FIRE AND ICE- CHAPTER 3

EM

The last thing I expected to see walking into Woody’s was the drama unfolding right before my eyes. Three men in a standoff could have been hot as hell in an alternate universe. I mean the testosterone levels alone could drive this nelly queen’s libido wild, let alone the pheromones each one has to be giving off, begging to be sniffed and savored… well, again, in another life, this could be a perfect thing. However, this is not that otherworld. Instead, it’s our very real life, featuring an extremely irate brunet and two other angry men.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?! No one touches what’s mine!”

“Is that all I am, Brian? An extension of you?! A fucking possession?! Well FUCK YOU! I belong to myself. I only let you claim me from time-to-time, but that shit ends right fucking now!”

“Brian, you have this all wrong! Maybe if you paid more attention to Justin, you two wouldn’t be in the situation you are in now. Perhaps then this little episode of unwarranted, unfounded jealousy could have been avoided. But NO! You and your best fucking friend seem to think that both of your partners are toys to be pulled out whenever you are bored and remember we exist!”

I am dumbfounded. Who knew that Ben even felt that way? He’s usually the quietest of us; the cool voice of reason whenever the rest of us get out of sorts. I wonder if Michael knows. Listening to Ben go on, I think he knows, but has chosen to ignore the truth staring at him in the face… sort of like the rest of us.

“Is that how you really feel Justin? Like I treat you like you’re a part of me without your own identity?”

Before the stormy-eyed blond can answer, I intervene. “Gentlemen, this isn’t the time or place for this discussion. You don’t want to continue to give the Tell-a-Queen Network any more to gossip about, do you?” They each look around to gauge the truth of my words. You could hear a rat piss on cotton through the entire building, it’s so quiet. “Before long, Deb will be in here, thinking of how to save us, while only causing more confusion. Is that what you really want?”

I watch as each of them drop their eyes, knowing that I’m telling the absolute truth. We all love Debbie, but she’s even nosier than I am. And like it or not, if Michael’s happiness is threatened in any way, she will bully everyone into conforming to what she thinks should happen. Ever since Mel’s phone call and the conversation I had with Duke earlier, small things that I’ve overlooked over the years are becoming so much more clear. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad at this point. It just is.

“I think I can safely say that it isn’t what I want,” Justin says. “But it’s also time for me to go anyway. Ben, thanks for the talk and the dance. I hope the trip clears up some things for you.”

He nods. “And you’ll think about what I’ve said?”

Justin drops his eyes again and I can see Brian’s narrow marginally. “Yeah. I’ll think about it. But I can’t promise anything. By the way, the offer still stands.” Justin downs the rest of his drink, deliberately ignoring Brian as he looks on. Something about that statement seems significant to only the two of them. Justin’s faraway look clears before he hastily utters,  “Goodnight.”

“Justin… you don’t…” Brian tries but can’t seem to get the words out.

“Yeah. I do.” The sadness in his voice is absolutely palpable and I feel myself near tears. I don’t think that I’ve ever heard Baby sound so despondent in all the years I’ve known him. He leaves as the rest of us look on, his hands in his pockets and head bent.

Brian turns his furious, yet sad, eyes to Ben. “Alright, now what the fuck was that about an ‘offer?’ Just what the fuck are you playing at Ben?!”

“I’m not playing at anything Brian. Again, maybe you should look at everything and for fucking once, ask the right questions! I know this is an impossible concept for you to understand, and maybe it’s because of your years as Michael’s hero that causes it.  But there is nothing between Justin and I besides friendship. That offer you’re so keen on was for me to commandeer the couch in his hotel room or the one in your little hideaway so that I can have a break from hearing about you every nine seconds. Do yourself a favor and take your head out of your ass before it’s too late. And while you’re at it, pick my husband’s head out of your ass too. There is only so much fucking more I can take!”

Ben storms off, leaving both Brian and I in shock. Could it be that Ben and Michael are really about to end? Maybe that was what his and Michael’s argument was about that led to partner-free week. We still have no idea what did. Every time Michael brought it up, Brian would either change the subject or ignore him, which caused Michael to clam up. When Ted and I tried to get it out of him, he said that he would wait until we were altogether so that he wouldn’t have to repeat himself. In retrospect, I know that Brian was the key to all of this. Ted and I were as well, but in the last few months, we all weren’t giving Michael the time and attention he’s always felt he was entitled to. I now know that we were all fools and it’s costing us in ways that the only person who would feel happy at the end of it would be Mr. Michael Novotny-Bruckner. But with Ben leaving just now, I’m not so sure that Michael will escape as unscathed as he thinks.

“Come on Brian, let’s grab a table,” I tell him, moving to the recently vacated one left by Ben and Justin.

Settling into the booth, Brian frowned at the glass Justin had emptied. He sniffs it, the scowl on his face deepening to a degree I have rarely seen on his beautiful face. “Another fucking Maker’s. You know, he’s been drinking that more and more lately.”

Right after we each signal the bartender for our own drinks, I tell Brian, “Well if you know that, then perhaps there is something you can do about it.” Brian looks at me with questions in his eyes. Questions that I have no answers to, considering my own mess with Drew. “I don’t know, Bri. All I’ve managed to gather is that we’ve all fucked up royally. Drew is off with Blake in Florida.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Apparently, although I don’t have the full story, Blake’s grandfather asked to see him.”

“I thought he didn’t have any family.”

“Oh, he has family alright. It’s much like yours and mine.”

Brian nods. We both have less than stellar backgrounds when it comes to shared DNA. It’s one of those things that has always set us apart from Ted and Michael. Although, Ted’s mom was unsure of the whole gay thing, especially after the whole Ted - Coma Chronicles, she’s come around and accepts that even though Ted made choices she wouldn’t make for herself, they were still his to make. As for Michael, he’s always had Deb in his corner. Brian and I endured much, whether we were out to our kinfolk or in the closet for a time. It wasn’t the happiest times of our lives.

Our drinks arrive and after taking a healthy sip, he asks, “So why isn’t Ted with him?”

“I suppose that has a lot to do with what happened after you left the conference room this afternoon. Blake had a mini-meltdown much like Sunshine’s. Must be something in the water, except that Drew and Ben had the same reactions.”

“Fuck! This thing with Justin just seems to get worse and worse; more out of my control.”

“Perhaps that is the problem?” When Brian looks at me with contempt, I hold up my hands. “I’m not criticizing you, so hear me out. We’re all being assholes. Instead of fixing what’s wrong, we’re running from it and allowing it to break us.”

“What fucking riddles are you talking in now, Honeycutt?”

“I’m speaking plainly, Kinney. And don’t call me Honeycutt!” We both snicker at the familiar banter between us. It is comforting and gives me courage to say what I need to say to him. “Brian, Justin has a point. Lately you are acting like he’s just an extension of the great god Kinney and that he should be grateful for your presence. Now that’s not to say that he shouldn’t be, but that you should be too. Let me ask you something… How did it feel all those years ago when Justin walked away?”

I could see the feelings that he’d worked so hard to hide then, come to the surface right before his mask slips back into place. “What the hell has that to do with anything?”

“Plenty. I happen to know why the fiddler happened in the first place. Oh, you only managed to hear Michael’s version of events and by the time I was about to pull your coattail, it was too late to stop the freight train that was the Ragian breakup.”

“Why are we rehashing this now?” He sighs deeply. I could tell that I’ve already struck one nerve. Well, I’m about to knock another nerve out of the proverbial park.

“Do you ever wonder why Michael brought the half-truth to you? What exactly did he have to gain? You know a lie by omission is just as bad as one told, don’t you? Justin may have lied back then, but you weren’t given the full truth by your best friend either.  After I heard the rumor about him breaking the rules with Ethan, I asked him about it. Do you know what he told me?”

“No. We very rarely ever talk about it.”

“And whose choice is that?”

“Are you psychoanalyzing me?”

“No. Just pointing out things that will maybe give you a fighting chance with a very stubborn and tired blond, who I know you love. So answer the question.”

Another frustrated sound escapes him as he looks to the ceiling as if asking for divine intervention. Nope, Jesus is not about to absolve him this time and neither will I. “Fine, Em. To be honest, I always cut the conversation off. It’s not that I don’t want to know…”

“It’s that you’re afraid of the answer. Oh honey, don’t you see? You- in fact add Ted and I to that list- are about to find the proverbial fiddler in our beds. Justin didn’t fuck with Ethan out of lust, but loneliness. I know that because he told me so. He may have lied to you because he either didn’t want you to feel any more misplaced guilt than you were already battling because of the bashing. Or, he was terrified that you would just tell him to ‘suck it up Buttercup’ and then kick him out of your life. You’d done it before, you know.”

“That’s a load of horseshit!”

“Not at all. And what reason would I have to lie to you? I’m not Michael, who loves to blow smoke up your cute little ass and thinks you can do no wrong. Nope! That’s not me. I’m not him, who would rather you be alone than be happy; I’m not that selfish. And I’m not Justin, willing to let you live in the delusion that in order for you to be happy, everything must be done your way.”

“I don’t think that.”

“Yes, you do. But believe it or not, it’s why most of us admire you. Not worship you, the way Michael does, but we laud you for your tenacity and staying true to your own vision.”

“But you basically just told me that Justin thinks he has no say.”

“He doesn’t.”

“And you admire the controlling asshole you just described?”

“Yes I do.”

“Why?”

“Brian, Justin may allow you to take the lead in many things. But I also know that he works behind the scenes to make sure it comes off the way you expect it to. If you think about the many times your ass has been saved without you knowing why or how, I’m sure you will find the equally-tenacious, never-say-die, Team Brian all the way blond, at the bottom of it all. That said, I think we all- you, me, and Teddy- need to find a way to save ourselves, starting with rescuing the men we love from the outskirts of our lives. I never want to be accused of making Drew feel invisible. During Ted’s addiction, I learned that the land of obscurity is not a place I ever want to be again. So how dare I relegate Drew to that desolate mindset?”

“So… you think Alex’s idea about the island will work? For all of us, I mean.”

“I don’t know, Brian. But if this is our only chance to show and prove to our men that we love them and that they are worth fighting for, then I suggest we take it. We may not get another.”

He takes in what I’m saying. Unlike most, I’ve noticed that Brian listens with his whole being even while affecting an uninterested pose. It’s that kind of poise that I have always been jealous of him for. As he raised his glass and swishes around the amber liquid, he raises a toast. “To Sunshine, Squirt, and Giant. May they not be as disenchanted as the Professor has become.”

“And may our rescue mission be a successful one.” As we clink glasses, I think From our lips to God’s ears.