BRIAN

Mother Taylor is like Deb, only more refined. Which just made the two of them join forces in my capture of Justin. So I explained how he seems to like the sex but then tends to shy away from anything more. Which didn't even cause Mother Taylor to cringe, which was really strange. So it really just helped my cause when the squad and the moms joined forces. I will also kiss the ground Mother Taylor walks on for pulling Lindsay to the side and explaining that me saying NO was not a jumping off point to achieving a yes. How did this woman have such a flighty son? But then I really like Justin’s absurdity, so go Mom. 

“Lindsay Dear, you really should pick someone your partner wants, not who you think would be a good father. I’m sure Brian is a wonderful father, but even I see that neither one of them want the other to be the parent of their next child. Deb and I have to wonder what you were thinking.” Jen tells her. I’m slightly worried that Deb and Jen seem to have made friends that fast.

“It’s just, Brian is the man who I can see being the father to my children.” Lindsay is a lesbian, but there are days when I really wonder about that. 

“Brian, you’re gay, not, what’s that term Deb?” Shit it’s like watching twins when she and Deb start to talk. 

“Some people call it bi-curious, but I just call it open to all.” Deb tells her with authority.

“I’m one hundred percent playing for Justin.” I say, figuring we should get that out of the way.

“So see, he’s never going to be the WASP alternative family of your dreams.” Jen says it so nicely, but well, it’s the truth.

“Lindsay, no amount of campaigning for sperm is going to change the fact that Brian and I would produce the ultimate control freak.” Mel tells her, but you know I don’t think that’s the way to win, Lindsay likes control freaks. Exhibits A and B sitting in the room.

“Brian, it’s not like we expect anything more from you than you already do for Gus.” She pleads, and I look up to see Justin staring at her like he’s trying to figure her out. I almost went over when the hairless Mikey stood next to Justin and they start talking quietly to each other.

“Lindsay, let go of the image in your head, Brian WILL NOT be helping you this time, he's busy with my son. I'm sure there are other candidates who would gladly give you a donation.” Jen tells her. Which part of me wants to argue that no one tells me what to do, but well, she's just helping me, so I just play dutiful son-in-law, in training, for her. 

All I can say is the WASP Laser Beam was aimed at Drew, so, win. 

JUSTIN

I’ll admit that I hid in my office, praying that my mom wouldn’t show up to tell me that Brian was just her dream son-in-law. My mom has spent way too much time becoming ‘Gay Mother of the Year’. It wasn’t until I realized that she and Deb started talking that I knew I needed to control the situation. The last thing I needed is Spanking Deb and Gay Protector Mom joining forces. I mean I think what Brian and I have works, without all the messy things that come from a relationship. 

But as usual, my mom decides to deal with all the things that could make her quest for son-in-law an obstacle. Someone else taking the possible grandchild’s sperm is not it. Well unless, it’s like a surrogate situation, which I only know because she sends me all sorts of pamphlets for me to see what I need to do to get her a grandchild. It’s like the minute the kids grow up and leave the Mom gene screams grandchildren. Why isn’t she after Molly for this? She’d be able to give my mom grandchildren without all the research. I managed to tune in when Lindsay proves that she’s persistent despite no one siding with her quest.

MM, who at least kept the hair on his head, stands next to me eating. I look at my empty pizza box and well, I think after the all body wax and the rainbow colored nails, he deserves it. I silently mourn my losses, because I can order one when they all leave my house. Which really needs to be soon, I mean how do I keep my hermit card when people keep dragging me out of my humble abode and why haven't I kicked everyone out?  Okay, it could be because I’m kind of hoping Brian can help me out, the whole lap dancing just revved me up and I NEED him to finish what he started.

“She’s always trying to get Brian to do things, and most of the time she gets her way.” MM tells me quietly, which really, for him is an accomplishment.

“How does Mel put up with her worship of all things Brian?” I ask, because sorry, I don’t get how that works.

“I used to think that Mel kind of had a thing for Brian, you know like when you're a kid and you pull the hair of the person you like, so they pay attention? Now I just think it gives Mel a way to argue with Brian and not seem like she gets along with him, which would drive Lindsay completely nuts. Lindsay seems to like that they fight.” He tells me, and yeah, I had that theory too.

“Hey, you have anything else to eat?” MM asks when the box came up empty.

“I have four girls who come to my house all the time, what do you think?” I ask him, following him to my refrigerator which had way too much healthy shit in it. 

“We could go eat at the diner?” He suggests, and really, somehow MM and I getting along just never seemed to be a possibility, but then it’s really about finding food.

“Why are you being all nice now?” I ask, because really he's more fun when he's MM.

“Dude after all the running, I'm kind of hungry, you're like the only one who doesn't try to save your arteries. Every time I take one of the gang out to eat with me, they all seem to think in order to achieve this great body, I need to eat rabbit food.” I send a prayer of thanks for MM’s continued delusions of grandeur. It just messes up the whole dynamic when he acts normal.

I check to see how Mommy is doing with the LBF and I can see she's making headway, because LBF is now looking at Drew, as if his sperm could do the trick. Poor Emmett hasn't seen the tidal wave headed at him. Brian's smirk at Emmett tells me he's caught on.

I grab Sunny, because Regina and Rocky are still playing jealous siblings. I grab the tuna steak, so they don't feel like I'm playing favorites. Also because I have no idea where it came from, to me the can is fine, but it seems Mr Kinney has to have the real thing. I should have just thrown it in their bowls but like the wonderful dad I try to be, I cut it up to make it easier. MM looks at me like I'm the one with the problem, but he really needs to remember who just lost everything south of the Mason- Dixon line, but then I have to wonder why anyone wanted to see MM’s goodies. So it really calls into question who the crazy people really are, at least in my head.

MM and I start to head out the backdoor, but really, next time I just open the can because it’s like they all exploded into my kitchen. Deb grabs MM and sits him at the table and I slid into a seat because no way is that hand coming near me. Brian pulls me up and sits me down on his lap, which really, he thinks this is going to stop my mom, all it does is make her smile bigger.

“You do realize that my mother is going to be a nightmare.” I warn Brian because really, she’s got the gleam. The one that says I’m going to make sure my son has a ring on his finger.

“If it makes you realize you’ve been in a relationship with me, then go Mom.” Asshole, can’t he just say booty call, because my mom is visualizing matching Armani in her head. Which is the only way she’s going to see it on my ass.

“Relationships require both parties acknowledging it, and I refuse to, since I’ve never been asked on a date, or well, anything your mind comes up with.” I state with conviction.

“He’s right you know, asking a guy on a date or at least asking him anything would get you further along.” MM tells him, which once again is killing MM’s asshole points. “But then again it’s not like you’ll give a shit when a better ass comes along.” MM is back.

All conversations stop when Emmett starts shreking like a madman. 

“Twenty on Emmett figuring out why Lindsay gave up on Brian.” Deb tells us.

Like anyone was going to take that bet, we all like to keep our money. Emmett comes in, dragging Drew behind him. He stops when he sees all of us attempting to keep a straight face. 

“NO ONE, AND I MEAN NO ONE, GETS HIS LIFE GIVERS.” Emmett yells loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear.

When Lindsay comes in, I really wanted to tell everyone my kitchen isn’t big enough for the whole of Liberty Avenue to be in. I mean they all packed in around the walls and counters. I drew the line when September looked at me like I should give her time in Brian’s lap. I pointed to the squad against one wall, which she stuck her tongue out at me for, but made her way to squeeze into my already overflowing kitchen. They really need to find dates if this is their excitement, but then I don’t have room to talk because I wanted to see who won, the Queen or the WASP.

“Emmett, Drew and Mel could make such beautiful kids. Think about it, we could have a princess to dress.” Lindsay really thinks that’s why Emmett would want a kid. I pick up Sunny, because the squad started looking at her like dressing her would be cute. 

“You might want to hide Sunny when the girls visit.” I tell Brian.

“NO.” Brian tells them, and I hate him because they just all nod in unison. I have never gotten them to stand down when they want something and all he has to say is ‘NO’, it’s just completely unfair.

“I don’t care, because Drew’s sperm isn’t entering anything that I don’t approve of.” Emmett tells them. I almost asked if there was some other place than Emmett approves of that Drew could make a deposit in, but decide against entering the fray. 

“Before this goes any further, I’d like to suggest doing this somewhere else.” Mom tells them.

“Jen is right, how about if we all go to Brian’s loft? That way I can put Gus to bed.” Lindsay tells everyone. I get up and start to wonder where the tyke was, I saw him come in but then he kind of got lost in the madness. 

Brian follows me as we start searching the house. I think it was then that everyone realized they forgot Gus. It’s a strong argument that Lindsay should worry about the kid she has before trying to make another one. We found him curled up on my bed with my duckies. Brian pulled the blanket over him and I got to see how much he loved his son. 

At that point, I decided that although my booty call would need to be postponed, that it was time to get the party out of my house. Well maybe we could work in the booty call, but only if Brian learned to be quiet.

“I’m not the screamer in this relationship.” He tells me, and for once I was more concerned that I once again said it out loud than the word he keeps using.