Keep on moving

Don't stop like the hands of time

Click, clock find your own way to stay

The time will come one day

Why do people choose to live their lives this way?*

Monogamy Blues- May 2012 (Memorial Day Weekend)

I must have been fucking crazy, drunk, high or all three to think this up. It's been nine months- nine fucking or should I say fuck-less months- since I've had my dick in anyone including the one I want riding my cock for all he's worth. After London, I retied to resume the life I've been accustomed to for as long as I could remember. My first time at Babylon was as a gift for myself on the occasion of my eighteenth birthday. I waited until prom night to go with Mikey. We ditched our dates, danced with our shirts off and I got my first official blow job inside the club as opposed to the alley behind it. Ahh...good times! But since my return from vacation and one of the most memorable times of my life, everything else pales in comparison to having Justin. I can now add getting my first blow job in broad daylight while riding the London Eye to my list of first. There is nothing like being up there overlooking an entire city while having your dick sucked expertly and methodically by Justin Taylor. I would have fucked him up there but we were already moving downward and when I came for the second time, I wanted it to be at our own leisure.

After the first night in London, Justin and I reached an understanding. I would accept that he knows what he's doing and he would come to me when and if he needed advice. We discovered that it was the only way we would avoid financial-based arguments in the future. We visited some of the more famous galleries in the city in which Justin was extremely excited to do. As a reward for me being a good boy in letting him do so without argument, he let me update his wardrobe. He absolutely hated it but the truth is that hobo chic does not fit every occasion. He accepted it with as much good grace as he could muster, which wasn't much but in the end I got my way so we were even. We took a three-day tour of the countryside which I wasn't thrilled with at first but I have to admit that I liked it and even got some ideas for the property surrounding Britin. Some nights I would find him up sketching everything he'd seen that day from memory. I don't think I'd ever felt so relaxed as I did watching him engage in the thing I had seen him do so many times over the years and often took for granted. The trip was worth every penny and much, much more because I got a real glimpse of the man Justin had become independent of me. He wasn't an extension of me the way everyone- including me sometimes- seemed to think but an enhancement.

But now I am back to missing him for so many reasons, sex being one of the key reasons. I always used to think I was incapable of craving one person, of committing to one person. I have now proved myself a liar which is disheartening to an extent. It's not that I've lied to myself per say but it's evident that either I didn't know myself very well in this regard or that I'm discovering an inclination I never bothered to explore further than the next fuck. The latter is probably more than a little true since I've never met someone who could keep me enthralled for more time than it takes me to get off two or three times. But then in all fairness to the nameless, faceless and countless men who have blown and ridden my dick, I didn't exactly inspire conversation unless it was moans, groans and asking to be fucked harder, faster and deeper. In any event, Justin was the only one I seemed to have craved more from although it took awhile for me to acknowledge it. I'm not in the least bit sorry it was him though. I'll even go so far to admit that he was right, even if it is only to myself.

"Brian, you have a minute?"

"What is it, Theodore?"

"I know you wanted information on changes to Mel and Lindsey's financial situation and I thought this would be of interest."

"What is all this?"

"The newest request for an additional mortgage. Melanie just faxed it to me. The problem is that with the money you replaced in her account from her trust fund she used so that Lindz could stay home with Gus for that year, there should be much more of that nest egg left so they wouldn't need a second mortgage."

"Has Gus' college fund been touched as of yet?"

"No. That's still in tact which is why I gather they opted to take out another mortgage so that it would stay that way."

"I'm due to go up there in September for Gus' birthday. For now, add my name as a secret benefactor to the request. Under no circumstances are they to know. I don't need any shit about it but I can't see them homeless and I know with Lindsey working part-time and Mel working full-time as a paralegal until she's able to take the board, they would be denied faster than men drop to their knees at Babylon."

"I'll do it, Brian and make it clear to Harvey Finklestein that they are not to be told even under penalty of death. But honestly, I don't think they'll question it much if the end result works in their favor."

"I'm inclined to agree with you but you know Mel. If she smells me anywhere near their business, she becomes a raving pit bull. Either way it has to be done to protect Gus and Jenny Rebecca. I definitely would like to know what the fuck their doing though to even require a second mortgage in the first place."

"I know that part of the reason is Mel's school tuition has gone up and she's also taking a set of summer classes so that she can graduate sooner. That's something, I guess."

"Yeah- something."

"There is another little tidbit I think you'll be interested in."

"Regarding Mel and Lindz?"

"No regarding Justin."

"Well what the fuck is the problem?"

"There isn't one, Brian. In fact, I think you'd be amazed at how well he's really doing even outside of three very hefty donations- two to Autism research and one AIDS research."

"Will you get on with it, then."

"His work on Rage has caught the attention of Federated Department Stores, Inc. and they just signed a pretty hefty contract for continuing use of his copyrighted work. Also he will receive twenty percent of their annual profit without having to invest his own money. He had it built into the contract."

"Wait a minute...Federated Department Stores? Don't they own a series of retail chains?"

"You bet your ass they do. Macy's and JC Penny's just to name a few. It turns out that the head of their advertising department is a big fan of the comic and approached your boy with an offer he would have been a fool to refuse and I advised him as such."

"That in addition to the Rage profits should put him in a good position financially."

"Not exactly, Brian."

"What the hell do you mean? That comic is a hot item. Volume one alone is considered a collectors item already. Volumes two and three are selling out faster than they can be printed."

"All that is true but after the first quarter of the profits were collected, Justin requested that the rest of the profits be sent directly to Michael."

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah. I tried to talk him out of it but he said that since he was unable and unwilling to do the legwork required for promotion of the comic, Michael who is willing and able to do the Cons for it should be compensated for his time and effort. That also includes the Amazon and Ebay accounts. He made Michael a sole proprietor for the franchise including action figures and the sole distributor. If people want Rage, which they do, the only way to get it other than trading their copy on Ebay is to contact Michael through the store website or his Amazon affiliate page."

I nodded. Justin had really set Michael up royally. "Out of curiosity, Ted, how much has it made since Justin pulled out of the deal?"

"This year?"

I nodded.

"Based on first quarter profits, over twenty-three thousand dollars and that includes the re-release of the first five episodes which make up volume one. Since they're considered a collector's item, Michael decided to sell them as a full set for thirty dollars. Initially he only stocked one hundred of them. All of them sold out within three days of the release so he had more made up and decided to keep the immediate sale going until March when first quarter would end. He's considering doing it again beginning Black Friday through Christmas Eve."

"Who knew an idea formed over Beam and Ecstasy would yield all of this?"

Why the hell is Ted looking so apprehensive all of a sudden? "Brian, have you read the last nine issues of the comic?"

"No. I haven't had the time. Why and since when do you?"

"Blake is a huge fan of the comic so I have by default. He's completely invested in it but that's neither here nor there. I think you should read them though and start from the very first volume and issue, Brian and go straight through. You might find it....interesting."

"Ted, what they fuck are you talking about?"

"Just read it, Brian. You may or may not be sorry. In fact there's a new issue that came out today which completes volume three. So really you have ten issues."

At the look on his face, I couldn't very well refuse. Well I could but the truth is I don't want to. Besides I need something else to focus on this weekend. Memorial Day weekend always reminds me of how close I came to losing Justin twelve years ago. So since I can't fuck myself into oblivion, I can at least smoke weed, make nice with Mr. Beam and Mr. Walker for company and read the goddamn comics. Sounds like one helluva fucking- or should I say fuck-less weekend...definitely one for the record books. "Fine. If there's nothing else, I'll just run by the store and pick them up then head home. Something tells me I may need to stop by Liberty Liquors, too. I think I'm out at home. I raised my eyebrow at him for confirmation.

He nodded. "Yeah. Ordinarily I wouldn't encourage the libation and the intended over saturation you're known for but you may need it and since you don't have any appointments until Wednesday, feel free to indulge all you'd like."

"Well that sounds ominous." Ted shrugged at me which should have sent me running and screaming for the nearest exit but since he was given to hysterics at any given time it didn't. "I guess I'd better get going, then."

"Have a good weekend, Bri."

"By the way, what are you up to this weekend? You've been unusually and disgustingly chipper this week. Barbecue at Chez Schmidt?"

Ted smiled as he answered. That should have been my first indication that I would feel strangely envious. Brian Kinney does NOT do envy of Theodore Schmidt. "Blake and I are headed off to Irondequoit Bay. We rented a small cottage and although teeming with people, it's a real feel good atmosphere. It's part of the Rochester suburbs and across the bay from Toronto."

I wish it was me but I'm also happy for Ted. He has a thriving and exciting career- for him at any rate- and he has Blake, who without being a tweaked out Crystal Queen is actually a pretty descent guy. "An idyllic booty call in Western New York. Sounds good. Enjoy yourself and get laid."

"That's the plan, Bri." And with that, he left the office. Cynthia was already gone as was the rest of the staff. I was alone.

Locking down the computer and turning off the office lights, I started not to answer my cell phone but for some reason I couldn't resist the urge. So I did.

"Hey, Old man."

I know there's an exceptionally wide shit-eating grin on my face but I decided to play it cool. "Hey, Sunshine. How are you?"

"I'm okay. I decided at the last minute to get away for the weekend and wanted to see if you wanted to join me."

"Oh? I was just about to go home. Where were you thinking of going?"

"I'm actually en route to my destination. I have about two more hours of driving before I get there."

What the hell? What is he up to this time? I couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped me. "Well you sure didn't waste any time getting out of Dumbo."

"Nope. I needed a break and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to take one. Daphne and Lance broke up so she didn't want to keep the reservation although I urged her to. She's on her way to Virginia Beach with some friends of hers so she offered the reservation to me and I took it."

"Very good, Sunshine but that still doesn't explain where you're on your way to."

"Oh. Well once I get back on the road, I'll be just shy of two hours from the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. So are you in the mood to take the three hour drive from the Pitts and join me in the two story penthouse suite at the Sheraton?"

Pretending nonchalance was difficult especially since I was already lamenting the trials of monogamy and enduring the immediate excitement of hearing him on the phone but again, I managed to keep it cool. "Sure. Sounds good. I'll see you in about four hours since it's an impromptu trip and haven't packed a thing."

"Well if you need clothes perhaps you shouldn't come. Besides it would take you about four hours to pick out outfits for the next four days. I may get bored and go hunting."

I could hear the smile in his voice and I felt an answering one on my lips when I asked, "Just what kind of hunting were you thinking of doing- the two legged or four-legged variety?"

"Definitely two-legs- or should we say the type with three legs. Although I would rather bet on a sure thing. Skype has been great for us but there's nothing like feeling your weight on me while I'm cumming."

That did it. "I'm going home to change clothes and grab an extra box of condoms and lube. If I'm forbidden to wear clothes for the next few days, you'd better make it worth my while."

"And when have I ever disappointed, Mr. Kinney? Remember I learned how to fuck you within an inch of your life directly under and over the Master. I'd say judging from that hard-on I know you have, I was more than an adequate student."

I couldn't help rubbing at it slightly. "Point well taken, Grasshopper."

"I know. Are you leaving the office now?"

"You bet that bubble ass of yours I am."

"Good. Don't cum yet, Brian. That first orgasm and all the others over the weekend belong solely to me."

He didn't know how true that statement really was. "Get going, Sunshine. See you in a few hours. Later."

"Later, Brian." And he was gone.

Nothing wrong with getting my needs met....even if I have to travel three-hours and twenty-one minutes to do so. At least I know I'll be satisfied in the end.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I hide myself from no one

I know the time will surely come

When you'll be in my life, my life always

Yellow is the color of sunrays*

Buckwild in Brooklyn- May 2012

It has been a fucked up couple of months. Business has been great but my personal life....hmm that has left a lot to be desired. The fact that it's THAT weekend doesn't help matters.

London was great. Brian and I talked a lot. We also fucked a lot but we talked more. I won't lie and say that waking up to an empty hotel room was pleasant even after the fulfilling two-weeks of our "fuckacation." It wasn't. In fact,it gets harder every time we have to say ‘good-bye for now.' The trip home- or my temporary home anyway- was uneventful but also hurtful. I know I brought this whole separation on myself no matter the reasons behind it. I get that but it's still so fucking hard to do this alone. Yes, he's behind every decision I make but it's nothing like coming home to him after the victories of the day or my failure to commit what I want to canvas. Instead we have Skype which is great for masturbation since he can see me and I can see him but I miss touching him. It's not the same saying ‘later' and placing your hand to the screen as he does the same. I know that in the long run we'll find our way back to each other but I have to wonder if I should let him go for now. It's not fair to either of us. Maybe he'll have a chance to meet someone else if I step back and vice versa. The main problem is that I don't want to and with Brian Kinney there will always be somebody else. And that's fine because I'm still ‘it' for him be it next year or the next fifty years. It's what I've come to know and expect . Besides it would be unfair of me to ask that of him when I'm fucking almost everything that isn't nailed down in NYC and Long Island. My ass is his only but I have a developed the proverbial itch that needs scratching every day and the only thing that cures it is a tight ass to pound until I can forget the loneliness until it's over. Then it returns, magnified a hundred times along with the heartache and everything it means. We hadn't even set a date for the next fuckfest because of our schedules through to November.

I haven't mentioned to Brian that I'll be in Toronto around Gus' birthday. I didn't want to upset him because I know that week he's scheduled to be in Hawaii for a meeting with the Outrigger hotels. If he gets that account, it would push Brian to just shy of billionaire status and although I know he would rather be with Gus on his birthday, getting that account along with the Maserati account he already has will push Kinnetik into another realm of advertising altogether. I know that he is also planning a very special surprise for Gus during the three weeks he'll be with him in August. Mel and Lindz will undoubtedly give him shit about it; they always have something negative to say- especially Melanie. The trip of it is that Brian has been more than fair or generous where they are concerned. Melanie wouldn't be able to afford the manner of living she has grown accustomed to nor does she have to make a choice between her career and her home because of the child support Brian sends. The amount lets them basically pocket almost everything they make while the payment takes care of the living expenses for all four of them. Yeah, he also pitches in to cover Michael's lack with his daughter. Lindz may not say much but it's what she doesn't say that puts her in total agreement with the bitching Melanie does. I don't like or condone it but every time I get ready to respond on his behalf, he stops me with a look or telling me to forget about it. So I honor his wishes but not without him knowing that I'm fuming by his unwillingness to defend himself against that harridan.

Anyway, I really did need to get out of the city for awhile. My new place is almost ready but since Daph and Lance broke up, I've been spending the night at her place instead of my studio. I knew it wouldn't last but it still makes me sad for her to know I was right. Lance began to complain about the hours she spent in residency at Weill Medical Center. I mean- what exactly did he expect? He wanted her to make a choice between him and the career she's dreamed about since we were eight and a classmate of ours died along with her parents in a car crash. Being a trauma surgeon is a large part of who Daphne is. Unfortunately for him, he came from a family where the women stayed home and the men provided. Yes, the dreaded ‘Barefoot and Pregnant' syndrome. It was stupid as hell for him to even suggest that she do it to keep his ignorant ass; that she would give up all those long hard hours of studying to soothe his Tarzan/Jane ego trip. What a delusional man and wasted specimen. In response to his demand, she told him that his mother should have sucked his dad's dick and swallowed him instead of allowing herself to be implanted with a male chauvinist and she kicked him out. I wouldn't have believed her if she had told me she said it but I heard that argument with my own ears and was hard-pressed not to burst into tears from laughter and ultimately relief. Lance was just all wrong for the Daphne Chanders I've known since kindergarten. A cool chick but a vicious one when she's crossed and Lance and his antiquated ideas and ideals definitely crossed the wrong female. The ironic part was that she planned this entire trip for him and her to spend some quality time together and his big mouth blew it. She tried to cancel the room but because it's Memorial Day weekend, they would have charged her the full fee anyway. So since she decided a ‘girls' weekend' was in order, she headed out this morning on the way to Virginia Beach while I rented a car and opted to drive to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls instead of flying. Of course I already paid her back for it when she called to change the name on reservation. Henry has me booked solid for the next six months so if there was ever a time to get away, this was certainly it.

In addition to the shows and appearances, there's the ‘in and out' lecture I'm scheduled to give at PIFA of all places before I catch a plane to Los Angeles for a business meeting for JT Designs later that evening. Henry knows a professor there and when he found out that Henry represented me, he requested that I come in and give the seniors a crash course in what it's like to make it as an artist under my own steam. I wonder if the guy even knows why I didn't graduate from their institution. I suppose it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things and it certainly hasn't put a damper on my career at all, thank God for that. That type of notoriety could make or break a career. Fortunately, although people know the history- or what they perceive to be the history- of the situation, it hasn't come up that much except in interviews where Henry took care of the inappropriate questions for me. For the amount of money I pay him, he could well afford the trial of dealing with it. Once I get back, I have four paintings to finish before the Toronto show and with the new Federated Department Stores account with a July 1st turnaround, it's a wonder when I'll have time to sleep- not that I do much of that on any given day. The bright side is that I don't plan on doing much of that for the next four days either. My plan is pretty simple...wake-up, eat, sleep, shower, sketch, fuck and watch the fireworks over the falls while creating some fireworks of my own with Brian. That's it. There's nothing else I would rather do than just that. If I could have, I would have even left my damn cell phone at home but it is a necessary evil although there shouldn't be anyone calling about business. The only person I would want to speak with anyway is on his way to meet me.

I put in a quick call to Daphne upon arriving at the hotel to let her know things went smoothly with check-in and to let her know that Brian was on his way up. She and the girls already sounded three sheets to the wind. Thank fuck they decided to rent a stretch Lincoln SUV to make the near eight-hour trip since there would be fifteen hormonal women celebrating graduation from law and medical schools. There was definitely going to be some serious drinking and fucking happening this weekend- be it with strangers or amongst themselves. Daphne's closest female friend, Alyssa, had brought three of her lesbian friends with her, one of which has always wanted Daph. I wonder if the chase will yield results since I've always known Daph to be straight and the ultimate fag hag. Either way, it will certainly be a weekend she'll either want to remember or want to forget.

The two-story penthouse was everything I imagined it when she told me about it. Spacious and luxuriously furnished, it was located on the corner end of the hotel away from the general hustle and bustle. There was no reason to expect a person knocking on the wrong door. In fact if I didn't know it was adjoined to the hotel, I would have sworn we were in a private villa. It was secluded and quiet- something I need in my life just now. The view from the balcony is amazing. It almost feels close enough to reach out and touch the top of the falls and regardless of the noise of the roaring water, I still find it peaceful and humbling....Majestic. Leaning over the railing, I didn't hear the door when it opened but I knew the arms which enfolded me from behind. Knew the point of the chin which pushed my hair to the side and found the small nook which separated my neck from my shoulders. Felt the tell-tale quickening within my body that always present when I was in close proximity to Brian Kinney- the awareness that I could never deny and that was uniquely ours. The air surrounding us always feels charged with anticipation and expectation; alive with its own urgency.

10- Kiss me on the lips.**

As peaceful as staring at the sunset over Falls is, I can't stop myself from tasting the lips which haunted my dreams and always made me hard thinking about them. My mouth found his soft and inviting one, tempting it at first with a slight peck. The prickly yet sexy stubble was just coming in on his otherwise smooth jaw. I couldn't help rubbing my cheek against it before delving in more fully for a taste of him. He let me lead him, silently acquiescing when my tongue demanded entry. God, he tasted so good. Like fresh air and freedom...and a large French vanilla latte with a hint of a full-flavored cigarette.

"You have on too many clothes," he spoke in between kisses.

"So do you," I responded while beginning to unbutton the black shirt he was wearing.

9. Run your fingers through my hair.**

The air was cool but he felt hot to the touch. I always joked that he was a human furnace, his body heat scorching me just by his nearness. I stood there as he continued to divest me of all my clothes and then the rest of his own. Wrapping my hair around his large fist, he pulled me back to him. But he didn't kiss me immediately. Instead, he made his body collide with mine, knocking the breath from me while eliciting a sharp gasp at the full-bodied contact. My nipples hardened to sharp points as he rubbed himself against me; our cocks greeting each other in eagerness.

8. Touch me...slowly**

Although he was forceful and commanding, he didn't rush. He took his sweet time arousing me to within an inch of sense. The more I tried to speed to the main event, the slower and more sensual his assault became. Still using my hair to restrict my movements, Brian gave me a tongue bath all the while still standing outside on the balcony. Although I didn't mind fucking in public, I was even more glad that our room was secluded because of the sounds he was pulling from me at every fucking turn. He attacked my neck, licking and sucking and saying the dirtiest things I've ever heard him speak. I could have come right there even before he kissed and sucked my nipples which actually did make me shoot. He laughed when I lamented that he'd reverted me back to a fuck-less teenager. He just said, "Wait. You'll shoot again," and started all over again.

7. Hold it- let's go straight to number one**

6. Lips**

The sight of six-foot-two Brian Kinney standing tall and fully clothed is fantastic. But the sight of his long, lean frame kneeling before me with my dick in his mouth is fucking spectacular. His eyes stay connected with mine as he licks and sucks me at the same time; one hand rolling my balls while the other finger-fucking the nipple I used to wear my earring in. Oh my.... I want to cum again but he's edging me and enjoying my fucking torment at his hands and talented mouth. He backed off long enough to reach inside the pocket of his discarded pants for the ever-present lube and requisite condom before he resumed making me pant and beg for release. He must have felt me wobble because he moved to drape me over the railing of the balcony before bending to rim me and jerking me off until my orgasm was bearing down once again. He'd taught me how to stave it off long ago but when this close it was agony to do so. And the sadistic motherfucker knew that when he demanded that I stop it otherwise he would withhold what I really craved which was his nine-in-a-half-cut shoved deep in me.

5. Fingers**

4. Play**

As if his tongue wasn't enough to send me to Sexaholic Anonymous, his fucking fingers should make me run screaming for the nearest meeting. I feel drunk with the constant sensation battering me from the inside out. Yet I can't get enough. The yelp he drew from me when he applied that firm hand to my ass while burying his fingers inside me in preparation, has me pushing back more firmly.

"Goddammit, Brian...please!"

"C'mon, you can hold out a little while longer." He punctuated every syllable with a jab to my sweet spot. I could help but cry out with every single strike of it.

"Fuck. Me. Already. Please!"

"God. You're such a butt-slut," he said laughing low in my ear.

"If I am, it's your own fault."

"I'll take full credit as long as I'm the only one."

"Yes."

"Ready, Sunshine?" Finally, I heard the fucking foil being torn and felt the condom being placed on the hard dick behind me.

"More tha- Ugh!" I couldn't say anymore as he rammed home.

3. To number one**

I always marveled at Brian's ability to thread the maximum amount of pleasure with the smallest amount of pain to keep me on the cusp of losing my mind. Today was no exception. The familiar sting of his entry coupled with a forceful snap of his hips had me feeling euphoric and desperate upon his withdrawal, only for him to penetrate me again more fully. That level of skill alone would never allow me to bottom for anyone else regardless of if I loved them or not. It was something that couldn't be taught and something that would always keep me enthralled. The feel of his nails digging into my back while the other hand grips my shoulder has me about ready to pass out from the pleasure but he is nowhere near done with me... and I couldn't be more happy that he isn't. I feel the hand which scratched me shift upward just before Brian grips my hair and pounds my ass harder than I could ever remember him doing. Fuck! He's hungrier than I ever remember him being before and his mouth more vocal and dirtier than it's ever been. Such a fucking turn-on in every sense of the word.

"That's right, Sunshine," he crooned in my ear. "Move your ass faster. Take me deeper."

What the fuck??? Any deeper and he'll be in my throat but I'll be damned if I didn't do what he said. I couldn't NOT do it as he adjusted my neck so he could tongue-fuck my mouth in the same manner he fucked me- hard, unyielding and demanding- brooking no hesitation or disobedience in any form or fashion. He showed no mercy and I didn't ask for any. It seemed that every time we've been separated and come back together, everything is more intense. From the conversations and disagreements right down to our most basic and primal need to fuck and be fucked, everything is more vivid and addictive. And no amount of the men we fuck outside of each other can change that.

Taking full advantage of my natural flexibility, I placed my leg over the rail and heard him gasp through the kiss. I knew I tightened around him and held his dick right where I wanted it most. The tables had turned and I was topping from the bottom, fucking him into near delirium where he held me imprisoned while he overloaded me with sensation. Clenching and releasing at will, I made Brian beg for release and then denied him. All my sexually sadistic tendencies came rushing forth; treated his dick like a thrall collar, controlling where he moved in me and how deep. I held him by his hair, brought his cheek flush against mine, enjoying the scratch of his stubble with every movement. Every sensation heightened immediately with the full body contact. I felt his heat and sweat at my back; felt baptized in all Brian was, is and will be to me. His nails raked down my chest until at last his hand firmly grasped my dick. I wasn't ready for it to end but it did all too soon.

"I'm....cumming," he gasped out sounding shocked and relieved at the same time.

The orgasm I'd been denied barreled down at his admission. My tribute bathed his hand as his was caught in the condom. He licked his fingers clean and then kissed me deeply sharing my taste with me. It was then that I wobbled a bit and fell against him. He caught and held me his eyes never leaving mine. I knew what he wanted to say but wouldn't allow it.

I know, Brian," I said simply and for right now, it was enough.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The blaring sound of the Star Wars theme music woke both of them up out of a sound and satisfying sleep. After a leisurely soak in the Jacuzzi within the suite, exhaustion claimed both of them which they were all too happy to succumb to. Justin was still sore but couldn't regret any part of the enthusiastic fuck he'd received yesterday evening. In fact if his ass would heal adequately by dinner, he planned to seduce Brian into a repeat performance.

"Will you either answer the fucking phone or shut the goddamn thing off," Brian said while shoving his head under Justin's pillow to resume sleeping.

"Big ass baby," muttered while blindly reaching for the offending object. It was the third call in as many minutes. The minute he answered the phone he knew he should have followed the latter of Brian's sourly delivered advice.

"Good morning, Boy Wonder," came the chipper voice on the other end of the phone.

"Michael, do you have any idea what time it is?" Justin let out an annoyed breath. Of course the prick knew what time it was. "What do you want?"

"I was wondering if you knew where Brian was."

Justin sat up, immediately removing the pillow from Brian's head and silently urging him to be quiet. "Why would I know that, Michael? Last thing I remember was that he was in Pittsburgh. I'm not."

"Well considering what today is, I thought he might have called you."

"Not at seven-thirty-five in the morning, Michael. Have you checked with Emmett or Ted? Maybe he went up to visit Gus."

"Ted and Blake are out of town and Em is working. As far as Lindsey and Melanie, they didn't mention him being there which Mel does often when I speak to her."

"Well then I don't know what to tell you."

"Look, I just thought..."

"I know what you thought, Michael." Justin shook his head. It was the same old story and song with Michael and his obsession with Brian. He would literally shit bricks if he knew that Brian and Justin were together at that very moment, sharing the same bed, the same air or the same part of the Continent. Based on that alone, Justin was glad he and Brian decided that they wouldn't let anyone but a trusted few what the situation was with them. His mother didn't even realize the full extent of their relationship on the chance that she would accidentally let it slip to Debbie and therefore to Michael. They had learned to be more careful after their time in Italy. Brian reached over then to discreetly shut his cell phone off. "Why don't you try his phone or the office, Michael. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe he just wanted to get away."

"That's not Brian," Michael said assuredly.

"Well you would know."

"Yes, I would. By the way have you given anymore thought to doing another episode of the comic? People are asking for a continuation. They want to see how Rage and Zephyr are doing."

"I told you after the last one, Michael. I'm done with the Rage franchise. I've made my money from it and I have nothing else to gain in continuing with it. Why not put out an ad for artists. PIFA is teeming with young men and women interested in graphic arts and illustration."

"Yes but none of them are you."

"I realize that and maybe it's time for me to pass the torch to someone else. If you find another artist, have them call me or email me. I'll be happy to provide them the original blueprints for the artwork although they will want to put their own stamp on it. Speaking of which, I have to go. If I hear from Brian, I'll tell him to call you."

"Do that. I really wish you would reconsider, Justin."

"I won't. But I'm happy that the comic is still successful in its own right. Enjoy the fruits of it. Later." And leave me out of it, he thought as he hung up the phone without giving Michael a chance to respond. Turning to Brian, he said, "You should call him."

"Why? You handled that well enough."'

"If you don't, he's going to fill up your voice mail until you do. You should just do what's necessary and get it over with. In the meantime, I'm going to take a shower."

"Hold on, Justin. What's bothering you?"

"Nothing that I want to talk about or can't handle, Brian. Call your best friend before he puts out a missing persons report or pesters Carl to put out an APB for you. I just need a little time. I'm a big boy and can wash myself." He added what he hoped was a reassuring smile as he headed off to the bathroom.

Shutting the door behind him, he stoically took care of his usual ablutions. In a lot of ways, it was surreal to think that he was almost taken out of this world twelve years ago. He reflected on all he could remember of that time. Some things were still missing and if his weird dreams when he had them were any indication, the blanks would be filled in enough that he could ask Daphne what was fact and what was fiction. He wouldn't dare ask Brian to relive it. The prom and several subsequent event were still painful to them both. He made use of the shower seat and let the water rain down on him, trying to wash himself clean of the memories and of Michael. Why he can't accept that the Rage era of Justin's life was over and done for him was something he couldn't understand. Michael got to live out his most cherished fantasy. It should have been enough. Justin laughed and shook the water from his eyes. With Michael Novotny that particular fantasy would never be enough. Well he could just find someone else to illustrate it for him because Justin Taylor was through.

The mutinous look he received when he emerged from the bathroom should have alerted him to something terribly wrong but Justin just wanted to put some clothes on and sit on the balcony overlooking the Falls with his sketch pad. It was his way of reassuring himself that he was still alive and kicking life in the ass.

"I'm going to order some food. Do you want anything?" At Brian's continued silence, Justin looked at him. A look of horror and anger was emblazoned across Brian's features. "Why are you looking at me like that? Did you call Michael?"

"I called him," he answered shortly.

"And I take that it wasn't a mutually satisfying phone call."

"He called because he'd heard that I stopped by the store yesterday."

"Nothing unusual, then." Justin shrugged and resumed looking through the hotel's menu.

"Justin." The inflection in Brian's tone gave him pause.

"What?" What the fuck was his problem? I'm so not in the mood for any of Brian's cryptic shit. Fuck breakfast! Grabbing his sketch pad and supplies he was making his way to the stairs from the upstairs bedroom when Brian blocked his way. An angry and naked Brian to be exact.

"I want to talk to you."

Can it wait? I'm not in the mood right now."

"No it fucking can't wait, Justin."

"Well then speak so I can get to the balcony, Brian. I can't do this with you today."

"One question then... why did you decide to kill off JT?"

Justin understood what the problem was. The last issue of Rage hit stores yesterday but Brian couldn't have known that it was coming out. To Justin's knowledge Brian had no further interest in the franchise once Rage and JT got married.

"Shouldn't you be asking Michael this question? I just drew according to the storyline."

Brian nodded but the action was anything agreeable. Justin could tell he was seething.

"So what you're basically telling me is that you drew your own fucking death so that Zephyr-meaning Michael- could live out the fantasy of taking JT's place in Rage's- meaning my- life? And the issue came out on the day before you almost lost your life twelve fucking years ago."

"It's just a fucking comic book, Brian."

"Not to Michael it isn't. And it shouldn't be to us either since our lives have been on display since day fucking one."

"What should it matter? My part in the franchise is over. You heard me tell Michael that."

"How could you have drawn....that?... Fuck!!!"

"What Brian? It's a fucking comic."

"NO! That is NOT all it is! You have no idea what you looked like after you got bashed or the days when you were in a coma or the nights I sat up and watched you struggle to sleep."

"I don't have to know what I looked like Brian since I lived it! Since I still have the fucking nightmares about it. Since there are bits and pieces of shit that I dream that I can't fucking piece together even after twelve motherfucking years. Do you want to know how many times I thought about ending it all since then, Brian?"

"I don't want to hear this." Brian began to pace to the other side of the room.

"Of course you don't. But I don't and won't hold that against you. Truth be told, that part of my condition or the remnant of PTSD I may or may not have is none of your fucking business."

"What the fuck do you mean it isn't my business, Justin? I was right there with you."

"I know that but there was only so much you could do. You performed admirably but you have no idea what it's like to be in a body that won't obey no matter how much you tell it to do otherwise. So instead of actually causing myself the harm I was thinking about at the time, I did what I always did before fucking Hobbs and since I've been able to regain some use out of my hand...I drew. As twisted as the pictures make you feel, Brian, imagine what I was feeling and imagining in mind when I drew my own character's death at the request- no the fucking demand- of my boyfriend's best friend. So until you can actually understand the agony and depression and fucking fear of having those images in my brain and committing them to paper, FUCK OFF! Michael is happy and I'm now through with it; just as I am with this conversation."

How can you just leave me standing?

Alone in a world that's so cold

Maybe I'm just too demanding

Maybe I'm just like my father too bold

Maybe you're just like my mother

She's never satisfied

Why do we scream at each other

This is what it sounds like when doves cry**

Justin turned and ran down the stairs, needing the fresh air to calm his nerves and stave off the tears threatening to spill over. He wanted to take a Xanax so badly but he didn't like the way it made him feel. So Justin worked through the panic attack as best he could. All that Justin had tried to keep together and hold at bay began unraveling and there was nothing he could do to stop the inevitable. Closing his eyes he saw the images which had been assailing him on most nights when he slept flashing; opening his eyes he saw the bottomless depths of Niagara Falls. Justin backed away from the railing, folding himself in a small corner. He couldn't stop the quake inside of him or the thoughts. Tears and trembling....tears and trembling. Justin hated it but knew all he could do was ride it out. He's been through so many, many times before. How easy it would be to just disappear.... He couldn't stop the thought and that scared him even more. It was in those moments that he was trapped within his own personal hell with no escape. Sleep wasn't even a refuge. His first inclination was to fight the strong arms which gathered him close. He didn't want to be touched; couldn't stand to be touched but for those familiar arms which fought him to get closer as he fought to get away. Even knowing that it was Brian didn't help, just added to the fear in that moment. Trapped. Scared and scarred for fucking life- the self-assured, self-possessed man Justin Taylor had become was a figment of his imagination in the throes of an attack. Instead the harder he fought to suppress the trauma, the more it overtook him.

Brian left Justin briefly, to grab a blanket, pillow, a cool washcloth and two bottles of water- his actions as automatic as they had been years ago when Justin was in the midst of his panic attack. He breathed a sigh of relief when he found Justin in the exact spot he'd left him. There was a time when Justin would have acted on the harmful thoughts making a home in his head. Seating himself between Justin and the rail, he spread the blanket over them. Although it was nice out, he knew Justin's shirt was soaked through with sweat and tears. His first inclination now and always had been to protect Justin and although it wasn't much, he could only do what he could do. The man currently trembling with fear and self-loathing had taught him that. The guilt from not being able to anticipate Justin being irreparably harmed by Chris Hobbs still ate at Brian especially on this date. Ordinarily he would be at home, the backroom or his hideaway by Lake Erie getting lost in an obscene amount of drugs, drinking and nameless faceless dudes trying to cope. But he was here where he wanted to be, with the person he wanted to be with and Justin needed him cognizant and present.

"I'm s-s-sorry, Brian," Justin whispered.

"Shush, Sunshine. There's nothing to apologize for. Go to sleep. I'll watch over you. Nothing will happen to you. I promise."

Brian held him until the trembling subsided and held him tighter still after it stopped. And as always he kept his promise.

*Keep on Moving (sung by Soul II Soul)- Trevor Romeo

** Straight to Number One (sung by Touch-N-Go)- Charlie Gillett/ David Lowe

*** When Doves Cry (sung by Prince and the Revolution)- Prince Rogers Nelson