not to be affected by the unshed tears I saw shining in her eyes. I felt like there was a battle of epic proportions raging inside of me as I thought to myself, would it be so bad if I forgave her? Would I be letting her off too easy after all the things she’s said and done? Could we truly get back to a place where we could call ourselves family again? Truth be told, a part of me really wanted to let her back into my life and possibly start over, but the part of me that was still angered by her flagrant betrayal was winning hands down.

“Justin all that we are asking right now, is that you consider giving this a chance,” Diane spoke pleadingly; as if her words alone were enough to sway my heart to feel something that was no longer there. “I understand that it won’t be easy, but in the long run you’ll see that it will all be worth it.”

“I don’t think so Diane. How can I ever trust her again knowing how she really feels about me? You all seem to expect me to just magically erase the past year of pain and betrayal I’ve felt. I don’t know how to do that.”

“Justin honey… you don’t mean that.”

“Mom…” I sighed heavily, feeling the weight of the painful words and their absolute truth pressing down on my shoulders like I was carrying the expectations of the entire world, not just my mother and my counsellor. Maybe that was my own unfounded guilt speaking, but it didn’t make what I was about to say hurt any less. “I have never meant anything more in my life. You threw me aside like used trash when it suited your needs. I can’t just say ‘hey mom thanks for ignoring me, now let’s hug and make up.’ It’s like you think I’ll just come running back whenever you’re ready. But, what about if I’m not ready? Maybe I’ll never be ready.”

She began to openly sob, clutching her chest trying to pull enough air into her lungs to form a coherent sentence. I really did want to feel something besides anger for her, but I just couldn’t find it in my soul to do it. Any residual affection I had for my mother had completely disappeared the day she confessed to loving her social status more than her own son. As I looked on, my mother’s face started to crumple - albeit in that perfectly acceptable WASPish way so that her makeup wouldn’t get mussed in the process - and I knew that I simply couldn’t take any more of this today. Getting up off the chair where they’d seated me, I bolted for the door.

In my haste to get as far away from the school and the bullshit going on inside as I could, I completely forgot about the fact that Daphne had been patiently waiting for me while I had been forced to participate in my little impromptu psych session.

“Justin...Justin! Wait up. What happened in there?” Daphne was calling out to me as she ran furiously to catch up to my longer than normal strides. Just as she’d fallen in step with me, we heard the distinct squealing of tires in very close proximity; followed by a husky “Need a lift, Sunshine?”

I could hardly believe my eyes. Brian actually had the gall to show up here after the way he had all but told me to go fuck myself last night. In my head I’m already calling him every kind of motherfucker, bastard, asshole, and son-of-a-bitch in the book, but the insults never made it past my lips. Over the humming motor of Brian’s jeep, I could hear Diane calling me from the school’s entryway. Between dealing with my mother and the rest of her cohorts intent on us making nice, and the attractive, if infuriating, man offering me a ride, there really was no contest. I grabbed a hold of the door handle, wrenched open the passenger side door and practically dove into Brian’s Jeep. 

“Daphne,” I yell out the window even as I see Brian shift the car into drive. “I’ll call you, okay? I just need to get out of here right now. You understand, right?”

“You’ll tell me everything later?” Daphne insists. 

“Of course, Daph,” I manage to holler as Brian pulls around a dawdling Toyota celica that’s holding up traffic in the student parking lot and then zooms out of there. 

Brian and I drove around in an uncomfortable silence for twenty long excruciating minutes, before either of us garnered the courage to say anything to each other. For the most part, Brian concentrated on keeping his eye on the road and feigning indifference, but the look that was on his face which could easily be read as fear was unmistakable. I had a million thoughts running through my head as to what would cause this confident young man sitting next to me to be afraid. I was still pissed at him and even though I didn’t want to be, I was truly concerned about Brian.

We were stalled at a redlight when he turned to me as if to ask a question, but I guess the fact that I quickly turned to look out of my window so he wouldn’t read my feelings made him think better of it. 

“So, is everything okay?”

Then again maybe I was wrong.

“Uh...yeah, everything’s just peachy.”

“Look, Justin, I..”

“Save it Brian. You said all you needed to say last night. I mean let’s face it, you were right, I’m not anything to you and because of that you don’t owe me a damn thing. If anything I should be begging your forgiveness for having the nerve to care about you, for wanting to share a very special moment with you.”

“See that’s where you’re wrong Justin. I owe you everything...you hear me, everything. Until you came into my life I didn’t know how to let myself feel. I’m used to always having to have my guard up so that whoever was running my life at the time, couldn’t take advantage of me.”

I continued to stare at nothing in particular purposely avoiding looking into his eyes, because now I’m the one that’s afraid. I was afraid of what I might see if I allowed myself to be pulled into their hazel depths. Brian sensed my hesitation to face him and this was evidenced by the calming breath he’d released before he started to speak again.

“I know you won’t believe this but, I never meant to hurt you Sunshine.”

“Don’t call me that! I’m not your fucking Sunshine….now would you please just take me home.”

“Fine!”

No other words were spoken for the rest of the ride, not even a cursory thank you and goodbye passed between us when he let me out in front of my house. I did however take the opportunity to sneak one final glance at Brian as he sped away to god knows where, before I started to shuffle slowly toward the front door. Once I was inside, I successfully avoided seeing Grandma and was able to make it up to my room to call Daphne and fill her in on all the gory details.

Daphne, ever the optimist, tried her best to convince me that everything would turn out alright, and that everything happens for a reason...yeah right! But my life, such as it was, continued on in the same maddening circle whether I liked it or not. The state still felt they knew what was best for me, my mother still came around begging me to forgive her, and Brian...well, Brian just seemed to drop off the face of the earth.

So imagine my surprise when Brian showed up at my Senior prom two weeks later. I’m not even sure how he found out the exact date of prom, since I never got around to actually telling him any specifics. My face lit up like a Christmas tree when I saw him saunter into the venue looking more handsome than I’d ever seen him look before. Brian’s body language spoke volumes and his mission was clear, he intended on making it a night that Dwight D. Eisenhower High School would never forget, and an even more memorable one for me.