JUSTIN

Rocky swatted his mouse at Regina, they were both being assholes to Sunny.  My squad and I have some talking to do, because when I came to the loft to drop off Sunny, there sat Regina and Rocky, not looking too happy that Sunny had more toys. I shrugged at them because it’s Brian’s fault not mine, all I got was the old one eye and a swish of the tail.

Brian was busy yelling over the phone about the KEY. I couldn’t say much because my squad swiped mine and made copies the first day I moved here. Something about not wanting to find my face eaten off because I died without any of them knowing. Really I didn’t need that visual, because I checked, and yeah it’s a possibility.

Regina, Rocky, Sunny, and I watched as Brian explained in detail how he felt about MM’s idea of the use of an ‘emergency’ key. Which was kind of funny when Lindsay opened the door with her ‘emergency’ key. Oh my God, she brought reinforcements in the baby quest. Gus really didn’t look like he wanted to be here.

“Hello Justin, I guess Brian’s still not happy with Michael.” She tells me.

“Yes, apparently he was trying to teach MM the difference between using his emergency key willy nilly and using it appropriately.” I tell her, although I don’t think she caught my hint. Do they not understand that naked time is being interrupted by people who can’t understand the word EMERGENCY.

“Michael has always taken advantage of his key.” She tells me, which leads me to believe that maybe the bleach she used to get the blond hair might have stayed in too long, or soaked in too deep.

“So what emergency brings you here?” I ask, after a very hostile Brian slams the bathroom door shut.

“Gus wanted to see Brian, and well, I just thought it was a good time. You two aren’t doing anything, right?” She smiles. Well no, we aren’t, but it could be because LBF has turned into a CBLBF. Maybe that’s the plan, make it impossible for Brian to use his sperm, unless it’s for her. Yuck, I really didn't need that visual either.

Brian comes out and scowls when he sees Lindsay sitting there. Which she obviously misinterpreted as him being thrilled to see her. Gus scoots closer to me as Brian asks Lindsay to come to the bedroom to talk, which really lowers the volume.

Gus and I were both trying to contain the giggles when Brian asked how many ways he could say no to her. I think Brian needs a lesson in WASP 101. You say no, they hear ‘just keep asking until your victim says yes’. Lindsay started again about how Brian was everything they wanted for their child, I look at Gus and yeah, he got the goods from Brian.

When the door opened again, I really had to wonder if there is like a sign outside this building that says, ‘Ignore the locks, the look of ‘get the fuck out’, and come right up, invaders are always welcome.’ Well I couldn’t say no to the cookies, they were still warm and gooey. Mel came and sat down with us on the floor and Rocky, the traitor, crawls on her lap.

“So has she gotten to how Brian is everything you could want for a father?” She asks us.

“Yeah, you missed that one.” I tell her, going to get some milk.

“What about how great it was to have Gus?” She asks me, high fiving Gus.

“Your kind of late for that one too.” I tell her.

“Brian, think of Gus, what if he needed life saving blood.” She tells him.

“Um, does Gus have some exotic blood type?” I ask because it could be argued if he does.

“O.” Gus tells me, chasing Regina to the other side of the loft.

“I think it’s more that Brian won’t fall for the same shit as last time.” She tells me.

“Why aren’t you in there trying to sperm dive.” I ask her, and really I only said it to see if she’d cringe, which she did, and did a full body shake, come on it’s not that bad. Well I don't think so, but lesbian usually means ‘avoid the sperm’.

“Brian and I already agreed we weren't birthing the antichrist. We both know that with our control issues, we'd be in trouble if our DNA mixed.” She tells me.

“Is there some reason you're not stopping her?” I ask, a little confused. Oh hell, a whole lot confused.

“You mean stop Lindsay from irritating Brian, you do get that we like pissing off each other?” She asks me.

“You and Lindsay like to irritate each other?” I asked, because why would that be fun? I mean, my past relationships sucked a twenty on the scale of ten, but mostly because individuality tends to make men cranky.

“Please, Lindsay can’t argue to save her life, it's all ‘But Mel, I didn’t mean to say anything to upset you’ then she goes and makes tofu chicken. Brian’s like the only worthy opponent in this group.” She tells me, grabbing my non vegan meat lovers pizza from the fridge.

“You know that has like real meaty goodness?” I ask, not really caring, but you know I was saving that for later. Her answer was to take a huge bite. I'm starting to think Mel is a secret meat lover. Here's the thing, when you moan like that it should be for so many other reasons, not pepperoni.

I sat watching Mel devour MY PIZZA, and decided to control the lesbian. It's just that no gay man likes moaning that sounds rather like, I don't know, a woman. Snatching the box I realized there was only one place it was safe, my house. I grabbed my cats and slid a slice for Gus out, because it's just wrong for him to suffer the nightmare that is vegan, and trotted my giggling ass home.

And I should have just stayed, because I walk into a screaming MM. Not the way you probably think, oh no, apparently Deb and the girls with the help of Drew, to hold him down, and Emmett to heat some wax, decided to makeover MM. How did this turn into them doing it here is anyone's guess. At this point I figure Mel could use the entertainment, so I call, because she'd probably enjoy inflicting some pain. What I didn’t count on was Lindsay is really the pain giver in this relationship.

Here's the thing, I watched this infomercial once where they tried to convince the morons that were watching it doesn't hurt, and let me tell you, this moron will never try to artistically wax that area again. Brian winced when they turned a crying MM over. September was getting rid of the scruff, pretending to be chest hair, but LBF seemed to think it needed extra hot wax. Mel even started to look a little worried and she should be, because LBF was just enjoying the muffled cries of pain a little too much. Did I mention they like stuffed a sock in MM’s mouth? Which apparently was Deb’s idea, and looking at her sockless sneakers, I decided the less I know the better.

So Daphne, who really doesn’t understand MY Pizza, grabs a slice and starts to explain how MM landed his ass in this predicament.

“After he got reamed, in not the way he professes to like, by Brian, he went to Emmett and Drew’s, where we were all hanging out, and started running his mouth. Saying that Emmett, Brian, and Ted became dickless fags, because you know, they can’t compete with MM in the stud department. When that didn’t seem to get a reaction out of any of us, he hit on Drew, to prove MM has it. Which pissed off Emmett and Deb, who decided that they needed to help MM have it. Hence Emmett’s idea of getting rid of all offending things MM.” She tell us.

“How did that end up here and not, say, at Emmett’s?” I ask, because I get them wanting to get rid of the unibrow, but why here?

“Oh, well we were going to test this wax and I kind of dropped it off in your bathroom.” She tells me, trying to get away.

“I am not your test dummy.” I tell her, but then it doesn’t hold a lot of weight when they’ve dressed me in things that I will never live down.

“Justin, I’m sure Brian would love what we had in mind.” She tells me, trying not to snicker when LBF yanks the strip hard. Even I whimpered, because that strip was from down south. I looked at the men in the room and yeah boys, don’t ever piss off women, they make sure it hurts.

“Justin is smooth in all the right places and you will not change the places that aren’t.” Brian warns them, and right then I decided to give Brian a few hundred blow jobs for that.

When they started looking through my closet for clothes, I had to get out the boob house slippers that I would never wear, but the girls thought would be cute, so not.

Then I notice a box with a card. Brian was staring at the boobs, looking very disappointed that I had them, but you know when someone gives you a gift you hate, you just find a place where they can still see the gift. I open the box and turn to Brian who grabs my boobs and throws them at Emmett. Me, I decided that Mr Kinney can buy me presents all he wants.

Brian closes the door, and hey if they want to stay, they stay on the other side of the door. Which never works when MM escapes the mad scientists outside. He runs through the door with my cats following the boobs that are kind of jiggling and you know if it moves they tend to want to paw at it. Of course they have to catch MM who doesn’t watch enough horror movies, you don’t go into a room with no escape, because the psycho’s will catch you. I watch, as for once, the squad runs in after someone other than me. I was too busy petting my duckies, while Brian was busy rearranging me on his lap and yes that is not a banana in his pocket. I wiggle until I get comfortable. I was just thinking that maybe if I just wiggle enough I could help a brother out, you know. Which would have been great if I didn’t look up to see Mom standing there. Why is it you suddenly feel like a naughty two year old when your mom gives you the mom stare?

“So are you Justin’s new boyfriend?” Mom asks, ignoring the girly screams for us to save MM from everyone.

When I announce that I didn’t have a boyfriend, my soon to be ex tells my mother, who has been salivating at the chance for a son-in-law, ‘Yes, Mother Taylor, I certainly am.”  

I picked up Elmer and Fred (Yes I already named the duckies) and turned to Brian. “Enjoy all the mother of the groom magazines she’s about to subscribe you too.” I tell him, then did my duty and kissed my mom, telling her that Brian really likes ruffles. Take that, Mr Kinney.