JUSTIN 

Pros

Brian lets me have his dessert.

My cats have all the catnip they could ever want

He actually gets me, in a way no one else does and doesn’t get all confused when I’m talking.

I get to see him naked!!!!

Cons

Satan shows up at the wrong times.

I kind of had to stop at that one, because it was hard to think of one worse than that one. 

“I could put he’s a bit of a control freak, but well, it works for me. That he seems to think that if he says something, that it will happen, but then so far it does and usually the way he plans it.” I tell Satan. 

Satan was kinda my fault, because we fixed Claire up and that meant Joan needed someone to drunkenly bitch too. Unfortunately it had to be when I was trying this new bend thing, which came to me when Marco did the bend swoop, when she barged in Brian’s office.

“So is there some reason you think Brian was a bad thing in the house that Jack Kinney stank in?” I ask her, because I didn’t want to remember her seeing my goodies.

“Why do you keep coming here?” She asks me.

“I figured with Claire getting her kick ass job at Java Alexia, and getting the fuck out of Satan’s lair, you think Brian wants you around, and he doesn’t. So I came to find you new minds to poison because my sex life is definitely something you're trying to turn into a Con. The squad promises to drive you to church and all, if you can like, stay away.” I tell her. Really it’s just sad when she’s drank the bottle I handed her and didn’t figure out it’s just colored water. I’m doing my good deed by not getting her too drunk for her new cult.

“What you and Brian are doing is unnatural.” She tells me. I nod but drive a little faster.

“I know, there’s usually like a waiting time between meeting, dating, LIVING IN SIN, and you know, getting engaged.” I tell her, holding up the ring because she entertains me with the looks she gives it.

“Don’t you care that your soul is at stake?” She asks, as she gulps straight from the bottle. I wonder if the brown dye has flavor?

“Well it’s not like it wasn’t when I decided that men were my thing, I mean, if I’m going to burn in hell, might as well like what I’m doing on the way down. I mean you stayed married, and sorry, but if getting into Heaven means being all you, I’ll take hell over you know, the sanctity of staying married to Jackass.” I tell her, and you know the fact that she doesn’t get confused when I talk makes me wonder if… whatever. I get us to the place Ted told me would probably get Satan her own following.

“Why are we here?” She says looking at rather boring building but I think too much excitement would make them revert.

“This group seems to think you’re right and you know, maybe you are, so why not hang with people who get you.” I tell her. Plus I really think they deserve Satan for poor Emmett’s having had sex with a woman. 

“What is “See the Light”? She asks me.

“Just get out of the car, I’m trying to make you popular.” I tell her. Well either that or have the dipshits that think being gay is something they could change, is just up her alley. I walked in with Satan and get us a tag. I wave at Blake and Daphne, cause they were all excited. My phone went off and I had to not dance to Sexy Back, but I wanted to. 

When the meeting started I could tell Joan was jonesing for another swig of holy water, did I mention that we got the water from her church? When Father Tom caught me, Brian smirked at him and well, he like gave us a flask to put it in, it had like a cross and everything. Joan sat up when they started talking about fucking the gay away, and then seemed to listen to every word, nodding as if God was speaking through the asshole who really shouldn’t have been in the backroom at Babylon last night. I knew if I just found her some place to go, then I could stop the whole orgasm killing she was attempting.

My phone went off and I smiled and got up, because the guy was giving me the “No Phones” look. I went outside and answered my FIANCE.

“Justin is there some reason your not say, AT WORK??!!” He sort of shouted, but well I like when he gets all pissy.

“I’m looking at venues for us to have a party to you know, announce that you tricked me.” I tell him and roll my eyes at the guy who is watching my ass. “HELLO, you're supposed to be watching say, Daphne’s ass.” I tell him and wave at motivational speaker to continue when they all give Biffy the stare down, cause you know he’s supposed to be wanting to hump Daphne not me.

“Why are you with my mother again?” Brian asks, and really, is his sighing necessary, if I’m annoying her, she isn’t annoying him.

“I decided that if I’m doing the whole engaged thing, I’m going to be the best fiance I can be. Did you really want her coming over and killing all chances of ever getting it up again in your office. I didn’t realize when we saved Claire, that Satan would decide to save you.” I tell him.

“Why are you at the rec center on the other side of town?” He asks, and you know, GPS should really be called “Justin Can’t Hide”.

“Because the homosexuals in denial seem to think that if they aren’t like holding meetings in Babylon, like Kenneth did last night, that being straight is easier to lie about.” I tell him, waving when Kenneth seemed to stop trying to tell everyone his ‘how I managed to keep it up with a woman’ story, right, it’s ‘I got it up with Todd and ran to said woman’. 

“So I finished the Leo Brown campaign and decided you can just dock my pay because MY MOM is making me buy pants and stuff.” I tell him.

Daphne and Blake come and we start for the car, apparently ‘find Satan a place other than all my favorite places to get Brian naked’ worked, so now I could get sex again, if I’m engaged I’m getting something out of this. 

“I wonder if Joan will figure out that the club they want to protest in front of is Brian’s?” Blake asks me.

“Kenneth is just doing that, because Brian said trolls need to go to Boy Toy. When he told Brian that I was just a boy toy, I decided to give him Satan.” I tell him. 

“Justin, Brian’s marrying you, so why do you even care what that troll thinks?” Blake tells me.

“I’m engaged, can we just let that be enough, and now that Satan has a following can you help me think of a Con for my daily email to Brian. The last two emails with Pro’s seem to just inflate his already inflated ego.” I tell him.

“CON, MY FIANCE IS GOING TO MAKE ME FIRE HIS ASS FOR NOT COMING TO WORK.” Brain really thinks I care, I never wanted a real job. 

“CON, MY PIMP ACTUALLY EXPECTS MORE THAN SEX. HELLO, I GOT YOU THE LIBERTY AIR ACCOUNT.” I text back, something he didn’t know.

“It would have impressed me more if your mother wasn’t dating the CEO of Liberty Air.” He sends back.

“Yeah, but it’s like fifteen million reasons to love me.” I send him.

“Have I said I love my genius today?” He sends.

“No, but you know, a skunk would be a really great way to show you love me.” I text, hoping that fifteen million will distract him.

“NO!” 

“So you guys want to go to Lorie’s?” I ask, because well, I haven’t shown Lightning my ring, and I know she’s been waiting to find out. I might have been avoiding the whole shopping thing too.