BRIAN

I opened the refrigerator door, closed it, and then reopened it, just to make sure some bad E wasn’t coming back to haunt me. Justin came in, seeing me open the door and close it, only to reopen it again.

“Brian, what are you doing?” He asks when I shook my head at what was in there.

“Is there some reason there are live snails in the refrigerator?” I ask.

“You're kidding, aren’t you?” He asks, looking in there.

We looked at the jar with five or six of them making their way out the top of the jar.

“Nathan, can you come in the kitchen,” I yell.

“Yes, Daddy.” My demon child asks.

“Did you put something in the refrigerator?” I ask him.

“Why?” He asks, all innocent.

“Just wondering why there are snails in the refrigerator, trying to escape,” I tell him.

“Oh. Well, Uncle Emmy said his family likes to eat anything they can catch, so I caught some to help him. I almost got enough.” He tells me.

“Where did you get them?” I ask.

“In the neighbor’s pond, Ms Shelly said I could take them.” He tells me.

“Son, I think Emmett was just saying his family liked to catch fish or hunt,” I tell him.

“I got fishes too.” He tells us.

“There are only snails in the refrigerator Nathan, not fish,” I tell him.

“I put the fish in the tub. They wouldn’t fit in the jar. I caught too many snails.” He tells me smiling.

I turned and started looking because there weren’t that many snails and I realized we had escapees everywhere. Justin ran to the bathroom and groaned. I’m sure we owe Ms. Shelly a few koi.

EMMETT

Renny and I were working on the seating chart for the wedding, I decided against renting a hall when my family said they were coming. Renny and I managed to find a large tent that could be put in the backyard. I also decided to do a buffet style dinner instead of having waiters. Alex and the rest of the guys didn’t understand my family. I know I tend to exaggerate, but really I had to have something to laugh about since my family tends to be a redneck assholes. Which really, it just puzzled me that my older brother Jasper decided he wanted to see me get hitched. He really said hitched.

I got up to get a drink and answered my door when someone knocked, and there stood Jasper with a young guy, who looked enough like Jasper to be his, or really, anyone’s in my family.

“Hey, we came early to see if y’all needed help. Howie here needed to hide for a day or two, jus til his girlfriend's father don’t wanna shoot his ass.” Jasper tells me.

I looked at Howie, who was way too young to be doing anything that would have his ass shot. “Jasper, I don’t need people shooting at my wedding,” I tell him, not really surprised by it.

“Em, her father ain’t gonna look here for the boy, and really, it’s not like he did anything you wouldn’t understand.” He tells me.

“I’ve never, ever, wanted to knock a girl up,” I tell him.

“Neither does Howie, but ya see, Franny seems ta think she needed knockin’ up, and Howie seems ta think he likes Franny’s brother more. I guess you could say Franny’s dad wasn’t as alternative as I like to think I am. I mean, I figured you bein’, you know, would help a fellow, ya know.” He tells me.

“I’m gay Dad, not ‘You Know’. I swear if you want to be all alternative than learn to use the word. Also while I’m on this subject, Uncle Emmett couldn’t have made me, YOU KNOW, by being related to us.” Howie tells him, shaking his head.

“I didn’t say he made you… well, you know. I was just saying that until Emmett, we never had a… you know in the family.” He tells Howie.

“He calls that acceptance,” Howie tells me.

“When is everyone else coming?” I ask, not ready for any more of this.

“Sue Ellen, Howie’s mom, is trying to trick Franny’s dad, Bobby Joe, into thinkin’ that we went ta Alabama, so she took everyone with her. I think they stopped off in Nashville to visit the King first.” He tells me.

“Which means what, as to their arrival?” I ask.  

“Well, if they can keep my newest from popping out, they might be here on time. If not, Sue Ellen will help Elle deliver before they can come.” He tells me.

I didn’t even want to know who Elle was, and why Sue Ellen would be delivering it. It’s just, well I got my gossipy nature from my family. “You're ex baby mama is going to deliver your new baby mama's kid?” I ask him.

“Emmett, Sue Ellen would have my balls iffin I even looked at anyone. Elle’s my huntin’ dawg.” He tells me.

“Dad didn’t understand when I tried to tell him to leave the dogs home.” Howie tells me.

“So where do I bunk down? I brought a tent fer if you don’t have room.” Jasper tells me, patting his tent.

“If you promise to not leave dead things lying around, you can stay in the house.” I tell him.

“I swear there is somethin’ wrong with you two. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with fresh meat. Howie is all twigs and berries, can’t seem to enjoy the food everyone else eats.” He tells me, frowning at Howie.

“Dad, can we can the ‘Howie’, I’m really okay with Howard.” Howie tells him.

“Son, as much as I accept you for you know, not everyone else understands. I’m just helpin’ them by using that pansy name.” He tell him.

“You see why he thinks I need you?” Howard asks me.

Renny goes outside and meets Drew, who just pulled in. Jasper was wide eyed when Renny and Drew started making out. Howard just looked like he found a home.

“See I told ya, it’s somethin’ about Emmett that makes more well um, you know.” He whispered, when Drew looked at him, waiting for how Jasper was going to end that sentence.

“I really did make Drew, you know.” I whispered to Jasper, as Alex came to the door.

Poor Howard didn’t know where to look when Brian and Justin pulled in, then Grant and Dan showed up. I looked at Alex, trying to figure out why everyone was here.

“I promised them if anyone showed I’d give them a call. I don’t think they believed you.” He tells me as Ted and Blake arrive.

“Uncle Emmett, you're my idol” Howard tells me, watching it rain gay men.

“He’s kinda pretty. See, I can deal with it.” Jasper tells us, looking at Justin.

“Dad, shut up.” Howard hisses, staring at Brian.

“Honey, you don’t stand a chance, no one ever will.” I tell him.

BRIAN

I hosted Emmett’s pre-wedding party at Babylon. The RV arrived with all ten puppies and eight of the relatives. We were told the others wanted to stay and see if the King was really still alive. Jasper, Howie Sr, and Luke, the brothers, were happy to have an open bar. Sue Ellen, Maggie, Lisa Marie, Priscilla, and Daisy, the wife and sisters, were busy trying to help Howard meet a man. None of them saw any reason a seventeen year old couldn’t date older men. I kind of agreed, not sure why.

I had to ask, because really, you know you wanted to know. “Why is Howard named after your brother?” I ask Jasper.

“I just thought Jasper Jr didn’t have a ring to it.” Was the answer.

We all turned as Lisa Marie demonstrated that she didn’t inherit anything from the King, or Taylor Swift, when she seemed to caterwaul something about her being the one for Justin, not me. Dan was using Grant to block Daisy’s hands when she seemed to think that it was her job to make sure he worked out. Priscilla didn’t get why the dancers weren’t looking at her tits. Jasper, alternative father that he is, decided to help her understand by yelling it across Babylon.

“They don’t do TITS, because they’re, you know, like Howie and Emmett.” He yelled, looking proud of his understanding of, you know.

Justin came running to me and put me in front of him. “You're running from a girl?” I tease.

I jumped when someone, not Justin, ran their hands under my shirt. “I love me some muscles.” I hear from Priscilla. I turned and she reached down smiling at what she was feeling.

“If you do, Drew has better.” I tell her.

When she runs off I smirk at Justin, who smirks back when someone taps my shoulder. I turn to see Dan’s problem somehow just became mine. “I’m sorry, but lesbian’s don’t do it for me.” I tell her.

“I’m not into pussy.” She tells me.

“Me neither.” I tell her.