JUSTIN 

It itches, being like all normal, itches. I think I'm developing a phobia to normal. It's only the first day. Do you know how hard it was to not put on my monster slippers this morning? I honestly like, squirmed. I had to erase Satan from my contact list because she just brings out the need in me to screw with her day. OH MY GOD, I actually worked a ten hour day, I'm absolutely sure it’s a sign of the four horseman. 

I've spent half the day in the supply closet, counting markers to keep from screaming ‘FREEDOM’ and running to make coffee. Then Emmett shows up telling me that the sperm hunters were after beauty sperm again, I think my tongue is bleeding from using my teeth to stop the “Are the bitches nuts?” from coming out of my mouth. Why did I think this would be funny?

Then Marco had to show up in the standard PJ uniform and I considered gluing myself down, when the urge to run happened again. Let's just say Jasper was my outlet. I wonder if the Ex-lax I covered the cookies with is working, but I can't go see if my idea worked because I'm trying to keep up this like, ‘acting like an adult’ exercise.

I will not break. But now Brian thinks we should go to Babylon, and come on, how do I do the stepford thing when there's so much I could get into there? I really want to get Brandon, but how without blowing my hard work?

See, Brandon seems to think that he's like, better than Brian, but you know there is just no way. He's like the dull copy of the original, and I so wanted to deal with him when I got back, but then Brian had to act all pissy because of my escape from the snake. So I had to call Guido of the unfortunate speedo and tell him to wait on the video of Brandon’s side job. I think if people get to see that he rents his ass out to bridal showers as entertainment, it would entertain us, right?

See, I didn’t get a chance to explain how the whole cliff falling happened, because I figured sexing Brian up might be better than explaining that I ran my ass off a cliff when I was escaping the snake. Then, like people were clapping when I managed not to drown, so I kind of thought I’d do it again with like, acrobatics, and well let's just say I was ‘King of the Cliff’. Which would have been awesome, but like someone mentions their spouse and I realized that I had one of those who might be like, looking for me. So they like show me the easy way back, you know, dive one time and swim to the shore on the other side. I got back and felt the need to do some shots of tequila cause I’d swallowed enough salt already. Which made the whole fire juggling sound like a totally awesome skill to show the guys when I got back. Only like, Brian comes out all sweaty and screaming and well, you can guess my reaction. It was when I was all relaxed that I remembered what he said. Which yeah, I get where he was coming from, but I thought we covered this during my addiction to Adderall.

So here I am, sitting at the bar trying not to run into the crowd and like shake my ass, cause it gets me like laid in the most satisfying ways. When Brandon showed up and like gave me the look, I almost asked if the hot dog in his pocket really outweighed the salami in Brian’s, but it would have caused my good husband routine to change.

To make matters worse, Brian was being all ‘sweet husband’, smiling at all the boring shit I was doing. Then when we came home he like went up stairs and came down in my ‘Kiss It’ pants and kitten slippers. What the hell, he’s the normal one not me.

BRIAN 

I started to see the fun that could be had. So instead of simply explaining to Justin that I was reacting to the three hour tour of the woods, I think it's time to show the twat my idea of how this marriage should work. See, I like that he does the crazy shit in this relationship, it helped to reduce my stress levels. 

Here's my reasoning. My friends do stupid crap all the time, but unlike Justin, there's absolutely no rhyme or reason to what they do. Now I know most people view Justin as simplistic, but really, he thinks up a plan and executes it from start to finish. I was impressed at how he turned my sister from a whining pathetic mess into the soon to be part owner of the coffee shop Alexia opened. Which saved me from numerous phone calls about how life was unfair and that I got all the good shit from Jackass and St Joan. It just made me have to marry him before he took over the world.

So tonight I am going to show Justin exactly why he needs to return to the often confusing bundle of lovable blond that I love and married. So with that thought I went to the bedroom with the idea of showing him how I should never be him. I'm going to admit only to you, that my ass just doesn't do his pants the justice they deserve. The cats all seem to agree, because they look confused, maybe Justin needs to see how our children are taking me dressing down. I ended up having to pick up Regina and Rocky when they seem to be trying to keep the slippers off my feet. Sunny and Ally just hid when I pulled off the Armani, they know things have gotten strange in Justin’s world.

Skipping down the stairs I leaped off the third step and pranced onto the living room. To say that Justin was confused would have been putting it lightly.

“I still have those?” He asks. 

“I know like I thought they like perished but no, I guess it's like when you take my shirts to the cleaners, the ones you like hate seem to disappear, then like reappear like in the back of the closet. I was practically twirling in joy when they were like in the box marked ‘Goodwill’.” I tell him, grinning like a fool.

“But you li… only dress so… well you know.” He stumbled out.

“Yeah, but like look at my ass, it's like telling people what I really wish they would do, but maybe I should call Marco and the squad because I really want to show off my new style. I bet Ben would be like so jealous, cause he really would have liked to be in these at one time, but since he won’t, it could really just be me showing everyone how hot you think I am.” I tell him. I really appreciate the stamina Justin must have to be like this all the time, well usually.

It was the moment I knew he was catching on, because the confusion lifted. Unfortunately my victory was short lived, because he's not an idiot, just acts like it on occasion.

“That's actually a wonderful idea, but I really think you need to learn how to accessorize the pants.” He tells me running to the stairs.

I pulled a Justin then and replayed that sentence in my head and rewound it a dozen times. The king of ‘if it doesn’t stink it’s clean’ is going to teach me how to accessorize? I ran up after him and found him on the floor with the cats pulling a box out of the back of the closet. I know the closet is huge but how did I miss that box?

“These will tell everyone what the pants don’t” Justin tells me handing them to me.

I wanted to ask, but really is it any surprise that he had these? I pulled off the slippers and watched as Regina and Rocky took off with them. I stood with the new items and just couldn’t, somehow this would be posted to God only knows what site if this touched my body. Justin sat with a satisfied victory grin, but you know, I really couldn’t let him win unless I won too.

Dropping the items on the bed I peeled his pants down my legs and made sure when I faced forward that he saw what he could have if he just gave in. He sat there covering Ally and Sunny’s eyes, but I could tell his mind was off in that place it goes. Laying back on the bed skimming my hands down my chest, I waited. 

I heard the cats being locked in my closet not his, and almost leaped up to save my favorite coat, but I knew we were in the middle of a war and I couldn’t show weakness. Justin would find a way to exploit it. So I reached for his favorite toy and stroked it with lube till it glistened, I felt the bed move and Justin crawling up my body, taking my hand away from the strawberry lube he so loves to taste on me. Then as he slurped me down and put his hand out I put it out of his reach and turned him so I could return the favor. As I got Justin to the perfect hardness, he got me ready for him. Then pulled himself from my mouth and turned until he was sitting over me and lowering himself on me. The moan of pleasure was exactly the Justin I knew. It only took minutes before we were flipped so I could thrust faster into him and get the screams that I loved. When I came he shoved me over and impaled me on him and thrust to finish himself off. At the loud scream as he came, we heard a loud scream from the door. Justin fell forward and we both looked over to see no one standing there, but when we looked to the ground, there was Mikey, being fanned by Emmett.

“Um, we kind of thought we could like talk Justin out of his crazy ass stepford plan, but well, since you're kind of in your happy place, maybe later.” Emmett smiles, slowly closing our door.

“I’m so like going to post like flying MM penis pictures all over Liberty Avenue.” Justin tells me.

“Really, you have LIKE pictures?” I ask.

“Yeah, you know like when he was disappointing the masses, when I somehow thought maybe you were like going to kill me and decapitate me?” He sees my confusion. “We are so going to like watch Discovery ID serial killers edition, because you would so see why I thought you might want to do the head in the jar for the cats.” He tells me.

“Why do you watch shit like that? With your imagination it’s no wonder you think everyone wants to kill your ass. Which isn’t anywhere close to the truth. Men see that ass and think like, ‘fuck it’.” I tell him and then groan. “Shit, it only takes minutes for you to turn us, doesn’t it?” I ask as he nods.

“I’m too tired to do normal tonight, but I promise I’ll like be all ready tomorrow. I mean you really have to work at it.” He tells me. “You think we like need to check on MM, he’s been all twitchy since the wedding? I mean I like mentioned that you know, I don’t only bottom, and I swear he was having a heart attack.” He tells me seriously.

I didn’t care, because at that moment I knew he was in there, and most likely going to break free tomorrow when Mel helps me with the breaking of Justin Kinney.