If you are that special lover

Love keeps you tied to another

Sometimes heartstrings can be broken

But you just got to keep on going

That's the way it goes on Love's Train

If these sorrows, you've been sulkin'

You've just got to keep on strugglin'

That's the way it goes on Love's Train

In time everything's gonna be alright*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

February 2008- Sweet Dreams are NOT Made of These- Justin's Journal Entry

That fucking Eurythmics song has been replaying in my head all fucking morning. Especially the verse about some of them (whoever the fuck ‘them' are) want to abuse you; some of them want to be abused. I'm into S&M more than the average person I know- probably even more than Brian although that's definitely questionable- but I've never considered the lyrics regarding abuse before or I should say as much I do now. Most of the acts within that realm are all trust related and yeah some people need to feel pain in order to achieve pleasure. Hell sometimes, I need that but I only let Brian administer it because I trust him implicitly and I've never considered it abuse even when I'm damn near delirious when he is intentionally and cruelly (at least by my body's definition) denying my fucking orgasm. Which brings me to the question: who the fuck in their right minds would want to get abused? It almost makes me think that Annie was a bit high when she was singing it and got the lyrics wrong. What the fuck ever though because it was a hit and I actually like the song but with everything going on with me...

Moving the hell on right now...

So Daphne has finally gotten her way and gotten me to see her therapist. I told her I didn't need to have my fucking head shrunk but Daphne wouldn't hear otherwise. Okay...maybe she has plenty of reasons to think that I've been going out of my fucking mind. Sleep hasn't come easy for the past almost ten months since the incident. When I finally manage to sleep, it's plagued by all sorts of nightmares. It also doesn't help that we've moved twice since and I can't concentrate on anything for more than an hour at a time. Admittedly, my work is suffering...a bit I think. It's not that my painting aren't selling- they are but lately, the drawings are...disturbing. YES! That's the word- disturbing. The darker my dreams, the darker bent my work takes. Ordinarily, I wouldn't have a problem with stretching my wings but for some reason a lot of blood is involved in the paintings and a spotlight and Brian and I. I don't understand if it's a memory mixing in or why everything is jumbled when I wake up screaming. Last night, I dreamed about the scarf and Brian's tux shirt which is in a box at the loft. Why? When I wanted to throw it out, Brian wouldn't let me. He's strange like that- holds on to every little scrap of the things that hurt him but gives away unworn clothing from last season's Armani collection like it doesn't matter that a shirt cost four-hundred dollars. Then he'll say something cryptic like: Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Who the hell goes around quoting George Santayana on a whim? Only Brian... yet he preaches about living in the present. I have to shake my head at him sometimes because he is a man of supreme contradictions. Yet I love him and want to see him badly. I miss him so fucking much but I can't see him right now...I. Just. Can't. He's asking when my schedule is free and I can't bring myself to set a date.

I still think this is the dumbest idea Nicole has come up with yet. But I know why it's necessary to write it instead of draw or paint it. It doesn't make it easier but a journal is much easier to destroy in the end and it isn't as lasting as canvas nor as expensive. I keep wondering what the hell I did wrong. I didn't lead that fucker on or anything.... Let me back up and start at the beginning which would make sense since it's the beginning of this damn journal which wouldn't exist in the first place except for fucking foolery.

Sean Saperstein tried to rape me. There...I've written it. Maybe now the fucking fear will go away. The whole mess started when I returned from Toronto but it stemmed from me telling Sean that there was never going to be anyone for me but Brian. No one gets into my ass but Brian and I was not going to fuck him because I was not attracted to him in any way, shape or form. Many might think I provoked him to wrath but how does one provoke rape exactly? Or in my case almost rape? I only told the little motherfucker the truth on that morning in March last year. I didn't want any misunderstandings and I wanted him to stop trying to wheedle his way in. It was tiring and trying and I'd had enough. The last straw was showing up at my house, letting himself into the apartment and making fucking coffee while Daphne was sleeping. If he had been a straight guy and pulled that, Daphne... the fucking bastard!

Anyway, I knew I had come back two days before the Art History final so I called Sean to prepare him for the test which is what I'd told Gary I would do. There was no reason to suspect anything crazy would happen since I had made my position clear. I cracked open my beer and Sean had asked for a Dr. Pepper which was his favorite drink. Again, nothing to be alarmed about right? Brian called so I excused myself to the kitchen (going over all of these events step-by-step Nicole really isn't helping but it is annoying the shit out of me- just thought you should know that since you'll be the only one reading this). The kitchen in the old apartment was only separated by a breakfast bar from the living room. It wasn't like it was in an entirely separate room or area of the house. Brian was calling me from the upstairs office in Babylon and was describing how the value of twinks had gone down since I was not there. He'd decided to stop in for a little while before the crowd came in so that he could actually look over the books and inventory sheets before heading home and our nightly eleven o'clock phone fuck session... Jeez what our lives have been reduced to since I moved to New York! Anyway, I hung up with Brian and headed back over to the couch in the living room area. As usual, Sean had some snide comment to say about Brian and how he is too old for me and that I should give him a shot. Also as usual, I ignored the little twerp and proceeded to quiz him on the masters of Impressionism such as Monet and Renoir. When he once again got several answers wrong, I took a large gulp of my beer and proceeded once again to explain the differences between their techniques. Since I'd take the course at PIFA but it was one of the credits the institute wouldn't accept as a transfer credit and I had to take it again, I was pretty certain that question would be one of the first asked and it had to be answered in essay form. About fifteen minutes after putting my beer down, I felt a bit dizzy. Sean kept asking me if I was okay. I told him I felt fine but fifteen minutes after that I couldn't hold my head up. My entire body felt- for lack of a better term- paralyzed. I couldn't even move to go to the bathroom to splash water on my face. I could move my eyes, could blink but the visions were blurry. I tried to ask Sean to bring me a glass of water but nothing came out. The panic was beyond anything I've ever felt or could understand. I was trapped and mentally screaming in a body that wouldn't respond no matter how much I asked it to. The last time I'd felt such helplessness was when I woke up from my coma. I felt my clothes being tugged and pulled. I tried to will my hands to move- nothing. But the one thing I could do which I wish I couldn't was hear.

"Let's just shut this off so we won't be disturbed, huh?"Sean said all chipper like. Why the fuck wasn't he calling an ambulance?- I thought. I looked at my nearly drained beer bottle. It looked the same but something was different inside my mouth. There was a sweetness to the taste that I didn't normally get when I drank a Coors light. "So Justin...you said that your ass was off limits to everyone but Brian, huh? Well tonight I'll prove that he's nothing and definitely not better than I am. You really should leave that old dick alone. I warned you that I wouldn't give up and that I would have you one way or another, didn't I? So just lie there and enjoy it."

I remember screaming to the top of my lungs but hearing nothing from my own mouth. I couldn't even fucking cry. HELPLESS!!!!! I hate that fucking word but there was no other word that would fit what I was just then. I remember hearing him on the phone and my address being given but not much more of the conversation except the word hurry. I felt my legs being lifted which I found strange because I couldn't lift them myself. As Sean was about to ram me, with or without a condom- I really don't know and I don't remember hearing a foil wrapper tearing, Daphne and her boyfriend, Louis or Luigi or Lawrence-whatever the fuck- entered the house. Daph began screeching immediately, yelling at me for fucking on the couch. When I didn't answer her, she knew something was wrong...very wrong. By then her boyfriend did, too. Daphne had him keep Sean from escaping until the whole truth was gotten out of him. By then someone else was at the door banging. There was some sort of struggle at the door which I could hear but after that nothing. I may have passed out, I don't remember. But I do remember hearing Daph talking to me a short while later and covering me with a blanket. She looked at my cell phone cursing. She had been trying to call me to let me know L-whatever his name is- was coming home with her so that I wouldn't be caught with my pants down, which technically I was caught with them down anyway. When Brian called Daphne told him that I was at the studio and had accidentally left my phone in the apartment. He didn't think much of it at the time because usually if that happened he knew it was something I needed to sketch out or paint immediately. It was a behavior he was pretty used to after five years of living with me. I would jump out of bed at all hours to draw or run down the hall to the next loft which Brian made into a semi studio/storage unit for such occasions. It took me about two hours to be able to move. Daph knew what was wrong almost immediately even before she found the empty vial Sean had dropped at the couch thinking that I wouldn't find it until after the deed was done. She'll make an excellent doctor someday. Once I could move she and her boyfriend, (insert whatever name you want as long as it begins with L here), gave me a shower and put me to bed to sleep off the rest of the drug. I heard her mention GHB which I know now is a common date rape drug. It's clear and sweet smelling and also has a faintly sweet taste from my experience- sort of like perfume or peaches... or maybe that's in my imagination.

Anyway as a result I can't be touched. Fucking as top is one thing. I tie them up or make them face the wall but they are not allowed to touch me...at all. It's all about control. Brian and I already have a ‘no kissing and no bottoming' rule in place so it makes it easier to get my needs met. My main problem is the lack of sleep, the darkness displayed in my work and the fact that I can' t see Brian right now. He would know instantly that something is wrong no matter how much I try to make him believe otherwise. Who's to say he doesn't know already even though on the surface everything is ‘normal.?' We still have our standing eleven o'clock appointment. He knows that I've moved twice although he doesn't know the real reason which is that I have no idea where Sean is and since Gary quit managing Therapy when Daphne threatened to call the cops, I don't know where he is either. A restraining order is in place but what difference does that really make? At least living on Roosevelt Island now, we have a house that we're renting and it's a relatively small, quiet area where everyone knows everyone's business. In my current state of nervousness, I prefer nosy neighbors and it also helps that Henry and Dawn live only two blocks away.

I don't know how to get out of the rut I'm in. I can't tell Brian and until I'm better I can't see him. What the fuck?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Venice, Italy June 2009

"I really need to thank you for inviting me here for the week Justin, although I'm not sure why you did. A simple phone call might have done the trick and you might have saved yourself a shit load of cash," Nicole Baird said.

Justin smiled at her. If he was straight he may have actually hit on his therapist. A petite caramel beauty with a mouth like a sailor and not afraid to speak her mind.

"It was just easier to have you here, Nicole and no thanks is needed. You're doing me a favor."

"But what about my husband and kids?"

Justin laughed aloud at that. "I would have invited them if you had any of those. I just don't think that I can face Brian alone after...you know."

She nodded. "You have two options, Justin."

"I know. Avoid him and let Sean win or face all of it."

"Listen to me, Justin," she said seriously. "You don't have to tell Brian anything that you don't want to but based on what you've told me about him, he would understand."

"He would but you know the nature of my problem right now and where it stems from. That's the issue. In our relationship we have pretty clearly defined roles."

"And they are?"

"He's a top and I'm a bottom."

"I thought you were a Switch."

He had explained the difference to her before. "I am and I top everyone I'm with except Brian. Sure, I've only topped him a few times but frankly I like him pounding into me."

She winced and he laughed. "Too much information, Justin."

"Yeah right. Like you don't like a good hard fuck once in awhile yourself. Everyone does- or at the very least they should."

"Point well taken. Have you been keeping up with your journal?"

"Yeah, even though I still think it's pointless."

"Not if there are things that you can't say verbally especially to Brian. He's your partner. What is it you're really afraid of? Why can't you tell him?"

Justin sighed deeply. How could he explain the situation between Brian and Gary Saperstein without making him seem like a nut case? Gary is not directly responsible for his despicable nephew Sean unless... "Oh fuck! That dirty son of a bitch!"

"I don't think Brian would appreciate being called names especially since to my knowledge he hasn't done anything to earn them."

"Not Brian, Nicole. Gary Saperstein knew... he had to know what Sean was up to. I remember Sean making a call just before Daphne got there. Gary had tried what Sean almost succeeded at before but when he did I was high at an after-hours party and I kicked him in the teeth. I made my way to Daph's apartment back in the Pitts, sobered up and made it home just before mine and Brian's imposed curfew."

"So why would you agree to tutor his nephew knowing that he was a sleaze ball?"

"I thought the time in jail on unrelated charges had actually done him some good. Sean's parents had died shortly after Gary had come home and I felt bad for the kid. My dad wasn't exactly supportive when I came out. Neither was my mom initially until she realized that being gay didn't really change who I was at the core of my being. The fact that I fuck guys was just a part of who I was. I think her main issue was that I was fucking Brian- well and often I might add- but yeah, I was still the same just a bit more worldly and not the innocent blond doll she wished for me to be. Regardless, I could respect what Gary was trying to do in taking responsibility for his lazy, spoiled nephew. Plus he was paying me. At the time the money was everything because of what I'm trying to do where Brian and I are concerned. I would have done just about anything except sell drugs or my ass to get as close to my financial goal as possible. No, I wasn't going to get rich tutoring Sean but every little bit helped."

"I think if anything, Brian will be upset that you allowed yourself to be put in a position where there was danger. It won't matter if you knew it was dangerous or not in his mind. Was he aware of the situation with the uncle?"

Justin shook his head. "I never told him that. If I did, I would probably be visiting him in jail instead of being here in Venice, trying to design my life. Although he is generally not a violent man, he still has a very short fuse and has no problem becoming volatile within seconds. Besides that he'll feel responsible in some way and I can't let that happen to him. He already carries enough guilt about things which he had no control over- the bashing and the bombing of Babylon to name a few. Somehow he takes it into his head that it's all his fault and then his pain management tendencies come out full force to torment him."

"Pain management?"

"Yeah. Drinking like the world is going to run out of liquor at any moment and taking most of the letters of the alphabet. E, K, GHB and a few harder substances. I just can't do that to him!"

"Alright, alright, Justin. I get it," Nicole said holding up her hands. "Well since both of you are working on the new Maserti campaign, you're going to have to find a way to cope with being touched. You know that Brian would never hurt you so you have that in your favor to work through the feeling. Based on what you've told me, your non-verbal communication tells everything especially what you try to hide from each other. So if that's true then you're going to have to find a way not to tense up the minute he reaches for you."

"I've gotta go. I want to get some lunch before I'm due at corporate."

Nicole nodded. "I think you should take your journal with you."

"Why?"

She smiled at him. "You never know when inspiration might strike and I'd be interested if you come up with any new coping strategies while you're in the presence of Brian Kinney. If you're hell-bent on not telling him- and I can see that you are- but still wanting to continue the relationship for what it is, I think that journal which you consider pointless and stupid now, is going to come in handy. I'll see you later and call me if you need me."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to enjoy my vacation on your dime. It's nap time! I could really get used to this, Justin."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If you are that special lover

Love keeps you tied to another*

As always, my timing in business is impeccable. That's the good news. The Maserati request for a meeting couldn't have been better timed. When I called Justin to ask him to accompany me to Venice, Italy as a mini-vacation, imagine my surprise when Daphne informed me that Justin was already here and had been for the better part of a month. He hadn't mentioned it which in and of itself was strange. She said that it was a last minute consignment for JT Designs and so he put everything else on hold. Apparently the artist who was supposed to do it had been arrested on drug trafficking and Justin came highly recommended. I could believe that. Justin is a genius in his own right. The problem is not only did Justin not tell me but Theodore didn't either. He still is after all, both mine and Justin's accountant. It's a bit shocking because Ted shut down the Tell-a-Queen telegraph service which means Justin asked that it be kept strictly confidential and hidden specifically from me. Odd, to say the least but it does explain a lot of our missed calls for the last month and the exhausted sounding voice mails he left on my cell since Italy is about six hours ahead of New York and Pennsylvania.

I wish I had a camera available yesterday when I walked into the lobby of the corporate office and saw his face...well the first thing I saw was his ass bent over, hands clasped behind his legs. I knew he was stretching his back the way he often does upon rising first thing in the morning but goddamn what a tempting sight that was! My first inclination was to ram it since it had been more than a year since I last did. But I had to remember I walked in there on business equipped with a khaki Armani suit and my briefcase in hand. I didn't have to wait long for him to know I was there. The chronic awareness which grips me in his presence always does the same to him. His spine stiffened almost immediately and he turned toward me so fast I thought he would lose his balance. He didn't. Looking at those cerulean blue eyes and blond hair, made me harder than I was just viewing his ass. His hair was longer which he wore in a small bun at the back of his head, his chest a bit broader than I remembered and I could see the definition in his arms. He wasn't a cream-filled Twinkie anymore by anyone's standards but he would always be my twink. I could see it in his eyes and I knew he could see it in mine. I think the most fascinating change other than his hair was the sexy stubble covering his chin and jawline. Justin was a man who literally shaved twice a day when appearing in public. We didn't have much time to exchange greetings or catch up with each other because it was time for me to go into the boardroom. I mouthed the word later and he nodded his head but by the time I got out of the meeting which ran a bit late, he was gone. I heard he was staying at the Ai Cavelieri di Venezia but I figured I would just catch up with him later. As beautiful as Justin was, I could also see the signs of exhaustion. But then there isn't much about him that I don't know or notice.

Sometimes heartstrings can be broken

But you just got to keep on going*

I keep wondering how much more either of us can endure of the separation. The secret meetings- when they actually can happen- and all that this entails has got to be weighing on Justin as much as it is me. Babylon is okay but it just isn't the same. I think I could even endure it without Mikey, Ted and Emmett but without Justin...he was my partner, my fuck buddy and my partner in crime and even though I still visit the backroom as often as I can, the fun of it has gone. Now I trick more out of necessity than any real desire. I wonder how Justin is faring in that department. He works so much and so hard and for what? To be my equal? To keep Michael or anyone else from throwing it up in his face ever again? I guess if I was on the receiving end of it, I would understand how he feels. I still do to an extend but if it isn't bothering me, then why should it bother him? I do for all of them and they don't complain about that but Justin hasn't asked me for anything the way the rest of them have. Doing for him is my pleasure not obligation like with Lindz and Mikey. Someday I guess I'll find out the real reason why what I do with my fucking money bothers Michael so much. I haven't really heard Lindz mention it except in passing but then she knows things that everyone else doesn't about the financial situation with Justin and I. She knows about the contracts we have going stemming all the way back from when he started PIFA and she's been sworn to secrecy about it. The funny thing is that the very reason Justin didn't want to take my money in the first place was that Michael kept throwing it up in his face but now with a promissory note and contract still in place, every time I talk to Michael and Justin's name comes up, he still mentions how Justin was a gold-digger. Some of Michael's opinions I let go because there is just no changing his mind and I've urged Ted and Em to do the same. No one can fix stupid and that's exactly what Michael is regarding this situation. I suppose that statement is unfair to a degree because no one, especially me, has bothered to correct his foolish opinion. To me it's just none of his fucking business and it isn't. The bad thing is that with my silence, Justin continues to have his character assassinated even when he isn't around to defend himself. As a result, I've limited my contact with Michael. Limited is probably not the right word as much as created a distance; set boundaries. It had to be done for various reasons but most of all because it was getting harder and harder to hear him talk about Justin and me not want to punch him again. I promised myself after the first time that I wouldn't do it again but damn, Mikey makes it hard not to want to.

I must have thought the devil up because there he is....sitting at a corner booth at the outdoor cafe. I know that I've missed talking with him this past month but it only seems magnified since I've seen him yesterday and today. I want so badly to know what's going on with him but I don't want to push. And I won't. Crossing the street seemed as natural as breathing. No matter where we are I can't help but gravitate toward him. It seems funny now since the first year of our non-relationship, I wanted nothing more than to get away from him mainly because I knew he had the ability to make me care what happened to him. I don't even really know when during that first year I started to; when the exact moment happened when he began to mean more to me than a convenient fuck. Justin was always horny- he was seventeen for fuck's sake- but there was always...more. I don't know when it was that I started wanting to talk to him. Even during the Ian episode, I couldn't stop missing him although I would never admit that aloud to anyone. I know it had to happen but still...that was probably the hardest because I had to let him go. He had to discover things on his own- had to grow up in his own way. And yeah, I pushed him head first off of Mount St. Kinney that night because he couldn't make up his mind between us. I hated seeing him tormented and even though I wanted him, I couldn't in good conscious keep him from seeing if the grass was greener at Ian's front door. Eventually he discovered it was crabgrass but he still had to learn. He learned to appreciate me and I learned to value him. Yeah it had to happen... Over the years there were other things that had to happen but we've always found our way back to each other when we were supposed to. I'm not a big believer in fate and religious bullshit but I do know that Justin and I are sewn together like a hand in a glove. We couldn't have survived all we have and this self-imposed exile of his and not have some reason for it. His ambition reminds me of my own when I was his age. I had to be the best and I threw my all into it so although I'm concerned, I have to let him spread his wings and soar. I can't protect him through this process and that's probably the most difficult thing for me accept.

"Is this seat taken?"

That's the way it goes on Love's Train*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Love come quick

Love come in a hurry

There are thieves in the temple tonight

They don't care where they kick

Just as long as they hurt you***

Okay...thanks to a major panic attack upon seeing Brian here in the last place I've ever expected to see him, I called Nicole and thankfully she's here. But her thought-provoking conversation and advice now has pissed me off...because she's right. I know I need to tell Brian but fuck I don't want to. At least not now; not yet. I can't deny what Sean took from me that night affects everything I do in profound ways. He took my security. My courage. My ability to trust my own judgment- all the things I worked and fought like hell to get back after fucking Hobbs. The fucked up thing is that I don't have Brian's help this time. I have Daph but it isn't the same. Brian was my rock and my strength during the whole episode. He was patient but tough as hell with me and wouldn't let me get away with anything- not even with my bouts of insomnia. He would make me lay there instead of being the fucking Jack-in-the-box, I've become over the last year.

"You're just going to lay your ass back down in six seconds anyway so you might as well lay the fuck still and ride it out," he would say.

The sad thing is he was absolutely right but the impulse to get up and move is a difficult one to control when you aren't sleeping next to a grouchy alpha male who has to get up for work the next morning. So I've been living in a perpetual state of limbo- up, down, paint, sketch or stretch all night long with very little sleep. Sometimes the dreams are so violent and real that I've almost hit Daphne. That happened with Brian too except that I actually did hit him couple of times. He socked me back immediately but then he understood that I couldn't be touched immediately after having a nightmare. It helped that he's had his fair share even before the prom and so he understood how mine were effecting me. But the caliber of nightmares are not only scary but confusing as well. On the surface they don't make sense and until they do, I don't want to mention them to anyone.

There are thieves in the temple tonight

Love if you're there come save me from all this cold despair

I can hang when you're around but I'd surely die if you're not there***

I know that he knows something is off with me. We're that connected. I think back over our phone conversations for the past year and how many times he asked me what was wrong. ‘Just tired' was always my reasoning and although it wasn't an outright lie, it wasn't the full-truth either. Both of us have that kind of sixth sense about each other. It's a blessing and a curse. I know he won't push but he'll worry until I get back to normal. I have to get back to normal! I want him in me and on me but I don't think I can bear it right now and that sucks. For the first time in well over a year, we're in the same place at the same time with no other interruptions besides work. Very few people know I'm here and I'm willing to bet that only Ted, Cynthia and the staff at Kinnetik know that Brian is here. I know he hasn't been by the diner as often although he said that Ted and Em still go just about everyday. He still keeps tabs on Deb but being at the diner just isn't the same. I imagine it isn't with both Michael and I gone from there. But then again that may not be the full of it either. Michael made sure to call me when he got back to Pittsburgh back in January. I could hear the underlying smugness in his voice but he did have an interesting proposition to work on Rage. I told him I would think it over but I haven't gotten back to him yet. I should probably do that soon. Even though I really don't want to work with Michael again, I can't disregard how lucrative the comic was and with the popularity of the Comic Cons and now that Amazon is offering a way for regular people to become affiliates- which means their own home business for a small fee but a major share in the profits- there is a real possibility to increase my finances. Again I have to think hard about it because I don't trust Michael not to start poking and prying into my business again. I like the fact that only a select few know about Brian and I but if Michael were to find out, he would once again make my life and relationship with Brian a living hell. I just can't...

Love come quick, love come in a hurry

There are thieves in the temple tonight***

"Is this seat taken?"

I looked up when I heard the familiar voice and part of me wishes I hadn't. I must have thought Brian up because there he stood and all I want to do is throw him down on the table and fuck his brains out.

"No. You can sit down."

Brian called the waiter over and after confirming his order and asking for a refill of my coffee, he settled into the booth, situating his briefcase next to the window. "So..how's business?"

"It's going okay, Brian. How's Kinnetik? I'm surprised that you're venturing into the car business."

He smiled at me before answering. "Why? You know I'm a gear-head more than the average gay guy. Besides Maseratis are aesthetically beautiful. I think I may buy one."

"Buying into your own bullshit now?" I asked laughingly. "No fucking way. Besides you know what they say about men who must buy expensive cars to prove their wealth."

He nodded. "That they have small dicks but we both know that's not true about me, don't we?" He raised his eyebrow at me with that sexy smirk on ghosting on his lips.

I felt the immediate pull in my dick and had to shift on the seat to adjust without being obvious. "No. Whatever your faults, tragic endowment isn't one of them."

"Glad you remember that, Sunshine. What time are you due at the dealership?"

"About fifteen minutes. I know that I'm supposed to be in the meeting."

"Yeah. I requested that you do the storyboards for the proposal. Of course since you're an independent contractor, I'll take your fee directly and absorb the cost directly with the company."

"Brian, I'll do it as a favor to you since it wasn't originally on the schedule and Maserati is already paying me for the mural in their showroom."

He shook his head at me. "Jeez, haven't I taught you anything? I'm paying you and that's it. You can either live with it or you can die with it but business is business. Besides I have a personal stake in seeing you're compensated adequately."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, Sunshine. I miss having your ass in my bed every night."

"The feeling's mutual, Brian but that still doesn't mean that it's okay to undermine Fred, Charles and Derek's talents within your art department. You usually put one of the three in charge of anything transportation related."

"I only did that after you reworked the Liberty Air Campaign. It was your artwork that initially won them over from Vanguard."

"But they were with you when Vanguard was Ryder. They would have come to you eventually."

"Perhaps," he conceded. "But you made them come over sooner than expected."

"I suppose Marcus Hughes isn't too happy about that decision now."

He laughed. "No I suppose he isn't once he realized that there was still no way I was going to fuck him but either way business is up so he shouldn't have any complaints." He took a sip of his latte before asking, "So how about it, Sunshine?"

"Alright Brian. I'll do it but I want something else in addition to my fee."

"What's that?" I could tell his interest was piqued. I had never asked for anything additional when he referred clients to me.

"Twenty percent of the profit from the new campaign."

"Ten percent," he countered smiling.

"Fifteen and not a penny less, Mr. Kinney."

He wrinkled his nose at me and then smiled brightly. "Deal. I'll have Ted fax the contract and have it ready for you to sign over dinner."

"Wait. Who said I was available for dinner?"

"Are you going to eat later?"

"Of course, Brian."

"Well then you are available for dinner. The question is where do you want to go?"

"I was just going to grab something from room service while I'm working."

"Sounds like a plan. Mind if I join you?"

"Why would you ask that, Brian? You know I don't mind sharing a meal with you. I was just teasing before."

"I know but something is bothering you, Justin. I know it just as much sure as I'm sitting here with you and breathing."

I looked at the table before looking back at him. "What gave me away?"

"You didn't attack me the minute you saw me." He smiled that slow sensuous smile at me. "This is the first time we've seen each other in over a year and here we are, about to go a meeting and we haven't fucked, touched or at the very least kissed. I know you're not nervous about the meeting. So what is it?"

"It's nothing, Brian."

"Uh-huh," he said while pulling at his tie a bit before swallowing another gulp of coffee. "Justin, how long have I known you?"

"Nine years but then you knew that when you asked a rhetorical question on purpose and expected an answer."

He folded his lips briefly, deliberately keeping his eyes shaded from me. I knew there was a bit of sarcastic humor even within his displeasure. When he looked up, he'd managed to conceal both behind a mask of indifference. No one could perfect or display an unconcerned look like Brian Kinney even though I knew differently as he spoke. "Yeah I do know that it's been nine fucking years. Yet you're sitting there acting as if I just met you yesterday."

I couldn't stop the deep sigh before it passed my lips. "Point well taken, Brian. It's just not something I want to talk about, okay?"

"Now was that so hard to admit aloud?"

"Yeah it kinda was, Brian. I don't like not being able to discuss things with you but until I have it all worked out in my head I would just rather not. Is that okay?"

"It's fine, twat. When you're ready you'll say what's on your mind. I know that. In the meantime, we'd better get to the meeting and after that, I plan on fucking your brains out."

I rose out of the seat as did he. He raised his hand to touch me. "Don't." At his questioning look, I said, "If you do, we'll never get to the meeting."

He nodded and seemed to be okay with the answer but it didn't stop him from pressing his lips against mine. The contact gave me that warm, fuzzy and weightless feeling I always got when kissing Brian Kinney. It was a welcome distraction from the anxiety I felt from his nearness and the fact that I knew he was itching to put his hands on me just as I was itching to do the same to him. But if I was going to have a panic attack from his touch, I would rather it not be in public in this foreign city. We both don't need that kind of drama. I broke the kiss and led the way toward the French doors of the restaurant.

I feel like I'm looking for my soul

Like a poor man looking for gold

There are thieves in the temple tonight***

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A Disconnected Man-Child in the Pitts

Love you like no other

Love you rain or shine**

Michael hurried into Liberty Diner. He knew his mom was on break and was probably heading off to the bank to make her mortgage payment. He would see her later but he was really looking for Brian. Not spotting him but instead seeing Emmett and Ted, he made his way over to them.

"Hey guys, what's up?"

"Nothing big, Michael. You look exceptionally happy," Emmett said returning the huge smile.

"I need to find Brian. Ben just got a new offer to go to London for a lecture. It's not until early next year but we'll be there for about three months. One of the professors over there recommended Ben to fill in for her while she for her while she takes care of research for her own fellowship to take place in Prague next summer. He'll be teaching the Advanced Creative Writing course. Plus there's a new offer for publishing Rage. I have to call Justin and find out if he's going to do the illustrations for me again."

"That's great, Baby but why are looking for Brian?"

"I wanted to tell him personally. Besides I haven't been able to catch up to him for more than an hour since I've been back. That's freaking six months already and before you know it I'll be gone again. I went by the office and then by the loft. It was odd but my pass-code hasn't been working lately but whatever. I just miss all of us being together."

You could be the one thing that is on my mind

This could be our last chance**

Ted wiped his mouth."Michael the reason that you can't find Brian is that he isn't here."

"Well where is he?"

"Venice."

"As in Italy? What the fuck's he doing in Venice?"

"Working. We have a new contract there and they requested a meeting. It's been on the schedule for months." Ted's cell phone rang out at that moment. "The man of the hour. Hey boss, what's the word?"

Michael whispered, "Hey put him on speaker."

Ted was listening intently when Michael grabbed the cell phone from him and put the phone on speaker. "Hey Brian."

"Michael? What the hell? Where's Ted?" Brian's voice was measured. It was clear that he was annoyed but Michael didn't pay attention to it.

"Here, I'm putting you on speaker. Now it's almost like you're here with us. All that's missing now is the ‘Twink' who never went home but anyway I have news."

"Oh really, Mikey? What was so important that you had to interrupt me giving instructions to my accountant about a contract?" Brian's voice was coming through loud and just short of angry.

Emmett and Ted exchanged looks. They knew that tone didn't bode well. Michael also knew it but chose to disregard the warning in Brian's tone. As he was about to share his news for the second time, a familiar ring tone sounded in the background. There was only one person that any of them knew with the Star Wars theme song as a ring tone. Emmett and Ted watched as Michael's face fell when he heard Justin answer his cell phone while Brian was still on speaker.

"Justin's there? With you?" Michael asked trying unsuccessfully to mask the hysteria entering his voice.

"Yeah, he is," Brian answered nonchalantly. "He's also working the Maserati account which is what I needed to talk to you about... Ted." Brian said that last forcefully.

Ted snatched up the cell phone quickly, taking it off speaker and resuming the initial conversation as Michael sat there stunned and petulant.

As soon as Ted hung up, Michael started in right away. "What's that fucking kid doing there with Brian?"

Emmett chimed in before Ted could offer an explanation. "Why should it matter, Michael? You're about to go to London and Brian is working. My catering business has a gaggle of new clients and Ted has to get back to the office, right?"

"Yeah. Brian just gave me a bunch of instructions that have to be carried out now and since Venice is six hours ahead of us, it needs to be done within the next hour. I gotta go."

Ted slid out of the booth before Michael could say another word to prevent his leaving.

Debbie chose that moment to enter the diner. "Where's Ted rushing off to?"

Emmett answered. "His majesty called from across the Atlantic barking orders. Apparently it's something to do with new contracts. So like the good and faithful employee that he is, he had to get it done within the hour."

Debbie nodded. "How did Brian say it's going over there?"

"I imagine he's fine since that fucking Justin is there, too," Michael mumbled but both Debbie and Emmett heard him. "Ouch! Ma, what the hell was that for?"

"The same thing it usually is for, Michael. To knock some fucking sense into you."

"You knew Justin was in Italy and you didn't tell me?"

"Michael, you didn't know that Brian was over there until twenty minutes ago," Emmett cheerfully pointed out.

"That's not the point, Em and you know it."

"Well what exactly is the point, Michael?" Debbie asked. "Brian has a business to run as does Justin. You apparently need to run yours and then maybe you can stop focusing on connections that aren't your business."

"Brian is my business."

"No he isn't, Michael. Ben is your business and Red Cape Comics is and all that entails. Brian is a grown man perfectly capable of managing his own business as indicated by the success of Kinnetik. Where and in whom he sticks his dick is NOT your business if it's not you he's fucking. For the record, I just saw Jenn before coming in here and Brian hired Justin to help with his portion of the Maserati account. Mind you, Justin had already been hired by the company directly for a mural and had been in Italy for the past month. So before you go sticking your big mouth in business that has nothing to do with you, Michael, you might try getting all your facts straight first."

"Your mom's right, Michael. You really need to find a new hobby."

"Fuck you, Em."

"Not my job. Fucking you is Ben's business. See, it's pretty easy to know which job belongs to whom when you cut to the basics. Incidentally, you might want to cool it with your animosity toward Justin. It's bad for your business with Rage in case you've forgotten. He was the original illustrator on the comic and is not as easily replaced no matter how much you wish differently. There are artists a dime a dozen but NONE know Rage's face and form the way Justin Taylor does...not even you. Ta for now!" And with that thought Emmett left Michael standing outside of the diner to ponder over his words of wisdom.

Don't get left behind

Phone you at the weekend if I get the time

He's been leaving lovers

Don't get left behind

He'll feel bad tomorrow but that's another time

Let's do this together

I'm sure that it's fine

We'll feel bad tomorrow that's another time

And I'm feeling low now, yeah I've got no place to go

{words modified a bit to fit the storyline}

Disconnected Child**

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Kicking me in my heart

Tearing me all apart

‘Cause me and you could've been a work of art***

"Brian, I need a favor."

He turned to Justin then who had been reserved during dinner. Ordinarily, Justin would fill in the silence which Brian never really minded. He liked hearing Justin's thoughts although he would hide that fact often behind his trademark sardonic humor and an abundance of snarkiness. So the fact that Justin was less animated than he'd seen him in a very long time, was troubling at best.

"Ask away, Sunshine," Brian answered him.

"Before I do I only have one other request."

"Wow. Two whole favors. You're pushing your luck already."

"Can it, Asshole," Justin said laughing briefly but then he grew serious again. "I need you not to ask questions about why I need the favor."

"I told you that I would wait for you to talk to me about it and I will. When have I ever lied to you, Justin?"

"Never, Brian but this isn't about that. Which brings me to the actual favor I need from you. I need you to teach me to trust again."

"What do you mean?" At Justin's look, Brian understood why he extracted his promise not to ask questions. "Sorry. It's part the built-in JRS component within my brain. I've been trying to adjust the frequency since the night we met."

"JRS?"

"Yeah. Justin Reactionary System. It tends to go haywire when I know there's something wrong with you that I either can't fix or you won't let me fix."

Justin nodded. "It works sort of like my BKBD system."

"What the hell is that?"

"My Brian Kinney Bullshit Detector."

They both burst out laughing which helped relieve some of the tension between them. "Point well taken, Sunshine. Just tell me what you want me to do."

Justin stood slowly and undressed. Brian moved toward him but he held up a hand to stay his progress. He went to the closet where Brian's suits were hanging neatly free of the garment bag he always used when traveling. Holding out the two objects to Brian, he moved slowly, climbing onto the huge four-poster bed with the metal headboard. He laid directly center, silently waiting for Brian.

Baby don't you know I'm holding on the best that I can

Love please help me be a better man

Better than the thieves in the temple tonight***

Brian knew that Justin would never ask that of him unless there was something shaking him to his core. The last time they did this involved a pair of fur and silk lined handcuffs- one of the objects still at the loft back in Pittsburgh. It was just after he'd come to live with him after he recovered part of his memory from the bashing. The fact that Justin was asking him to do it again, shook Brian. They hadn't engaged in any BDSM activity for years. But if it was what Justin needed, for whatever reason, he would do it.

Brian stripped off his clothes and joined Justin on the bed. He felt the slight tremble which wracked Justin as he gripped one of his wrists to extend it upward before gripping the other. With Justin's hands secured Brian asked, "Do you remember your safe word?"

Justin nodded and whispered, "Hobbs. The one fucking word I would never utter during sex especially with you."

"If you get distressed at anytime, Justin, say it. Understand?"

"I won't."

"But if you do...just say it okay?"

"Yeah."

Brian took the second tie, securing it around Justin's eyes. He noticed the rapid rise and fall of the other man's chest and laid the palm of his hand flat against it. "Relax."

Justin nodded again and released a heavy sigh. Brian sat back on his haunches building the anticipation but also giving Justin the time he needed to calm himself. He didn't know what happened but he would bet that Justin's nightmares were back full-force. He began at his feet, massaging and kissing his feet. Not many knew it but Justin was a dancer- not just in the clubs but thanks to his country club upbringing he'd had Ballroom dance lessons. Brian lightly bit the high arch of each foot as well as the big toe before moving onto his ankles. He pulled them further apart, fitting himself neatly between Justin's spread legs. Again he felt the slight tremble Justin was trying his best to suppress. It wasn't one of passion but of fear. Many people thought Brian didn't have a heart and if he did it was ice cold. But the man laid out before him knew differently- had always known and believed differently. Justin had defended him many times over the years, had protected him and his integrity. Had erased and replaced many of Brian's own fears with the confidence being loved unconditionally brought.

With that thought in mind, Brian set out to replace every ounce of fear in Justin with love and lust. He kissed and nipped, licked and sucked Justin everywhere until the whimpers he heard were replaced with moans of pleasure and pleas for more. On his way to capture Justin's mouth, Brian engulfed Justin's cock in the hot cavity of his mouth. He was gratified hearing the air whoosh out of Justin as he sucked him slowly and steadily. He smiled around the thickness as his partner bucked and pulled at the headboard with his bound hands, pumping his pelvis to get closer to the heat of Brian's mouth. Brian massaged his balls with one hand but had decided to hold off finger fucking Justin for the interim. Instead he used his other hand to pinch, knead and twist Justin's nipples. The decadent way his partner moved in response was just downright pornographic to Brian's mind and it turned him on further. Releasing Justin's hard cock, Brian placed little sucking kisses and stinging nips along Justin's belly and chest, enjoying every shocked gasps and groan emitting from the blond sprawled beneath him. Laving Justin's thundering pulse, Brian took both of their cocks in his large hand and pushed them together as he rubbed against Justin's groin. A moan escaped both of them at the heated contact, pre-cum leaking from their heads and making a pool onto Justin's stomach. Brian swiped at it with his palm using it as lube to continue masturbating he and Justin. He kissed Justin softly and skillfully at first using every tongue trick he'd learned over the years to pull the moans from his partner. Kissed him as he felt the anguish drain to he replaced by desire.

"Better?" Brian whispered into Justin's open mouth while swiping his tongue gently and quickly into the lusciously parted lips.

"Yes," Justin moaned.

"Had enough?" Brian smiled already knowing the answer. He laid his body flush against Justin shifting slightly to make sure their erogenous zones remained in direct contact.

"Hell no."

"What do you want me to do next?" The question for all the sweet and quietly whispered words was a serious one.

"Make me forget," Justin said. Brian nodded even though Justin couldn't see him. It was the answer he'd been expecting. "Please Brian. I want you inside me."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. Just take it easy. It's been awhile."

Brian smiled. They had variations of this conversation twice before. "Just like the first time?"

Justin smiled slightly and nodded.

Brian removed the blindfold but let the tie holding his hands in place. "I don't know what happened although I have my own theory but I want you to know who's fucking you." Brian raised Justin's legs over his shoulders, taking full advantage of Justin's flexibility. "I want to watch you as I slide home within you." Brian pumped some of the lube on his fingers. The liquid felt slick like silk on his fingers. He began massaging it around Justin's tight hole coaxing it to open. Justin began to shut his eyes. "Look at me," Brian commanded and Justin's eyes flew back to his. He watched as the impossibly blue eyes began to dilate with Justin's arousal. "Never hide from me, Justin. Never. You got it?"

"Yes."

Brian breached passed that first tight ring of muscle, relishing the sharp inhale of breath from Justin. "No matter what happens, Justin, this is always right. You and me. Just the two of us." He leaned forward to place a hard kiss on Justin's plush lips as he slid the condom down his dick. "Ready, Justin?"

Justin nodded unable to speak out of momentary nervousness but the impact of the lust he felt was greater. Brian entered slowly...or tried to. Justin's legs lock around his neck and constant pleas for more, sped up the process a bit more. Once Brian was fully lodged, he felt more than heard Justin exhale a sigh of relief. His legs loosened their grip but Brian kept his hold on them pushing them back further. The tied hands caught at the ankles giving their joining an even tighter and deeper angle. Both moans at the contact with Justin's prostate. Brian began a steady rhythm until Justin moaned and became the bossy bottom Brian knew and loved. Yeah, he loved him. When Justin told him to go harder, he did moving as deep within the upturned ass as he could. He moved faster until he felt Justin clamp down, then he slowed his movements. He was determined to make it last a little while longer. He moved so slow that Justin began moaning and begging and cursing by turns which caused Brian to laugh but increase his pace again. Within minutes Justin exploded with Brian shortly following. Brian untied Justin's wrists and was gratified when he went to gather Justin close that he didn't flinch or pull away.

"Better, Sunshine?"

Justin drew little circles on Brian's chest while nodding. "Thank you, Brian." And drifted off into a peaceful and healing sleep.

Kissing the top of his lover's head, Brian soon followed.

If you are that special lover

Love keeps you tied to another

Sometimes heartstrings can be broken

But you just got to keep on going

That's the way it goes on Love's Train

If these sorrows, you've been sulkin'

You've just got to keep on strugglin'

That's the way it goes on Love's Train

In time everything's gonna be alright*

*Love's Train (sung by Con Funk Shun)- Cooper, Michael/ Pilate II, Felton

**Disconnected Child (sung by Tin Star)- Tomlinson, David Kenneth/ Gordine, Tim/ Bricheno, Timothy John

*** Thieves in the Temple (sung by Prince) Prince Rogers Nelson

**Disconnected Child (sung by Tin Star)- Tomlinson, David Kenneth/ Gordine, Tim/ Bricheno, Timothy John

*** Thieves in the Temple (sung by Prince) Prince Rogers Nelson