Autumn is here inside my heart
When there's springtime in the air
Loneliness tearin' me apart
Being lost makes me scared
I keep on asking the Gods above
To send my love back to me
Oh please let these days and weeks
Pass by so quickly
Nobody suffers like I do
Nobody else, oh no
Nobody suffers like I do
Nobody else but you
You had to leave, I know
And we knew it would be tough
You said, "you would be back soon"
Soon is not soon enough
I keep on asking the Gods above
To send my love back to me
Oh please let these days and weeks
Pass by so quickly
Justin Journal Entry- March 9th 2010
Fact #1...I miss that stubborn son of a bitch who doesn't believe in birthdays. I turned 27 last week. And although I can't fault him for not being able to make my show (that was already established since he's in Prague until the 22nd), I can fault him for missing it entirely. I know...I know! Based on our schedules it is almost fucking impossible for us to meet every year. Hell, the time zones when calling alone is enough to make me crazy. When he's free, I'm busy and vice versa. But we knew this was going to happen. It' s what we've been preparing for all along. I know that we said we were going to carve out some time soon but damn it I miss him. My body misses him. I miss his touch and everything that it means. I have to hurry up. On the bright side, JT Designs is doing amazing and Henry alongside Myrna and Dawn have been working their asses off helping me to grow my business. Now only if my fucking partner can carve out some time to get into my ass, my world would look a whole lot better!
Fact #2: Some more of the weirder (is that even a word?) aspects of my dreams is becoming clear. I'm almost convinced it's a memory of some sort but again it's still a bit jumbled. Nicole said for me not to push myself too hard to make sense of it; that the pieces will fit when they fit and to stop driving myself bat-shit crazy. Gotta love a straight chick who uses that term along with a host of other terms that would even make the late Morton Downy Junior and comedians Robin Harris and Rudy Rae Moore blush. Yes, Nicole, I actually know who they are and find them hysterical (since you still insist on reading this damn blasted journal).
Fact #3: Rage is a success and after the last issue, I can almost bow out of working with Michael on any future projects. We have two more releases. I've made roughly seventeen thousand on them so far. I asked Ted to collect my twenty thousand off the top from all franchise related purchases so that I can officially be done with the comic. As always working with Michael has been a trial but I won't complain...much. When all is said and done, Rage did help JT make a lot of money. Once the last three-thousand of the revenue comes in, the rest belongs to Michael no matter how much it brings in. I even did the website and got him on as an Amazon Affiliate free of charge since I absorbed all the cost to set it up in the first place. I can now scratch my association with Michael Novotny off my list. If I wasn't on this plane heading to New York from San Francisco I might have even considered streaking down the street naked in my happiness.
Fact #4: I have to find a way to tell Daphne that I want to move again. I won't subject her to another move and whereas I love Roosevelt Island, I think I want to live in Dumbo which is in Brooklyn. It's closer to my business and outside of that, I think Lance (I finally managed to remember his name) is uncomfortable living with she AND I. Daph and I are just Daph and I. Granted whenever we're together unless something serious is going on, we act like teenagers. Strangely, Brian doesn't mind that but Lance does. And although he'll never say anything because it's OUR-mine and Daphne's- house, I still don't want to put her in a potential situation where she has to choose between me and the man who is making her happy (at least for now- for the record I don't think it will last. Daph is smart and ambitious. Lance is just too complacent for her liking...not wishing ill; just calling a spade a spade).
Fact #5 which is really a repeat of fact #1....I miss Brian but what can I do? Nothing that wouldn't mean sacrificing the career I've been building non-stop since I came to New York. Even though I'm in a position where the work will come to me no matter where I live, I still have a few things financially that I have to do for myself. Yeah the money issue is a big fucking factor. It doesn't matter to him. I know that. But it matters to me. It has been used like a club beat over my head even before the whole fucking Hobbs thing so I'll hold on just awhile longer. I know he understands and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters.
Through this waiting in vain
All this darkness and pain
I've been crying for you
Now I'm dying
When this test is at an end
I'll hope you understand
That you're all that I've got
Oh darling
Nobody suffers like I do
Nobody else but you
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Covert Modus Operandi- London- August 2011
I see the crystal raindrops fall
And the beauty of it all
Is when the sun comes shining through**
Arriving in London for the first time, Justin was nothing short of amazed. Oddly he felt right at home with the bustling activity of the airport- it was kind of hard to remain overwhelmed when living in New York past a month. As always when flying Liberty Air, Justin received the VIP treatment. Consequently, he was also stuck in the airport in the Business Class lounge waiting for the always fashionably late, Mr. Brian Kinney. He didn't mind though. He knew Brian had a meeting that morning which could not be missed and that he should be somewhere over the Atlantic that very moment on his way to London. The staff was even kind enough to grab his luggage from baggage claim keeping him from having to search for it later. So Justin pulled out his sketch pad and set to capturing the sights as only a dedicated artist could and would do.
To make those rainbows in my mind
When I think of you some time
And I want to spend some time with you**
It turned out that his wait was only a little over an hour before his favorite sight arrived stepping through the terminal in that way which was both urgent and relaxed at the same time. Watching Brian walk was an art in itself, like most things he did. For Justin, the man himself was an endless source of inspiration. It took every ounce of willpower in Justin not to stand up and run to him. Instead, he sat there until Brian finally spotted him. Justin couldn't stop the mega-watt smile from surfacing as he watched Brian blow off a male flight attendant eager to make his acquaintance nor could he stop the burst of pride when the same attendant realized what and who captivated Brian's attention so.
"Sunshine," Brian said as he embraced him.
For Justin's part he returned the gesture, burying his nose in Brian's neck and inhaling deeply. He missed that scent... a splash of cologne, starch from his perfectly pressed shirt and the scent that was uniquely Brian's. Justin gasped a second before as Brian's hand tangled in his hair and he mashed their lips together. No one would be able to get a quarter between the two tightly pressed bodies as they embraced and kissed not giving a good damn who glanced or gaped at their exchange. It had been a long time coming...too fucking long and they were determined to make the most of the first sight they laid on each other in over a year. Justin smiled again when Brian pulled back to look at him. He knew that the slightly dazed expression on Brian's face matched his own. It was always that way.
"Ready to get out of here," Justin whispered.
"More than, Sunshine. Fuck! I can't believe it."
"What?"
"We're actually on fucking vacation," Brian said.
Justin couldn't help but laugh. It really was amazing that both of their schedules were able to be cleared completely. But they deserved it.
Just the two of us, we can make it if we try
Just the two of us
Building castles in the sky
Just the two of us, you and I**
Justin was even more in awe of the city once they cleared the airport on the way to the hotel. Brian, who had been to London several times, enjoyed seeing it again through Justin's eyes. The historic buildings and streets which Justin had only read about were now real to him in a way he never thought to experience. Brian pointed out the Tower of London and Buckingham Palace. But what really fascinated Justin was the London Bridge and Big Ben- the former because of the nursery rhyme about the London Bridge falling down; the latter because it was literally larger than he'd ever imagined. The limo took the long way to 45 Park.
"Are we going to ride the London Eye while we're here."
"If you want to," Brian said.
"You're damn right I want to but are you going to be okay doing that?"
Brian chuckled. "If you're talking about the fact that I don't like heights where I'm not in control with the exception of a plane, I'll be fine. However, I do intend to be fully compensated for my trouble."
Justin moved closer to Brian, inching his hand dangerously close to Brian's already semi-hard cock. "Exactly what did you have in mind?" Justin's voice automatically dropped to that octave which never failed to arouse and excite Brian.
"You'd better not touch that, Sunshine or I won't be responsible for how you look entering the hotel."
"I don't give a shit if my clothes are disheveled."
"I wasn't talking about your clothes per say. I was thinking more of the lines of you not being able to walk straight or at all."
"Oh really?"
"You don't believe me? Touch my cock and find out how serious I am. I dare you."
Although it was mighty tempting, Justin settled (which really wasn't a bad bargain at all) for kissing Brian skillfully and thoroughly and was gratified by the moans escaping his partner. It had been so long for both of them, they didn't even realize when the car pulled in front of the hotel. The driver alighting from the car and closing the door firmly, brought them back to the here and now from the fantasy land their kiss ushered them into.
"Will you be needing the car again tonight, Mr. Kinney."
Brian looked to Justin. "Room service?" At Justin's nod, Brian turned to Stuart their driver and said that they would see him in the morning.
We look for love, no time for tears
Wasted waters all that is
And it don't make no flowers grow**
Walking into the hotel they were immediately greeted by the hotel manager.
"Brian, you finally made it," Alan James eagerly clasping Brian's hand.
"Yeah. I did. How's Margaret and the kids?"
"Good, good. This must be Justin." He turned an appreciative eye to Justin. "You were right when you described him as a masterpiece."
Justin looked at Brian directly then. "You said that? You actually said that?"
Brian simply shrugged. "I must have been drunk, Sunshine."
"No, he wasn't. He was as sober as he is right now. I thought he was exaggerating but he was clearly correct. It's a pleasure to meet you, Justin. My wife attended a show of yours a last year while visiting her sister in Los Angeles. I couldn't believe it when Brian seemed to know all of your work quite well."
"I remember that show quite well. It was the week of my birthday but I think Brian was in Prague. Right?"
Before Brian could answer, Alan did. "Yes, he was there with me and some colleagues of mine. Our usual promotions team for World Autism Month was unable to fulfill their contract and Brian came highly recommended but Gabriel Fiorza."
"The Maserati account?" Justin asked.
"The very same. He is one of our major benefactors for our foundation. My wife and I provide information to families who don't readily have a network of getting services for their loved ones with Autism. Brian was kind enough to donate his services and the campaign is still generating buzz throughout Europe."
"I was glad to do it, Alan," Brian said. "Hopefully someday they will find a direct cause for it."
Alan nodded. "That's what we're hoping."
"I've worked with some kids who are on the Autism Spectrum. I would like to donate ten thousand to the research being done over here. I'd like to match what I've done in the States already," Justin said.
"That's an amazing amount, Justin and we appreciate the gesture. But are you sure you can do that. Brian told me that you are relatively new out."
"We could make it a joint donation, Sunshine."
"No. For Brian's information and as a courtesy to you, Alan, I can well afford it. I'm comfortable and although I'm not completely where I want to be yet, I believe in Karma. It will come back to me." Reaching into his messenger bag, Justin searched around for his checkbook.
"What exactly is it that you think you are doing?" Brian asked Justin through gritted teeth.
"Ah- there it is," Justin said as he opened the to a blank check. Deliberately ignoring Brian's question, he asked Alan, "Who should I make this out to?"
Alan looked back and forth between the two men sensing the underlying tension. It was one thing for his wife and him to disagree but he couldn't imagine how much more difficult it was for the two males to get along in their relationship. But it was evident that they loved each other even if they didn't always see eye-to-eye. Alan gave Justin the information and gratefully accepted the check. Justin told him that he should look into the Doug Flutie Foundation over in the States and how it was run. Their ideas on creating campaigns and walk-a-thons has yielded much success in funding different types of research and also providing services for underprivileged families with Autistic children. Brian silently fumed during the exchange of which Justin was well aware and still ignored.
Good things might come to those who wait
But not to those who wait too late
We got to go for all we know**
On the elevator ride up to the Penthouse Suite, Brian finally broke his silence. "What the fuck, Justin?"
"Pardon me, Mr. Kinney. Now you want to speak to me? Or is it just that you would like to yell at me for not following the Great God Kinney's directives?"
"Justin don't even-"
"What? Make it sound like you still look at me as a child instead of a man? I'm a man only when it's time to fuck me, is that it?"
The elevator opened and Justin stepped into the marble-floored foyer where their bags were waiting for them. Grabbing his, he headed toward the bedroom and silently began unpacking for his two-week stay.
"Are we going to talk about this or are you going to keep giving me the silent treatment?" Brian also began to unpack his belongings.
"There's nothing to discuss, Brian."
"Isn't there though? You made some pretty unfair judgments in the elevator."
"Which were those? They seemed pretty fucking fair to me. You might as well made a ‘Poor Sunshine' case out of me like everyone else does. Out of everyone, I never expected that from you, Brian. Well make up your fucking mind. You can't father me and fuck me, too."
Brian shook his head at the foolery of the idea. "No one is trying to ‘father' you, Justin."
"No? Because from where I was standing that is exactly what you were trying to do. Do you honestly think I would have written that check if I couldn't afford to? What part of ‘mindless idiot' have I ever played especially when it came to money? For the record, business has been doing really well. I have six new contracts and all of my consignments were completed just after I set the date for vacation with you. I'm just waiting for the other payments to clear which if you must know- and I'm pretty sure you must- total twenty-five thousand which includes the fifteen percent of the profit from the Maserati campaign which comes directly from your share which still leaves you thirty percent. Those figures also do not include the dividends from my investment portfolio which and Ted and Daniel Quinn handle although I oversee it all. If you don't believe me, you have my permission to ask Ted which I'm sure you will do anyway since you love to micro-manage every fucking thing that touches your life. Happy, dear? Now you understand this, Brian... if I couldn't afford it, I would not be on vacation no matter how much I need the rest or how much I want to be with you. Business first, plain and simple. You taught me that and I've learned every fucking lesson well. Also, I'm having a warehouse space completely renovated so that I can stay in one fucking spot for awhile and see how our plan has worked where I could live anywhere and still have a flourishing career. So right now, I'm going to take a shower...alone. And you can order dinner- and before you ask, I don't give a hell what I eat as long as it's something I can pronounce."
Brian's first inclination was to repack all of his shit and get the next plane out of there. The one thing he didn't spend thousands of dollars to do was spend any portion of his vacation arguing with Justin. But as he replayed the entire episode over while waiting for room service to arrive, he wondered if Justin didn't have some valid points in the middle of all his anger. The truth was that Brian worried about Justin. Chronically. Never breathing a sigh of relief until their standing eleven o'clock phone appointments which included a run down of their day, any other concerns and amazing phone sex episodes. He would go to sleep and then begin the cycle all over the next day. He worried if he was eating enough or sleeping enough, if he had enough for his living expenses or to get from place to place. In addition to all that, he wondered if the time and separation was worth all sacrifices...if they weren't each giving too much or not enough. Not being able to see each other for a year, sometimes two years at a time was certainly weighing on him. Did Justin feel the same weight? Brian would love to believe that he did and that it was the reason he was in such a pissy mood but that wasn't the complete truth of it. Brian had pissed him off with his over-protective tendencies and over-whelming need to take care of Justin. Fucking lesbianics in an alpha male did not go well. It was always magnified because he was so used to having to fix someone else's shit. Debbie ran behind on the mortgage? Write a fucking check. Gus need new cleats? Take a trip up to Toronto and take him shopping and while you're at it make sure to spend equal time with Jenny so she doesn't feel slighted because Michael hasn't bothered to make his yearly visit yet. Instead he's off with Ben so yeah, take up the slack for his shortcomings. Lindsey have to cut back on her hours? Again write a check. And the cycle goes on and on but what happens when the one person who should need him and depend on him, doesn't? Justin was determined to do everything on his own. He'd long since paid back the loan for PIFA and although Brian hadn't wanted to take it, he knew it meant a lot to Justin for him to do so. He even insisted on paying Brian a client-referral fee when he sent business his way. The fucked up thing was Brian operated the same way in every aspect of his life. He'd worked his ass off so that he would never need anyone. So what made it so different when Justin was doing the same exact thing? That was a question that it would take Brian the rest of his natural life to figure out.
He was just about to knock on the bathroom door when Justin opened it.
"Dinner is here."
"I'm not hungry."
Justin went to stand on the wrap around balcony which gave a panoramic view of the London skyline. He wouldn't look at him which caused a pang in Brian's chest. No matter how many times they argued, he would never not look at him before, during or after.
"I owe you an apology, Justin."
"Brian-"
"No, let me finish." Brian took a deep breath. "I was an asshole. I know that but not because I look at you like a kid. I haven't looked at you as a kid for as long as I can remember- quite possibly never. But I won't lie to you and say that everything is peachy keen and fine and all that shit. I miss you when you're not around. Maybe that's why I get a bit more forceful when you are."
"So what are you saying, Brian?"
He thought a moment. It was too late not to admit what was bothering him. He always told Justin that he could be honest with him no matter what it was. He owed Justin at least some variation of the truth without feeling completely exposed. He wasn't ready for that yet. "I'm saying that I wish I knew what else you felt you need to do so that I could help make it happen quickly; so that you could feel like it was time to come home."
I hear the crystal raindrops fall
On the window down the hall
And it becomes the morning dew**
Justin nodded. He knew that it was as close of an admission that Brian was in the same state of weariness as he was. But Justin still had more to accomplish before he could just rest easy in the knowledge that it would never ever come down to a problem of money between them. For every penny he'd ever earned he still heard Michael's whiny annoying voice detailing all that Brian had done for him financially. It pissed Justin off that Michael could get to him that way but it was a fact of his life. It was what fueled his ambition to prove Michael and the rest of the people who ever thought or said such sentiments to his face or behind his back wrong and for it never to cast a shadow on what he and Brian really meant to each other.
"It's hard to explain, Brian."
"Try." When Justin lifted an eyebrow, Brian added, "Please."
"This isn't just about the money although it's a big part of it. Do you know why people have said that I stuck with you even through all the tricking and hard living you've done?"
"What the fuck should you care what people say or what they think?"
"Ordinarily, I would agree with you but the comments weren't direct to you or about you so it's different."
"Fair enough. So what was said?"
"That if you went broke tomorrow, I would drop you faster than a hooker changes johns."
"But we both know that isn't true, Justin. You remember the whole Stockwell episode as well as I do."
"True, I do remember it but others tend to forget that we were together then. Even those who should know better and who know us both individually and as a couple- well as much of a couple as we can be within the context of a non-relationship." Brian smiled briefly as did Justin. They knew they were a couple even if Brian had trouble uttering the actual word. "So you see Brian, I have something to prove not just to them but to myself as well."
"The only thing that matters in all of this, Justin, is what we want."
"I know that but do you really understand why I blew up at you a little while ago? I understand your need to take care of me and where it stems from but now you have to understand my need to take care of myself. And that's what I have to prove- that I can. I know that you'll always be here in some capacity for me. Allow me to build myself up the same way so that should the day ever come when you can't take care of yourself for whatever reason or even if you don't want to, you'll have a partner who can do it for you. One who can fight for you just as you have always fought for me."
Darling, when the morning comes
And I see the morning sun
I want to be the one with you**
Dinner forgotten, Brian set out to show Justin what his request really meant to him in their language- the unspoken words becoming motion and emotion where neither could hide away or put up walls to shield themselves from the other. Brian didn't hurry in his exploration of Justin's body, treating him as if discovering uncharted territory. There wasn't any reason to rush the inevitable culmination, their sole focus was each other and nurturing what they had built...determined to make it stronger so that neither had to wonder where they stood. It was peaceful instead of the usual turbulence; quiet assurance instead of vocal demands. Give and take- a mutual sharing and pairing of all they felt for each other but would not dare say. Nothing else mattered in those moments as sleep and contentment washed over them while summer rain fell quietly and steadily over London. When they woke the next morning, the rain was still coming down in sheets so Brian and Justin decided to make the most of room service and vowed to enjoy each precious stolen moment they had while they could.
Just the two of us, we can make it if we try
Just the two of us, just the two of us
Building big castles way on high
Just the two of us, you and I**
*Suffering (sung by Jay Jay Johansson)- Jansson, Erik Nils/ Johansson, Jay Jay
** Just the Two of Us (sung by Bill Withers)- Withers, Bill/ MacDonald, Ralph/ Salter, William