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IN OR OUT : BOOK TWO: CHAPTER TWO: MY HAPPY ENDING


BEN

I walked away from Brian, believing that at long last, he’s finally understanding Justin’s frustration. At least, I hope so. Never have I met a man so conflicted or complex as Brian, and as far as I can tell a lot of it is through no fault of his own. By no means am I an expert, but it seems that like me, he’s been conditioned to take care of Michael. As I look back on my life with him, I can honestly say, I feel like Pavlov’s dogs must have felt.

 

In a world of uncertainty, Deb’s love was a constant. I'm only just now realizing just how conditional it was. In exchange for that love, that dangled hope, as if it was a fucking bell, I had to put all my hopes, dreams, aspirations, and expectations to the side, in order to keep Michael happy. We all did, but probably no one more than Brian. He’s been subjected to this form of, what really amounts to a form of brainwashing, the longest.

 

I can’t even begin to imagine the things he’s given up; the things he’s had to give up on, for the sustained illusion of Deb’s conditional love. And all because he was once a kid in need of a safe haven from the hell of his household… It’s a hefty price to pay for simple human kindness!


Now, compared to what I know of Brian and Justin’s relationship- the true version told to me in bits and pieces by the other guys, and not Michael's warped view- there weren't any real conditions put on Justin’s devotion from the onset. All the younger man wanted was for Brian to love him, and to let himself be loved in return. Sure, the perception and actuality of that desire may have changed over the years, but the concept of it has never wavered. It puts what I felt for Michael and what I’m going through with him now, in a new perspective. It also brings about some real bone-deep questions about just what the fuck I have been doing the last eight years of my life.


After I snapshot the check, call the bank for confirmation that it was received, and to alert them to the possibility of its destruction before I can get it off the island -yeah Michael’s vindictiveness is just that predictable- I pull out the personal journal and begin to put my thoughts into words, while blasting Avril Lavigne’s My Happy Ending on my Ipod. The song seems to fit my mood more and more lately.


Ben,

What the hell have you been doing?

 

What have you become?

 

You’ve allowed yourself to become a collectible, useless and inanimate, in your own life, not just in his. You’ve become his extension, instead of being your own person as you once were. Is this your way of doing penance because of your trust in Paul, a partner who, like Michael, couldn’t be faithful to you? Is this dickless fag you’ve become, your way of killing yourself before HIV, or the complications of AIDS overtakes you? Is this the easiest and most effective way to prove how much you hate yourself?

 

It must be! Because the Benjamin James Bruckner you used to be before HIV would never have allowed you to become this shell of your former self, disease or not. That Ben, who has had countless struggles, including admitting that you are gay, would never have allowed himself to feel ‘less than’ within his own life. And that Ben, who knew who and what he was, would never have allowed himself to be duped and demeaned by anyone, most especially his husband! 

So Ben, what are you going to do?

 

Will you continue to live your life in the shadows, according to the Novotny edicts? Or will you FINALLY begin to live again by your own? Starting the novel sitting readily available on your computer was a great start, but there is so much more work to do. Saving your marriage should never have been bought and paid for with your self-worth! So it’s time to honor yourself- and the others who matter to you- with the truth of who and what you really are.

 

If dropping the 145 pound growth you have been carrying for the last eight, almost nine years helps you to grow and reinvent yourself into the man you were, the man you are destined to become, then fucking DO IT! And don’t look back or regret any of it! Take the lessons for what they were worth and apply them so that you can live your life better… So that you can LIVE, and not merely exist any longer.


I read back my words, feeling them flow through me and know that they are correct. I have suppressed who I am for far too long. It’s past time that I stop doing that. Not honoring who you are is one of the most egregious forms of self-abuse there is. Ted and Blake learned that lesson the hard way, and if I’m honest, I was there a time or two myself, especially the night I first met Brian Kinney.

 

That was the night Paul and I ended things for good, and I escaped to the White Party. I was just one hit away from ending it all until I laid eyes on a brunet fallen angel, who was just looking for a good time. I thought to myself why not give him one, and myself one last hoorah. And even though it was just about sex to Brian, I came away from it with a chance to reinvent myself. I can admit now that I went about things the wrong way.

 

But what is life, if not a chance to get it right with each new day you see? If this virus has taught me nothing else, it’s that everyday begins a second chance. And for once, I’m going to take my second chance and run with it.


MICHAEL


I’ve decided to rebel against this bogus therapy that Ben and I don’t need. As long as I’m here, he can’t say that I didn’t try, right? As far as I’m concerned he and the others should be begging for my forgiveness by the end of this flight. The fact that they are all in first class and I’m stuck back here is a disgrace. I tried to get up there several times to tell them so, but the bitchy stewardess threatened to have the pilot land at the next available airport to throw me off the flight if I didn’t behave. Behave? As if I’m some fucking wayward child needing to be scolded!


I look over at the journals and scoff, yet again. If they think I’m going to kowtow to some idiot who has no idea what it’s like to be in a relationship, they have another think coming. Not only that, but if they think I’m going to let Boy Wonder, Druggy Boy Fake Wonder, and Tall Doofus Wonder have their way in reforming me so that their lives with Brian, Ted, and Emmett are made easier, well they can just go fuck themselves. The guys and Ben belong to ME, not them! I was here first! They need to either find a way to accept that, or get the fuck out of our lives!

 

As for Ma, I’m going to call her when I get to this crappy island and have some serious words with her. I can’t believe she is putting herself before me. I figure, on the phone that bastard Horvath can’t run interference, and I can say what I want to say to her. She needs to remember what her priorities have always been and should always be. Me before her!

 

And that’s exactly as is should be since she gave birth to me.

 

I don’t know why, all of a sudden, everyone wants to change the rules. I don’t like it and it needs to stop! Once I get Ma’s head back out of the clouds and down-to-earth where it belongs, she’ll make them cut this foolish shit out. Brian, Ted, and Emmett need to be reminded of all we’ve done for them. As for the others, well they can suck a few hundred rotten dicks if they think I’m just going to let them usurp my place in my friends’ lives.

 

I come first, NOT them, and I always will; it’s time they fucking know that once and for all!

 

 

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