IN or OUT: CHAPTER 5

BEN

I look at my cellphone yet again, rolling my eyes as the name Michael flashes across the screen. Even if I wanted to answer him, which I don’t, I can’t leave here just yet since I’m proctoring this final. I’m working on my laptop, while I sit here, giving my latest manuscript the once over before I hit submit. My editor seems to think that this is another best seller, even though I haven’t written the complete ending yet. It’s only the second draft.

The irony of this is that this book called “Seconds” is something I was working on before I began working on “The Gift Giver”. That book, although fiction, was based in fact. So is this one, but who the hell knew that I would end up living the life of my characters for real? One would think that I would burn this book and never pick it up again since it’s about a man who always seems to be the runner-up in his relationships. I started it just after I was diagnosed, weeks after I had found out about Peter and James. I thought it was a good way to channel all of the negative emotions I was feeling at being second best and ending up positive because of it. Lo and behold, a man who doesn’t learn from his past is doomed to repeat it, which is exactly what I’m feeling I have done right now. Only this time, the replacement has married his abuser. Yes, I’m talking about me and Michael while still trying to figure out how I didn’t see it.

The funny thing is that all the signs were there right from the start. Wanna go out? Let me call Brian. Wanna watch tv? Let me call Brian. Do you have to use the shower before I get in? No, I have to call Brian. What do you want for dinner? Let me call Brian and see if he wants to go out. What are you wearing? I’m out with Brian, silly, I’ll call you back. Can’t we talk about something other than Brian? Sure but Brian… Brian, Brian, Briaaaaaannnnnn!! It’s all I’ve heard for years. And I don’t know what’s worse. Knowing that the man I married is still hung up on his best friend all these years later, or not leaving when it was evident that I was second place right from the start?

Don’t get me wrong… for the most part I have nothing against Brian Kinney. He’s an in-your-face, tell-it-like-it-is, arrogant son of a bitch, but he’s honest in ways that many of us aren’t. He doesn’t allow himself to make excuses or apologize profusely for being who he is. You either love him or hate him, but one thing you are never allowed to feel about him is ambiguous. So let me go on record by saying, I love Brian Kinney and I admire him greatly for the man he is. But because of my warped view of who he is through Michael’s continued hero-worship, I don’t know how I feel about him right now.

In one breath, I blame him. He should have stomped on Michael’s feelings for him long ago instead of handling him with kid gloves. But then I look at the facts and see that he’s never encouraged Michael, only held him close, in a sense protecting Michael. I don’t know much about the David situation, except that Brian didn’t agree that Michael should be a living Ken doll for the doctor to play with. He felt that Michael was being used as a trophy, someone to look pretty but not speak. Between us, considering the things that come out of Michael’s mouth when he does, I can attest to thinking he should have a muzzle most times. But I laugh and brush it off or try to clean his words up as if it was simply spilled milk. I see now that Brian was doing what I am also guilty of on many occasions, which is excusing Michael and covering for him. I guess one could say that Brian was doing my job and yet not…

I don’t know all of the specifics beyond what Michael has told me, which is that Brian has always taken care of him. I know that he would go against the bullies on Michael’s behalf, saying that he was much more used to the pain than Michael was. I also know that Brian saw it as payback for having a safe haven when his own homelife went to shit. So in theory, I can understand why Brian does the things he does for Michael. What I don’t understand is Michael’s motive for still having Brian do them. And Debbie doesn’t help it any with her constant talk of how Brian owes her and Michael. To me and I’m sure to Justin, Blake, and Drew, it’s a debt that’s been paid in blood many times over.  

My thoughts are interrupted by the last person I thought to see today. “Professor, a word?”

Speak- or in my case think- of the devil and he will appear apparently. “Sure Brian. Can you give me a few minutes? I just have to close out the test on the computer.”

He nods and goes to wait across the hall. I find it funny that he looks more like a college professor than I do at this moment, with his suit pressed and his ever-present freshly finger-fucked hair. It’s amazing that he has that look regardless of what time of day it is. He always looks like he’s either gotten laid, is getting ready to go get laid, or has been reliving the laying. I chuckle at my wayward thoughts, remembering just how Brian Kinney and I met for the very first time. Boy did Michael have a shit fit about the fact that Brian fucked me, more than once in the same night. It kind of puts a different spin on what I’ve been feeling about being in second place within my marriage… well at least it does for right now.

As I alight from the room, I laugh heartily as I hear Brian tell a persistent student. “My husband would be glad to fuck me in front of you and then kill you for the enjoyment of watching. Run along to your next class and grow up. I’ve seen five-year olds with better pick-up lines.” He notices me watching and smirks. I swear the son of a bitch could charm the underwear off of angels. Hell, he’s got Justin, so it must be true.

“Delivering your own brand of higher education I see, Brian.”

“No use contributing to the delinquency of a minor… well, again.” He snickers briefly but then grows serious. “Are you free for lunch?”

“Yeah, just let me put my laptop down and we can go.”

“That’s shocking. I thought with you being the organic writer and all, you would be sporting a pencil and notebook.”

“That’s true and I still prefer to use them when the laptop isn’t available. But lately, I find that staring into the screen watching my words litter the white background is just as satisfying.”

“Then you might as well bring it with you. You never know when the mood will strike to write, or so I’ve heard.”

“That’s true. I think I remember telling you what creation does.” We both laugh at that.

“Yeah well as long as you keep your hard on to yourself, we won’t have any problems.”

We head over to the cafe just down the street from campus. I’m surprised when we passed Brian’s car parked in one of the spaces. “This isn’t as impromptu as I thought since your car is here.”

“Yeah. I thought I would take a chance to speak with you. Let’s grab a table and I’ll explain.” We opt for the corner of the cafe in the back, visible enough to be seen but private enough not to be heard. He orders a coffee and tells me that he expects me to eat enough for both of us. As soon as the waitress leaves, he begins. “First, I owe you an apology for last night. Yes you heard right, so mark this down in your calendar because it will probably never happen again.”

I chuckle but understand why he’s doing this. “Brian, there’s no need for the apology, although I appreciate it greatly. We are all running on high-emotions lately.”

“True, but that’s no excuse for what I thought when I saw you and Justin dancing together. Justin’s danced with plenty of men before but…”

“I get it. Justin brings all of those possessive instincts you keep so well hidden to the fore. But Brian, you have to know that Justin and I have never looked at each other like that. Until recently, we’ve barely had the chance to have a really proper conversation that didn’t include family dinners.”

“I know. It’s just that lately Justin and I aren’t on the same page. We seem to be growing more distant every single minute. What’s telling is that I’m sitting here sounding like a lesbian in front of you and all you’re doing is nodding in understanding and trying to reassure me. What does that say about me?”

“That you’re human. And that I can finally see and understand that you are. Brian, there is so many layers to what we all are going through personally and collectively. Justin and I had a long talk about it last night, both before you arrived at Woody’s and after I got to the hotel. At some point last night, he left me a note and said that he was going to take a drive then go out to the house. It wasn’t what he said but you could still feel the despondency of when it was written. I think there is something that neither of you have been able to put your fingers on that is causing this… rift between you. Find it and you’ll find your way back.”

“You sound so sure, but what about you and Michael? Shouldn’t that be advice that you’re following too?”

I had to think about that for a moment. Is there any hope for Michael and I to regain what we’ve lost? Did we really ever have anything in the first place? “I honestly don’t know, Brian. It’s not that I don’t love Michael, I do. But there’s only so much I can take. You’ve unknowingly been the third person in my marriage, and I’m beginning to realize that you’ve been there from the beginning. I’m not talking about being Michael’s friend, but his feelings towards you beyond that. I’m not sure what his motives are at this point or my value to him beyond sex and my checkbook.”

Strangely, he doesn’t shake his head, but nods. “Between you and I, we’ve been taking care of Michael in all the ways that make his life complete. It took Emmett talking to me last night for me to see that.”

“It’s part of the reason you all had a partner-free week. By the way, why didn’t any of you answer your phones?”

“What are you talking about? None of our phones rung. I know for a fact when I tried to call Justin, he didn’t answer. I even texted him a couple of times and still no response.”

“Well I don’t know why the text messages weren’t received, but I do know that when your partners tried to call, numerous times, their calls went straight to voicemail.” I can tell that my words are having the desired effect on him. “Did Michael happen to tell you what we argued about?”

He shook his head. “No, I was preoccupied with my own issues and didn’t want to hear his. I know that Ted and Em tried to get it out of him but he seemed to be waiting for something.”

“Probably waiting for you to pay attention,” I mumble. When Brian asks me what I said, I repeated it.

“Why would that make a difference?”

“Probably because you always tell him what to do.” At his affronted look, I clarify. “Brian, I happen to know that you told Michael that if he wanted me, to get me. I know that you told him to suck me, like me, but don’t love me. Now, I know why you told him that. It was so he wouldn’t get hurt if he and I didn’t last. It took Debbie being opposed to the idea that he and I were seeing each other for Michael to decide. But even that was suspect, because I later found out that Michael wasn’t too thrilled about Debbie dating Carl. In fact, I don’t think it was Carl himself but the idea of him that pissed Michael off. We all know how territorial Michael is with those he deems as his. You’re a prime example of that.”

“So basically you’re saying that if I tell Michael to clean up his shit and fix what’s wrong between the two of you, he’d do it? That’s bullshit.”

“Not as much bullshit as you think, Brian. I’ve had a lot of time to think over the last couple of days.”

“And what have you come up with?”

“First of all, if Michael isn’t on the plane with me tomorrow then that’s that. However, if he is, then we’ll see what happens on the island. Michael and I have never gone away together, just the two of us. So as Barry has said, this will either rekindle the long-dead flame between Michael and I, even if he doesn’t admit it’s extinguished, or we’ll be going our separate ways when we get back to Pittsburgh. The choice is entirely up to him. Right now, I think the latter is more likely to happen.”

“Professor, why the defeatist attitude? It’s not very Zen of you.”

I sigh. “That’s the thing Brian. I’ve been Zen Ben too long, and I think Michael was happier that way. I guess I was too, for a time, since it kept us from any major disagreements. My T-cell count remained where it was supposed to be without the added stress of having a tumultuous married life. But now I’m not happy and haven’t been for a long time. Years, Brian...it’s been years that I’ve felt trapped in my life, married but yet not. By some miracle, my count is still right where it should be, but if I stay, if this can’t be fixed, who knows what will happen. Lately, I’ve been feeling like a tool and I don’t like the feeling. The thing is, with you guys I never feel that way; only with Michael. Now what does that tell you?”  

He thought a moment before answering. “That I hope the island has magical powers because Michael left on his own means that the rest of us, including you, will have no peace. You have to know that he won’t let you go lightly.”

“I know Brian. But there is more to our marriage than one might think. It took me a while to remember that I hold all the cards.”

“What do you mean?”

“Everything is in my name. His store, the house, the bank accounts- all of it. But I don’t want Michael to remember that. I want him to keep his illusion of power, since it will also tell me what I’m finally willing to hear; what I’m finally ready to look for.”

“What’s that?”

“The truth about the real Michael Charles Novotny-Bruckner and if I’m willing to still have and hold him.”

During the rest of our lunch, Brian and I talked about inconsequential things. I told him that I would see him at the airport in the morning before boarding. And I urged him to talk to Justin so that the younger man would not become me, always wondering where he stood in the grand scheme of things. It’s not a pleasant place to be and I seriously wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. We said our goodbyes and instead of going back to the campus, I opted to sit in the little cafe on the corner. Brian was right… the urge to write was upon me once again. I looked down at my cellphone, knowing it would only be a matter of time before it rang again. Instead, I shut it down completely then happily slipped into my fictional world, even though it was closer to my own reality. It was finally time to write the ending.