Mel’s POV
I never would have thought the day would come that I would be staying at my cousin Rita’s house kissing her goodnight instead of Lindsay. After all, she never approved of our relationship anyway and said we wouldn’t make it; damn it stings like a bitch to prove her right.
Instead of spending the night making love to my beautiful partner and holding our precious baby boy, I’m burning the midnight oil trying to figure out how to keep her from marrying some snobby french fairy.
There’s only one person to blame for my relationship falling apart like this - Brian Kinney. Lindsay has always had this borderline obsession with that asshole and was over the moon ecstatic that he agreed to be the donor so that we could raise a child together. I figured he would just fulfill his basic duty and go back to his life of sucking and fucking everything that moves within a 5 foot radius and not give us or the child a second thought. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Turns out the self-centered, narcissistic bastard actually loves Gus. He proved it in spades when he failed to keep his promise to sign over his parental rights to me and became the quintessential doting father.
“I changed my mind”
Those four words cut me deeper than any razor’s edge ever could. The selfish fucker knew how important it was for Lindsay and me to have full and equal rights as far as Gus was concerned. That homophobic cunt of a nurse caused a bit of harsh reality to set in; I was a virtual nobody to my own son. So when Lindsay expressed how much she would like to stay at home with Gus for at least his first year, the slight pang of jealousy I’d started to feel grew exponentially thinking about the close bond that they would inevitably share. One that I had no chance in hell of ever achieving, Brian had made damn sure of that.
Lindsay constantly tried to convince me that I was Gus' parent in every way even if I didn’t have the legal documentation to prove it; what a crock of shit that was. I felt like an outsider looking in through the window at what was supposed to be my family...my family not Brian’s. Here I was working my ass off, putting in longer hours to pay the bills and take care of a child that I loved but had no claims to.
Not only was I unable to spend any real quality time with Gus, my darling better half couldn’t stand for me to touch her. She claimed it was because she was tired from taking care of the baby all day, but somehow in the back of mind I know that it had something to do with the dickhead extraordinaire. Fuck, how could a person feel so alone and share the same space with the person who claims to love you? No matter how deep into myself I looked, or from what angle I tried to view the situation, I couldn’t for the life of me find the answer. I tried getting Lindsay to talk to me; to tell me what she was feeling so that we could work our problems out. Needless to say it proved to be useless and I was becoming desperate for a sounding board... enter Maryann McDonald.
Maryann was like a breath of fresh air in that tiny room reeking of oppression and dripping with incessant baby talk. Lindsay and I had planned Frannie’s baby shower months before our partnership started to go to shit and it was the last fucking place on earth I wanted to be.
“Why did we go through with this?”
“We planned this for months. We couldn’t disappoint friends, how would they feel?”
I really didn’t give a fuck how they felt to be quite frank, and Maryann was such a welcome distraction. She seemed to understand exactly what I needed even though we’d only known each other for all of two minutes. Her invitation to step out for a smoke was the best offer I’d had in days….how pathetic right? I mean, I have live in snatch readily accessible 24/7 for Christ sakes; and sharing a fag (no pun intended) with a self-professed career dyke I barely know is the highlight of my day?
There was just something about the nicotine roughened timber of her voice that seduced me. I never planned on seeing her again after the shower, but then Linds and I had a fight and we wound up meeting for a drink at a local bar. It was nice to be the sole focus of someone’s attention for a change. Maryann’s searing wit was refreshing and her raspy laugh was one of her most endearing qualities.
“Well I think that this is fate. Just when you needed someone to tell your troubles to...not that you have to tell me," she said.
As my wine glass was steadily replenished, my inhibitions became increasingly low until they ultimately disappeared altogether. I told her secrets that I’d vowed to never mention or bring back to the forefront of my mind. I talked and she awwwed and comforted me and petted my feelings soothingly.
One thing lead to another and before I could wrap my mind around what was happening, I found myself following her home and falling into her bed. To make matters worse the sex was amazing. Her lips and hands were warm and gentle, gliding over my skin like delicate silk and I drank each touch in greedily unable to quench my thirst in the heat of the moment. Maryann effortlessly mapped out every pleasure point on my body and played me to perfection. When it was over and we were both a sweaty sticky mess, Maryann asked if I was okay.
“I’m fine”
The fuck I was. I felt guilty and disgusted with myself. I felt disgusted because I realized that I’d just taken a page right out of the Brian Fucking Kinney handbook; pain management 101. I disentangled myself from her body, got out of bed, and quickly began to dress.
“Leaving so soon? she asked sleepily. “ You know you’re more than welcome to stay.”
“Thanks but I- I really should be getting home, I don’t want Lindsay to worry.”
I couldn’t get out of her house and into my car fast enough; only able to let out the breath I was holding once I got behind the wheel, turned the ignition, and felt the familiar pulse of the engine beneath me. The novelty of ‘new’ had worn off and all I had were my regrets and a pair of soaked lace panties in the front pocket of my jeans to show for it.
It was late and I figured that Lindsay and Gus had long since bedded down for the night when I returned home. The journey up the stairs to my 'marital' bed seemed excruciatingly long as I tried not to wake Lindsay, I didn't want to have to face the fallout that would surely come as a result of my actions.
I was fully aware that I was taking the coward's way of trying to avoid it, but in the end it didn't matter much. One loud creak of a loose floorboard was all it took to make Lindsay stir and make me freeze in my tracks. She called out to me and the calm demeanor in which she spoke should have put my nerves at ease, but to the contrary I found it to be very disconcerting.
“Where have you been? I was worried...you left so angry.”
Shit, as if I didn’t already feel bad enough, she still had the decency to worry about me. Never once did she even think about accusing me of any wrong doing. *chuckle* I would have felt better had she gotten pissed or thrown things or yelled and screamed or something showing any other emotion besides concern; because I didn’t deserve it.
I slept in the guest room for the next few nights without any explanation, and to my great surprise she never asked for one. During this time Frannie and Zoe had had little Holden and all of our friends were gathered in their hospital room celebrating the special occasion. I walked in and saw Maryann sitting there and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I knew then that it was time I told Lindsay the truth about what I had done; about how I’d betrayed her.
I excused myself to try and get my composure, and of course Lindsay followed me out to make sure I was all right. I couldn’t look her in the eye as I struggled to force myself to tell her.
“Linds...something happened. I- I didn’t mean for it to happen but it did.”
She looked completely devastated once she’d figured out what I was trying to tell her. Lindsay ran away crying and hurt and I’ve never felt more ashamed in my fucking life. When I finally made it back from the hospital, I decided it was best for me to remove myself from the picture to allow Lindsay time to heal and move on. To possibly find someone more deserving of her affection.
“Mel...you don’t have to go”
At the time I really felt like it was the right thing to do, now...I’m not so sure. So here I am at Rita’s weeks later, while Lindsay is preparing her wedding dress and organizing some fake ass ceremony. They’re even going to have their little exchange of vows video taped...you know just in case there’s an evidentiary hearing.
You can bet your ass had I still been there none of this would be happening. But wait...wasn’t it my decision to leave? Wasn’t it me who lied and cheated? Wasn’t it me who said it was for the best? Wasn’t it me who...oh shit!
How was this Brian’s fault again?