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BEFORE I LET GO: CHAPTER ONE

BARRY


We’re all here at the airport… well all, except one. Is it wrong that I really hope he doesn’t make it? I mean, I’m able to talk- really talk- to Ben. He needs help, he acknowledges it, and we can work with that. Not so with Captain Pain-in-the-Ass. Okay, so in all fairness, I will go on record by saying I don’t see the point in dragging this millstone around Ben’s neck out. Michael is clearly showing that he no longer wants to be married and from the outside looking in, I can tell you that he’s no great loss. But putting myself in Ben’s shoes, it’s difficult not to see that the man, once so in love with his husband, has become so disillusioned by the emotion. Love between two people is supposed to have you running the gamut from euphoric highs to occasional lows, bouncing on every level in between, yet still somehow feeling secure in the knowledge that you’re not going through it all alone.

 

But what happens when one experiences the prolonged low without security? Ben does. What happens when the person you put your trust in; the one who is supposed to guard your heart is, in fact, the one stabbing it repeatedly and without mercy? Ben does. My problem is how to make Michael Novotny see what he’s doing to the man he promised to love and cherish above all else. Not an easy task and certainly not an enviable one, at best. It’s my job to try to save the marriage of these two, but in all honesty, the way it’s looking right now, I have to ask, why they even want to save it? Why not just move on and if it’s meant to be, they will find their way back to each other? At least then they would be able to say their marriage was real because as it stands now…


“Penny for your thoughts?” Alex asks me.


“You don’t want to know.”


“I asked, didn’t I?”


I sigh. “Fine but don’t say I didn’t try to warn you. I’m simply wondering why Ben doesn’t tell Michael that it’s over, set himself free and see if Michael comes back his way again. At least he’ll know that he’s important to Michael then. What do you think?”


“Professionally or personally?”


“Would it be wrong if I said, both?”


He smiles at me and I’m reminded of why I love this man so much. Alex has quite possibly the most open-hearted face I’ve ever seen. There is no guessing with him, unless he’s in his ‘Dr. Wilder’ mode. He lets me in without worry that I will betray his innermost thoughts or feelings or make light of his vulnerabilities.


“Well professionally speaking, I would say that there are some deep-seated issues Ben has kept buried that have only started to resurface upon meeting Michael Novotny, and they have nothing to do with his HIV status although it’s a part of it.”


“I thought so too. Do you think he’s shared them with Michael?”


“That I can’t answer, but if I had to venture a guess, I would say no. But Michael Novotny has a knack for tapping into people’s insecurities and playing on them. Look at all he’s done to Brian and Justin over the years, for example. Brian used to think his only worth was in being the best in the Advertising world and as the Stud of Liberty Avenue. Michael took it to mean that Brian was still sowing his wild oats and that the only man he would ever settle down with was him.”


“But that’s obviously not the case…”


“No. When Justin came along, Michael immediately latched tighter onto Brian, mentioning Brian’s insecurities in the forms of Brian’s eighteen-year old mantras to Justin. It was also a way to remind Brian of the things he’d said he would never do. Brian doesn’t do love. Brian doesn’t do relationships. Brian has a one-fuck only policy; you’re yesterday’s trick. What Michael never counted on was that Justin would never buy into the bullshit or find out the reason for those mantras existing in the first place. So imagine Michael scrambling to find a new avenue to drive a wedge between the Stud persona, which gave Michael an opportunity to stay close to Brian and live through him at the same time, and the only man Brian was breaking his rules for.”


‘Ahaha! Ethan!”


“Yes, the fiddler. Every time Brian and Justin get closer, Michael brings him up. Sadly, Brian relied heavily on drugs, drinking, and Michael during that time…”


“...allowing Michael to know all of the little shattered memories Brian held dear; the questions he was asking himself. I see now what you mean about how he plays on the fears of his friends. I can only imagine what he’s been doing to Ben, who he has 24-hour access to. I wonder if they know.”


“The partners, Ben notwithstanding, know. It’s why they are so angry with Brian, Ted, and Emmett. It’s like they have been saying this for the longest time, but are not being listened to. Now they are all at the point where they want to walk away. It’s not about letting Michael win, but saving their own sanity.”


“So what can we do at this point?”


“Well, I think the letters will help. If they can finally get it out of their heads from the heart, it takes away anyone’s power to use those fears against them in the future. This way, they are voicing them to the right people and not the wrong one.


“Where the fuck is Novotny?” Bernard comes to us grumbling. “I swear that little pissant…”


“We know. Calm down. You’re just upset since you had another appointment with the Morrisons. Were you able to hand them off to another therapist while you’re away?”


He smiles for the first time since his arrival. “Yes, although I do feel sorry for Dr. James. With any luck, I won’t have to resume their case when we get back. So where is he?”


I sigh. “According to Ben, he doesn’t know if Michael is going to show up. He doesn’t seem too concerned though.”


“I can’t say that I blame him. Everyone has their breaking point and if I can give my opinion here, it’s high time that Ben reached his.”


“I’m not so sure since… well, he and Brian have been sitting with their heads together for over an hour. I wonder what that’s about.” I know that I don’t have a real reason to worry. It’s just that they all don’t need to be distracted just now. I would rather Brian be concentrating on Justin, who has his head and attention buried in his laptop at the moment.


Bernard notices what I’m seeing and chuckles a bit. “Don’t worry about it too much Barry. They are probably just making up from the near-fight they almost had in the bar a few nights ago. Apparently tempers were running high after Brian walked in and found Justin and Ben innocently slow dancing together. Emmett put a stop to it.”


“Shit, what the hell?! Where was Michael in all this?”


“Probably off licking his wounds from being told to put a sock in his ‘Woe is Me’ show by Ted and Emmett. From what I’ve been able to glean, Brian threatened the little mongrel, Ben gave him some sort of ultimatum, and then he went running to Ted and Emmett, who were dealing with their own situations regarding their partners at the time.”


Alex picks up the story from there. “Then Debbie hears through the gay grapevine of the situation the guys made semi-public in Woody’s…” He sighs. “I had my own talk with Debbie yesterday. With Horvath’s help, I think Mr. Novotny-Bruckner will no longer find the maternal ally he’s looking for to bring order to his narrow world. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.”


As he fills us in, I can’t help but admire my man. Alex has always been a brilliant man in our chosen field, but he’s also magnificent when he’s angry. Intelligence and insults pour from him as natural as breathing when he’s in that state. I’m almost sorry I missed it. “Do you think it worked?”


Duke arrives with the waiter, passing out the drinks he’s gotten for us. “So what are we talking about?”


“Alex’s public psychoanalysis of one Debbie Horvath, nee Novotny.”


“Ah, I heard about that, and a better set-her-ass-down I’ve never heard of. Well done, Alex. But do you think it worked?”


He shakes his head. “I’m not sure but Horvath threatened to leave if she continued being solely Michael’s mother, instead of his wife. I find it interesting that Ben and Carl feel like their sole value to their spouses is simply as bedwarmers and placeholders. It kind of puts how the Novotnys view the vows they took into a different perspective, doesn’t it?”


“Almost like the promises were meant for everyone else but not them?” Duke queries.


“There’s that, but that’s not the only telling factor.” I answer. “It’s almost as if they didn’t realize that while they uttered the same words, their partners were actually going to expect that the no-rules-except-their-own Novotnys would abide by them. As a result, both mother and son have been cheating on their husbands since the very beginning. We all know that cheating is not just physical, but mental and emotional as well. Debbie crossed the line when she continued to put Michael’s needs before Carl’s and her own. Michael continuously crosses a line when he puts Brian’s supposed needs ahead of Ben’s.”


“Not Ted and Emmett’s?” Bernard asks.


“No, although the latter two tend to also put Michael’s needs ahead of Drew and Blake’s lately. If Michael is in emotional trouble, they each stop what they are doing and run to his rescue, but does he return the favor? No, he doesn’t. However, if Brian were to call, he drops everything and runs to him, expecting to be Brian’s number one priority, instead of the situation he’s dealing with. The funny thing is that Brian rarely called on Michael beyond the last few months. However…”


“He’s hounded Brian, using the others as scapegoats to drive various wedges between all of them. In the meantime, he’s inventing dramas with Ben. But to what purpose?”


“Other than he’s an attention-whore?” Duke asks. At our nods, he continues. “There’s another ulterior motive and I suspect it’s jealousy.”


“Well we know that. But of what, is the question,” Bernard states.


I shake my head. “All I know is that there is a pattern here and Michael is sitting like a spider in the middle of the web, weaving all of the drama. It has to stop! The real problem is that he doesn’t see that what he is doing as wrong, even if he knows that it is.”


“Are you suggesting Narcissistic Personality Disorder?” Alex’s asks.


“Although I’m sure that’s a small part of it, I doubt that’s the real diagnosis. It’s more like Novotny Pussyboy Desperation Syndrome.” They all laugh, but I’m serious. “Think about it. We’ve all seen this before with various other clients. Life is passing him by and instead of trying to catch up, he’d rather stay where he is comfortable, where there are no expectations of him to better himself. He’d rather drag his friends down to his level of mediocrity than to cheer them on. Each of them, Michael included, have partners willing to let them soar, partners who are able to restore the confidence in themselves when they feel like they can’t achieve their goals. But now those same partners, Michael’s included, are both pulling and pushing back, allowing Michael full reign. I have to wonder why. It can’t just be simple exhaustion. Alex, I know your theory about using the letters as way into their personal thoughts, feelings and the like. But is there another reason that we’re all missing?”


“I’m thinking that having them write it all down will give them a blueprint of what not to do in the future, whether they stay together or part ways in the end. I’m adopting that saying that he that does not learn from his mistakes is doomed to repeat them. That’s especially true in Ben’s case, don’t you think?”


Given what I know about Ben’s history with his ex Paul, and how he contracted the HIV virus, I cannot find fault with Alex’s theory. “You know, it’s a sad day when I can’t argue with your logic, sweetheart. You take away all my fun.”


He smiles that smile at me. “Don’t worry. I’ll make it up to you once we get the guys settled in their villas.” The other guys groan and roll their eyes at our brief PDA, sealing the private agreement between Alex and I.


“Break it up, you two. Bernard and I will be trapped on an island, surrounded by couples for the next god only knows how many weeks. Lighten up on us, will you?” Duke complains.


“Well, if you both would take your heads out of your asses, perhaps you’ll be a couple by the time it’s all over. Just because Ted and Emmett ended the way they did, doesn’t mean you two should use their situation as a cautionary tale about best friends becoming lovers,” Alex tells them.


“With my luck, he’ll end up in my life as another Michael, only worse, because he’ll actually get what he wants.” Bernard says, making Duke scowl and the rest of us laugh.


“That’s so… you’ll pay for that one, friend,” Duke narrows his eyes, but it quickly turns into a smile. “Anyway, did you call ahead to the island to make sure the spies are in place?” He asks me.


“Yeah I did, and they are. We may have another problem though…”


“Oh? What is it?”

 

I lower my voice and tell them. All three of them are narrowing their eyes and gritting their teeth. Unfortunately, the resort is full, so we can’t shift around the potential problems who really shouldn’t be a problem at all for our guests. But their arrival is just one more thing for Novotny to focus on, instead of himself. I swear the man has adult ADHD when it comes to dealing with his own shit! But there isn’t a doubt in my mind, that what should only be a small ripple is about to become a fucking tsunami if Michael Novotny-Bruckner gets ahold of it. I can only hope that he doesn’t.

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

 

 

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