NINETEEN AND COUNTING, YUCK WE’LL PRETEND TWENTY 

JUSTIN 

Daphne and I sit around Starbucks waiting for Alexia to get done impressing the masses with foam art. I could have been slightly peeved at Brian, but really, Lightning was just nibbling on Prada. She can't help that Brian is a spaz.

“Justin, I just don’t see ‘Pretty Woman’ being possible here.” Daphne tells me, looking at the pictures I had the PJ’s sort of take when Joan started to get on my nerves.

“If you guys could make MM passable, then anything’s possible.” I tell her, I mean Ben agreed to a date.

“Excuse me but can you explain to your friend she doesn’t work here.” Joe, the guy who needs to quit staring at Brian, informs me. Like what he says matters, Alexia loves her new job.

“Think Brian will be okay with my daycare?” I ask when Joe stomps off.

“Again, why are you taking in everyone’s cats?” She asks me.

“So they know their babies are being watched while they’re working.” I explain for like the millionth time.

“Justin, this isn’t because Brian still hasn’t asked is it?” She asked as she wrinkled her nose at the granny shorts Claire was wearing.

“No. I don’t care, I really don’t, I mean all it would mean was disappointing him, and well, I really don’t want to. So it works that we are at nineteen days and no proposal.” I tell her. I’m not counting really, but you know in ten minutes it will be twenty, but well, it’s not a big deal.

“Maybe dye the hair something closer to Brian’s, lose the atrocious wardrobe, and we are going to have get her to the gym.” September tells us, coming in and sitting down.

“Yeah, that could work, but until then, just enough to get a job, something that doesn’t pay minimum. Joan is enough to explain all things wrong in that household.” Marie who came and met the antichrist tells us.

“Yeah, but she just reminds me why staying the boyfriend works for me.” I tell them buffing my ring, just because they all get green with envy when they see it.

“I could deal with the evil one if Brian was the prize.” September tells us, and really, does half the place have to nod with her.

“Well he didn’t put the ring on your finger, or any of yours.” I say as I look at them all. Not that it means I’m any closer to saying yes to the question he isn’t asking me.

“Okay, I’m done.” Alexia says, taking off the apron she bought when Joe refused to give her one. I still think she should let her dad buy her one of these, that way Joe could go away.

“Operation ‘Kidnap Claire and Cinderella her ass’ is a go.” September announces and does she not get that these idiots love to tell Brian on me.

“Anybody call, text or even carrier pigeon this one, and I’ll bring MM to tell you about every shit Elroy has ever had.” I warn, because they have met the mouth that is MM.

We all get in my still wonderful smelling car and head to Satan’s lair, AKA the house Brian graced with his birth. Not that he seems to want to acknowledge the only good thing that probably came out of that place. MM told me things that had me peeing on a certain Jack Kinney’s grave in the middle of the night ten cosmo regulars later, but you know, Emmett promised not to tell. Although I think maybe he did, because Brian was laughing for days.

We park across the street and I wonder if John got his ass kicked out of school, because there he sits, throwing rocks at passing cars. I am so suggesting the military school my mom divorced my dad over. I spot Claire carrying the usual sacks of gluttony to the house and you know, Joanie can deal with withdrawal because Claire is being rescued.

We do the stalker drive and when we were close enough the girls jumped out and tried to drag her in the car, but it was like the chihuahua and the Great Dane debacle at the PJ meeting. Which is not worth the time it took to tell, but let's just say Lady Dane wasn’t interested in little Chichi. So I open my door and wave to Claire, and why does she look like she wants to run?

“We’re taking a spa day, on Brian, want to help?” I smile to see if she’ll fall for it. It’s really Alexia’s treat because she been using tips instead of credit and she was worried her Dad might think the therapy she’s been in for five years is working, which could cancel the whole unlimited spending we all do. Brian should be happy, because Alexia saves him so much money.

“Claire get in the fucking car.” I try, because it’s how Brian would do it, and shit, she got in. I look back and Satan’s disciple ran in to tell, so I sped off with our victim. When my Brian ring goes off, I figure Sexy Back was his song, I answered to the singing triplets in the back.

“Hey, so like I finished the board and thought it was time for a vacation day.” I tell him shaking my head to get them to shut up. 

“Justin, I don’t give vacations for an employee who takes them while he’s working. Now return Claire and get back here.” He tells me. “WHO TOLD!”

“Yelling isn’t necessary, but my mother called, something about calling the cops since Claire was kidnapped.” He tells me. I wonder if Satan will like the special bottle I’m going to make just for her.

“Claire came willingly, can you tell that to Carl if Satan calls the police.” I ask him.

“Justin, PUT HER BACK!” 

“You know that’s no way to talk to the love of your life.” I tell him, just because I know he still can’t say THAT ONE.

“Justin, loving you is going to get me committed, and not how that ring implies.” UM, did he just… 

I looked up in time to see the fire hydrant, but hey, I was only going like twenty, so we just kind of bumped it and well, now my car’s being washed.

“I think I love you too, but my car is kind of flooding.” I tell him hanging up.

Getting out, the Squad got Claire to join them in the water and well, he loves me, so why not celebrate I run head first into the spray.

Really, why is Carl dragging me in? Claire’s the one who stripped, we just chased the crazy woman. The Squad told me that if we are letting her join than we all go together. What they have to remember is that she decided to drink the Sherry, and everything that happened was the result. I get that maybe people thought she was trying to escape because she was running down the sidewalk screaming ‘FREEDOM’, while we were chasing her, but we were just trying to keep that BRA covered. I mean really, Joanie couldn’t like skip a bottle so Claire could get a new one, not FrankenBra. I mean, did we look like kidnappers, which yeah we said it, but not really. 

Carl just told us to get in the car because Brian wanted me home, which just ruined the whole jailhouse rock the girls had going. Drew came and un-parked my car, telling me that Brian grounded me. I sat pouting, but then looking at the Squad and Claire, I remembered why we crashed. I was smiling until I saw Brian with the whole nose holding thing going.

“Blow him, it will make him forget.” Daphne tells me.

“Wait, I can do it.” September volunteers then puts her hand down when I glare.

“Don’t look at me, he’s my brother and I don’t want to know.” Claire tells me, and really if it was Molly I wouldn’t either.

So I walk over with my best smile and he just drags me into the building while Carl is taking them to Starbucks for girl time.

“Hey, remember I’M THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!” I yell when he sits me at my desk instead of say, the bathroom.

“Well love of my life, we have a campaign for you to win. It’s called get Brian to not kick my cute ass for Joan’s visit.” He tells me, and shit that might explain the desk.

“How about Justin blows Brian until Brian forgets?” I offer batting my baby blues but Satan will probably require like ‘a world class hooker blow job’ and well, I’m working up to that one. 

“Justin, did you get hurt?” He asks me, as I’m trying to figure out a way to get to world status.

“What?” I ask him.

“Look I’m pissed about my mother, but did you get hurt? Drew said the windshield had a crack.” He gave me this look I hadn’t seen before.

“Oh, well that kind of came from Claire throwing a bottle in the wrong direction.” I tell him and start to squirm because I’m really getting a bit antsy.

So I get up and head to his office, ignoring him when he said we didn’t have time. Running in and taking off my shirt, I stop when I see Leo Brown looking at me strangely.

“Brian told me that you probably wanted like an athlete, but you know I think I could work.” I tell him. “So ‘No’ I’m guessing, that’s okay, being a model was just a pipedream anyway.” I tell him, backing up, but Brian just couldn’t let me die in peace.

“Leo meet Justin, my fiance.” HE DID NOT JUST DO THAT!

“Well, Brian did always like to make an entrance, I guess I couldn’t expect anything less from the fiance.” Leo tells him.

“Yeah, you really couldn’t.” I tell him and glare, Kitty Day Care, opening at a loft near you!