- Text Size +

 

 

THE WIFE or THE MISTRESS: CHAPTER 2

TED

Blake has been gone since earlier this evening, and all I can think about are his last words to me. “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.” Somehow, I don’t think I’ll have a ringing phone anytime soon. I’m really worried about him. Emmett called to say that Drew is with him, but still… it’s not me. I still don’t know where they are or what they are doing. I know that I seemed to be defending Michael to Blake, but I was really just trying to keep the peace. Blake knows that Michael will continue to argue until you walk away from the fight. I just didn’t want that kind of thing to happen in a place where we are all supposed to be getting help. I’ve learned through the years that if you give Michael the last word, he’ll shut up while you save your sanity. Why can’t the rest of them understand that trying to correct Michael in any form only leads to banging your head against a brick wall. You end up with a headache having to endure his whine-fest, and high blood pressure from trying to refrain from punching him when fucked up shit flies out of his mouth. I didn’t want to have to bail Blake out of jail.

 

Why can’t Blake be more like Justin, who generally ignores Michael instead of responding to every little thing?  But then again, from what I’ve seen today, Justin may just be at the end of his rope too. Justin used to argue with Michael about everything or at least put Michael in his place and then just walk away, leaving Michael talking to himself. Could it be that Justin is throwing in the proverbial towel and Blake has decided to pick it up? I don’t know how to feel about that scenario since it puts me in the middle. I wonder if Brian has ever felt that way. Whereas I’m sure that Justin has never intentionally put him there, I can’t say the same about Michael. And I’m not sure that given the answer to that question that I will be able to choose what side to pick. It’s not that I don’t love Blake with all my heart; I do, it’s just that taking his side could kill many years of friendship in the process. Am I really ready to make that kind of decision?


I’ve had a lot of regrets in my life, and I seem to be racking up more of them by the minute with Blake. It’s not that I don’t love him; hell I wouldn’t have survived rehab without him. It’s just that I can’t seem to do or say the right things lately. Since we’ve gotten back together a few years ago, things would go great for a time. We would always be together outside of work, involved in each others lives- him hearing about Kinnetik, me hearing about his patients. We made it a point to be there for each other physically, emotionally, and mentally. Then we would hit some sort of communication wall where he would say or do something I would take the wrong way or vice versa.


At those times, I would find hanging out with my friends more of a comfort than coming home to the man I’m destined to love. Blake would throw himself into work, taking on extra cases to keep from being here. I remember accusing him of cheating on me before I found out that he was doing that. Michael had seen Blake out at a restaurant with another man when Blake had told me he was at work. It turns out that he was. The man Michael had seen Blake out with was another counselor, who, because of finding out his wife was pregnant as the result of a rape that happened months before, thought of picking up Crystal again to dull the pain. I felt like such an ass for listening to Michael rather than trusting in what Blake and I shared. But it’s difficult when your partner is so much younger and there are much better men out there who have no problem hitting on him in your presence. Although Brian and Justin have the age difference between them too, it’s not the same. I often questioned myself, thinking that maybe I was holding Blake back from finding a man as attractive as he is. I mean, I’m not all that debonair, I don’t pride myself on my looks the way Brian does. Although I know I dress better than I ever have, there’s nothing I can do about the way I look.


Michael used to tell me that I was a great guy but I was boring.  So now I wonder if I’m too boring for Blake to want to be with. Brian would just make fun of me for my low opinions of myself and then tell me to get the bullshit out my life and get back to being ‘good old reliable Ted.’ Ironically, I appreciated Brian’s view of me, because he still trusts me and turns to me as the CFO of the major corporation he started when I was fresh out of rehab. If being reliable is a trait that keeps me relevant in Brian’s world and thereby my own, then I can live with that. But in being reliable, I feel like I have somehow let Blake down in leaving the spontaneity out of our lives together. I wish I could offer excitement like men half my age, but it’s enough for me to just keep order in my life. Looking for excitement led me to becoming a Crystal Queen. But then… I liked the person who I was then. I didn’t have all of these self-doubts and questions about myself. I simply lived by the seat of my pants with no worries of what tomorrow would bring; I just didn’t give a fuck. It makes me angry that I can’t find a balance between the carefree man I want to be and the careless man I used to be.

 

Sadly, because I can’t voice these thoughts to Blake without him feeling as if he has to reassure me as he has countless times in the past, I sit with them and live with them, breathing them in. I feel like they are suffocating me, and it makes the urge to use that much more strong. It’s what made going on Michael’s partner-free week a necessary evil for me. I had seen Darius aka Dr. Crystal with a new bunch of guys and he winked at me. It was my rehab entry anniversary, a day that I will never forget as long as I live. You don’t wake up from that kind of high, only to find yourself on tv being gangbanged; you don’t forget the day you officially hit rock bottom. So yes, I knew what that wink meant, had always known since my first time trying the enticing white substance. It meant freedom from my inhibitions and bondage to them just the same. That wink also told me that he remembered the incident that drove me to rehab in the first place. Once an addict - always an addict, is not a myth, but the reality of a person who fights addiction every moment of everyday. So I throw myself into work- my new addiction- so that I don’t have time for the old one. I just hope that Blake doesn’t leave me because… well that would be the catalyst. I just wouldn’t give a fuck anymore.      

 

 

You must login (register) to review.