JUSTIN 

I have decided that I need to watch something other than serial killer specials on the Discovery Channel. Because when we first arrived at this deserted house in the middle of nowhere, all I could think was how they take their victim somewhere where escape is impossible. You want to know what I see when I look at the giant fireplace? Spit-roasted Justin, and not in any way I could see as fun. What I thought was weird was how Brian was looking at the house like he'd never been here. If I owned a house this big, my cats and I would have already explored every nook and cranny.

“Why are you looking like you've never seen this place?” I ask, because silence freaks me out.

“I bought it as an investment, but now I'm wondering if I should keep it. It would stop people from showing up at the drop of a hat. ” He tells me. 

“Unfortunately in my life, it would just encourage Daphne and posse to never leave, but on the plus side I could adopt more cats.” I tell him. 

“I was just thinking that it would solve a couple issues, none of which includes ten cats and you.” He tells me. 

“Ten, are you kidding… I could have like thirty and you'd never know it in this house.” I tell him, mostly kidding.

“Do you ever see your life and wonder if…” 

The knocking on the door will forever leave me wondering... what? Brian looked at the door as if he was deciding whether to nail it shut or tear it down, when we hear MM yelling to be let in. I start to worry about Ted when Brian starts talking to himself.

“I'm going to build the biggest fire Pittsburgh has ever seen if Ted is on the other side of that door, then you know what I'm going to do? He asks me, but continues without me answering. “Roast Ted’s ass over it.” He tells me. 

Which really didn't help my death by spit-roast idea. I decided to save Ted by covering the fireplace with a sheet. When I turn around I could see Brian was not amused.

“Good idea, I can tie them in the sheet like a big doobie, before I smoke their asses.” He tells me, going to the door. 

Before we get into how I managed to escape killer mansion, I'd like to point out that it's not my fault what happened. I was minding my own business, when MM decided to kick me out. I was perfectly willing to leave when he took off his shirt and pants for his idea of an underwear party. 

Brian didn’t make it to the door before MM let himself and about thirty guys in. When Brian’s cell rang, I had a feeling it was too late to warn Brian, which could have something to do with the troll patrol showing up. I mean, I usually try to think nice thoughts, no matter how the phrase ‘only a mother could love’ should have been explained in detail to Michael. It was when one of them tried to rub up on Brian that the whole mess started, because Daphne must have turned on my GPS she could find her GBF. So while Brian is glaring way down at the guy who could have been my dad, Daphne and squad managed to get in. I could see the minute the girls realized that this was like an outcast party, which with MM should only be expected. 

Daphne gave me and Brian the ‘I expected better men’ look. 

“HEY, CAN YOU PLEASE STOP TAKING IT OFF AND START PUTTING IT ON, BECAUSE THERE IS WAY TOO MUCH MAN BOOB SHOWING.” September yells.

“Justin, Brian just lost points with the squad.” Daphne tells me, wrinkling her nose at the guy who’s back hair could get him some gorilla love.

“This is all MM.” I tell her loudly over the music that someone started playing.

“Who’s MM?” A guy, that should never wear speedos, asks.

“It’s what I call the host of this example of un-hotness.” I tell him when he tries to feel me up.

“Michael, this guy is calling you M&M.” The guy yells.

“Like the candy or rapper?” Michael comes over, doing what I assume is dancing.

They look at me, but of course Daphne, who loves to tell everyone everything, answers for me. “Justin nicknamed you Mickey Mouse but after looking at you I think he’s being a bit mean to old Mickey Mouse, he really should have called you Mini Mouse.” She tells him.

“Who the fuck invited the twink and the twat to my party?” MM yells, and I smiled because hey, he’s still MM.

“Why the fuck are you even here?” Brian stands in front of MM, glaring.

“To party with you.” He tells Brian like an eager beaver, I would have said puppy but they’re cute and super dud in underoos just isn’t.

“Seriously Brian, we had high hopes for the squad to find some GBFs tonight, but there is just no way to convince the girls that hunch back and MM are candidates for anything but a circus.” September tells him.

You know there are times when I worry about that girl, can she not see the glare, or is she really blinded by the body. 

“Daphne, maybe you could take the girls to the kitchen.” I whisper when Ted and Emmett come in.

“Brian, I didn’t tell Michael.” Ted tells him, almost scared.

“Please don’t kill me, but when Daphne showed me the address and asked who lived here, I kind of spilled what Teddy told Blake in the strictest confidence. I didn’t know Michael was there.” Emmett tells him, and poor Teddy just couldn’t win.

“Guys, who cares how I found out, look around, there’s enough tricks that we could hang here for a week having a good time.” MM really wanted to get Teddy killed.

“MM, have you really looked at what you're calling a good time?” I ask, then realized that I should have kept my mouth shut.

“Excuse me, but until you came my friends were out to have a good time. I’m going to do Brian a favor and kick your stalking ass out.” He tells me grabbing the front of my shirt, he yanked so hard that I ended up tripping and was saved by speedo’s stomach.

MM should really pay attention because when speedo tried to smack me, I ducked and MM got a backhand to the head. I have to say, after the spanking his mom gave me, that MM must be used to being smacked because he didn’t even flinch. He only turned, and when he did I was standing there, which somehow made him think I did it and not the bear behind me. Daphne of course, wasn’t going to let MM blame me, but ended up on her ass when MM reared back to punch me. Which had the squad on Michael like vultures on a carcass. Michael was screaming for someone to get the bitches off him, which really pissed off the girls. I will never forgive them for ripping the underoos off, because I just lost what little hope I had left for MM. 

Brian at this point seemed to just watch, as MM was handed his ass by the squad, but it was when MM knocked Alexia off and punched me in the eye, that I think Brian just had enough, but it seems the cops that were checking on the noise complaint didn’t appreciate the penis flying at them. MM and company were escorted from the house by someone who was apparently MM’s stepdad, who didn’t look very happy about having to pick up MM.

MM just couldn’t go quietly. Nope, he decided to take me with him and launched his blanketed ass, I find it important to add the blanket to this, because otherwise I would have been bleaching my skin, at me. I might be all ‘live and let live’ but he already probably left me with a black eye, so fair is fair, I gave him two to match my one. Which is how we all ended up at Mom’s house, who I’ve decided is much scarier than a naked MM.

BRIAN

Why I ever thought there was such a thing as a secret in this group is going to forever be the death of Ted or Emmett. Well, Ted because Blake is not a problem, but Drew, well I just don’t even want to test that one. After watching Justin handle MM, I realize that he might need a keeper for mundane things, but the twat’s scrappy. Carl let us all know we were going to see Mom, which was an order and not an option. This is not how I wanted to show up with Justin at Deb’s. 

Deb opened the door and we all knew just to sit down and wait for it. When Justin saw her, he backed is ass to a place I’ve wanted him, but not with clothes on.

“She already spanked my ass, and I’m still bruised.” Justin whispers, holding my hips against his ass. 

Which made me forget why we came here. Unfortunately, before I could carry Justin with me to the bathroom, or even a closet would work, Deb pointed to the couch.

“I want to know why my husband got a call, Michael?” Deb asks a confused Michael.

See, when Michael left, Deb started to notice that there were less dramas going on, so being the smart woman she can be, she asked a lot of questions about things that at the time she blamed on me, or well, anyone but Michael. Then she found out there was one common denominator in every instance, Michael. Which now makes it harder for her to find fault with us, when once again her son is in the middle of a mess.

“The party at Brian’s house got out of hand because of him.” Michael points to my lap warmer.

“Sunshine, what happened to your eye?” Deb asks Justin, holding his face.

“What about me, he hit me.” Michael tells her.

Which didn’t get him anything but a glare from Mom. Michael just can’t compete with Justin, Michael whines, and Justin looks like he wouldn’t hurt a fly.

“I’m sure you did something to make him hit you.” Deb tells Michael.

“He smacked me, first.” Michael says, like he’s three.

“I did not, it was Guido in the speedo, but to be fair, I ducked and he smacked MM.” Justin tells her.

“Stop calling me MM.” Michael snaps.

“I want to know why Carl was called, because you were running naked at Brian’s house.” Deb tells him. 

“Ted you're fired.” I tell him.

“You can't fire Ted.” Justin turns, giving me a look that means I'm keeping Ted if I want any chance with Justin. 

“Why the fuck would Brian care what you say?” Michael glares at us.

“He's my pimp.” Justin tells everyone, which really didn’t sound as great when Deb heard it.  

“Brian, is there something you want to tell me?” Deb glares.

So in the interest of saving my life, I said the one thing only she would get. “Remember the might, I'm trying to turn it into HAVE.” I tell her, loving that no one but Deb understood me.

Which was all it took for her to let me and her new favorite go, while detaining the others. I smiled at Ted and Emmett when Deb turned to them.

“So as far as second dates go, how'd I do?” I asked Justin as he was getting out of my car.

“You really need to talk to someone about what people do on dates.” He tells me. 

“So I guess I'm not getting to second base?” I really want a home run.

Justin’s answer wasn’t encouraging, which was getting out of the car and slamming the door.