Chapter Three: Christmas Present

Brian awoke once again in his bed. He stared up at his ceiling and groaned. He was never taking anything from Anita again; he’d find another dealer. This night had to be the residual effects of some bad shit she gave him. He never once considered that any of it was real.

The loft was dark except for the twinkling lights of a Christmas tree. Where the fuck did that come from? Brian wondered. The tree was huge and, standing in the center of the loft, it was impossible to miss. There were decorations all over it and Brian couldn't help walking closer to see what they were. They looked like ordinary silver Christmas balls but as he neared, he noted that they didn't reflect him or the loft around him. Each silver ball showed other people, other places, all celebrating Christmas. Most were happy scenes, but there were some that showed anger or grief. As he stared at one, it shifted from one scene to another and then shifted again for a third time. And there seemed to be thousands of them.

“They are amazing, aren't they?” A loud and booming voice said, startling Brian into almost dropping the ball he was examining.

Brian turned to see a huge bear of a man decked out in red and green velvet robes, trimmed with white fur that Brian suspected to be ermine. He looked like a cross between royalty and one of Emmett’s worst fashion disasters. Brian grimaced at the sight.

“Don’t like the robes?” the man asked. He waved his hand and the robes melted into a pair of jeans and a red and green plaid flannel shirt. He now looked like a lumberjack, but at least it wasn't quite as bad as before.

“You must be the spirit of Christmas present,” Brian drawled.

“That I am,” the big guy laughed. He looked around the loft. “But you can just call me Chris. Nice place you have here, but it could do with a little holiday spirit.”

With another wave of his hand, Brian’s loft was filled with Christmas decorations. There were fresh green boughs strung with lights everywhere. There was an elegant centerpiece on his table with candles and more greens. Everything had elegant little red bows and silver ornaments to match the tree that still took up the bulk of his floor space. There was even a stocking hung by a gas fireplace that had never been there before.

“That’s much better.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “Can we just get on with the tour?”

“Certainly!” Chris chuckled and it seemed to reverberate through the loft. “Take my arm and we’ll be off.”

Brian did as instructed and soon they were flashing through time and space once again. Though since they weren't going very far or very long, the trip was a lot shorter than it had been with the last guy. Soon they arrived at a familiar house and Brian warily followed the spirit inside.

The living room at the munchers was a total disaster zone. There was torn wrapping paper, toys and presents all over the place. As they entered, however, there were squeals of delight and laughter ringing through the house. Gus and JR seemed to be having the time of their young lives while Melanie and Lindsay watched with indulgent smiles. Brian stood back and watched the scene unfold for quite some time.

In some ways, Brian was envious of the childhood his son was having. It was so different to the one that he had gone through. There might be the occasional fight between the munchers, but they were good mothers. They would never lash out at Gus or hit him. They would never ignore him in favor of their addictions. He would never have to worry about being loved or knowing how to love because this house was filled with it.

Brian watched as Gus crawled into his mom’s lap while Mel and JR went to the kitchen to get ready for breakfast.

“What’s the matter, Gus?” Lindsay asked a suddenly subdued Gus.

Gus shrugged but it was obvious that he was sad. “I made a present for Daddy, but he’s not here. I kept wishing and hoping that he’d come. Christmas is such a happy time and Daddy’s never really happy. I thought if he came today, he’d be happier. I even asked Santa if he could make Daddy come, but he’s not here. I guess Jimmy was right and there really isn't a Santa.”

“Jimmy wasn't right,” Lindsay said. “It just sometimes takes Santa longer to make some wishes come true and sometimes we have to give him a hand. Your Daddy loves you, but he wasn't as lucky as you are. He didn't grow up with all the love and happiness we have, so he doesn't know how to feel those things. But if we keep on loving him and showing him, he’ll get it eventually.”

There were tears in both mother and son’s eyes as the scene faded and they were once again traveling. Brian was filled with remorse. How could he have hurt his son like that and never even known it?

They arrived at the Novotny house and it looked almost exactly the same as it had when Brian was a teen. There was something comforting about that even if the decorations were tackier than a velvet Elvis painting. Brian followed the ghost inside once again. The whole gang was there, eating (of course), laughing, and generally just enjoying the day. Brian watched in fascination as his friends—his surrogate family—celebrated the holiday without him. Eventually, JR and Gus fell asleep and were put to bed in Mikey’s old room. When Debbie passed around the eggnog for the traditional round of toasts, Brian sat up and paid attention.

“To family, in whatever shape it may take,” Carl said before kissing Debbie’s cheek.

“To family,” everyone echoed before sipping from their glasses and mugs.

“May the next year be as filled with love and laughter as the last,” Emmett said.

Again the gang all echoed his sentiment and sipped their drinks. One by one each of the family members made a toast and Brian had to shake his head at the sentimentality of the moment. Brian would have been making snarky comments if he had been there in person, keeping the sentimentality in check, but in his current situation, he had no choice but to listen and observe. Brian found himself laughing along with the family at some of the sillier toasts and even tearing up a little bit at some of the more emotional. And then it came Mel’s turn.

“To Brian Kinney, our own personal Scrooge, wherever he may be tonight.”

“Mel,” Lindsay scolded softly.

Debbie shook her head sadly. “I just wish he would come around more. It seems like he’s been pulling further and further away since…”

“Since that twink left,” Michael filled in. “It’s that blond twink’s fault.”

“Bullshit,” Debbie said. “The only time Brian willingly participated in any holiday with this family was when Justin was here.”

“Whatever happened to him?” Emmett asked. “I mean, I know he got that scholarship but…”

Debbie shrugged. “Jennifer said he did very well with school, but he’s… he’s not the same boy who left here four years ago. He graduated a year early, pushed himself to the point of exhaustion to do it. And he still finished at the top of his class. He’s spent the last year building up his reputation in Europe and recently moved back to the states. She didn't say where he was living though.”

“I've read a little bit about his work in the art journals,” Lindsay said. “He’s extremely talented and his work is already demanding a huge price. His gallery sales go for upwards of eight thousand dollars apiece. One painting went for more than thirty grand at auction. And he’s been doing some sculpting as well. That goes for even higher fees, since there a fewer pieces on the market.”

“Well, at least he’s made something of himself,” Ted said. “If he had stayed here, he might have wasted his life following after Brian, waiting for the impossible to happen. Brian was never going to love that kid.”

“Bullshit,” Debbie said again. “Brian already loved that kid. That’s why he let him go.”

The room erupted into a heated debate as to Brian’s ability to love and the likelihood that he had loved Justin. Brian shook his head at their antics and hoped that they would leave soon. It was bad enough that he knew that he had loved the kid, but to listen to the family talk about it made his head hurt. He knew he had hurt Justin often during their brief affair. He knew that he was not good for the kid, but to hear his friends and family confirm that… well, it hurt.

“Maybe Justin was good for Brian, but there is no way that Brian was anything but a detriment to Justin,” Melanie said.

Brian wanted to defend himself, if for no other reason than to piss off Melanie, but he couldn't.

“Brian took the twink in when his dad threw him out,” Michael pointed out.

“Brian caused him to get thrown out in the first place,” Mel argued.

“No he didn't,” Debbie said with a frown. “I talked to Jennifer about all of that. Craig hit Justin when he came out to his father. And Brian tried to help him settle things with his father. He encouraged Justin to work things out. But Craig said that the only way Justin could move home was if Justin denied being gay. So Brian brought Justin to live here, though I think he lived more with Brian than he did with Vic and me.”

“That’s not true,” Michael said. “Brian…”

“It’s true,” Lindsay said. “Justin was always there whenever I dropped in or dropped Gus off. Justin loved spending time with Gus.”

“When Justin was going to give in to his father and go to Dartmouth, Brian is the one who convinced him that his parents’ divorce wasn't his fault,” Debbie continued. “And he helped Justin get his application for PIFA together. He made sure that Justin continued with his art lessons even though his father refused to pay for them any longer. He even put Justin on his insurance so that he could keep getting his allergy medications. Brian did a lot for Justin without anyone ever knowing it.”

Brian shook his head in defeat. He wished that Debbie would just shut up.

“Brian does a lot for all of us without anyone ever knowing it,” Debbie continued. “Lindsay, Melanie, how often has Brian given you money for Gus and JR? How often has he made sure that things just go smoothly when you need something? Like when you wanted Gus to get into that preschool. Brian went behind the scenes and pulled strings so that he got in.”

“He got Michael the loan for the comic book store,” Ted said.

Michael looked at Ted with shock. “I got that from the bank.”

“He made sure your application was accepted,” Ted said. “And he guaranteed the loan.”

“He also gave you the comic book you sold for the down payment,” Debbie reminded him.

“He hired me when no one else would,” Ted added. “After rehab, no one would touch me, but Brian trusted me and put me to work. His faith in me did more for my shattered self-esteem than a year of therapy could.”

“He’s always making anonymous donations to the causes he derides,” Lindsay said. “I see the books at the GLC. He’s given a rather large donation to them every year. He also sponsors events, like that Gay Marriage Gala last fall.”

“He’s always sending clients my way,” Emmett said.

“So he’s a prick in public and a saint in private?” Mel asked incredulously.

“No, he’s just afraid to show that he cares,” Lindsay said quietly.

The spirit touched Brian’s shoulder. He was not smiling or laughing now. Brian sighed and took the man’s arm again. The room faded and Brian felt himself moving once more.

They arrived moments later at a gated house in the country somewhere. It had been night time when they left Debbie’s but it was now daylight again, around noon if Brian judged the sun's position correctly. The property where they had landed was surrounded by woods and a large stone fence with an iron gate. The spirit led Brian up the long drive in silence.

“Is this where Justin lives?” Brian asked. He hoped it was. He wanted to see the young man again, even if he couldn't speak to him or touch him.

“It is,” the spirit agreed.

“Where are we?” Brian asked.

“About twenty miles outside of Pittsburgh,” the spirit told him.

“Justin is living here?” Brian asked. “Just outside of Pittsburgh?”

“That’s what I said,” the spirit said with a smirk.

Brian followed the spirit into a rather spacious old Victorian house. It wasn't a mansion by any means, but there was plenty of room from what Brian could see. The house was rather well furnished with an eclectic but stylish array of furniture. Brian could see himself living in a place like this someday. It was much nicer than any home he had ever lived. It was even nicer than the loft.

“He bought this outright with the earnings from his art,” the spirit told Brian.

Brian nodded, pleased that Justin had done so well for himself. He looked around but there was no sign of Justin in the main part of the house. He followed the spirit through the house and out the back door. There was a deck and a pool in the back, but they passed that quickly and moved towards the detached garage. Up the stairs, there was another door through which they passed before finally found Justin in a perfectly lit studio.

He wasn't alone. There was a man with dark hair, a goatee and an almost too skinny body arguing with Justin.

“Fuck, Justin,” the man said. “It’s fucking Christmas. Can’t you stop painting for a few hours and celebrate with me?”

“I told you, Ethan, I don’t do holidays,” Justin said coolly. “Go away and let me work.”

“But Justin,” Ethan whined. “You never go out. We never go dancing or to a bar. You work all the time. I thought we could spend some time together now. Instead, it’s worse than in Paris. Come on, it’s Christmas. I don’t want to celebrate by myself.”

“Jesus, Ethan,” Justin swore and tossed aside his paint brush before storming over to the work sink. “I never asked you to come here with me. In fact, I’m pretty sure I told you to stay in Paris. I told you to take that offer from the French orchestra.”

“But I would have been travelling all the time,” Ethan said. “We never would have seen each other.”

“Exactly,” Justin muttered before turning to face Ethan. “Listen, it’s been fun and all, but I think you forgot that I don’t do boyfriends. I’m not interested in setting up house and pretending to be just like the hetero couples you see on TV. That’s bullshit. I would think you would know that by now.”

“Justin, I love you,” Ethan said.

“No, you don’t,” Justin told him. “You love your music and you love your adoring fans. You don’t love me. And I certainly don’t love you. Go back home Ethan. I’m done.”

“You don’t mean that,” Ethan said.

“I do,” Justin said. “There’s an open ended ticket with your name on it on my desk in the study. Take it. Go wherever the fuck you want to go, but go today. Feel free to use the credit card I gave you, but I’ll be closing that account in two weeks. Make sure you can pay your way by then.”

“Justin…”

“Get out!” Justin shouted.

Ethan stared at him for a long minute before turning and walking out the door Brian and the spirit had just come through. Justin stood stone still for a couple minutes until the steps of the other man could no longer be heard in the distance.

Justin sighed and his shoulders slumped. “Happy Brian? You taught me well.”

Brian was startled when Justin spoke to him, but he soon realized that Justin couldn't really see him. He was just speaking his thoughts aloud.

“No emotional attachments,” Justin said. “Maybe I should take up your one time only rule. It would avoid scenes like this one. But then again, it’s tough getting that kind of volume without becoming a regular on Liberty. I wonder what you would say if we met up at Babylon some night.”

Justin sighed again and began cleaning his brushes. “You said you wanted me to remember my first time, so that you would be with me every time, no matter who I was with in the future. Well, you got your wish. There isn't a single fuck in four years that I didn't wish was you.

“I tried to move on. I tried to hate you, but it never stuck,” Justin sighed. “I could go anywhere in the world, and where do I decide to go? Pittsburgh. I’m such a fucking twat. I have to be near you even if I can never see you. Why the fuck is that?”

“I’m sorry,” Brian said softly as he stood beside Justin. He wanted to wipe the tears from his eyes, but he couldn't. “I never meant for you to become like me. I thought… You’re too good for this. You’re better than that. You deserve the white picket fence dream, Justin. You deserve love.”

“I thought my father loved me, but it was a lie,” Justin said as he moved over to the windows that overlooked the snow covered garden. “I thought that Brian loved me but that was a lie too. Ethan says he loves me but he fucks around behind my back. He says he wants a monogamous relationship but he cheats every time he’s away from me for more than an hour. Love is nothing but bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit,” Brian said. “I loved you, I just… I fucked up. Don’t give up on love because I’m an emotionally stunted prick.”

Justin sighed again and went back to his painting. Brian, for the first time, saw what he was creating. It was a picture of the loft, empty and desolate, much like it had been that Christmas when Brian had left Justin with only a note. Brian shivered with dread as the room went dark and he knew that his time in the present had ended.