There are very few people who can say they know Brian Kinney as well as I do. See, I met my Peter at a frat party while we were in college. I’d just broken up with my girlfriend and needed a distraction, so when my friend Buffy invited me along I figured what the heck! When we arrived and walked in, the first person I saw was this tall, lean, gorgeous brunet with the most beautifully haunting hazel eyes. He cast a smile in my direction. At first I wasn’t even sure he was looking at me - I looked around to see if there was anyone else around, but I didn’t see any other girls nearby. So I turned back towards this adonis and smiled back. And I was immediately pulled under his spell. The fact that I’d always identified myself as a bonafide, card-carrying lesbian, made absolutely no difference whatsoever...that night I wanted cock - in particular, the cock attached to the handsome god with the swarthy smile.
Just about everyone in attendance had partaken in more than their fair share of party favors that night which, Brian had told me later on, was the only reason he allowed me to approach him at all. You can probably guess what happened next; what kept happening until he told me he was gay that is. Yes, we had intercourse a few times, but all good things must come to an end. Thankfully we were able to continue on as friends. I became his Wendy and he became my Peter.
A few weeks later, he introduced me to some other girl he thought would make me happy, but by that time Mel had come into my life - and it was world war fucking three right from the beginning. She felt he was too possessive, arrogant, manipulative, and an all around shithead. At the time I didn’t realize that what drew me to Mel was that she and Brian shared many of the same qualities. She was just as aggressive, driven and goal-oriented as he was. I guess I looked at her as maybe what Brian could be over time; once he was settled in his career and ready to settle down. Or maybe… I think it was that she was someone who LOOKED at me and not THROUGH me for once in my life. My parents were always off jet setting somewhere or another, my sister... well let’s not talk about her.
This latest round of Brian-induced angst in my life revolves around Melanie, Gus and a very small thing called parental rights. Honestly, I understand why Brian is hesitant about giving them up. He loves his son more than he thought he could or would but he still should have kept his promise to Mel and I. He knew that Gus was supposed to be OURS, not HIS and mine. So once again he has put me in the role of the peacekeeping Lesbian in the middle. I can’t deny this fulfills a fantasy I’ve had for years but now my relationship with Mel has been sacrificed on the altar of Brian’s selfishness.
Yet I knew what I was doing and what I wanted. When Melanie tried to tell me having Brian as Gus’ father was a bad idea, I told her it was Brian or no one. With him, I thought I knew what I was getting. Great genes. An intelligent kid. A hardworking and determined offspring. But what I didn’t count on was that with all that, I was also getting a genuinely good person who wouldn’t play dumb and ignorant; someone who wouldn’t roll over and play dead to suit mine or anyone else’s ideals.
Well what’s done is done and I can’t fix it. Brian WON’T so I guess I’ll have to lie in the bed I’ve made myself through stubbornness and hard-won determination. Wait… I just admitted… No, that can’t be right. This HAS to be Brian’s fault because if it isn’t then I just admitted to myself that it’s MINE and that’s just unacceptable. It just has to be his fault… It just has to BE! After all, he….that is if it weren’t for him…..well maybe if he had listened to me when I tried to...
Oh. My. Gosh…..I can’t believe it took me so long to realize that Brian was right. You see, Brian told me once that everyone causes their own pain. That we are ultimately in control of our own destiny. I set out to have the family I wanted with the person I felt was right for me, and all the while I was wishing for something I knew I could never have, and Mel could see it right from the start. So it really isn’t Brian’s fault at all for the way things sometimes turn out with Mel and I. Damn this is a very bitter pill to swallow and I really don’t think I can handle this. When I get home tonight I have a few fences that need to be mended, and a big crow pie that needs to be put in the oven.