JUSTIN

So I was walking around and saw MM’s store. I almost went in but the Lesbian mafia was hugging MM, and I wasn't going to be attacked for sperm again. I hid around the corner until the giggling women passed my ass by. I mean they've run through the whole group trying to hijack sperm. Last week it was actually me, and I like pointed at my four babies and Gus and told them that was as far as my daddy duties will ever go. I mean like, they’re all potty trained, why would I want to go through that when I don’t have to? It took me the whole week to get them to point the womb in another direction. Hopefully Marco won’t kill my ass.

When they left I ran in and pulled MM into the backroom (His closet of an office, not the BACKROOM).

“So what’s with all the hugging?” I asked, pulling out my stash of goodies. Somehow my Ho-Ho’s keep disappearing from my hiding spot in the den, I suspect, but until I catch Brian, I can’t really say anything.

“You won’t believe it, they want me to be the father. I mean it’s really an honor that they want me.” He tells me.

“Um, you do realize like your the last person they’ve asked right?” I tell him, moaning at the goodness that is Hostess.

“Well of course they asked Brian, and I think they were just fucking with Drew.” He tells me, excited.

“Are you really like thinking about doing this?” I ask. 

“Don’t get jealous because they want me and not you.” MM smirks.

“They’ve asked anybody who has a swimmer, I mean they even started to look at Carl.” I tell him.

“Just because they didn’t want blond boy ass doesn’t mean you should rain on my parade.” He tells me.

“Oh they wanted it, but then they wanted it in a way I was never going to do again.” I tell him, putting down the Ho-Ho, because I didn’t want to revisit it coming up from how I was asked.

“Really and what makes you think that I was the last person on their list?” He asks me.

“Let’s see, was it ‘Michael we decided that you would  give us all the great qualities that we want our next child to have’. ‘Think about how it would feel to know that a life was created because of you’.” I ask.

“No.”

“Well, that was Drew’s speech. How about, ‘Michael having a child will make sure that your line continues? We could even raise it to respect our religion’.” I ask him.

“Mel and Lindsay aren’t Catholic.” He tells me.

“Neither are you, gay boy. Actually I think it was because Mel and Ted are Jewish.” I tell him.

“What does that have to do with anything?” He asks me all confused.

“I’m just telling you what they like tried to trick Ted with.” I tell him, finally able to eat again.

“They asked Ted?” He seemed to be upset that Ted made the top of the list, well, behind Brian and Drew. “Mel probably didn’t want Ted to get his feelings hurt, since they’re friends.” He reasons.

“Maybe, but with Emmett they told him that if it was a girl he could name it after Lulu. I think they seemed to forget Emmett was still all pissy about the ‘Sperm Stalking’ they did to Drew.” I tell him.

“They knew that Emmett wouldn’t do it and were probably just making sure he didn’t think they didn’t want him.” MM is so going to hate the next one. So I pick up his phone and call Ted and ask for Blake’s number, next time I carry my phone, because Ted seems to think I should be at my desk.

“Hey, so MM doesn’t want to believe he isn’t number one on the ‘Sperm List’. What was yours again?” I ask putting him on speaker.

“That my compassion for my patients would translate into being a wonderful father for a child.” Blake tells me, hanging up.

“I tried to like, get them to attack Marco, since he returned the tricking shirt, but I think he’s been hiding, so maybe they skipped him.” I tell him.

“Wait, they said that they really wanted me but didn’t want to ask for fear that I would say no.” MM tells me, not looking too happy.

“I got, that I could have like, a grandchild for my mom. Like that isn’t what Molly’s straight ass is for. I guess they snooped and  found out that I like scored a kick ass score on my SAT’s, so then it was that I could gift the baby with intelligence. I mean, I like kids, they play and everything. Babies seem to just eat, poop, and sleep in spurts. That’s my job.” I tell him.

“They… actually...ASKED...YOU?!” He seems so surprised that they wanted a kid that would be super intelligent. 

I mean, maybe it was like they didn’t want the kid like being smarter than them. MM and Mel would likely produce normal intelligence. You know, like Mel’s IQ in the egg would like drop as MM’s swimmers raided the gates.

“Well really I think they like, asked us all. There was even a sort of list, that named like the reason they would want to ask. They think my shell ears were cute, and like Brian wasn’t really an option unless it was like Lindsay, since they proved that they could produce greatness, with Gus. Although I think they lost Ted with the boring thing, and like Emmett being all flamboyant was a minus. I really think they would have went Zenny but well you know… HIV” I really hate that he has to have things spelled out sometimes, it’s hard to stay focused. “I think you were like somewhere saying you like smiled at the future convict, John.” I tell him.

“JUSTIN, get your ass out here.” Brian yells, and really I left my phone on my desk so he wouldn’t figure out I left.

MM runs out and like leaps into Brian’s arms all acting injured. Brian gave me the “What the Hell have you done now” look. 

“I’m like totally innocent.” I tell him, pulling MM off him when he was hanging on like a spider monkey, hum…

“Whatever animal your mind came up with, the answer is NO.” He tells me, and where is the mystery in this relationship? “It ended when I realized who I married.” He tells me.

“I was just kind of thinking MM reminded me of like, a monkey.” I tell him.

“WHAT!” MM screams, but you know he should learn that if you're going to go for sympathy, you don’t act like an ass two seconds later.

“You were like clinging to him, but well you don't have a tail, so maybe I… never mind.” I tell them.

“Justin, you know that job I pay you so well for, can you maybe like do IT?” He growled.

“I finished that like a hour after you ordered me to. I swear you need to learn to have faith in my ass.” I tell him, and yeah, growling just really does it for me. 

BRIAN 

After last weeks adventure in Justin land, I figured why not have fun. So when Justin thought he’d snuck out, which isn’t possible now that my employees make bets on what he’s up to, I followed. When he didn’t go to either coffee shop, I’ll admit I really thought he was going to fuck with Joanie, but he got to Michael’s store and then hid. So I waited to see why. Which became obvious when Mel and Lindsay came out. Justin hasn’t learned the art of telling people to fuck off yet. When they left I snuck in, and the twat is hiding his fat inducers here? 

“What about me?” MM asks.

“You could draw a straight line, so what about you?” I ask.  

“I've been tricked.” He tells us. 

“Man, tell me they didn’t like try to get you to take one for the baby.” Justin is still not over that one.

“What?” Mikey asks him.

“Mel and Lindsay tried to say they could even like do it all natural if I wanted, because somehow they seem to think that it would make it feel all real.” Justin shivers.

“OH. MY. GOD., they said that I should just jerk off, but they want you to sex them up?” Mikey stares at Justin.

“Well um yeah, I’m like, hot.” Justin tells him, pulling me out the door.

JUSTIN

You would think the world like ended when MM figured out that they even asked Todd. I mean he’s the only one they probably thought would say yes, but wanted to at least attempt to get better sperm. So the week was filled with MM running to and fro stopping every guy on Liberty Avenue to see if they had made the list. I might have accidentally made like copies of the list and posted them everywhere, it’s just fun to watch MM rip them down. I mean it’s not like they meant mensch in a bad way, well really, is there anyway to take that that isn’t bad?

So the entire week was MM complaining to anyone that he should have been first. The EMT’s who were dealing with a car accident outside the diner, looked at him as if maybe a straight jacket should be in his future. The hustlers tried to mug him. And the cop giving him the ticket arrested him when he wouldn’t shut up. Carl had them put MM in the interrogation room when the biker gang tried to muffle him. 

In the end, he agreed. So now we are all taking bets on if he can like get the donation, because apparently sitting his ass in the clinic, caused all sorts of performance anxiety. Then like Ben did like a sexy striptease on the stage of Babylon but like it just caused MM to drag him out and lecture him. It really should have changed Mel’s mind when we all found out that Captain Astro saved the day. Really, when did comic’s become porn?