After setting out a pair of sweats and tee shirt for Brian to change into, I started to make my way back downstairs to have my obligatory morning cup of coffee but stopped short when I heard my mother’s unmistakable voice. When had she gotten here anyway? The better question is what is she doing here so early? I still wasn’t ready to face her just yet but I was curious about what she had to say, so I stayed hidden behind a beam at the top of the stairs listening to what was being said.
“Mother please, I need to see him.” My mother pleaded “I have to make him understand…”
“Make him understand what Jennifer? How you could just throw him away like yesterday’s garbage because you felt it was more important to you to save your fucked up marriage?”
“MOTHER!”
“Don’t you dare mother me. That boy has been spending his nights crying himself to sleep for the better part of year hoping and praying that you would come back for him. He trusted you to love him and to protect him” Grandma said coldly.
It amazes me that Grandma knows me so well; that she actually pays that much attention to me to know how I cry at night. I always thought that was my dirty little secret, a part of myself that I would never have to share with the rest of the world. Grandma respected me enough to let me have that and I smiled a little at the thought that she really does love me, but as I kept listening what I heard next wiped the smile right off of my face.
“I know that it was my responsibility to love and protect him, it still is. And yes I’m sorry to hear that he’s suffering and hurting I truly am, but Craig would never accept Justin the way he is and I couldn’t live without Craig.”
“You mean because Justin is gay?”
I’m sure my mother must have been shocked by the accusation, but Grandma had thrown the gauntlet down challenging my mother to deny what they both knew to be true. The silence that ensued was deafening. It seemed like an eternity had passed before my mother’s ability to speak had returned.
“I’m sorry but…yes”
I couldn’t believe it. For the second time in as many days, it’s been confirmed for me how much of a fucking disappointment my parents thought I was. I pushed back the tears that threatened to spill because by this point I’ve heard enough and had resolved myself to go and confront my mother once and for all. I took a deep breath and proceeded down the stairs and into the living room as quietly as possible so that they wouldn’t notice me immediately. I entered the room just in time to hear my grandmother hiss “Shame on you Jennifer.” I took this opportunity to make my presence known.
“Yeah shame on you Mom.”
“J-Justin honey I didn’t see you standing there.” She says nervously as she stands to face me. “How have you been?”
This has got to be some kind of joke. One minute she’s telling my grandmother that she couldn’t let her faggot son come home because she couldn’t bare to be without her precious husband, then pretending to actually care about my wellbeing the next. Ha, the whole thing is so fucking laughable that it’s pathetic. What even makes her think she has the right to ask anything about me after all the things she said? While she stands there waiting for an answer, I just fold my arms across my chest and arch an eyebrow her way and ask as calmly as I can “What? You really wanna know?”
“Of course I do honey.”
“That’s funny, because it’s my understanding that you couldn’t be bothered to care how I’ve been doing because Craig would never accept for who I am.”
I can see the tears begin to form in her eyes but I can’t let that concern me. She needs to understand how much she hurt me by choosing a one-sided marriage over her only son. Surprisingly her next statement was to be expected.
“It’s not like that Justin.” I narrow my eyes as I look at her while trying to figure out just who the hell she thinks she’s fooling.
“Really? Then how is it Mom? Because at the end of the day nothing is going to change, I’m not going to change. I like dick, I want to get fucked by dick, and I want to suck dick.”
“Justin, Language!” Grandma scolded gently.
“I’m sorry if that upsets or doesn’t fit into your little country club lifestyle mom.” By this time the tears I’d been keeping at bay have started to flow unheeded.
“Justin I never meant to hurt you, you have got to believe me.”
“Yeah right, just like I believed you when you promised not to tell him I was gay in the first place. That was all bullshit though wasn’t it, because you fucking told him the first chance you got.”
My mother actually had the good grace to hang her head in shame.
“Alright let’s just stay calm,” grandma says quietly trying to ease the tension. “Justin why don’t you go take a walk and cool off some while I finish talking to your mother.”
Every fiber of my being wanted to scream HELL NO this is my home and if anyone should have to leave it’s her. Grandma must have been reading my thoughts because it was at that precise moment that she gave me a warning glare making it more than clear that she was not fucking around.
“Fine,” I mutter under my breath before I turn to leave. I’m almost to the front door and damn near jump out of my skin when I hear a voice from behind me say “Mind if I walk with you?”
“Jesus fucking Christ Brian, you scared the hell out of me. How long have you been standing there anyway?”
“Long enough to know that the old lady is right, a little cooling off period will do you some good.”
I’m not sure if it was the fact that my little episode with my mother had left me feeling emotionally drained or maybe it was my lack of strength to continue fighting, but when Brian reached out and took my hand in his I didn’t resist.
We walked until we reached Nelson Park and found a grassy knoll in a secluded area overlooking Lake Decatur where we could sit and talk in peace. The view of the various sailboats floating along the water was breathtaking and served as the perfect way for me to de-stress.
“Are you okay Sunshine?” he asked after we had been sitting silently for a while.
“I don’t know,” I sighed
“God…maybe they’re right, maybe this whole fucking mess is all my fault.”
Brian moved closer to me and started to play with the hairs at the back of my neck. I knew that he was only doing it to try to make me feel better, but I couldn’t help but revel in how good it felt to have him touching me like this. I unconsciously leaned into his touch, drawing from it the strength and comfort I so desperately needed at the moment.
“That’s where you’re wrong, they only have themselves to blame for their ignorance,” he says softly.
“They cause their own pain just like everyone else. So if they can’t accept you for the person you are I say fuck ‘em.”
I wish I could be as cavalier about letting go of my parents as Brian is. Even after all they have put me through; I can’t just stop loving them. I guess that’s the real reason why it hurts so much.
“I can’t do that Brian; I can’t just turn off my feelings like that.” I tell him warily
“Well then you’ll always be hurt.” He whispers to me then he does something quite unexpected.
Brian gently takes my face in his hands and softly brushes his lips against mine causing a fire to ignite within me that I’ve only ever felt in my dreams. Soon enough he begins to deepen the kiss as I wound my fingers in his soft auburn tresses.
His tongue pressed slightly against my mouth asking permission for entry. I slowly parted my lips and allowed the sweet intrusion and was intoxicated by the taste of him. He kept one hand at the nape of my neck as we continued to kiss while his free hand moved southward to massage my denim clad erection.
“That feels so fucking good,” I moaned in pleasure
My cock was hard and leaking profusely and I wanted nothing more than for him to keep touching me. I wanted Brian to make me forget about all the shitty facets that made up my life.
“So good,” he moaned against my lips and it emboldened me as I let my hands explore him, feeling the sinewy muscles of his body.
“God I want you,” he breathed in my ear as he starts to gently lay me down leaving a trail of butterfly kisses along my neck. “Brian wait,” I whispered
When I suddenly pulled away; leaving us both panting and wanting more, he looked at me curiously. I was so lost in all the delicious sensations that I had negated to tell Brian that I’ve never done this before. Sure there were a few kisses and touches here and there, but never anything this intense.
“Justin, are you alright? Don’t tell me that all of a sudden you’re modest,” he chuckled “If memory serves me correct, you’ve already seen me naked because I’m sure your grandmother wasn’t the one to undress me and put me to bed.”
“Brian….I-I’ve never been with anyone before”
There I said it. I can feel my face flush crimson as he scrutinizes me as if he were looking for any sign of deception. When he’s satisfied that I’ve told him the truth, he assures me that we don’t have to go any further if I’m not ready and that he’s content to wait until I am.
“Don’t worry Sunshine, you’ll know when the time is right.” He says and kisses me again “We should probably start heading back anyway, I’m sure Grandma is starting to worry about you.”
“No, let’s stay awhile”
Where the hell did that come from?
“Are you sure?” he asks
I answer him by placing and hand at the back of his neck and pulling him into a passionate kiss. We spent the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon talking, laughing, and making out like the horny teenagers that we were….and at that moment life couldn’t be sweeter.