JUSTIN STAYS AT WORK 

I look over at the clock and just ten more minutes and my ass is out of here. I will never get the whole sitting at a desk when I finished like, everything, two hours after getting here. Brian gave me this whole speech about making sure the employees work instead of placing bets. What that has to do with anything is beyond me. I tap my Chewbacca slipper and try to decide if ten minutes really matters, I mean, I survived nine hours and fifty minutes, mostly by drawing variations of what a kid would look like coming from MM and Mel. I have to admit that if I chose which features the baby had, then baby would be like a short runway model, because two short people don’t make for a tall baby.

Five more minutes…

Four…

Three…

“Justin are you ready?” Brian interrupts, and I ignore.

Two…

“When I said staying at work, I meant more than your standard two hours before someone is awake enough to run off with you.” He tells me. 

One…

“I'm trying here.” I tell him, watching the second hand on my Powerpuff girls clock.

And done.

I get up run out to his car, because it’s not my desk. Brian follows behind me and then pulls me from the driver’s side and sticks me in the passenger side of the car. He really has to be the one controlling like, everything. I mean I stayed, that should count for something.

“Now that it’s ten at night, do you want to go to Babylon or home?” He asks me.

“I stayed ten hours, you should be happy.” I tell him.

“I was hoping that it meant eight to six, not noon till ten.” He tells me.

“Hey, you said ten hours, never which ten.” It tell him.

JUSTIN BABYSITS GUS

When my phone rang I thumbs up the guys and then answered.

“Justin, why are you watching Gus?” Brian asks me.

“Cause like, Mel and Lindsay wanted to go to some lesbian spa weekend.” I tell him.

“I called the house and you aren’t there, why not?” He asks me.

“Well with you out of town, I thought Gus and I could stay at the loft, but then like there isn’t anything to entertain a kid with there.” I tell him, smiling as I snap pictures with my camera.

“Justin, do you know that the camera I bought you uploads straight into your Facebook account?” He asks me.

“No, why?” I ask, suddenly worried.

“Well, because your girl squad made it so we all get notifications when something posts to your account. You know, like the pictures of my son parasailing, on… the Disney Cruise!!! I’m going to beat your ass…” I hung up, and figured we had like a week until Brian calms down.

JUSTIN SAVES THE DAY

“Brian is going to kill you.” MM tells me.

“I just couldn’t let them do it.” I protest.

“I'm still trying to figure out how you convinced me to help you.” MM needs to realize he has no life.

“They were going to dye them, it's just wrong.” I tell him. 

“It's Easter, that's kinda the point.” He tells me. 

“Hello? These are chicks, not eggs.” I tell him, running away from Gus’s teacher.

BRIAN GETS A PET

“Um, like why did you get that giant aquarium?” Justin asks. 

“I felt the need to get a pet of my own.” I tell him. 

“You know, fish are great.” He tells me.  

“Are they?” I tell him adding the branches.

I finished smiling at Justin who keeps looking at the box on the floor.

“So, did you like, get a monkey?” He asks inspecting the box.

“No that would have made you happy.” I tell him.

“Are you still mad about the chickens? I've kept them outside.” He asks, scratching his head.

“I found a reason to have them.” I tell him, pulling Monty out of the bag. You know, Justin should try out for the Olympics. 

JUSTIN MEETS WITH SATAN

“Why are you asking for my keys?” Satan asks.

“I got you a present, it's for those nights when you miss Jackass.” I tell her as I snatched them and get back in the moving van.

“I don’t get why you always make me do all the hard stuff.” MM whines.

“I got you help.” I tell him, smiling at the biker gang.

“Hey, where's Monty?” MM asks.

The screaming kinda gave it away. I watch as the Boa slithers down the street. I push MM and the tank back in.

“So like we can get fish.” I tell MM, running into the van.

ALLY ISN’T FAT

“Justin, maybe put Ally on a diet.” Emmett tells me as Ally lays on the floor in front of us.

“I just don’t get it, she was like running all over the place then, now she barely moves.” I tell him.

“Maybe after last month's escape from the mansion, she’s still tired.” MM tells us.

I look over at Ally who like starts panting and then we stare at the blob that came out. 

“Gross, don’t eat that.” MM tells her.

“Um Justin, isn’t that the rug Brian like, paid a mint for?” Emmett asks us as the stuff in the blob starts leaking on it.

“Hey, it’s a kitten.” MM tells us.

“SOMEONE VIOLATED MY BABY!”  I wail.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ON MY RUG?” Brian wails.

JUSTIN TAKES APPLICATIONS

“Why are they having to write essays?” Blake asks.

“I will not let Blossom, Bubbles, or Buttercup go to people who can’t read or write.” I tell him.

“You know that Brian said they have to go tomorrow.” Emmett tells me.

“He like said that for the last three months, I’m not taking him seriously.” I tell them, taking family portraits for the mantel.

“Satan might be getting kittens.” Brian texts.

“Emmett pick three essays at random, my kittens are not going to hell.” I tell him as I gather them and run to the car.

JUSTIN DECIDES HE ISN’T BIRTHING BABIES

“Mel why are we going out to this farm?” I ask as I drive her.

“I like the butter, it’s all natural.” She tells me.

“You know like all of it will kill you, so why not go for the one closer to Pittsburgh.” I tell her thinking we are definitely lost.

“I WANT THE ONE FROM THE FARM.” She screams like a demon.

“You don’t have to yell it, I can like, hear.” I tell her.

“FUCK, we need to get back to Pittsburghhhhhh…” 

“Well, we would if I had a clue where we like, actually are.” I tell her, annoyed at all the yelling.

“Oh God.” She pants at me.

“Brian likes it when I say that, but you know, not sounding like I’m in pain.” I tell her.

“My water broke.” She screeches at me.

“I like, bought a wet vac, so no problemo.” I tell her.

“Justin, I’M HAVING A BABY!” She really could like, say it normal, my ear is ringing.

“Well yeah, I remember.” I tell her, seeing the same squirrel in the tree I think we like passed three times now.

“I mean I’m having one NOW.”  She tells me.

“NO YOU”RE NOT, because I didn’t sign up for this.” I tell her, pulling over to call Brian.

“Hey, I have to get back to you, Mikey’s having a fit because Mel disappeared.” He tells me.

“Brian, you know how you like told me that you were going to trust me and not like GPS me anymore?” I ask, eyeing Mel holding her stomach.

“I want fucking drugs.” She yells.

“Yes? And is that Mel?” He asks me.

“GPS. NOW PLEASE, because I am not birthing MM’s creation.” I tell him, hanging up.

“Justin, find me something to knock me the fuck out.” She screeches.

I look up to see a guy like driving a tractor down the road. I’ve always wanted to do that, I wonder if he’d like, let me. I wave him down.

“Can I help you?” He asks, looking when Mel screamed, Oh yeah, guess I need to deal with that first.

“We like, need a hospital, but I really want to drive this sucker.” I tell him.

“Justin I think the head is coming out.” Mel screams.

“Well son, there isn’t a hospital for forty miles, so we might have to help your little lady out.” He tells me.

“You're a doctor and a farmer, that’s like, kick ass.” I tell him.

“Just a farmer, but I figure pulling one out is like pulling a calf.” He tells me.

“Yeah, but don’t say that to her.” I tell him quietly.

“Justin get your ass over here and help me.” She yells.

“NO, not going to happen, I didn’t knock her ass up, but you know, don’t let that stop you from helping her. Can I sit on it?” I ask the farmer and then point to the tractor when he gives me a look.

So Brian and MM pulled up while I was mowing the field besides me. I jump off and run to them.

“Get up on the roof, I decided to memorialize this day.” I tell them climbing on top of my car.

“IT’S A GIRL” was written.

“Justin, shouldn’t you have turned the tractor off?” Brian asks.

“Oh, you think it will run out of gas?” I ask, as it keeps heading to the woods.