Impossible by starlight


Lindsay came home, slamming doors and waking up the whole house. I ran to Gus, who came out of his room scared.

“It’s just Mommy, go back to bed.” I tell him.

“Why is she doing that?” Gus asks.

“I don’t know, but I’ll get her to stop.” I tell him, sending him back to bed.

I walked down the stairs, just tired of all of it. Nothing else matters to Lindsay when Brian appears. I rubbed my small bump, wondering if this was the life Gus and this child needed. The answer just kept coming up no. If only we had made Michael sign away his rights, I could walk away from all of this, but Lindsay insisted that Michael was a better choice than Ted, when I suggested asking Ted. I wonder how they are all going to feel when they find out the truth.

“Lindsay, you're waking up Gus.” I tell her, when she slammed the refrigerator shut.

“Brian is crazy if he thinks anyone would give Gus to him, with his past. He’s about to find out what we allowed him to have was more than he will ever get if he tries to sue us for custody.” She rants.

“That's where you went, to Brian’s?” I ask.

“I wanted him to understand the conditions he must follow if he wants to see Gus.” She tells me.

“We are better off leaving things the way they are. Do you not realize the position we'll be in if he comes at us for custody. He might have signed the paperwork but it's almost useless because you expected him to still be involved in Gus’s life.” I tell her.

“What are you talking about, he signed away all his rights.” She tells me.

“Under duress. He was worried about losing his son when you and that idiot thought it would be wise to involve Gus in a felony. No judge is going to care if Brian sleeps with all of North America, as long as Gus isn’t exposed to his tricking, it doesn’t matter. You bring up his past and the fact that you registered to get married will come up. You’ll face charges for attempting to defraud the government, and Brian will sound like a loving father saving his son from being involved in your schemes. To make matters worse, we never went through with the adoption. I told you we needed to do that, but you thought all we needed was the legal rights. By Gus not being adopted it opens up the chance that the biological parent can come back and ask for his rights to be reinstated. I kept telling you that we needed to do it to keep something like this from happening. By the way, when I told you to stop asking Brian for money, it wasn’t because of pride, but because he had every check listed as child support and made us file it that way.” I tell her.

“It shouldn’t matter, we raised Gus not him.” She tells me stubbornly.

“Lindsay all those trips you took to take Gus to see Brian, Brian paid for, to insure Gus could visit him. You left Gus in Brian’s care, which shows, regardless of his past you didn’t feel this made him unsafe for Gus to be around. Everything you did would show that you still viewed him as one of Gus’s parents. If he sues for custody, he will win.” I tell her.

“Why didn’t you tell me this?” She asks me.

“The same reason I didn’t tell you a lot of things. I wanted to make it easier for me to get away from you. I was making sure that when I finally left you, Gus would be taken care of. Brian was smart enough to make sure he kept his rights, I just made it easier for him.” I tell her, smiling for the first time in years.

“I made sure you’d always suffer with Michael and Deb.” She smirks.

“I doubt that will be a problem since you and Michael didn’t bother to come to the clinic. Michael isn’t the father. I wouldn’t let my child deal with those two if I could help it, and was very happy when you two didn’t show up. In fact now that Brian is willing to take Gus from you, I’m free of this miserable life.” I tell her.

“I don’t understand, what do you mean Michael isn’t the father? ” She asks me.

“I had them use the sample I wanted, and destroy all of Michael’s dreams of being a father. I wouldn’t let my child have Deb as a grandmother. I let you all believe what you wanted because I never planned to share my child. It was a way to say fuck you to the two of you and Deb, with the never ending advice on how she raised that whining piece of shit. I guess I just get to tell them sooner.” I tell her.

“I hope you have some place to go, because I want you out.” She sneers.

“I don’t have to go anywhere, but you will. I own this house, not you.” I tell her.

“We’re married you can’t get rid of me that easily.” She tells me.

“Once again I want to hit myself for staying with a woman as stupid as you. Commitment ceremonies mean absolutely nothing, without actually getting married. We filed domestic partnership but those were only for insurance and easily dissolved because we never went for the whole package. Have fun fighting Brian, I’ll be the bitch testifying for him. I’ll give you a week to find a new place to live, and until you have a place, I’m going to enforce my rights to Gus by not letting you take him when you're penniless. Really, you just couldn’t help making sure you lost everything.” I tell her.

“You haven’t won yet.” She tells me, leaving the house.

“I have, but then you’ll figure it out when everything falls apart.” I tell her.

“You won’t be winning anything with Brian either. All he ever saw you as was the bitch who didn’t want him to be the father of his child.” She tells me.

“I never really cared what Brian thought of me. That was something you and Michael needed, not me. Brian proved to me that he loves Gus, and that’s what mattered to me. I know he’ll give Gus what he needs, a real family that loves him.” I tell her.

“It proves to me you don’t know Brian as well as you think you do. He never loved Justin.” She tells me, grabbing her coat.

“You can tell yourself that if it helps you. What I saw all those years ago and what I saw in his eyes earlier tells me a different story.” I tell her.

“Justin was never more than the guy he fucked when he was to lazy to trick.” She tells me opening the door.

“Justin was the person Brian did everything for that he said he would never do.” I tell her.


After Lindsay left, Brian locked the loft with a bar to stop anyone with a key.

“After tomorrow no one I don’t want coming here will get in. I was planning on having the lock and codes changed, but meeting Hannah came first.” He tells me.

“Why do they still have keys?” I ask him.

“When I left, I planned to sell it. Then when an offer came in, I couldn’t sell it, which didn’t make a lot of sense when I wouldn’t come here.” He tells me.

“You didn’t visit at all?” I ask.

“I didn’t want to be in a place where your ghost was haunting every inch of the space.” He tells me.

I walked up to him and put his hands on my chest and face. “I’m solid, not a ghost.” I tell him.

He put his hands on my face and leaned down to kiss my forehead, nose, and then lips. Then our hands were busy getting rid of everything that separated our skin from touching each other. He led me to the shower, where most of our mornings were frantic before we had to go back to the world outside of the loft. I sniffed the soap that he still used and washed his chest and then went around to wash his back and down his body to his feet. I came back around kissing and licking the skin as the soap washed down his body. He kissed me as he took the soap and washed me. He stopped at my stomach and held his large hand over it for a second before continuing until I was clean.

“We’re brand new.” I tell him.

He turned me around and went to his knees, spreading me open for his mouth, before nipping and sucking, driving me crazy. When his fingers teased me and then began entering me, I hissed at the burn, but moaned at the way he still knew how to touch me. Standing, he grabbed a condom while working his fingers to keep me open and then it was what I still dreamed about, as he entered me in a long thrust and wrapped his arms around me as we moved together. It didn’t take long for me to cum and when I did he put his hand to his mouth and tasted me before kissing me. His movements became more about reaching his climax and I helped by moving in the way we used to together. His head leaned into mine as he thrust again and again, then he stayed still inside me, holding me as he finished.

“It was always everything I wanted, and more.” He whispered.

“Always was and always will be.” I whispered back.

In bed, we continued as if the eight years didn’t happen, and by the third time, I couldn’t move anymore. I looked over at Brian who was laying with his eyes closed and laid my ear to hear his rapidly beating heart. A couple minutes later I heard the soft wheezing he made in his sleep and moved to my pillow, only to have his hands pull me back to his chest.

“I’ll guard you while you rest.” I whispered, kissing his chest one more time.

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