I look at you, you look at me

(You can't tell me you ain't feeling butterflies)

It's obvious there's some chemistry

(I think I know why it feels so right)

Babylon/Pittsburgh Late August 2014

I miss him. It's almost been a year since I've seen him and he's slowly but most assuredly pulling away from me. I feel that as definite as the clothes against my skin. Between then and now we've only managed to speak a handful of times. Something was different about our parting in Toronto. Yeah- definitely different. I don't know if it was because we were there at the same time and he had to watch me go my own way just as I had to watch him make his way back to New York. Technically that's never happened. When we came back from London a few years ago, I stayed at the airport in New York while he went home. I refused to have him sit there for five hours with me. Maybe I should have let him. Fuck! I don't know but I know that something was...off about this last parting.

I wanted so long to know

Now you're telling me you gotta let it go

(Don't tell me I have to start all over again)

I never thought this day would come

(This is something that I've wanted in my life)

I realize that you're the one

(And you're telling me it's time to say goodbye)

These damn rings have burned a hole in my pocket everyday for the last ten years. I don't go anywhere without them.Strange. Justin is not only in my heart, he's in my pocket. Maybe I should have given him his in Toronto. That's a stupid thought but maybe it would have put it all in perspective. I'm not just spinning tires with him. He's it for me and I know it. I know that he's tired but not of me. And I know that he's scared but I don't think he's fearful of me. So the question is what is keeping him distant? As a teenage boy, Justin was so easy to read and he still is in some ways. But as a man in his thirties is so much harder now. Maybe it's because of the distance- I don't know- but I know that we're still as connected as we were when I fought like hell against ‘Hurricane Justin,' the twink who blew into my life and upended it.

What's inside of my heart it ain't gonna change

So it shouldn't be so easy to walk away

(You feel it, I feel it let's not pretend)

I can't see us throwing everything away now. Wait where the fuck did that thought come from? Who said anything about ending? No. I refuse to accept that as even a remote thought, not after everything. Had this been ten years ago, I would have said fine but not now. Not ever. I need to go home. Maybe I've had one too many Beams- except that in all honesty I've only had three. It takes an entire bottle for me to be impaired so I can't blame any decision I make on alcohol. I know I need to get to New York. I feel like time is running out for Justin and I- that if I don't do something, I will lose him and I...I can't. And I won't.

Maybe I don't know what live is, maybe I'm a fool

I just know what I'm feeling and it's all because of you

Don't tell me I don't know, I want the truth

‘Cause they call it, we call it, you call it, I call it love

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dumbo NY August/ Early September 2014

I hate twinks. I know that sounds like an unfair statement but considering the one who just left was one of those cream-filled, no-substance desserts... next time I'll just visit the actual store and buy a fucking Twinkie. It would be less of a hassle. It never fails. There's always one thinking they got under the wire and could change my mind about letting them stay. NOPE! Men like him- or should I say a boy with a man size part- are a necessary evil in my life right now and have been since I began this journey of self-discovery and building my own fortune.

The sad thing is that I would be content with ONE man for the rest of my life. Of course Brian is that man but he can't be. My life and all that I've built up for myself is here. I just can't see how we can make it without me having to sacrifice everything. So at this juncture... we've tried and now as much as it pains me I have to let him go. Being with him in Toronto and then once again having to part ways to lead our separate lives has become harder than I ever imagined it would be. Standing there in the airport for the final time was almost unbearable. So much so that I actually did consider throwing my career away and going with him. That scared me. To know, even for that brief moment, that I would literally engage in self-sabotage after all these years for a man- even if it is Brian- scared the shit out of me. I had to question what I would have to do to keep him and I can't pay that kind of price. I can't kill my hopes and dreams just for the sake of being with him 24/7. The funny thing is he would never ask me to do such a thing; it would be my own choice and that can't happen. I can't allow myself to choose him over me. Over what I want from the rest of my life. His life has been on hold just as much as mine and it's time to get to the business of learning to live...really live without each other. It just hurts too fucking much to stay on this divergent road. Hell for Brian it will probably be a relief at this point.

It's so clear for you to see

(Don't let nobody tell you what to do)

Why they can't just let us be happy

(I don't want to find somebody new)

If you know what's really in your heart

Then don't let them tear us apart

(Cause you feel I, I feel it don't say we're through)

Outside of all that and even if it could work again, I am tired of having to put up with the outside innuendos and opinions about Brian and I. I noticed Melanie scrutinizing every single interaction between he and I while we were there. Why? In addition to that, I'm sure that with Michael showing up, everyone else knows that we were there together by now. I've been getting at least six Brian-related texts that have NOT been from Brian since I came back from Toronto. I can't become their fucking science project again. Every single thing we ever did while we were together in Pittsburgh was mulled over, argued about, talked about...it was too damn much. I felt like every action was under the microscope of the Family. So what...Brian and I have a twelve year age difference. He has or had an aversion to relationship and/or permanence. Big fucking deal! It was always my decision to stay or go. I was never meant to be an object of pity or in Michael's case scorn; wasn't manipulated into loving Brian. I knew who he was, I knew what he could be and I knew what he wouldn't dare let the rest of them know- that he was a person with feelings and not the heartless shit they always made him out to be. Brian willingly stayed true to every thought and lived up to every horrible judgment they placed on him for what? So that they could feel justified and superior that they were right in some way? I can't sit there and watch that happen to him again. I can't sit by and watch those who supposedly knew him best, beat him down...and they did- repeatedly and in some ways used me to do it. In addition to that I can't let Brian put himself and his friendship- whatever they're worth- on the line defending me so it's best that I remove myself from the equation. I won't ask him to make a choice between me and the people who have been with him long before I appeared in his life. Regardless of everything else I know he loves them and I guess to some extent the feeling is mutual. I just think they love what he can do for them more. The fact is that Brian and I made each other happy for a time but the time we've spent apart has made me miserable and grouchy and sad all the time and evil at other times. I can't live in this emotional hell anymore. The one thing I've learned being out here on my own is that change starts and ends with me. So now it's time to reconstruct my life again. So that's it then... This isn't a question of if I love him or not. I do but I love me just a little bit more. That said it's time I make a final trip to Pittsburgh.

Maybe I don't know what love is, maybe I'm a fool

I just know what I'm feeling and it's all because of you

Don't tell me I don't know, I want the truth

‘Cause they call it, we call it, you call it, I call it love

Somewhere Between New York and Pittsburgh- Liberty Air Flight #2917

The urgency is back. I wish this fucking plane had rocket fuel in it or could travel at the speed of light. Talking with Daphne was very enlightening but then it usually is. And I hate to admit that the feeling I had which sparked this entire trip is entirely accurate...Justin wants to end things. I'm sitting here feeling a rare case of fucking hysteria. I suppose I should thank him for that. Because of him, I have now admitted that emotionally I'm about to fly over the damn cuckoo's nest. It was so much easier when I could just bury my feelings in drugs and drinking and move the fuck on but no...Justin couldn't let me alone. Yep. I'm willing to blame my current state of panic on him. He showed me love and taught me how to connect for real with another person and now he wants to back out. NO! If I sound like a petulant child within my own brain it's okay as long as no one else knows about it.

Daphne also hinted at some of the other things which has bothered him. I know he and I had talked about it in New York back when this all began. He's scared. I get it because so am I. But it's more about the fear of those surrounding us. I know how he feels. We both hated being targeted by the family. Unsolicited opinions and advice certainly wreaked havoc on what might have been. Justin and I could have been married by now and living at the house but the pressure to...what? Conform? Sacrifice? Anyway it wasn't the right time. This is. Ten years is a long-time to have a relationship-yes I'm admitting that it's a relationship too thanks to Sunshine- but a long-distance relationship is harder in so many ways. The constant fear and worry of how your lover is faring even though on the phone they tell you they're fine. Phone sex no matter how fucking hot can only hit the spot in so many ways especially with a man like Justin who I've been in and vice versa. Skype worked for awhile too but it wasn't the same watching him cum through a computer screen instead of being able to feel the after-effects of his release; to see that glow only a good hard full-bodied orgasm brings over him. Not being able to wake up next to him has been the bane of my existence throughout the whole experience. I used to love only having a corner of the bed while he was pressed against me on the other side- all arms and legs wrapped around me and his chin tucked in the crook of my neck. Yeah I complained about it but I still loved it. I remember that very first morning of waking up to him. I felt myself smile briefly before I turned and wrapped myself around him. Before I even realized what I was doing I had brought him closer and buried my face in the softest skin ever. Then of course I woke up and caught myself before I said or did anything embarrassing like mumble ‘I love you' like I did while cumming the night before. Jeez, talk about lesbianic tendencies right from the start! But Justin inspired those feelings in me from the beginning and over the years instead of dying down they've only gotten stronger. But contrary to what he may think or feel, they are reserved only for him and Gus. Not Mikey. Not Lindsey. No one else. So no, letting him cut this off is not an option for me. All I can do is hope that I'm not too late but I will turn right back around and board another fucking plane heading back to New York if I have to but he and I need to have a conversation which is long overdue. We should have had it in Canada but under Melanie and Lindsey's watchful eyes and offers of unsolicited advice there wasn't a way to do it. When we went to bed it was about satisfying the long-denied craving especially for me. I hadn't been with anyone else since we left London and I was ravenous for him. Of course he doesn't know that I've been monogamous...no one does. But after that last visit to the backroom it just wasn't worth it anymore. The person I wanted wasn't there and tricking just wasn't satisfying anymore. Besides I wanted to be sure I could do monogamy. Lo and behold, I can and the Apocalypse hasn't occurred. Amazing that...

"We're approaching landing. Everyone please fasten your seatbelts and thank you for flying Liberty Air."

Finally....FINAL-FUCKING-LY!! I just hope I'm not too late.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Ugh! Hey, watch it, Assho-"

We have a bond that's unbreakable and it's not time to let it go

(We're in love)

And now that we know it's real

We're gonna let it show to the whole world

That you're mine forever and you're mine

You're my everything

"Sorry, Brian."

Shit. Fuck. Damn. WHY? Well why the fuck not? This is what I wanted isn't it? To see him? To speak with him?

"Where you going?"

"Home." Yeah. That answer worked. I'm going to get the fuck on the plane and take my ass back to New York, write a ‘Dear John' letter and be finished with this whole fucking mess.

"Well if that's the case, you're going the wrong way. You up for coffee?"

Charming and commanding motherfucker. I should just say the words now and be done with it. So why can't I do it? What the fuck is wrong with me? "No."

"Then it's home then."

No don't smile at me....and then he did. Fucking Brian! "That depends on if you feel like getting on another plane since my home is in New York. I just raced the entire length of the airport. The least I should do is get on the fucking plane."

"Forget the plane and come home with me."

Shit now he's biting his bottom lip knowing how much that....fine! "Okay." Maybe it will be easier to do it this way. Maybe then he'll drop me back off at the airport and it will be all over. Why can't I just blurt the words out right now? Maybe it's because of his nearness and his scent. The fact that his mere presence keeps me enthralled and thirsty- makes me hungry for him. Fuck! I am in trouble. But it has to happen; we have to end, don't we?

Maybe I don't know what love is, maybe I'm a fool

I just know what I'm feeling and it's all because of you

Don't tell me I don't know, I want the truth

‘Cause they call it, we call it, you call it, I call it love*

*I Call It Love (sung by Lionel Ritchie)- Hermansen, Tor Erik/ Jackson, Phillip Lamont/ Eriksen, Mikkel