September 2006

Justin's POV

I can't believe I've been here over a year already. Seems like just yesterday I arrived in John F. Kennedy Airport looking for what I didn't know. Success? Independence? The truth was that I'd left both of those things back in Pittsburgh in the form of one man. Brian Kinney. Remembering him and our tumultuous relationship- or non-relationship as we termed it- I can't help but smile and tear up at the same time. When things were good between Brian and I, things were really good. My outlook on life was a lot different. I guess one could say it was fucking rainbows and unicorns. A pipe dream of course but it was mine. I could never regret much of it because I learned some valuable life lessons about being a man and standing on my own two feet which is why I've been here in New York for the past year. It hasn't stopped me from wishing, wanting, waiting or whiling away the time until I can go home and return to the man I love with every fiber of my being as his equal. Standing here on this crowded subway, I can still feel him- or at least I think I can. God it has been so fucking long since I've held him...since he's held me. Being with him was as natural as breathing and just as necessary. The thing that sucked most of all was it had taken him five years to admit aloud what I already knew. But that was Brian- enigmatic, secretive and stubborn until the end. And although he loves me and I love him, there were times over this past year when I questioned it instead of living joyously in it. It's funny, I'm the impulsive one mostly whereas Brian was usually the over-thinker until he made his mind up and then he acted impulsively. Yet in this, he was the one in a hurry. He pushed me to do this but it was gentle and heartfelt this time; not the Kinney cliff he'd pushed me off of several years ago. It hurt yet I understood his reasons just as he understood mine for finally saying ‘okay.' We've both made hard decisions and sacrifices throughout it all just to be together. Sadly, that seems all in vain now because I am here and he's there. It fucking sucks but that's the real of it. We speak on the phone and when I tell him I love him, he replies "Me too." It makes me smile inside because that is just like Brian Kinney. I tell him I want to come home and he says, "Suck it up, Sunshine. What you need isn't going to be found in the Pitts." It always causes a small argument with me stating that I can paint anywhere and him telling me to stay my ass in New York, to work hard and play harder. In my heart I know he's right-there's rarely a time he isn't-but it hurts so fucking bad. Sleeping has been almost non-existent so I work until I'm too exhausted to dream or want anything but sleep. My roommate, Lucas, keeps insisting that I need to get out more and mingle instead of work all the time. The problem is that I don't want to. I've already had the best homosexual on the planet. Nothing and no one compares to that.

Stepping off the train on my way back to my less than stellar existence, I'm reminded that I wouldn't have been able to move from point A to point B without Brian. If it wasn't for his patience and support after Chris Hobbs bashed me, I wouldn't survive the sea of humanity in the amazingly overcrowded place. Again I smile, remembering out game of hide and seek in the middle of Liberty Avenue . I wore blue that day. So did he. It's amazing how the smallest details become so clear when you least expect it like the fact that it wasn't overly warm in the sunny areas of the street but it was damn cool in the shade of the building where he was standing. I remember being bumped into several times by unknown people in my quest to find him. Several times I thought I would have a breakdown or that he'd left me and was probably waiting in the diner as an act of tough love. But then there he was...arms wide open, waiting for me to fill them. Just being able to make it to him without running and hiding restored my confidence and knowing that he would always be there at the end of the road gave me hope. But he isn't here now. That thought hurt to the core knowing that when I return home- or what I should consider home but don't- Brian isn't waiting. According to Mikey, he's back to 'Brian' before he met me and that's fine I guess. I should have expected it but it hurts just the same. Babylon has been re-opened and once again he's ‘Cock of the Walk.' Yet in my heart, I know that he is different. Drinking, drugs and dudes were always is means of existing, of coping before me and sometimes during the story of us. Maybe I should try it too but then that was never me. Besides there isn't anyone I trust enough to watch my back in case I get out of hand. The only people who really give a fuck about me at all are in a place I can't go right now.

It hasn't been all bad though. My first art show practically sold out-five sold before the art show even happened thanks to Simon Caswell. That cunty art critic has been an agent of sorts and introduced me to everyone and everything considered for building my name and reputation here in New York. I'm up to show number six which is about a week away. I still mourn the lost of my two most treasured paintings but they were the first to go and that's okay. They were of the last time Brian and I saw each other before I boarded a plane and said goodbye to all I knew. I hope they found good homes and people who will appreciate the significance of them because they sure as hell weren't easy to let go of. But I had to because they hurt too much to keep. In my mind's eye, I still see the bittersweet moments of promises made, of longing, of fear and expectation; of love hard won, captured and lost at the hands of others but mostly because of ourselves. Each time I have a show, I invite him but he doesn't come. I want to ask him why but I know deep down he'll just hand me bullshit. I should have let him come with me but I couldn't bring myself to say that I was wrong. Besides he was just becoming a major player in Pittsburgh's advertising market and I couldn't let him uproot that for me. It would have killed his success before it even got started and I believe in Brian Kinney too much to allow that to happen. So I told him that I needed to see who I could be without him guiding me; to see if I could soar on my own. Perhaps that's why every time I tell him how lonely or unfulfilled I am he tells me to stay here. Punishment? Maybe but the life lesson about riding out the choices you make is a definite.

Going up the stairs again since the elevator is out in the building, I have to laugh. This apartment definitely lacks the charm of my former apartment and studio as wel as the sophistication of Brian's loft and he wouldn't have thought twice to tell me. I often think of Britin, wondering if it sold after Brian placed it on the market the morning after the first and last dinner party there. It was supposed to be an engagement party but well things happen, right? Climbing the five flights of stairs though would never compare to floating from room to room in Britin. The space and natural light was amazing. It really was a palace on a sprawling estate and yes, more than I've ever wanted or dared to dream. Brian gave me that. I very rarely allow myself to think about the proposal or what came after because if I do, I'll never stop crying. Been there, done that but sometimes I find myself dreaming about what would have happened if I had said ‘no' to moving here. Would we have really moved into Britin? Could we have been happy? I know I could have but would Brian? That's one of the answers that will always remain a mystery because I'm here and he's there and Britin is long gone.

Too many memories. Too many unanswered and unanswerable questions have caused me to need a shower and a drink; not necessarily in that order. Lucas thankfully will be out for the rest of the night because honestly if he tells me I need to go out with him one more time, I think I'll scream or commit murder, or both. I just want my bottle of Jim Beam and some pure, unadulterated, dream-less sleep so that my mind will keep quiet. I want to forget that I'm the biggest fucking idiot for leaving the man I love. Most of all I want to stop feeling like I'm selling my soul for fame and fortune while accepting loneliness in place of love. I wish I could turn the emotion off like I do the lights maybe conserve my own energy. With that thought in mind, I head off to my room to change clothes. With any luck no one is on the rooftop deck and I can sit and drink in peace while listening to the blaring sounds of horns and the city around me. Stripping down, dropping clothes where ever they fall, there's a subtle shift in the air behind me. It's scary but familiar in every way that's impossible since he's not here. Maybe the introspection of my thoughts today has caused a bunch of mini-strokes or something and it's fucked up my nervous system somehow. I'll make an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. Resuming what I was doing before I started hallucinating, I grab one of my favorite t-shirts which says ‘Breakfast Included' and a pair of sweats, no need for underwear since I'm going up not down. I can't help but chuckle at my raunchy sense of humor. At least I haven't lost that. Brian would have laughed and given me a firm hand to my under-used ass. The night wasn't overly cool but it doesn't stop me from reaching out for the matching hoodie just in case I fall asleep up there. I've done it before and woke just in time to see the sunrise. No matter where you are it's always beautiful to see. The constant stirring of air is driving me fucking crazy and I find myself more anxious than ever to get out of this damn apartment.

Turning from the darkness of this gloomy room, I find myself stuck in place by the silhouette in the dark shadow of my doorway. I know it but I can't believe that what I am seeing is even possible let alone real. It doesn't make any sense... How?

"Hello, Sunshine."

Does my damn voice still work? Just one fucking word playing in my mind. "Brian."

What is it about your love

That draws me to you

And although this is not the first time

I've tried to get away

But the magic of your love

Just would not let me stray

So I find that I can't stay away from you*

Brian's POV

I tried to stay away from him. I really did. No one, except maybe Justin, knows how tough this has been for me. I busied myself with work and the club; fucked myself into a drug-induced stupor almost every fucking night since he's been gone. Not because I wanted to but because of the need to exorcise him from every pore on my body. It hasn't helped one damn bit. I've been late answering his calls and emails although we've managed to speak a few times. Every single time he's asked my to visit, I tell him no. Not because I don't want to but because I wasn't sure that I could leave him. I'm still not sure and I can't stop my stomach from doing whatever god-awful flip thing it always did just because we're occupying the same place at the same time. I even went so far as to miss his first art shows here even though he practically begged me to come. I received first hand information from those who did come- Emmett, Ted, Debbie and Jennifer. Daphne and Molly were the most vocal in telling me that I should have been there and that I was a dumb ass for not going. I just couldn't bring myself to be there. Michael cajoled me into going to Babylon when all I really wanted to do was sit in the loft and drink myself into oblivion. I guess I could never really hide that from him no matter how much I tried. I couldn't really expect him to understand that I just wanted to be left alone so I gave in. Even now, I feel guilty about it. I still haven't quite been able to put my all of my defensive walls back up since this little blond twink bulldozed through them.

There he is looking as fresh-faced and as innocent as ever. Beautiful. There was so much I could've said but I just wanted to watch him- something I've missed doing these past eighteen months. It feels like forever yet it feels like he's never left. How the fuck is that even possible? There are definite changes to his little twink physique I can appreciate a little less than I do the man himself. He's still slender, perhaps a little too much so. His arms and chest are more defined as are his legs. That perfect bubble butt hasn't diminished one bit. I wonder if it still fills my hands the same. The thing I have been unwilling to admit even to myself is that I've missed him every second of every day. I tried to give him the space he needs to grow into himself as a man and I still will but...damn this is so fucking hard. I didn't think it would be. Everyone has the right to live their lives as they see fit; to choose their own path but this path was basically chosen for me. I would never have signed up to feel like this- alone, bereft, deserted and disappointed that he didn't tell all of them to fuck the hell off and chose me instead. But again, I understand so much although I will always say very little. They've told him time and again that I'm no good for him; Michael has said the same of Justin to me numerous times but we proved them wrong for a time. To me, Justin is already my equal in all the ways that matter; he just has to see that.

"What are you doing here? How did you get in?" Justin asked me. It's still dark in his room but I don't want to turn on the light or break the spell. Mostly though I don't want him to see my look of longing until I can fully check it.

"Your room mate- Lucas?- he let me in before he left for the evening. I was asleep in his bedroom when you came in. I had a long day."

"How is business?"

"Where are you going?" I countered. I saw when he picked up our favorite drink and grabbed his jacket.

I watched the deep rise and fall of his chest as he answered. "To the roof."

I couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped. "What? Are you planning on jumping or something? Beam and roof tops generally make a bad combination."

"Would you care?"

"I always cared, Sunshine, you know that."

The silence was deafening between us. I could feel the emotions roiling through him; they were the same as mine. I knew there were questions he would want answered and perhaps he was entitled to them but that didn't mean I felt like sharing. Some things were always better left unsaid and without command of my own emotions it was time to become aloof. To be the Brian Kinney he'd first met. He stood directly in front of me. I didn't even realize when he moved but I felt the familiar, warm touch on my arm and his equally warm breath filtering through the t-shirt I have on. It took all the mental strength I could muster not to toss him on the bed and ravish him. My dick is so hard just from the slightest touch and breath but I don't want him this way. He's more than a fuck to me and has been for a very long time.

His voice when he spoke was dreamlike."Let's go," he whispered softly. He'd obviously been affected, too. If the light was on, I would swear he was blushing and the nostrils on his cute little button nose were flared.

He moved past me then and my hands itched like hell to touch him. I followed him to the end of the hallway, making a left and bounding up the short amount of steps behind him. Although his apartment was smaller and less sophisticated that what we had at the loft, the roof top was amazing and tastefully decorated. Plush benches sat under a canopy at the back wall. Someone was thought full enough to have several barbecues set up but what caught my eye the most was a round area reminding me of pictures I'd seen when I was a kid from Jack going fishing.

"Do you come up here often?" I asked, keeping a steady pace with him. As always those shorter legs moved extra fast when he needed to put distance between the source of agitation...namely me. I couldn't stop the mental smile forming at the thought that I still had some power over him. It made me feel better that it wasn't all one-sided.

"Yeah, I do. Mainly when I need to be alone." He led us to the benches furthest away from the door. They were surprisingly comfortable and actually accommodated my height. Justin had to climb up which caused me to chuckle a bit which I put in the form of a small exaggerated cough. It wouldn't due to start in on the height jokes just yet.

"You can't do that in your apartment?"

He smiled at me and my heart skipped several beats before it regained normalcy. God I missed that bright smile reserved only for me. I could tell but then I knew him better than anyone. I wonder if I still do.

"I can't always think in the apartment. Sometimes I just need fresh air and sound around me.It helps me to think and visualize."

"How the hell can you do anything but scream in this noisy place?"

"And just think you wanted to move here some years ago. Have you lost your hard-on for New York then?"

I shook my head at him. "I have a very different type of hard on for New York now."

"Why are you here, Brian?" He asked me, his eyes pleading for answers I was not prepared to give. What was I supposed to say? Justin come home; I want you? It doesn't matter that you don't have what I have, we'll share it? I knew what those thoughts would get me- what they always got me- a stubborn, hard-headed, angry twink who would rather strip for cash than ask for help. That had happened once before until he realized it was counterproductive to his career goals There were other rumors which had circled around about Justin quitting but it was Justin's tale to tell. If he didn't want me to know then entire story, then I wouldn't. Noise from the traffic below drifted up to invade the space we occupied but I couldn't concentrate on anything else but him.

"You've been asking me to come visit for over a year and I finally decided to grace you with my presence yet you question it? I just decided on a small vacation."

"Uh-huh. That still doesn't explain to me why you are here. Isn't it White Party weekend in Miami? I thought for sure you would have gone there."

"It's in Palm Springs actually and no I didn't want to go there." Taking a deep breath I gave him a variation of the truth which would satisfy him. "I missed you."

He nodded. "Oh I see."

"What do you see?" I asked genuinely curious. Justin and I always did have a freaky mind-reading thing happening.

"I see that you couldn't come the other times I asked but now you could. Does everything have to be on your own terms all the time, Brian?"

"What's that supposed to mean, Justin?"

He shook his head, taking a long swallow of the amber liquid. I grabbed the bottle knowing that if we were going to argue I would need to drink heavily.

"What do you want from me, Brian?" He removed himself quickly from the seat and began pacing. It was something I'd rarely seen him do. The last time I'd seen him remotely do anything like it was the night before our rehearsal dinner when we privately called the wedding off. Even though the space beside the bed was small, he managed to put every bit of agitation in every single step and flounce of movement sort of how he was doing now. Fuck that hurt to think about and everything about this situation sucks. "Look, Brian, you've come an awfully long way to not tell me what it is you want so just say what it is already."

I took the abandoned bottle of Beam between my lips and gulped hastily. The burn felt good going down, grounding me, centering me- giving me liquid courage. "Right now what I want is you. The rest we can work out later. I've missed you, Justin." And it was enough as he sat on my lap and kissed me, stealing my breath. God, he felt so damn good. I can only hope that what I really want is something he'll agree to because I really cannot let him go.